Joke gallery

[SLD]

I heard that Sylvester Stallone was on his third marriage. . . . I guess his first one was rocky. . . . And his second one was rocky too.

 

[Tigers!]

A representative from a brewery called a workers wife to inform her that her husband had drowned in a vat of beer.
"Did he go quickly?" she asked.
"Not exactly." Was the reply. "He climbed out twice to go to the restroom."

I heard that joke with the punchline that he fought off 3 men who tried to get him out.

Zipr is American.
You are Australian.
Get it?
Tom

Thanks for the explanation.

 

[Tigers!]

You cannot believe a thing an atom tells you.

They make things up.

 

[bilby]

You cannot believe a thing an atom tells you.

They make things up.

It's "They make up everything"

 

[ZiprHead]

A man was injured while playing peek-a-boo.

He's currently in the ICU.

 

[ideologyhunter]

A representative from a brewery called a workers wife to inform her that her husband had drowned in a vat of beer.
"Did he go quickly?" she asked.
"Not exactly." Was the reply. "He climbed out twice to go to the restroom."

I heard that joke with the punchline that he fought off 3 men who tried to get him out.

I've always heard it as an Irish joke, with the dead man's friend giving the bad news to the wife. "And did he suffer much, or was it quick?"
"Oh, it was hours, I'm afraid. He climbed out twice to have a pee."

 

[ideologyhunter]

Letter d is letter a with a stiffy.

 

[SLD]

A woman arrived at a party & while scanning the guests she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen." "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

 

[SLD]

Disgusted God Puts Giant  Overturned Glass Atop   Humanity

THE HEAVENS—Moments after spotting hordes of the minuscule creatures skittering across the face of the earth, the Lord, Our Holy Father, reportedly became disgusted Thursday and placed a giant overturned glass atop humanity. Heavenly sources confirmed the Almighty cursed in surprise when He...

theonion.com

 

[Tigers!]

What do you call a nun who sleeps walks?

A Roman catholic

 

[bilby]

What do you call a nun who sleeps walks?

A Roman catholic

* Roamin'

 

[SLD]

The man who invented lozenges died last week. There was no coffin at his funeral.

 

[ideologyhunter]

New from Mattel: Divorcee Barbie. She comes with all of Ken's accessories.

 

[Tigers!]

I am going to watch quiet tennis.

Just like real tennis except for the racquet

 

[SLD]

I used to be a narcissist. But now look at me!

 

[Tigers!]

Who was King Arthur's best spy?

Spoiler

"Sir Veillance"

 

[unapologetic]

To hide my identity online, I used to use the alias "Sir Reptitious"

 

[Politesse]

Why did the cowboy accuse the pirate of cheating at cards?

He was standing on the deck...

 

[SLD]

I dreamed my spirit rose out of the toilet bowl . . .

It was an out of potty experience.

 

[WAB]

I dreamed my spirit rose out of the toilet bowl . . .

It was an out of potty experience.