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Joke gallery

A 95 year old man and his 94 year old wife go to a divorce lawyer. The lawyer says, "First, when did you get married?"
The man says, "I was 19 and too dumb to know any better."
The lawyer says, "So, you've been married for 75 years? When did things go bad?"
The man says, "Maybe three years in. By then I really hated this ugly witch and wished she'd drop dead."
The wife says, "Not even three years for me. When you're married to an ignorant, inconsiderate jackass, you know it pretty quick. He's always been trouble."
The lawyer says, "So why in the world did you wait 70 years to get a divorce?"
The man says, "We were waiting for the kids to die."
A couple wants to have sex but they live in a tiny apartment with their 7-year-old son. So they give him a popsicle and tell him to sit out on the balcony and pretend he's doing the news.
They get busy, and their son starts talking: "A bus just went by...There's a cop writing a ticket...Mark has a new skateboard...Looks like the Steins have company...a lady with a cane is crossing the street...Mr. Jensen's makin' babies with his wife..."
The couple sit up in bed and the wife calls, "How do you know that, honey?"
The kid says, "Because Tony Jensen's eatin' a popsicle on the balcony."
Two gay guys plan a bank robbery. One is sitting in the getaway car, but he's getting super nervous, because it's taking too long. Ten minutes go by. Suddenly he sees his buddy backing slowly out of the bank, dragging the safe out with a rope. He heaves the safe into the trunk. Just then the guard comes running out of the bank without any pants. He yells, "Stop!" as they speed away. The driver turns to his buddy and says, "You idiot!!! Tie up the guard and blow the safe!!"
A man goes inside after talking with his neighbor. He tells his wife, "Ed just told me some hot gossip. Get this: the UPS man is now bragging that he's slept with all the wives on this street except one."
She waves her hand and says, "Well, it's gotta be that snobby bitch Mrs. Taylor."
One month into the marriage, the wife says, "We've got to get some things straight, dear. You need to give up golf, just donate your clubs somewhere. Same for fishing, I want you to be at home. And you need to seriously lay off the beer."
He says, "You're starting to sound like my ex-wife."
She says, "You said you were never married before!"
He says, "I wasn't."
A police officer is driving down the highway when he sees a car pulled over on the shoulder. She pulls behind the vehicle, gets out and walks around to the front of the car to see a man just looking at a pig.
The officer asks "Everything okay, sir"?
The man replies "Officer, I'm worried about this pig, It is just the side of the highway and it could get hit".
The officer says "Why don't you take to the zoo - it is just down the road a bit. They can find its farm or a home for it".
The man agrees, gets the pig into his car and goes down the road.

The next day, the officer is traveling down the same stretch when she sees the same man driving towards her with the pig in his front seat. She puts on her lights and siren, pulls a u-turn and runs him down. When she gets to the his window, he rolls it down and asks "What's the problem officer?

She replies "Didn't I tell you to take that pig to the zoo?"
"Oh yes, officer. We had so much fun, we're going to the races today!"
A cop spots a car with its dome light on, parked in a make-out spot. He gets out and walks over. Inside, there's a young man doing a crossword puzzle and a young woman doing a cat's cradle with a yarn ball. He taps on the window, gets them to lower it, and asks the man, "How old are you?"
"I'm twenty-one," the man says.
The cops says, "And you, miss?"
She looks at her watch and says, "In fifteen minutes, I'll be 18."
A man in a locker room answers a cell phone and puts it on speaker as he dresses. All the other guys can't help but listen.
A woman's voice says, "Honey, I'm at the store looking at that coat again. And it's still $10,000..."
He says, "Well, if it makes you happy, honey, I want you to have it."
She says, "You dear!! I also meant to tell you, the Lexus we were looking at came down in price. I called the dealer and we could get it for 70 grand."
He says, "I know you want that car, so you tell them we'll take it, but we want all the accessories."
She says, "You're a babe!! And since you're in a good mood, that house we toured last month? The realtor told me we could get it for 2.5 million. Be honest -- what do you think, honey?"
He says, "I want you to have that house. You call the realtor as soon as we hang up. And you have a lovely afternoon."
She hangs up. All the guys are looking at him.
He says, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
What do you call a cow with no legs?
- Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
- Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
- Your mom.
My best friend’s wife is a born again Christian. She doesn’t like me. Says I’m a bad influence. The other day she called me up. “You are so awful, do you know what my husband called me today?”

“Did he call you a bitch?”

“No! He didn’t use the B word.”

“Oh no,” I replied, “Did he call you a cunt?”

“No! It wasn’t that.”
“Well,” I said, “Then he didn’t hear it from me!”
Why did Courtney fall out of the tree?
-She had no arms or legs.
Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Anyone but Courtney.

What did the homeless child get for Christmas?

(Just trying to confirm what all the believers think about us nonbelievers.)
(This one straddles the line between groan and giggle. I giggled.)

A heart surgeon likes to unwind at a local wine bar. He always gets a walnut daiquiri. One night he flags the server over and points to his drink. "This tastes funny. Is this my walnut daiquiri?" The server says, "No. I thought you wanted a hickory daiquiri, doc."
There's a convention in town, and one of the conventioneers goes looking for a whorehouse. He finds one and asks the madam, "Is this place union?" She says, "No, my girls don't need any union, sir." He says, "Well, I only patronize union whorehouses," and he storms off. He repeats this scene at several other places, and finally he gets to the last bang shack in town.
He asks the madam, "Is this place union?"
She says, "You bet it is. This is the only unionized cathouse in town."
He takes out a wad of twenties and says, "All right, I'd like your youngest, perkiest, most luscious girl."
She says, "I'm sure you would, sir, but Cora's been with me for 37 years, and she has seniority."
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