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Things that make you laugh...

Angry Floof

Angry Floof

Tricksy Leftits
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...that are not images or videos.

Whatever random junk cracks you up - overheard conversations, comments on facebook, crazy stuff your kids and pets do, any old nonsense... this is the place for you to post it so we can all crack up.

I'll start.

As I was typing the above, I typo'd "poast" instead of "post." For some reason that cracked me up.

Also, funny sisters. Sister A is staying with Sister B and Sister A is now referring to Sister B as "Ursula" (as in Ursula the Sea Witch). lol
 
I just watched a video review of a JRPG by Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw in which he hilariously described the genre as "teenagers using the power of friendship to kill god."

As a fan of JRPGs, I can't believe I never noticed that before, but it is a bit of a cliche. The description made me snicker.
 
my son's girlfriend woke up this morning to cops on the front porch.

Turns out her mom keeps butt-dialing 911....
 
I'm getting laser surgery on my eye, again. Not to improve my vision, but to burn away problematic blood vessels at the back.
Which reminds me of my first time.
I only had vision in one eye, the retina had become detached in the other one. Surgery was scheduled, but i was bleeding and doc wanted to fix that.
Forty-eleven times, they said bring someone to drive you home. I was terrified that the laser treatment would be like a permanent after-image.
I drove there myself, the wife left work and met me at the clinic. We would come back the next day for my car.

There were 441 zaps into my left eye.
I got up and was amazed at how well i could see. A nurse offered to lead me out to the waiting room, but i was fine. I could see the walls, i could see the people, i could tell the difference between doors and walls and the mural. I was fine.
I went out into the waiting room, up to my wife's chair, and said i thought i was good to drive home.
She held up her hand and asked, "How many fingers am i holding up?"
I turned away from the frightened woman in the seat i'd left my wife in and said, "Oh! You're over THERE! .................Well, as long as you came down here, maybe you should drive."
 
So, when i fly, i take along a hand puppet. Artemis, the Skunk.
He's come in handy a few times, calming babies or toddlers on the plane who are just tired of being on the plane or in the terminal.
I got voted the most valuable passenger on one flight.

Anyway, Artemis stays in my room on business trips because i generally don't need to calm sailors down. And if i do, then beer works better than fluffy skunks.

Most trips, if i leave him in the bed, he's on top of the pillows when i return.

Two trips ago, the staff must have had a slow day. The bed was made, the towels changed and trash emptied... And Artemis was in a pillow fort. He had them piled up around him, one on top, but he had a clear view to the TV. And he had the remote. And a bag of chips (unopened).
Very cute.
 
So i have three kids. Boys. Ages 20, 25 and 20.
I had a satori on an airplane some time ago. If a baby cries, it's not my problem. My kids were all in their teens and no grandchildren on the horizon.

It was a wonderfully freeing moment.

I don't have to try to figure if he's wet or if she's bored or if there's anything i can do to shut her the hell up.
I don't have to apologize to anyone else that the kid's high note is so high that it's only technically within human hearing because what you 'hear' is the echo of its affect upon your own spine.

It's just....noise. I can even make eye contact with other people while the baby cries. Sometimes i play with the puppet to calm them, but i don't HAVE to, you see? No one's going to think less of me as a parent for that baby crying.

So, on my last flight, there's a 9 month old who is not quite prepared to sit on one of two laps for five hours. He's certainly not in the mood to nap.

A couple hours into the flight, he's getting fractious and the dad apologizes to me. "Hey," I explained, "I have three. If he's not asking me for money or for a new phone, the screaming doesn't bother me."
 
yahtzee again, talking about skyrim's 'open world' aspects vs. needing to follow the plot:
"if you don't feel like it, you can walk 78 miles in the opposite direction, put a cooking pot over a dog's head, and swat at his knackers with a woodsman's axe until it howls itself deaf."

which is... so absurd and awesome of a turn of phrase.
 
Okay, so, one time in the off-crew offices of my first submarine, my LPO said it was time to go to training.
I said, "All in favor, say 'Sasquatch.'" And since there was really no option, half the division said, "Sasquatch."
For a while after that, I appended some commands ro suggestions with 'All in favor, say' and a random word.
When we went on patrol, i stopped waiting for a suggestion. I would just say, "All in favor, say 'Banana.'" And the division would duly say "Banana."
"Cumquat." "Vitiate." "Defenestration."
So, about six months of this. We turn the boat over to the other crew and go back to our offices. And the first day of our training period, i decided that i didn't want to be there. And at 0800 hours, i said, "All in favor, say 'Liberty.'" And the LPO said, "Liberty." So we filtered out of the office and went home. On Liberty.
The next day, he asked 'where did you guys all go?'
"Dude, you put down liberty!"
"When did i put down liberty?"
"When Keith said 'All in favor, say liberty.'"
And he automatically repeated 'Liberty.' When he turned around, we were gone.

Wednesday, he bodily blocked the door and told us that actually liberty did not go down until he formally and carefully intoned the code phrase: Alright, you motherfuckers can go on liberty, now.
Duly noted.

A few months after that, one of the guys finally noticed that i no longer asked anyone to say a word.
Hey, i'd already gotten two days off with it. That wasn't happening again.
 
crazy youtube comments:

Here is one..

"I have to stop shoving pickles up my ass, they will never turn back into cucumbers that way."
 
When i was in 12th grade, i spent one of my periods as a teacher's aide for 10th grade English. I wasn't quick in typing up worksheets, but i could grade her tests lickety split and i even found errors in her answer keys from time to time.
One day i walked into the classroom in the middle of a discussion and she spun. "Keith! What's the plural of moose?"
I had no idea. I made my eyes wide, looked left, looked right, and said "Holy Jesus there's a moose everywhere you look!"

- - - Updated - - -

repoman said:
crazy youtube comments:

Here is one..

"I have to stop shoving pickles up my ass, they will never turn back into cucumbers that way."
Click to expand...
Well, yeah, pickles are the cucumber undead. Shriveled, odd colors, strange smells, and they show up when you're least prepared for them...
 
My son reports a highly intellectual exchange on one of his regular forums.
The debate had reached that point of the process where one participant had the clarity to point out, "Well, you're just a faggot who likes My Little Pony."
To which the other individual replied: "Well, you're just a faggot who DOESN'T like My Little Pony. What's your point?"
 
Because i was SOOOOO clean and pure as a teen, I only really have one drug story. I learned it when a bunch of missile techs took the Master At Arms course. We were there for the nightstick training, but had fun with the drug curricula and other parts.

Seems a Master at Arms was teaching a Drug Recognition course to some officers. He had a cigar box with three joints in it. They passed it around, with the instructions to crack it, sniff, and then open it to see what that smell was. This was so that as the officers toured their spaces, they might recognize the smell.

Anyway, it passes around once, and when it gets back to the instructor, it only had two joints in it.

'Ha ha. Very funny. Now, I'm going to pass it around again, and this time I want everything back.' Around it goes, comes back, now it has just one joint inside.

'This isn't funny. Everyone put your head down on the desk, when the box is passed to you, open it, put it back if you have it, close it, and pass it on. Keep your head on the desk so no one will see who has it.' Comes back with two joints.

'Dammit. Everyone into the hall.'. MAA goes down the hall, comes back with a German Shepherd and his partner. 'This is a drug dog. We're gonna do this one more time, then if the dog finds a joint on you, you're going to be arrested.' One at a time they went into the class, opened the box, closed it, came out again. MAA went into the classroom....and found five joints in the box.....
 
Okay, so the patrol was winding down and the XO gave the watch sections a presentation on what the upcoming inspections were going to be.
Bored, my nothing i was bored.
Then he lost his place in his 5x7 cards and had to sort everything out. Lost control of the room. Little conversations pop up everywhere. They were talking sports at my table.
XO finally sorts his cards and looks up. MOST people see this and shut up.
So everything's quiet when i turn to my fellow watchstanders and make an off-the-cuff remark.

"I could be downloading amputee dwarf porn right now."
Dead silence. I turn back around to see the XO staring at me. I gave him permission to continue.

We get to port, turn over the boat, conduct the usual routines and finally, about a month or two later, i'm in the off-crew office when this A-ganger slides up next to me in the hall.
"I found that website."
I have NO idea what he's talking about. It was a meaningless throw-away remark. He hands me a folder. I open it up and try to make sense of the gray-scale screen capture of... Of a centaur? A Shetland pony centaur? With a saddle and a-? A?

His little smile was the worst. Like he'd finally found someone to share his interests with, a new friend who... Who screamed like a little girl: "OH MY GOD! IT'S REAL!"
 
Keith, you tell the best stories. :)

What made me laugh just now was seeing a link shared on Facebook: "Seven Traits of Highly Magical People."

Of course I took it as satire. Wouldn't you? But no, it's not. It's shared by a couple of my bliss bunny type friends who, wonderful and intelligent folk they may be, probably got a nice big confirmation rush from the list of traits (such as having vivid dreams and high sexual energy).

http://www.mindreality.info/landing/facebook/secretsfb5.html

I started to answer the questions (Do you think you are magic? Yes, yes, of course I do! Yes, that's totally me!), but it makes you enter an email address to get your magical report so I didn't bother. I already know I'm magical anyway. And apparently, so do some of my Facebook friends! I think I'll start a facebook group just for us magical people. :D
 
"What I don't understand about those pushing for school sponsored prayer is that they want their children to be taught about God by the same people they don't trust to teach math, science, and history."

Seen on another board.
 
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