• Welcome to the new Internet Infidels Discussion Board, formerly Talk Freethought.

Things that make you laugh...

My wife gets up at 0515. I get up at 0615. So she's usually downstairs by the time I get up.
This morning, I dreamed that my alarm went off. I got up, lights on, stumbling around the room. I noticed that the blankets looked JUST LIKE my wife was still asleep on the bed. Funny.
Noticed the clock said 0400. That didn't seem right, but I was unable to do maths in my head. Couldn't figure out what was wrong until the blankets on the bed started to snore.
Oh, holy shit. Tiptoed rapidly to the light switch, then tried to sneak back into bed.
Wife woke up, checked the time. "What was all that noise?"
"The dog," I mumbled.
"We don't own a dog!"
"Raccoons," I tried.
"Oh. Okay." She went back to sleep.

Hours later, she's telling me about he dream that our neighbor raised ninja raccoons and they were attacking our dogs and she had to shoot them.
 
Keith&Co. said:
My wife gets up at 0515. I get up at 0615. So she's usually downstairs by the time I get up.
This morning, I dreamed that my alarm went off. I got up, lights on, stumbling around the room. I noticed that the blankets looked JUST LIKE my wife was still asleep on the bed. Funny.
Noticed the clock said 0400. That didn't seem right, but I was unable to do maths in my head. Couldn't figure out what was wrong until the blankets on the bed started to snore.
Oh, holy shit. Tiptoed rapidly to the light switch, then tried to sneak back into bed.
Wife woke up, checked the time. "What was all that noise?"
"The dog," I mumbled.
"We don't own a dog!"
"Raccoons," I tried.
"Oh. Okay." She went back to sleep.

Hours later, she's telling me about he dream that our neighbor raised ninja raccoons and they were attacking our dogs and she had to shoot them.
Click to expand...

:rotfl:
 
Keith&Co. said:
My wife gets up at 0515. I get up at 0615. So she's usually downstairs by the time I get up.
This morning, I dreamed that my alarm went off. I got up, lights on, stumbling around the room. I noticed that the blankets looked JUST LIKE my wife was still asleep on the bed. Funny.
Noticed the clock said 0400. That didn't seem right, but I was unable to do maths in my head. Couldn't figure out what was wrong until the blankets on the bed started to snore.
Oh, holy shit. Tiptoed rapidly to the light switch, then tried to sneak back into bed.
Wife woke up, checked the time. "What was all that noise?"
"The dog," I mumbled.
"We don't own a dog!"
"Raccoons," I tried.
"Oh. Okay." She went back to sleep.

Hours later, she's telling me about he dream that our neighbor raised ninja raccoons and they were attacking our dogs and she had to shoot them.
Click to expand...

If you'd only said "T-Rex!"
 
Keith&Co. said:
My wife gets up at 0515. I get up at 0615. So she's usually downstairs by the time I get up.
This morning, I dreamed that my alarm went off. I got up, lights on, stumbling around the room. I noticed that the blankets looked JUST LIKE my wife was still asleep on the bed. Funny.
Noticed the clock said 0400. That didn't seem right, but I was unable to do maths in my head. Couldn't figure out what was wrong until the blankets on the bed started to snore.
Oh, holy shit. Tiptoed rapidly to the light switch, then tried to sneak back into bed.
Wife woke up, checked the time. "What was all that noise?"
"The dog," I mumbled.
"We don't own a dog!"
"Raccoons," I tried.
"Oh. Okay." She went back to sleep.

Hours later, she's telling me about he dream that our neighbor raised ninja raccoons and they were attacking our dogs and she had to shoot them.
Click to expand...
Shoot who, the raccoons or the dogs?
The raccoons!
Oh... yeah, that'd make more sense.
 
Keith&Co. said:
My wife gets up at 0515. I get up at 0615. So she's usually downstairs by the time I get up.
This morning, I dreamed that my alarm went off. I got up, lights on, stumbling around the room. I noticed that the blankets looked JUST LIKE my wife was still asleep on the bed. Funny.
Noticed the clock said 0400. That didn't seem right, but I was unable to do maths in my head. Couldn't figure out what was wrong until the blankets on the bed started to snore.
Oh, holy shit. Tiptoed rapidly to the light switch, then tried to sneak back into bed.
Wife woke up, checked the time. "What was all that noise?"
"The dog," I mumbled.
"We don't own a dog!"
"Raccoons," I tried.
"Oh. Okay." She went back to sleep.

Hours later, she's telling me about he dream that our neighbor raised ninja raccoons and they were attacking our dogs and she had to shoot them.
Click to expand...

Phew! Close one, but you got away with it so it's okay.
 
Facebook keeps notifying me that my face might be included in photos other people post and it's always Michelle Obama. :rotfl:
 
So, we have an Instant Pot. It's a pressure cooker. The vent for the steam used to cook the food blows straight up, which is kinda hard on the cabinet. We always forget to position the Pot until we say, "Oh, darn, the steam is hitting the plates cabinet. As always."
Well, they sell little silicone adapters. They pipe the steam into alternate directions. There's a dragon that makes the steam look like her breath, there's an old guy where the steam comes out of his ears, and there's a cannon.
cannon.jpg
I got the cannon because it's the cheapest. Bought some for the other guys in the office who have IPs.
Everyone takes one look at the cannon and asks if I've used it to shoot something across the kitchen.
Everyone.
People who don't own a steam cooker walk up to the conversation and ask what I've shot across the room with it.

It pains me that people just ASSUME that I've toyed around with missile hazards and literally boiling-hot conditions.
I mean, i only got the things yesterday, and it wasn't my turn to cook last night.
 
Keith&Co. said:
So, we have an Instant Pot. It's a pressure cooker. The vent for the steam used to cook the food blows straight up, which is kinda hard on the cabinet. We always forget to position the Pot until we say, "Oh, darn, the steam is hitting the plates cabinet. As always."
Well, they sell little silicone adapters. They pipe the steam into alternate directions. There's a dragon that makes the steam look like her breath, there's an old guy where the steam comes out of his ears, and there's a cannon.
View attachment 23705
I got the cannon because it's the cheapest. Bought some for the other guys in the office who have IPs.
Everyone takes one look at the cannon and asks if I've used it to shoot something across the kitchen.
Everyone.
People who don't own a steam cooker walk up to the conversation and ask what I've shot across the room with it.

It pains me that people just ASSUME that I've toyed around with missile hazards and literally boiling-hot conditions.
I mean, i only got the things yesterday, and it wasn't my turn to cook last night.
Click to expand...

That, and the fact if you were going to make an ad-hoc missile, there would at least be some style involved. Some planning is involved. Jesus, some people are impatient.
BTW, when you do use that thingamewhatsit as a projectile, you're going to let us know, right? Asking for a friend.
 
Patooka said:
That, and the fact if you were going to make an ad-hoc missile, there would at least be some style involved. Some planning is involved. Jesus, some people are impatient.
BTW, when you do use that thingamewhatsit as a projectile, you're going to let us know, right? Asking for a friend.
Click to expand...
Depends on how it turns out.
If it's cool, I'll share.
If it turns out my wife is right, i might not be able to post until the bandages come off, anyway.

But i did hand out three to other bubbleheads, so i may have _A_ story after Monday....
 
My wife has embroidered a sscreen. Based on the Bayeux Tapestry. Some people in feudal dress before a building of Feudal style, and illuminated letters say, "Behold ! Thou look upon the field in which i grow mine fucks. Thou canst perceived that it is barren."
She's looking for a place to mount it at her school. Probably in the teacher's lounge, but maybe the classroom.

I think it's very appropriate that the closer one gets to retirement, the less fucks one gives.
 
Topless photos anyone?

A_tough_gang_of_Spinning_Tops.jpg


Aww damn it!

 
Tallest son locked himself out of the house. Had his phone, called for someone to open the door.
Keys turned out to be in his pocket. He'd just folded the pocket so that tge keys were halfway around his hip and he could not find them until he tooj off his clothes for bed.

I suspect pharmaceuticals were involved.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom