# Things that make you laugh...

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
For some reason, David123's efforts, in the Religion forum, to define god, supernatural, evolution and purpose in such a way that God is natural, necessary and likely...
Well, for some reason that reminded me of the night of my roommate's breakthrough in physics.

During the day, we had a discussion about science and one thing that came up was the idea that 'gravity is a curve in space.' Or curved space.

Later that night, Mike decided that if we could flatten that curve, we could fly. He became fixated on this idea.

I woke up at 2am to find him pounding the floor of the living room with a mallet, hammering 'the curve' flat, then jumping in the air....and crashing down to the floor like a fucking stone.

Of course, by 'stone' i mean 'a drunken idiot.'

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
My company went to a weird schedule where we work a four day week of 9 hour days, then a 5 day week of 9 hour days and an 8 hour friday. We get a three-day weekend every pay period.

So last month, there was a 4-day week.
Then there was thanksgiving, which wuold have been a five-day week, but the holiday made it 3 work days.
Then another 4 day week.

My wife, who teaches at school, was remarking that next week, i'll have my first full work week in a month and it'll probably come as a shock.
I pointed out that i'm getting an injection in my eye on Monday, the work week will be a relaxing anti-climax after that. She winced and shut up.

#### Angry Floof

##### Tricksy Leftits
Staff member
I clicked something or other posted by a facebook friend and the link went to the site expandedconsciousness.com, which immediately informed me via popup: "Awaken Your Awareness By Liking Us on Facebook."

Hm. So that's how you do it.

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
Wife returns vocab tests to her 10th grade class.
One kid missed every single question in one section. He complains that he doesn't know what he did wrong, because his answers are the same as the answers his friend put down.
Wife checks. "Okay, well, he got version A of the test and you got version B."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean there are two different versions of the test."
"Wait, you gave me a list with different words? That's unfair!"
"No, same words, i just put them in a different order on the two tests."

Kid insists that this is unfair. Doesn't realize that he has outed himself for cheating. I thought that was funny.

But the parents of cheater call the English department head. They're upset that the school allows teachers to use two different versions of a test! There should be only one test so that all the kids take the same test.

Now,the only complaint the parents really have is that their darling got caught. The DH just keeps asking why there's a problem in using two versions.

The parents claim that it makes it difficult for the kids to study together if they have different tests.
DH points out that if you're waiting to study for a test until you get your test results back, you're going to fail a lot of tests.

They complain that it means some kids get easier tests.
"It's the same material in different order. And neither test is in the same order as the worksheet. How could one possibly be easier than the other?"

There was something about kids' self esteem? I didn't quite get it. Something almost made it sound like the kids would perceive the A-test students as the Have's and the B-Test students as the Have-Nots?
But whatever it was, DH pointed out that the tests are handed out so that students next to each other don't have the same version, which changes depending on how many students showed up for class that day. The A's aren' talways given to the same students.

They mumble and say they're still not satisfied and threaten to take the matter to the principal.

DH hates the principal with an abiding passion and can't think of anything better than to tie up his time with this sort of thing. So she gives them the phone number.

When she relayed the incident to my wife, Mrs. &Co. said, "You should have told them it would take the Superintendent to change the kid's grade."
"Why? I don't hate the Superintendent?"
"No, but then Principal would be getting a phone call where the shit's rolling DOWNhill from his boss, asking why the Evil English Department is setting kids up to fail."
"Damn it!" DH never thinks ahead when it really matters.

#### gmbteach

##### Mrs Frizzle
Wife returns vocab tests to her 10th grade class.
One kid missed every single question in one section. He complains that he doesn't know what he did wrong, because his answers are the same as the answers his friend put down.
Wife checks. "Okay, well, he got version A of the test and you got version B."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean there are two different versions of the test."
"Wait, you gave me a list with different words? That's unfair!"
"No, same words, i just put them in a different order on the two tests."

Kid insists that this is unfair. Doesn't realize that he has outed himself for cheating. I thought that was funny.

But the parents of cheater call the English department head. They're upset that the school allows teachers to use two different versions of a test! There should be only one test so that all the kids take the same test.

Now,the only complaint the parents really have is that their darling got caught. The DH just keeps asking why there's a problem in using two versions.

The parents claim that it makes it difficult for the kids to study together if they have different tests.
DH points out that if you're waiting to study for a test until you get your test results back, you're going to fail a lot of tests.

They complain that it means some kids get easier tests.
"It's the same material in different order. And neither test is in the same order as the worksheet. How could one possibly be easier than the other?"

There was something about kids' self esteem? I didn't quite get it. Something almost made it sound like the kids would perceive the A-test students as the Have's and the B-Test students as the Have-Nots?
But whatever it was, DH pointed out that the tests are handed out so that students next to each other don't have the same version, which changes depending on how many students showed up for class that day. The A's aren' talways given to the same students.

They mumble and say they're still not satisfied and threaten to take the matter to the principal.

DH hates the principal with an abiding passion and can't think of anything better than to tie up his time with this sort of thing. So she gives them the phone number.

When she relayed the incident to my wife, Mrs. &Co. said, "You should have told them it would take the Superintendent to change the kid's grade."
"Why? I don't hate the Superintendent?"
"No, but then Principal would be getting a phone call where the shit's rolling DOWNhill from his boss, asking why the Evil English Department is setting kids up to fail."
"Damn it!" DH never thinks ahead when it really matters.

#### thebeave

##### Veteran Member
Wife returns vocab tests to her 10th grade class.
One kid missed every single question in one section. He complains that he doesn't know what he did wrong, because his answers are the same as the answers his friend put down.
Wife checks. "Okay, well, he got version A of the test and you got version B."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean there are two different versions of the test."
"Wait, you gave me a list with different words? That's unfair!"
"No, same words, i just put them in a different order on the two tests."

Kid insists that this is unfair. Doesn't realize that he has outed himself for cheating. I thought that was funny.

But the parents of cheater call the English department head. They're upset that the school allows teachers to use two different versions of a test! There should be only one test so that all the kids take the same test.

Now,the only complaint the parents really have is that their darling got caught. The DH just keeps asking why there's a problem in using two versions.

The parents claim that it makes it difficult for the kids to study together if they have different tests.
DH points out that if you're waiting to study for a test until you get your test results back, you're going to fail a lot of tests.

They complain that it means some kids get easier tests.
"It's the same material in different order. And neither test is in the same order as the worksheet. How could one possibly be easier than the other?"

There was something about kids' self esteem? I didn't quite get it. Something almost made it sound like the kids would perceive the A-test students as the Have's and the B-Test students as the Have-Nots?
But whatever it was, DH pointed out that the tests are handed out so that students next to each other don't have the same version, which changes depending on how many students showed up for class that day. The A's aren' talways given to the same students.

They mumble and say they're still not satisfied and threaten to take the matter to the principal.

DH hates the principal with an abiding passion and can't think of anything better than to tie up his time with this sort of thing. So she gives them the phone number.

When she relayed the incident to my wife, Mrs. &Co. said, "You should have told them it would take the Superintendent to change the kid's grade."
"Why? I don't hate the Superintendent?"
"No, but then Principal would be getting a phone call where the shit's rolling DOWNhill from his boss, asking why the Evil English Department is setting kids up to fail."
"Damn it!" DH never thinks ahead when it really matters.

When the teacher handed back the tests, I got about a 96 or so, and he flunked it...miserably. He confided in me right then and there that he couldn't understand his low score, as he had copied my paper. I just shrugged. Then the teacher shows the distribution of test scores on the overhead projector and talks about how puzzled he is that he has never seen a score distribution like this in his life. There was my score at the top, followed by a few other random A's, B's & C's and then a massive amount of test scores below the "monkey factor" (i.e. under 25%). Just random guessing would get you 25 on this test, but there were people who had completed the test and got around less than 10! It was at that point that I realized there was a total racket going on of people copying off me (and the guy next to me) on the test...and probably every test I took that class. Made sense, as I was sitting in the front row, so it was easy to copy over my shoulder and pass it on. I totally thought I was going to get the shit kicked out of me by the low scorers for doing that, but oddly enough, I don't think anyone even cared, or put two and two together. I just remember being sort of simultaneously laughing inside and being horrified at the same time upon seeing that score distribution. Ah, memories....

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
Like the widely shared teaching story, a kid writes 'i don't know' as an answer, and another kid's test has 'neither do I' for that question?

When i was a young sailor, about 12 weeks out of bootcamp, i was in an electronics school. One week, i knew the topic cold. It was math and it came to me very easily. So i got cocky. I took one of my four-sided AD&D dice in on test day. I'd read the question, roll the die, then mark the right answer.
"&Co., what are you doing?"
"I cast a magic spell on my dice, Chief!" Chief came over to look at my test. While he was there, i rolled the die and marked whetever the die indicated. He shook his head in disgust and wlked away. I changed the answers to the right ones.

At the end of the available period, i was rolling the die, still.
"Now what?"

We took a break at the end of every test then wandered back in at the appropriate time. There was a form on my desk. It was the one they had students fill in to try to explain why we thought we failed. I laughed and handed it back. "No way I failed, Chief. Magic die."
The assistant instructor came in then, pale as a ghost. I'd aced the test. The Chief was speechless.
A friend offered me $10 for my magic die. Another friend offered me$20.

A sailor who was not in on the joke offered me \$50. That was very tempting.
But right then the Chief blew up, ordered us to never, ever, ever again bring dice in on test days.
Of course, i had to ask if that was TEST tests, or quizzes, too.
Five hours after school cleaning the classroom, but it was worth it.

#### dx713

##### Senior Member
In high school, I got a physics teacher (the same for the 3 years) who never seemed to notice people copying during test, however egregious (like some exchanging their copies to crosscheck their answers).

The only time she did substract points was when someone copied my test answer. I was allergic to learning formulas by heart at the time, so I often had to re-discover or bypass one to complete the test, sometimes through very convoluted ways depending on our advancement on the maths course. That particular test, about RLC circuitry, I had to go back to the basics of trigonometry to calculate a phase shift, and the guy just copied my reasonning.
The teacher was very apologetic about the point she substracted to both of us, but as she said, "I know only you could have found the right answer this way, I really cannot let that slide".

The funny part is that she also was one of the most inconsistently grading teacher I've known, a feat for a hard science teacher. It was rare that on test grading day, she wouldn't have at least 10 students going to her desk during break to complain about a forgotten point here or there. And much grumbling ensued, because she would often find a way ("oh, I didn't see, but that step isn't precise enough") to remove a point elsewhere and keep the grade where she had put it.

It's only after two years with her that it dawned on us that the ones she graded unfairly were usually the ones who had copied! She did see the copying, she just didn't care about policing - but she did not forget. Ended in much teasing towards the "copier" crowd by the non-copiers like myself.

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
One of my dad's courses in college was some literature appreciation thing that started at 6 am on Monday. He and a study partner decided that was just too painful and split it up. One would attend on weeks 1, 3, 5, 7... One would attend on weeks 2, 4, 6, 8... They'd combine notes at the end to study for the test.

After about 2 classes he decided that was still too painful and gave up on it. He figured he'd borrow his study partner's notes and get half the material, enough to get by.

Study time comes and these two meet and stare at each other. "Where are your notes?"

Turns out great minds think alike. Neither had attended a class since the 4th one.

So they show up for the test, hoping that lightning will strike or she'll have a heart attack or something. They noticed that the other kids in class are shoving papers around with their feet, down on the floor. Turns out the teacher was so nearsighted she only hit the classroom door 2 tries out of 4. People that actually attended the class noticed this.
And she was pretty close to deaf.
As long as no one stood up, faced her and shouted "PLEASE HAND ME THE CHEAT SHEET!" they were good.

Dad learned an important lesson that day. Always get a study partner who's more dedicated than you are. Or at least drinks less.

#### gmbteach

##### Mrs Frizzle
I wanted a shot of whiskey before bed and Bilby sent me this:

He then proceeded to tell me he had included a shot of Bacardi and Mead.

Pappy
Peppy
Pippy
Poppy
Puppy

#### NobleSavage

##### Veteran Member
So I'm playing around with "cloud" hosting and I'm trying to understand the logic and hype behind Docker and everyone jumping on containers. I read this anonymous post on Slashdot that completely cracked me up:

And here we go again, adding yet another layer to an already wobbling stack of layers.

First we have hardware. Then we're running Xen or some other supervisor on that hardware, so we can have numerous VMs running Linux running on one physical system. Then each of these Linux VMs is in turn running VirtualBox, which in turn is running Linux, which in turn is running some container system. Then each of these containers is running some set of software. In some cases these containers are running something like the Java VM, which is, of course, another layer. Then in some truly idiotic cases, we have something like JRuby running on this JVM. There's some half-baked Ruby code running on JRuby.

Let's visualize this stack:

- Ruby code
- JRuby
- JVM
- Container
- Linux
- VirtualBox
- Linux
- Xen
- Hardware

Now that there's all this compartmentalization, it becomes a royal pain in the ass to share data between the apps running in the containers running in the VMs running on the actual hardware. So we start seeing numerous networking hacks to try and make it all into something barely usable. So throw on Apache, Varnish, and other software into the mix, too.

I'm sure that within a few years, we'll start seeing containers within containers, if that isn't already being done. Then those will need sandboxing, so there will be sandboxes for the containers that contain the containers.

Meanwhile, it's just one hack after another to intentionally get around all of this isolation, in order to do something minimally useful with this stack. The performance of the system goes swirling down the shitter as a result of all of the layers, and all of the effort needed to bypass these layers.

What a fucking mess!

There has to be one other person who finds this funny?

#### Angry Floof

##### Tricksy Leftits
Staff member
I probably would if I understood it.

#### NobleSavage

##### Veteran Member
I probably would if I understood it.

It's hyperbolic, but the gyst of it is they keep reinventing the wheel.

#### James Brown

##### Veteran Member
I found it funny. My job sits at the hardware and OS layers, and I often look up at the towering stack of layers above me--supported by other people--and worry about the whole thing collapsing.

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
There's a coffee machine in the hall. When you select coffee on the panel, it takes about 40 seconds to brew it, then dribbles it down into the cup.
Everyone i've ever seen use it has gotten the cup in place, then selected their beverage.

Until today.

Someone from a distant work center was at a meeting on this end of the building. He pushed the button for the coffee, THEN selected his cup, slipped an insulating ring around it, added sweetener, and finally placed it under the spigot to wait for the coffee.

I appreciated the fact that he cut the wait-time of anyone behind him in half. But someone else in the hall lost their freaking mind.
"What if you hadn't put the cup in place in time?"
"Then i'd hit the coffee button a second time."
"But there'd be a mess!"
"I'd clean it."
"Someone might slip in the coffee!"
"Dude, i've never failed to get the cup there in time."
"But it's still dangerous!"

By then i had gotten my hot chocolate out of the machine. I left them there, still arguing.

I want that sort of job.

Roaming the building, making sure people assemble their coffee correctly.

#### Angry Floof

##### Tricksy Leftits
Staff member
I want that sort of job.

Roaming the building, making sure people assemble their coffee correctly.

I have no doubt you're the best man for the job.

#### bilby

##### Fair dinkum thinkum
So, I work from home, and in a different city from the rest of my team, so a lot of the time I communicate with my colleagues by instant chat.

This morning I came across a problem with a shared server we all use, and that I need for a customer job, so I emailed the server admin, and cc'ed my manager to get it fixed.

Just now, my manager 'pinged' me on instant chat to discuss the problem and see if we had got it fixed, and as is often the case, I was multi-tasking - chatting with my manager, running a virtual machine install, configuring a different remote machine, and (of course) checking out TFT.

So I typed a new reply to a TFT thread, and just as I was doing so, a chat message came in from my manager. The TFT post was a single word, and for a brief but horrible instant, I was not sure if the word had been posted to TFT, or sent to my boss as the chat window grabbed the focus.

The full text of the post in question can be found here.

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
I take lunch at my desk. People are constantly asking me questions and it's easier for them to find me here.
There's a gnat problem in the office, so i tend to keep the lid on my Coke except when i;m actually sipping.
And after a tour in Scotland, i enjoy vinegar on certain foods, so i keep a bottle on my desk.

But during lunch today (seafood bar), i had to answer a questoin that was pretty involved. I cleared a space and drew the interfaces of the subsystem on a sheet of paper. During the discussion after, i reached absently over to take a sip of Coke.
Took the lid off and knocked back a big ol' swig of malt vinegar.

just about everything on the left side of my cubicle smells of vinegar surprise, right now. Well, the whole area smells strongly of vinegar. I am apparently the only person for six cubicles in any direction who finds the smell of vinegar to be appetizing. I am apparently the only person for three cubicles in any direction who finds the smell of vinegar to be tolerable.

I have so far escaped any sort of retribution.

Someone sort of mockingly threatened to file a grievance about the working conditions
Someone else said 'Well, if we put up with the smell of Chris' perfume.'
Christine said, "I don't wear perfume!"
"It's AFTERSHAVE, not perfume!"

Somewhere in there, the tone shifted from 'mockingly' to 'workplace violence' so six coworkers are in my boss' boss' office as witnesses or plaintiffs.

I'm sitting here, answering a list of questions (emailed to me from 13 cubicles away) and contemplating the shaman who told me that Skunk was my totem animal.
Skunk's medicine power is to keep away shallow friends and the overly familiar... People who don't really, really want to get to know you won't hang around...

Certainly more accurate than any Fortune Coookie i've ever had.

ETA: Oh, and i guess the moral of the story is not to let people ask you questions directly. "Send me an email" is my new mantra, my supervisor told me.
I'm not sure she knows what a 'mantra' actually is. She didn't stick around long enough to discuss it, though.

#### James Brown

##### Veteran Member
So I typed a new reply to a TFT thread, and just as I was doing so, a chat message came in from my manager. The TFT post was a single word, and for a brief but horrible instant, I was not sure if the word had been posted to TFT, or sent to my boss as the chat window grabbed the focus.

The full text of the post in question can be found here.

LOL. I've totally been there. Most IMs can be configured to not pop into focus on new messages.

#### gmbteach

##### Mrs Frizzle
A 4-year-old kid kept telling his teacher about his baby sis who was going to be born because he was very excited about it.

One day his mom made him feel the baby's movements by placing his palm on her stomach. The kid didn't say anything. . . . From that day onward, he stopped telling his teacher about his baby sis.

A week later, when his teacher inquired about his baby sis, the boy's eyes were filled with tears.

He replied, "My Mummy ate it!"

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
Difficulties involving a coworker's wedding plans remind me of a shipmate.

WHen we were stationed in Scotland, he and wife had a baby. The baby was about a month old when his sister got married. She invited him, he declined.
There were a number of problems, including the cost of getting home, the discomfort of flying 'Space Available' and he didn't think she wanted half of her wedding guests in the back of the church cooing at the new baby.

He said, "no, not coming."
What she heard, though, was that the Navy would not LET him come home.

She called her Senator. During an election year. He started with the office of the SecNav.
It rolled downhill.
By the time my fellow sailor learned about any of this, he was being briefed. "Your flight will leave at 1030 on Sunday. It'll be a cargo plane redirected from Lakenheath. You will be at the MOD Gate at 0500. Be prepared for a very noisy plane, lots of pressure differences, wear hearing protection..."
"But i said no!"
"And the admiral said 'Yepper Boy Howdy.' So you're going."
They were uncomfortable, baby was miserable and 3/4's of the guests were in the church kitchen saying 'poor baby' during the ceremony.

The moral of hte story, it would seem, is not to tell siblings that you're enlisted...or married... living overseas....

#### Underseer

##### Contributor
"Rape to those who say we are misogynist!"

Surely I don't have to explain where that came from, but it's funny and horrifying at the same time.

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
So i was a little overweight at the end of my military career. Not obese, but hefty.
One day, we were volunteered for the fire-fighting trainer. Great fun. Walking around a simulated engine room wiht real fires burning.

So we drink a lot of water, dress out and go back in the fire.
We come out, drink more water, everyone goes to pee, then we go back in the fire.
Except, i wasn't peeing.
Couldn't make it go.

And i'm not really sweating that much.
But we carry on. And when i was running the nozzle, i crouched down low to fight the fire and the nozzles on my breathing apparatus kept getting tangled up. I kept having to stand up from my crouch in order to get a breath through the tubes.

At the end of that fire, i still didn't pee.

During the next fire, someone lost control of his firehose and got knocked against me and slammed me against a bulkhead. hurt my shoulder.

During one of the breaks, after the debrief, one of the trainer guys asked me if i was okay. "Yeah, i'm fine."
"YOu keep rubbing your left arm."
"Yeah, it hurts a bit, but nothing major." I did not notice his eyes get big, not right then.
He asked if my chest felt tight. Well, now that you mention it, the guy that tightened my straps was a bit of a sadist, so the OBA fit me a little tight. "Yeah, actually."
"And have you had any difficulty breathing?"
"Yeah, that's why i keep standing up in the fires."

So there's no immediate reaction but he goes and talks to some other instructors.
They come back and tell me i need to go talk to our corpsman. And one of the instructors needs to take some paperwork over to base medical so he asks to get a ride with me. Sure.
I drive over and he tells me to park in back.
“But I usually park on the south side, where my corpsman’s office is.”
“It’ll be fine, we park here all the time.”
“Okay,” I’m dubious but complied.
Then he wanted to walk in through the ER entrance. No, no. They made it clear that only Emergencies use the Emergency room. But he assures me that we’ll be okay. We get two steps in, there’s a 1st class who starts opening his mouth to yell at us for using the ER as a lobby.
Before I can say ‘His Idea!’ this idiot beside me jumps two feet to the side, points at me and shouts “THIS MAN! HAS CHEST PAINS! AND DIFFICULTY BREATHING!”
I did have time to say ‘Oh, you bastard!’ In ten minutes I was naked, wired up, stabbed with needles, wrapped in probes and four doctors looking at my EKG. And they frowned.
“It doesn’t look like a heart attack!”
“It’s NOT!” I protested. “The OBA straps were too fucking tight!”
“…But we’ll hold you overnight for observation.” I get rolled into an ambulance and dragged to the city hospital.

They wouldn’t let me stand to go potty, so when I finally went, I used two bedpans. Another mark on the damned chart.
The civilian doctor kept asking why I was there. After 24 hours they let me put on my uniform and beg a ride back to base. Got to the office where I found I was in trouble for missing the morning muster and I’d been marked AWOL from the fire-fighting debrief.
The words I threw at the XO in response to the charge of sneaking out of the training session will add little to the narrative at this point in time.

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
Oy Gevalt.

So, it's the annual work pot luck.

Someone brought in a platter of deviled eggs.

I told him to change the label. We have some thumpers in the office, and since we chose to call it a 'holiday' pot luck, they'll bitch that we allowed 'Deviled' on the table, but not Christ.

i was joking.

Somehow, the rumor mill worked its magic and the word that the secretary who organized this got was that people ARE filing grievances. So the Angel Food Cake is now "Protective Spirits Cake." The Deviled Eggs are 'Spiced Yolk Stuffed Eggs.' She's in there going a little berserk on every dish labeled with Christmas or anything remotely religious. Holiday Fruitcake, Holiday brownies piled in the form of a Holiday tree.
A big tray of 'Seasonal Ornaments' shaped cookies.

So now the people that wrote the original tags are pissed that someone's so atheist as to demand that no one can celebrate Christmas.... So fifteen people in the last ten minutes have offered me a Merry CHRISTmas.
I have expressed the hopes that they enjoy the solstice.

Fuck it.
Next year i make a gingerbread cemetary and put Christmas decorations on the tomb

#### rousseau

##### Contributor
So I just got a post-grad job and have a bit more disposable income so I made a text document titled 'things I want to buy'. I opened it up and the only thing inside it was:

"Dilbert comic book"

I loled.

#### Davka

##### Senior Member
"Winter Solstice is a special time of year and with the recent IS:IS Goddess Energy Portal Activation on the Earth’s Grid (Astral & Etheric Planes of Frequency) on Dec. 15th…new quantum energy is bathing Mother Gaia during this time of Ascension and shifting of the season. Dec. 25th will expand the Christ – Consciousness within us ALL and these videos are guides to others on what is taking place within. Our soul knows what we are feeling and it is up to us in the 3D to channel this wonderful Abundance of Energy/Light at this time.

"Connect the dots within your body/mind is a path we are ALL on. If you are watching this video, your consciousness has expanded to a higher understanding of why you are on this planet at this time. It’s truly amazing and I am grateful you are watching, so get on board and transform your life into a SELF EMPOWERMENT journey of LOVE! Learn more with endless possibilities with activated DNA."

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
There are two similar gifts under the tree for my wife.
One says 'to NAME from Santa Claus.'
One says 'To Mrs. &Co. from her grateful and respectful students.'

She saw that. "I teach 10th grade English! I have no respectful or grateful students!"
"What the hell's your problem? There's no Santa Claus, either, and you didn't bat an eye at that tag."

#### WAB

##### Veteran Member
How many packs of pepper packets could a pepper packet packer pack if a pepper packet packer could pack a pack of pepper packets?

[institutional humor]

Staff member

#### gmbteach

##### Mrs Frizzle
You Know It's Hot In Australia When!

1) The best parking spot is determined by shade not distance

2) Hot water comes out of both taps

3) You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron

4) The temperature drops below 32c and you feel chilly

5) You discover that in January and February it only takes two fingers to steer a car

6) You discover you can get sunburnt through your windscreen

7) You develop a fear of metal door handles

8) You break a sweat the instance you step outside at 7am

9) Your biggest bicycle accident fear is "What if i get knocked out and end up lying on the road and getting cooked"

10) You realise asphalt has a liquid state

11) Farmers are feeding there chickens crushed ice to prevent them from laying hard boiled eggs

12) The trees are whistling for dogs

13) While walking back barefoot to your car from any event, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark

14) You catch a cold from having the aircon on full blast all night long

15) You learn that Westfield Shopping Centre's aren't just Shopping Centre's, they are temples to worship Air-Conditioning

16) Sticking your head in the freezer and taking deep breaths is considered normal

17) A cup full of ice is considered a great snack

18) A black out is life threatening because your aircon and your fans no longer work.

19) No one cares if you walk around with no shoes on

20) You keep anything in the fridge, including potatoes, bread and clothing

21) People have enough left over beer cans to make a boat and compete in a regatta. (S.A joke)

22) The effort of toweling yourself off after a shower means you need another shower right away.

23) You will wait patiently until the day it starts raining to go on a run.

24) You worry your ceiling fan is spinning so fast it will fly off and Kill You

25) You Laugh because this list is so accurate

#### spikepipsqueak

##### My Brane Hertz
This made me laugh, and cry.

Also

and 16 little giggles

#### Attachments

• potd-santa-monica_3148284k.jpg
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#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
So, i submitted a training package.

I copied a lot of things out of the manual.

The guy who helped write the manual made a comment that directly contradicts the training manual. He suggested someone else make a change.

My response to this comment was to point out that i was in compliance with the directive, and if there was to be a change, it had to start with the manual, and until that was incorporated they should leave my package the hell alone.

A manager told me i was using strong language and that wasn't professional. That in the future i should try to calm down before i write responses.

"What, HELL? HELL is strong language? You're shitting me! I made 16 goddamned patrols on four fucking submarines over a twenty-year career in the motherfucking Navy. This IS me being calm. I WANTED to call him a sockfucking bastard! I think the two-faced bastard needs to be bent over a barbed wire fence and raped with a cattle prod."

He complained to another manager. That manager had 20 patrols. It was a short conversation.

#### Loren Pechtel

##### Super Moderator
Staff member
So, i submitted a training package.

I copied a lot of things out of the manual.

The guy who helped write the manual made a comment that directly contradicts the training manual. He suggested someone else make a change.

My response to this comment was to point out that i was in compliance with the directive, and if there was to be a change, it had to start with the manual, and until that was incorporated they should leave my package the hell alone.

A manager told me i was using strong language and that wasn't professional. That in the future i should try to calm down before i write responses.

"What, HELL? HELL is strong language? You're shitting me! I made 16 goddamned patrols on four fucking submarines over a twenty-year career in the motherfucking Navy. This IS me being calm. I WANTED to call him a sockfucking bastard! I think the two-faced bastard needs to be bent over a barbed wire fence and raped with a cattle prod."

He complained to another manager. That manager had 20 patrols. It was a short conversation.

Fucking submarines? Over 20 years? DADT was only recently repealed and the subs are male-only. How did you have a fucking submarine back then?

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
Fucking submarines? Over 20 years? DADT was only recently repealed and the subs are male-only. How did you have a fucking submarine back then?
Subs haven't been male only for several years, now. They just busted a significant number of sailors for attaching a camera to the officer's shower and a larger number of them for knowing about it and not doing anything.

Anyway, considering the number of extra special ways the submarine could fail in such a way as to become a threat to one crewman or all life on board, it was clearly understood by all qualified seamen that once the hatch was shut and the boat submerged, the chances were very good that if you didn't do your job, we were all fucked.

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
So, my aunt bought a new stove.
'Aunt' being family shorthand. I think she's a second or third cousin, at least three times removed, maybe five, but the Uncle who not only fully understands the relationship system and family tree, he will also spend four hours making sure you fully understand it, lives far enough away that i can pretend he's recently died.
Anyway, 'Sally' needed a new stove and the salesman wanted to move a floor display unit he'd had 'forever' so she got a great deal.

Free delivery and take-away of the old one, set-up and tested and leveled and everything. Great choice, great service.

Yesterday, her kid went through the instruction manual and asked what 'Shabbat' mode is. Most of that side of the family knows less about Judaism than Self-Mutation knew about actual Christainity, so phone calls led to phone calls led eventually to me. I tried to explain that it's nothing to worry about, it's a way to override automatic shut-off safety timers for the purpose of keeping Kosher, for orthodox Jews.

She then goes into some sort of panic that she's now on some registry as being Jewish because her stove has the capability to cook foods on the weekend.

So despite the great deal, she's intending to take the thing back and pay more for a new stove, in order to avoid association with a religion she knows bupkes* about. I was tempted to let her. But then she'll be screaming at an innocent dealer who bent over backwards to make her happy and make room for a new stove on his floor....

LUCKILY, we just bought a new stove ourselves. I mean, like, just weeks ago. And i recalled that our unit does not have that feature, but the manual described how to turn it on.

So i ask if she's sure that the oven even does this. "It's in the USER MANUAL!" she points out. i tried to explain that corporations save money by making one manual for several different versions. No help. Not until i suggest that the dealer, the one she already suspects of having done her dirty, may have included the wrong manual by mistake.

So i get her son on the phone and we try to see if we can set Shabbat mode. He's a little snippy that i don't own a cell phone so he cannot just send me pics of the unit. I withhold snipping back at him for being the son of an idiot.... But in the end, we agree that there are no such controls.

Now she's just going to take the manual back to the dealer and demand 'the real one.' Let him explain. I'm done. I saved him the effort of another delivery, he owes me.

*Sorry. Couldn't be helped.

#### thebeave

##### Veteran Member
So, my aunt bought a new stove.
'Aunt' being family shorthand. I think she's a second or third cousin, at least three times removed, maybe five, but the Uncle who not only fully understands the relationship system and family tree, he will also spend four hours making sure you fully understand it, lives far enough away that i can pretend he's recently died.
Anyway, 'Sally' needed a new stove and the salesman wanted to move a floor display unit he'd had 'forever' so she got a great deal.

Free delivery and take-away of the old one, set-up and tested and leveled and everything. Great choice, great service.

Yesterday, her kid went through the instruction manual and asked what 'Shabbat' mode is. Most of that side of the family knows less about Judaism than Self-Mutation knew about actual Christainity, so phone calls led to phone calls led eventually to me. I tried to explain that it's nothing to worry about, it's a way to override automatic shut-off safety timers for the purpose of keeping Kosher, for orthodox Jews.

She then goes into some sort of panic that she's now on some registry as being Jewish because her stove has the capability to cook foods on the weekend.

So despite the great deal, she's intending to take the thing back and pay more for a new stove, in order to avoid association with a religion she knows bupkes* about. I was tempted to let her. But then she'll be screaming at an innocent dealer who bent over backwards to make her happy and make room for a new stove on his floor....

LUCKILY, we just bought a new stove ourselves. I mean, like, just weeks ago. And i recalled that our unit does not have that feature, but the manual described how to turn it on.

So i ask if she's sure that the oven even does this. "It's in the USER MANUAL!" she points out. i tried to explain that corporations save money by making one manual for several different versions. No help. Not until i suggest that the dealer, the one she already suspects of having done her dirty, may have included the wrong manual by mistake.

So i get her son on the phone and we try to see if we can set Shabbat mode. He's a little snippy that i don't own a cell phone so he cannot just send me pics of the unit. I withhold snipping back at him for being the son of an idiot.... But in the end, we agree that there are no such controls.

Now she's just going to take the manual back to the dealer and demand 'the real one.' Let him explain. I'm done. I saved him the effort of another delivery, he owes me.

*Sorry. Couldn't be helped.

Hilarious. I've seen the Shabbat mode on several ranges. Always cracks me up.

You can always download the manual (in pdf format) from the Internet, rather than take a special trip to the dealer (who may not have one anyway). Go to the appliance manufacturer's website and enter the model number under the Support tab. I've done this many times on products that have been out for more than 20 years!

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
You can always download the manual (in pdf format) from the Internet, rather than take a special trip to the dealer (who may not have one anyway). Go to the appliance manufacturer's website and enter the model number under the Support tab. I've done this many times on products that have been out for more than 20 years!
I've done it for products about 2 weeks old but the manual got thrown out with the wrapping paper.

But that's just it.
She HAS the right manual. Phrases like 'If your stove is equipped with Shabbat mode' would be considered clues to enlightened consumers. It's an 'IF' statement. The answer is 'no,' then skip the next four paragraphs.

#### hyzer

##### Senior Member

In high school in 1978, we had a teacher, Mr Bridges, who kept his desk and desk drawers perfectly organized. One day there was an announcement and he had to go to the admin offices leaving us alone in the classroom. We knew that was at least a 5 minute walk each way from the classroom. As soon as he was gone we jumped to action to carry out our plan . . . we pulled all his desk drawers, swapping the top left and right, then criss-cross swapping the other 4. He returned and resumed the teaching. The bell rang and as we walked out, one of my compatriots asked him if they could borrow his stapler to fasten some papers. He, as was his habit, did not even look as he opened his top right drawer only to not find his stapler in its appointed position. "Oh, never mind" said the student, exiting quickly.

The next day he actually complemented us as he sheepishly added that after school he has emptied two drawers before he realized that is not what we did . . .

#### hyzer

##### Senior Member
So, my aunt bought a new stove.
'Aunt' being family shorthand. I think she's a second or third cousin, at least three times removed, maybe five, but the Uncle who not only fully understands the relationship system and family tree, he will also spend four hours making sure you fully understand it, lives far enough away that i can pretend he's recently died.
Anyway, 'Sally' needed a new stove and the salesman wanted to move a floor display unit he'd had 'forever' so she got a great deal.

Free delivery and take-away of the old one, set-up and tested and leveled and everything. Great choice, great service.

Yesterday, her kid went through the instruction manual and asked what 'Shabbat' mode is. Most of that side of the family knows less about Judaism than Self-Mutation knew about actual Christainity, so phone calls led to phone calls led eventually to me. I tried to explain that it's nothing to worry about, it's a way to override automatic shut-off safety timers for the purpose of keeping Kosher, for orthodox Jews.

She then goes into some sort of panic that she's now on some registry as being Jewish because her stove has the capability to cook foods on the weekend.

So despite the great deal, she's intending to take the thing back and pay more for a new stove, in order to avoid association with a religion she knows bupkes* about. I was tempted to let her. But then she'll be screaming at an innocent dealer who bent over backwards to make her happy and make room for a new stove on his floor....

LUCKILY, we just bought a new stove ourselves. I mean, like, just weeks ago. And i recalled that our unit does not have that feature, but the manual described how to turn it on.

So i ask if she's sure that the oven even does this. "It's in the USER MANUAL!" she points out. i tried to explain that corporations save money by making one manual for several different versions. No help. Not until i suggest that the dealer, the one she already suspects of having done her dirty, may have included the wrong manual by mistake.

So i get her son on the phone and we try to see if we can set Shabbat mode. He's a little snippy that i don't own a cell phone so he cannot just send me pics of the unit. I withhold snipping back at him for being the son of an idiot.... But in the end, we agree that there are no such controls.

Now she's just going to take the manual back to the dealer and demand 'the real one.' Let him explain. I'm done. I saved him the effort of another delivery, he owes me.

*Sorry. Couldn't be helped.

I am an architect and I once had a client that hired my firm to renovate about 12 existing buildings in Philadelphia. We did the drawings, contractors were hired, the work began. I have to mention that windows typically come with a flange for installing them to the outside of the sheathing over the wall framing. However, for applications in existing buildings, all window manufacturers make the exact same windows without flanges. This is because in an existing building the sheathing is typically covered with the exterior finish materials (in this case brick) which you don't want to have to remove to install the new windows. The windows sans flanges are slid into the openings and fastened with various means from the interior of the building (instead of the exterior). Some of these window manufacturers call windows without flanges "replacement" windows. This is essentially industry shorthand . . . . for this project I have specified and detailed for windows without flanges. The windows arrive and the contractor starts installing them and a day or so later the client visits the site and I get an angry call from him "I paid for NEW windows! Why am I getting REPLACEMENT windows!!!!"

#### Elixir

After our Dad died, our mother (of 5) moved us to the Santa Barbara suburb of Montecito. Nice house on the highest then-developed road in the mountains overlooking the ocean, but it was about to explode into some really pricey real estate. Someone built a road and began a humongous foundation right above us. I was about 11 at the time, my younger brother was 9... and we didn't exactly cotton to the idea of being looked down upon.

We walked up to see what was going on, and holy moly - there were these ditches with little stakes and strings in them ALL OVER the place. (In retrospect I'd estimate that it was about a 5-6000sq ft foundation footprint). We were basically good kids, and didn't want to do any wanton destruction or anything, but just HAD to express our displeasure in some small way. So we didn't really mess with it - just moved some of the stakes a few inches this way and that. We were careful to keep the strings tight though, because we really didn't want to do any damage.

It was a few days before some man was at the door screaming at our Mom... after she got rid of him, she sat me and my brother down and asked if we had done anything to "that house they're building". We just sort of looked at each other. Uncharacteristically, our Mom just let it go!

The next weekend there was a lot of heavy equipment up there, and we had to go investigate. Yup. There was a whole parade of huge trucks, hauling away concrete as fast as two monster excavators could pull it out of the ground...

For the sake of my conscience, I like to hope the owners or builders had some kind of insurance.

#### gmbteach

##### Mrs Frizzle

In high school in 1978, we had a teacher, Mr Bridges, who kept his desk and desk drawers perfectly organized. One day there was an announcement and he had to go to the admin offices leaving us alone in the classroom. We knew that was at least a 5 minute walk each way from the classroom. As soon as he was gone we jumped to action to carry out our plan . . . we pulled all his desk drawers, swapping the top left and right, then criss-cross swapping the other 4. He returned and resumed the teaching. The bell rang and as we walked out, one of my compatriots asked him if they could borrow his stapler to fasten some papers. He, as was his habit, did not even look as he opened his top right drawer only to not find his stapler in its appointed position. "Oh, never mind" said the student, exiting quickly.

The next day he actually complemented us as he sheepishly added that after school he has emptied two drawers before he realized that is not what we did . . .

Ohh I like it!!

#### Davka

##### Senior Member

After our Dad died, our mother (of 5) moved us to the Santa Barbara suburb of Montecito. Nice house on the highest then-developed road in the mountains overlooking the ocean, but it was about to explode into some really pricey real estate. Someone built a road and began a humongous foundation right above us. I was about 11 at the time, my younger brother was 9... and we didn't exactly cotton to the idea of being looked down upon.

We walked up to see what was going on, and holy moly - there were these ditches with little stakes and strings in them ALL OVER the place. (In retrospect I'd estimate that it was about a 5-6000sq ft foundation footprint). We were basically good kids, and didn't want to do any wanton destruction or anything, but just HAD to express our displeasure in some small way. So we didn't really mess with it - just moved some of the stakes a few inches this way and that. We were careful to keep the strings tight though, because we really didn't want to do any damage.

It was a few days before some man was at the door screaming at our Mom... after she got rid of him, she sat me and my brother down and asked if we had done anything to "that house they're building". We just sort of looked at each other. Uncharacteristically, our Mom just let it go!

The next weekend there was a lot of heavy equipment up there, and we had to go investigate. Yup. There was a whole parade of huge trucks, hauling away concrete as fast as two monster excavators could pull it out of the ground...

For the sake of my conscience, I like to hope the owners or builders had some kind of insurance.

As a Santa Barbara native, I approve your ultimately futile protest against the encroachment of the 1%. They own the place now, but it was worth a shot.

#### spikepipsqueak

##### My Brane Hertz
Who says doing the washing isn't fun?

My boss has boxers that must make him look like Michaelangelo's David from navel to thighs.

#### Angry Floof

##### Tricksy Leftits
Staff member

Person 1:
Koan:
~
Can you be who you are, and be kind to yourself?
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8 people like this.

Person 2: Does "mercy killing" count?