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A man comes home and finds his wife packing a suitcase. He says, "What's up with this?"
The wife says, "I'm leaving for New York. I read in Cosmo that hookers get $500 for doing what I do for you, for free."
The husband throws a suitcase on the bed and he starts packing.
The wife says, "And where the hell are you going?"
He says, "New York. I want to see how you plan to live on $1000 a year."
 
A few oldies about our next state.

An American couple are driving across Canada. They stop at a gas station and the wife says, "Honey, find out where we are."
The husband goes into the station and asks the cashier, "Can you tell me the name of this place?"
The cashier says, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
He goes back to the car and the wife says, "So, where are we?"
The husband says, "They don't speak English here."

A seal pup limps into a bar and heaves itself onto a stool.
The bartender says, "What'll it be, youngster?"
The pup says, "Anything but Canadian Club."
 
A doctor, a nurse, and an anti-vaxxer sit down at a bar. The barkeep says, "What can I bring you?"
The doctor says, "I'll have a shot of Glenlivet."
The nurse says, "I'll have a shot of vodka."
The anti-vaxxer swallows rapidly, rolls his eyes up into his head, and falls off the stool, dead from ebola.
 
Gus and Joe have been friends for 70 years and don't have any secrets. One day Gus says, "So I've been taking this Viagra pill."
Joe says, "And?"
Gus says, "Joe, you won't believe it. If you take these pills, you'll be making love to Evelyn every night of the week."
Joe says, "So, it's like a sedative?"
 
Why was Han Solo upset when he finally got inside Princess Leia?
Because it was Luke warm.


Did he do the right thing when he demanded that she explain herself?
Not really -- he had to finish Han Solo.
 
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How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops of dead baby and some root beer.
 
A man boards an airplane headed cross country from Miami to California. He gets comfortable, hoping the seat beside him remains empty. Instead, a drop dead gorgeous woman sits beside him.

Once the flight gets going, he strikes up the courage to speak to her.

“Hi, how are you doing,” he asks. “What’s your name?” She replies with a smile and says, “Hello. I’m Veronica.” “Where are you headed,” he responds. “LA. I’m part of a group that meets up every year for a week long sex convention.”

Interested, the man sits up a little straighter. “Oh… what do you do there?” “Well, for a week straight we have amazing sex with whoever we want, however we want, and for as long as we can.”

“Wow. Well that sounds fun. Let me ask you a question, if you could have any type of man, what sort of guy do you like?”

“I like Native Americans. They’re strong and can go all day and all night.”

“Say there aren’t any Native Americans, what sort would be your second choice,” he asks.

“I like Jewish men,” she replies. “Interesting, why’s that?” “Well, they know how to spoil a woman. They like to spend money on me and buy expensive jewelry for me.”

Pressing, he asks again, “Let’s say you’re down to your third choice. What sort of man would you choose?” “I like rednecks. They’re passionate and lots of fun.”

She then asks him a question. “I’ve been talking about myself and I don’t even know your name.”

“Oh,” he replies, “I’m Tonto Goldstein, but you can call me Bubba.”
 
(This one works much much better if told aloud.)

My cousin's mom is anti-abortion.
I know that's a harsh nickname, but she's had five of the damned things.
 
A policeman was patrolling a neighbourhood when he noticed an old lady dragging two full bin bags down the street. He also noticed money was falling out of one bag and blowing across the road. He picked it up and approached the elderly woman, seeing that the first bag was stuffed with cash .“Ma’am, that’s an awful lot of money to be carrying around in a bin bag, do you mind if I ask where you got it?”Well officer" she replied "I live beside the 8th hole of a golf course, and although I have a privacy fence in my garden, those bloody golfers are constantly pissing in garden. You see, there’s a knot hole in the fence and those inconsiderate louts put their dicks through the hole and pee! so every time I see a Willy sticking through, I grab my hedge clippers, clamp down on their Willy and tell them it’s gonna cost you £50 if you want to keep it.“Oh, I see,” said the officer.“That explains the money, but what’s in the other bag?” “Not everyone pays,” said the old lady.
 
I think that the new James Bond should be a woman.
Just think how great it would like. Great cars, big accidents, massive expolsions. All that while just parking the Aston Martin.
 
Tigers! said:
I think that the new James Bond should be a woman.
Just think how great it would like. Great cars, big accidents, massive expolsions. All that while just parking the Aston Martin.
Click to expand...
I assume in your version she's blonde?
 
ZiprHead said:
Tigers! said:
I think that the new James Bond should be a woman.
Just think how great it would like. Great cars, big accidents, massive expolsions. All that while just parking the Aston Martin.
Click to expand...
I assume in your version she's blonde?
Click to expand...
What in my posting history would lead you to that erroneous conclusion?

Oh wait. I know, I know.
I made a joke about women therefore she must be blonde.
 
Last edited:
Tigers! said:
ZiprHead said:
Tigers! said:
I think that the new James Bond should be a woman.
Just think how great it would like. Great cars, big accidents, massive expolsions. All that while just parking the Aston Martin.
Click to expand...
I assume in your version she's blonde?
Click to expand...
What in my posting history would lead you to that erroneous conclusion?

Oh wait. I know, I know.
I made a joke about women therefore she must be blonde.
Click to expand...
You made a humourous stereotype about women drivers. ZiprHead added to that an associated stereotype about blondes.
It's quite simple really, no posting history required.
 
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