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Joke gallery

I was playing Scrabble with some friends last night. We were all enjoying it immensely, but it ended up in a mass brawl over a missing tile. Yes, it's all fun and games until somebody loses an "i".
 
Two nuns were riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. One nun says to the other, "do you often come this way?"
"No, it must be the cobblestones." Says the other.
 
Three lawyers are walking down the street. The first is carrying some luggage. He's taking his case to court.The second is carrying a ladder. He's taking his case to a higher court.The third is dressed in nothing but his boxers. He lost his suit.
 
jar-too-tight.jpg
 
When I first laid eyes on that Winnie the pooh, I thought to myself: Gee, a cartoon character named after shit!
 
A male charity collector knocked on a woman's front door and asked her if she had any old beer bottles.
She was highly indignant.
" Do I look as if I drink beer ?" she snapped.
The collector looked at her and said, "Okay, have you got any vinegar bottles?"
 
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. 9 weeks passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’

‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. ‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer ?
 
A woman met a preacher in the street and asked him, "does your church welcome all denominations?"
"Why yes" he replied, " but we prefer tens and fifties."
 
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves

- - - Updated - - -

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

- - - Updated - - -

I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.

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If you don't know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
 
A girl gave birth and told one of her ex-boyfriends that he was the father.
He was not convinced. "You were seeing plenty of men behind my back. How do I know this baby is mine.?"
"He's got your characteristics," she said.
"Huh!" he scoffed. " like what?"
"Well, he was premature."
 
bilby said:
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves

- - - Updated - - -

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

- - - Updated - - -

I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.

- - - Updated - - -

If you don't know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
Click to expand...

Perhaps Richard Stubbs is a member here. I just heard the first 3 of these on the radio.

Or is this proof that radio presenters just rehash each others' ideas. Did you get these off Auntie in QLD?
 
spikepipsqueak said:
bilby said:
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves

- - - Updated - - -

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

- - - Updated - - -

I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.

- - - Updated - - -

If you don't know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
Click to expand...

Perhaps Richard Stubbs is a member here. I just heard the first 3 of these on the radio.

Or is this proof that radio presenters just rehash each others' ideas. Did you get these off Auntie in QLD?
Click to expand...

They were all on the shortlist for 'best joke' at this year's Edinburgh festival.

The phone joke was the winner.

Hans down. ;)
 
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
 
It's been suggested recently in California that labs should stop using rats in their experiments, and start using lawyers. There were three good reasons given for this practice:

The first is that are more lawyers than rats
The second is that there was some risk that the scientists might become emotionally attached to the rats. Using lawyers would remove that risk
And third, of course, is that there are some things that rats won't do...


I sped along in my open-topped car
My girlfriend Ruth, beside me
I hit a bump at 65
And drove on, Ruthlessly

The night was dark and stormy
The billy goat was blind
He backed into a barbed wire fence
And scratched his never-you-mind
 
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