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Things that make you laugh...

I pour a cup, cup and a half of pistachios into a bowl for a snack.
Passing my wife's chair, i offer her some. She takes about six.
I point to the bowl, my hand 18 inches from the nuts.. "You want that one?"
"Which one?"
"That one. On the left. I picked it out special."
She takes another, thanking me and praising the pistachio for its innate pistachiosity. Clearly, i have an eye for pistachios.
Youngest son does not look up from his phone. '"Everyone at work thinks i have a future in sitcoms because they all think i made you guys up." Makes eye contact. 'Every One of them."
 
Someone posted a meme where my wife hangs out, "Whsst would happen if everyone you ever masturbared to was in the same room?"

Well, a divorce, obviously.

And a LOT of accusatory quoting. "You said there's an upper limit! Some boobs are too big to be attractive! You named examples!"
"Yes," i agree. She points. I sigh. "Look, what happened in puberty only counts against puberty."
 
Don't know if it's true or not... but ... funny.

"There was a famous English fighter pilot during World War 2 who really distinguished himself during the Battle of Britain by shooting down more than enough enemy aircraft to qualify as an ace.
A few years after the war, he was invited to give a talk at a very posh girls' boarding school.
He stood on the stage in the assembly hall in front of all the girls, and said, "so, I was 6,000 feet above the French countryside, when I saw two of the fuckers closing in on me from my left. I looked to my right, and there's three more of the fuckers! And another fucker coming up behind me!"
At this point, the headmistress had gone very pale, and she staggered to her feet and in a shaky voice informed the girls that a Fokker is a kind of German aircraft.
The pilot turned to her, smiling, and said, "You're absolutely correct, Madam. But these fuckers were all flying Messerschmitts!""
 
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Keith&Co. said:
I have a Common Access Card (CAC) at work to access certain government sites. Today, it was not working. My credentials were refused, questioned, ignored, refused again, missing, found, lost...
I took the CAC out of the reader and set it down.
I have an expired pass from a military base i visited two years sgo, and it looks a lot like a CAC. I got that and, in full view of the access card, cut the pass into slivers.
Brushed theat into the trash, put the CAC back and immediately accessed the site. I laughed triumphantly.

That's when i found out a manager had been watching me for some time.

"What are you doing?"
"Motivating compliance, actually. I think it was Gand Moff Tarkin who said, 'Fear will keep them in line.' Something like that."

Now i have an appointment with my Lead...for some reason.
Click to expand...
Did that with my Printer yesterday... In full view of it, I started googling replacements. :p
 
gmbteach said:
Keith&Co. said:
I have a Common Access Card (CAC) at work to access certain government sites. Today, it was not working. My credentials were refused, questioned, ignored, refused again, missing, found, lost...
I took the CAC out of the reader and set it down.
I have an expired pass from a military base i visited two years sgo, and it looks a lot like a CAC. I got that and, in full view of the access card, cut the pass into slivers.
Brushed theat into the trash, put the CAC back and immediately accessed the site. I laughed triumphantly.

That's when i found out a manager had been watching me for some time.

"What are you doing?"
"Motivating compliance, actually. I think it was Gand Moff Tarkin who said, 'Fear will keep them in line.' Something like that."

Now i have an appointment with my Lead...for some reason.
Click to expand...
Did that with my Printer yesterday... In full view of it, I started googling replacements. :p
Click to expand...
Sort results by the ink cartridges you already have replacements for. Show it you're not bluffing.
 
Keith&Co. said:
gmbteach said:
Keith&Co. said:
I have a Common Access Card (CAC) at work to access certain government sites. Today, it was not working. My credentials were refused, questioned, ignored, refused again, missing, found, lost...
I took the CAC out of the reader and set it down.
I have an expired pass from a military base i visited two years sgo, and it looks a lot like a CAC. I got that and, in full view of the access card, cut the pass into slivers.
Brushed theat into the trash, put the CAC back and immediately accessed the site. I laughed triumphantly.

That's when i found out a manager had been watching me for some time.

"What are you doing?"
"Motivating compliance, actually. I think it was Gand Moff Tarkin who said, 'Fear will keep them in line.' Something like that."

Now i have an appointment with my Lead...for some reason.
Click to expand...
Did that with my Printer yesterday... In full view of it, I started googling replacements. :p
Click to expand...
Sort results by the ink cartridges you already have replacements for. Show it you're not bluffing.
Click to expand...
ohh, I like your thinking... :P

It did decide to behave itself after that... I just need to remember that it needs rests... stupid old thing...
 
Nerds being nerdy over by Software. Two guys arranging the pushpins on a bulletin board in the Big and Little Dippers. From memory, no phones until they're done.
I stopped to look for a moment, they were arguing about one of the stars. Finally placed it, then saw me. "See anything wrong?"
"Just one thing," i said. "This is the North Star, right?"
"Duh!" they mocked.
"Well, this is a Western wall. So the star points the way West."
"NO one cares," one said.
"Doesn't matter," the other agreed.
"Okay." I went about my business. On the way back, the pins are in neat rows, now. No constellation. Okay, whatever. Further on, i pass the board in the hallway outside my office area.

The hallway runs East-West. On the bulletin board on the North wall, there are two constellations picked out in pushpins....
 
So, half the family are vetrrans. Someone from the other half sent this around.
g4jKdv3.jpeg

I appreciate the sentiment, Gay, I really do.
But when i tried to find toy diplomats to replace the little green Army men? I got a big case of Duplo Mats


...that they used as their battle maps.
 
Keith&Co. said:
I have a Common Access Card (CAC) at work to access certain government sites. Today, it was not working. My credentials were refused, questioned, ignored, refused again, missing, found, lost...
I took the CAC out of the reader and set it down.
I have an expired pass from a military base i visited two years sgo, and it looks a lot like a CAC. I got that and, in full view of the access card, cut the pass into slivers.
Brushed theat into the trash, put the CAC back and immediately accessed the site. I laughed triumphantly.

That's when i found out a manager had been watching me for some time.

"What are you doing?"
"Motivating compliance, actually. I think it was Gand Moff Tarkin who said, 'Fear will keep them in line.' Something like that."

Now i have an appointment with my Lead...for some reason.
Click to expand...

Doesn't work.

A while back Cox sent out an e-mail because I have a 3.0 modem and they were trying to encourage me to upgrade to a 3.1. I sure wasn't going to take them up on the rental bit but decided to upgrade the modem anyway. Bought the new one but didn't get it installed right away as I expected a fairly long hold on tech support to do so.

It got moved to where the existing modem could see it--and within a day the existing one went dodo. (I suspect it's wall wart died.) Turns out it wasn't a long hold at all.

And thinking back 20 years ago--we decided to get a new car. Saturn, no need to select from what was on the dealer's lot, ordering exactly what you wanted wouldn't cost more. We order the new car, get home and the old one lost it's clutch spring. (Given the mileage on the car that put the repair cost to even minimal function greater than it's value.)

Sometimes they just can't stand the competition and commit suicide.
 
Team Lead (not my team) gifts all his team members with electronic gift cards to a major restaurant chain. This was Xmas.

Last month, one of his people goes out on a business trip, takes another contractor to dinner at the chain.
At the end, he buys dinner. Shows the $30-off card to the waitress. She takes down the information.

So, the gift card code works. She also took the name off the email. The sender's name. Finds that the team lead has a rewards program membership at that chain. And he's got two free meals to his credit.
He ended up paying for about 25% of their bar tab. He thought the bill was ridiculously low, questioned it. Waitress: "Oh, we used your reward points."
"Okay." It was like two weeks before he suddenly realized, "Hey! I don't HAVE a rewards membership at that place!"
Which is about the time Team Lead discovered his free meals had been redeemed....in Seattle...while he was in Norfolk.
 
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