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Things that make you laugh...

Coworker has a colonoscopy tomorrow, so prepping this afternoon. And working from home.
Supervisor told him in no uncertain terms not to transmit from his bathroom today.
He asked me by text if there was anything he could do for "fun."
I told him to tell us when he drank the shit, with taste review, then an hour later say, "Whoops, did anyone hear that?"

Best ghostwriting i have ever done.

Six people in chat. Replies were, "No," and "Hear what?" and "I heard nothing," and supervisor's, "No, what did- Oh! No! No no no no no! You FUCK! You sick FUCK!"
I asked, "What did he....oh."
And Morgan Freeman's voiceover would have been, "And that's when the penny dropped. For everyone."

God, such hate. No, really it was HATE. All Caps.
 
I came out of the post office after checking our box. Wife did not see anything in my hands. "No mail today?"
I said, "It's a War day."
She stared. Blinked. Thought about it. "Huh?"
"War!" I repeated.
"Yeah....?"
"What is it good for?" I asked.
She rolled her eyes. That's my wife. She can not only finish my sentences (hell, she can finish my paragraphs), but she can finish my puns.

She doesn't.

But she can go straight to disappointment without the intervening steps.
 
So, i have been trying to reach my dad since Thanksgiving. Messages on the machine, no response.
I know his friend will call me if he dies, so, he had to be alive... somewhere. The worse the news, the closer he plays it to his chest. So after ten days, I had shifted from "Which hospital?" to start wondering "Which hospice?"

Today, he forwarded me an email. So i called sgain.
Bastard had been home the whole time. But when he sees the messages on the phone, thought, "Ah, it's too late to call."
I told him after a week, he's allowed, even encouraged, to call after hours so i know he ain't dead.

He tried to shift the topic. "So, what have you been doing for fun?"
"Calling you," I said. Seven, eight messages.
"That's not fun," he replied.
"NO SHIT!!!"
And he laughdd and laughed.... jackass rat bastard.
 
The company has a big push to cross-train and expand our knowledge. My division signed up for a raft of courses.
I signed up for nothing. Not because i know everything, but because i hate corporate training.
Odd, considering that my job is corporate instructor.

But that's just it. I enjoy talking about Fire Control, Strategic Weapons, or Submarines. It's what i'm paid to do. I run courses where i enjoy answering questions and explaining operations. I'm there until they stop asking questions. I give my contact information at the start and end of every course so they can ask questions or request copies of the presentations.

I get thank-you notes from people that take my courses.

Day after day, coworkers are coming back from training where it's fucking obvious they tapped someone on the shoulder, said, "You're the subject matter expert on _____. Go give a presentation on _____."
They're not people who primarily or regularly give presentations. They're not accomplished instructors.
They read the bullet statements off the powerpoint. They speed-read the bullets.
They'd rather be somewhere else doing their 'real' job, and they couldn't give a furry rat's tailbone if anyone wants to learn. They do not encourage contact.

Boss says it doesn't look good that i'm not taking any of these courses.
I told him it wouldn't look much better if i went and filled out the satisfaction survey they're required to hand out. It would be exhaustive.

He's letting the matter drop. Smart man, for middle level management.
 
Arctish said:
Click to expand...

What would really make me laugh is if someone dick stomped that asshole doing the recording, pretending to be friendly and then going straight to gratuitous cruelty when the guy asked him not to record him. Actually, he should get his ass beat just for that douchebag voice alone. Fucking mongrel.
 
Angry Floof said:
Arctish said:
Click to expand...

What would really make me laugh is if someone dick stomped that asshole doing the recording, pretending to be friendly and then going straight to gratuitous cruelty when the guy asked him not to record him. Actually, he should get his ass beat just for that douchebag voice alone. Fucking mongrel.
Click to expand...

I was thinking pretty much the same thing. A little less sailor mouth, but essentially the same thing. This silly frivolous individual praises that ridiculous car and then insults the driver for being obese.
I would have went after video boy's parents. Who raises their kid to be like that? Was dad even in the picture? Did mom drink all day? Was she passed out, face down with a mouthful of shag carpet by time junior got home from school?
 
TV and credit cards said:
Angry Floof said:
Arctish said:
Click to expand...

What would really make me laugh is if someone dick stomped that asshole doing the recording, pretending to be friendly and then going straight to gratuitous cruelty when the guy asked him not to record him. Actually, he should get his ass beat just for that douchebag voice alone. Fucking mongrel.
Click to expand...

I was thinking pretty much the same thing. A little less sailor mouth, but essentially the same thing. This silly frivolous individual praises that ridiculous car and then insults the driver for being obese.
I would have went after video boy's parents. Who raises their kid to be like that? Was dad even in the picture? Did mom drink all day? Was she passed out, face down with a mouthful of shag carpet by time junior got home from school?
Click to expand...

He sounds more like the kind whose dad is in the picture, but it's a dad like Brock Turner's, and with a mom whose husband probably never gave her a chance to teach him how to be human, if she was inclined that way.
 
Struvk a blow for the War on Xmas. Or for the War ON the War on Xmas, something.
Passed somdone at the Post Office entry. He said 'Merry Xmas,' i said 'Happy Holidays,' and he jumped my shit.
Told him there's like 13 religious holidays between Thanksgiving and, what, 6 Jan? and i wished him well for all of them.
He said Xmas is the only one that mattered.
"Ah, so then you won't mind if i tell you to fuck off today."Man, you'd think i kicked his puppy.
 
There's signs all over the building, offering 'Thanks to our essential workers.' I mean, all over. Every bulletin board, a few spare walls.
Walking past one, out of the corner of my eye i thought it said "thanks to our essential wankers."
Well, i thought, that's silly. Looked again. Nope. It says Wankers. Someone very carefully matched the font, sizes, etc. Nicely done. Have to give credit at least for teh effort required.

Mentioned this to a coworker. He ran out to the hall, came back, "It does not say Wanker!"
"I never said it was the one closest to us.

Now it's a game of 20 questions. "Is it the one by the West Gate?"
"No."
"Admiral's Gate?"
"No."
"Gate One?"
"I never go by Gate One. No."
"The on by the head?"
"Which head?"
"Oh, um, the one outside of where software people work?"
"SO, instead of asking if it's on the Software department bulletin board, you're asking if it's on the bulletin board near the restroom that's near the Software department's bulletin board?"
"You said 'Which head?' not 'Which bulletin board?'"

Well, he's got me there....
 
SovietBike.jpgHere's a Hand made Soviet era Russian bike.
This thing is too cool!!
 
Keith&Co. said:
There's signs all over the building, offering 'Thanks to our essential workers.' I mean, all over. Every bulletin board, a few spare walls.
Walking past one, out of the corner of my eye i thought it said "thanks to our essential wankers."
Well, i thought, that's silly. Looked again. Nope. It says Wankers. Someone very carefully matched the font, sizes, etc. Nicely done. Have to give credit at least for teh effort required.

Mentioned this to a coworker. He ran out to the hall, came back, "It does not say Wanker!"
"I never said it was the one closest to us.

Now it's a game of 20 questions. "Is it the one by the West Gate?"
"No."
"Admiral's Gate?"
"No."
"Gate One?"
"I never go by Gate One. No."
"The on by the head?"
"Which head?"
"Oh, um, the one outside of where software people work?"
"SO, instead of asking if it's on the Software department bulletin board, you're asking if it's on the bulletin board near the restroom that's near the Software department's bulletin board?"
"You said 'Which head?' not 'Which bulletin board?'"

Well, he's got me there....
Click to expand...

You could add your own poster, thanking the non-essential workers.
 
Wiploc said:
Keith&Co. said:
There's signs all over the building, offering 'Thanks to our essential workers.' I mean, all over. Every bulletin board, a few spare walls.
Walking past one, out of the corner of my eye i thought it said "thanks to our essential wankers."
Well, i thought, that's silly. Looked again. Nope. It says Wankers. Someone very carefully matched the font, sizes, etc. Nicely done. Have to give credit at least for teh effort required.

Mentioned this to a coworker. He ran out to the hall, came back, "It does not say Wanker!"
"I never said it was the one closest to us.

Now it's a game of 20 questions. "Is it the one by the West Gate?"
"No."
"Admiral's Gate?"
"No."
"Gate One?"
"I never go by Gate One. No."
"The on by the head?"
"Which head?"
"Oh, um, the one outside of where software people work?"
"SO, instead of asking if it's on the Software department bulletin board, you're asking if it's on the bulletin board near the restroom that's near the Software department's bulletin board?"
"You said 'Which head?' not 'Which bulletin board?'"

Well, he's got me there....
Click to expand...

You could add your own poster, thanking the non-essential workers.
Click to expand...
For what? Not taking parking spaces?
 
I have my coworkers convincedi got last-minute desperate and got my wife a nose hair trimmer for her birthday next week.
Dead silence at the announcement.
"Het, it's a Sharper Image trimmer! Got like twenty settings and a light!"
More silence.
Then they started telling the dupervisor which of my projects they volunteered to take over after the holidays, until i get out of the cast...
"You heard me say Sharper Image, right? She keeps saying there are cool things in that catalog."
 
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