ideologyhunter
Contributor
The Cram Session - a one-scene play
Characters: POTUS, Leavitt, Miller, steward
props: world map, wooden pointer, generic office set, sandwich tray
Leavitt: This is your last chance to study for the Montreal Cognitive. Pay attention.
POTUS: But I aced that! I took it ten times! The doctors all said they'd never seen such a score.
Miller: And who signs their paychecks? Pay attention!
Leavitt (picks up pointer, points to Greenland) Name it.
POTUS: Iceland.
Leavitt: That is GREENLAND!! (points to Iceland) Name it.
POTUS: Greenland.
Leavitt: That is ICELAND, jackass!
POTUS: But you just said --
Miller (claps him vigorously on both ears) Pay attention!!
POTUS: Son of a bitch!! That's where they shot me, you stupid fuck!
Miller (calming a bit) We'll go a bit slower, Mr. President. But my grandmother could do this, and her brains are oatmeal.
Leavitt (points to Greenland) Name it.
POTUS: Greenland -- no, wait. You think you can trick me. It's Iceland.
Leavitt: Fuck! It is GREENLAND!! (points to Greenland again) Now, name it.
POTUS: It'ssssss....it'sssss.....it's Greeeenland?
Leavitt: Yes! Keep going!! (points to Greenland yet again) Name it.
POTUS: Iceland.
Leavitt and Miller: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!!
POTUS: But why would you keep pointing to the same --
Leavitt: Because you're a goddamn dumbbell!
White House steward (enters with tray) Your one a.m. Big Mac, sir.
POTUS: Fries?
Steward: Extra large fries. (POTUS grabs tray, begins to eat with great fervor. Steward exits.)
Miller: Food is for closers, Mr. President. Put that Big Mac down. (POTUS continues to eat, with loud nom noises) I... SAID...PUT....THAT....BIG...MAC....DOWN.
Leavitt: Okay, shut up, Miller. When he's on his feed, you can't do a goddamn thing with him. We'll try again in an hour.
Miller: And what if the doctors blab? What then?
Leavitt: I'll spin it. You know I can spin it. Or we'll just fire them. Or -- your people can handle them.
(Miller and Leavitt exit. POTUS remains at the table, and lights go out until just one spotlight is on him. He begins on the fries, first holding the biggest fry above his head and grinning, then sucking it into his mouth. Light fades as he empties packet after packet of fancy tomato catsup onto the fries. Hail to the Chief begins to play. CURTAIN.)
Characters: POTUS, Leavitt, Miller, steward
props: world map, wooden pointer, generic office set, sandwich tray
Leavitt: This is your last chance to study for the Montreal Cognitive. Pay attention.
POTUS: But I aced that! I took it ten times! The doctors all said they'd never seen such a score.
Miller: And who signs their paychecks? Pay attention!
Leavitt (picks up pointer, points to Greenland) Name it.
POTUS: Iceland.
Leavitt: That is GREENLAND!! (points to Iceland) Name it.
POTUS: Greenland.
Leavitt: That is ICELAND, jackass!
POTUS: But you just said --
Miller (claps him vigorously on both ears) Pay attention!!
POTUS: Son of a bitch!! That's where they shot me, you stupid fuck!
Miller (calming a bit) We'll go a bit slower, Mr. President. But my grandmother could do this, and her brains are oatmeal.
Leavitt (points to Greenland) Name it.
POTUS: Greenland -- no, wait. You think you can trick me. It's Iceland.
Leavitt: Fuck! It is GREENLAND!! (points to Greenland again) Now, name it.
POTUS: It'ssssss....it'sssss.....it's Greeeenland?
Leavitt: Yes! Keep going!! (points to Greenland yet again) Name it.
POTUS: Iceland.
Leavitt and Miller: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!!
POTUS: But why would you keep pointing to the same --
Leavitt: Because you're a goddamn dumbbell!
White House steward (enters with tray) Your one a.m. Big Mac, sir.
POTUS: Fries?
Steward: Extra large fries. (POTUS grabs tray, begins to eat with great fervor. Steward exits.)
Miller: Food is for closers, Mr. President. Put that Big Mac down. (POTUS continues to eat, with loud nom noises) I... SAID...PUT....THAT....BIG...MAC....DOWN.
Leavitt: Okay, shut up, Miller. When he's on his feed, you can't do a goddamn thing with him. We'll try again in an hour.
Miller: And what if the doctors blab? What then?
Leavitt: I'll spin it. You know I can spin it. Or we'll just fire them. Or -- your people can handle them.
(Miller and Leavitt exit. POTUS remains at the table, and lights go out until just one spotlight is on him. He begins on the fries, first holding the biggest fry above his head and grinning, then sucking it into his mouth. Light fades as he empties packet after packet of fancy tomato catsup onto the fries. Hail to the Chief begins to play. CURTAIN.)