Joke gallery

[Tigers!]

A nine year boy is missing after applying body cream that takes 10 years off your age.

 

[bilby]

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

 

[bilby]

I've just realized that tofu is over-rated.

It's just a curd to me.

 

[angelo]

Those Harry Potter movies are so unrealistic. Honestly, a ginger kid with two mates!

 

[bilby]

WHO concerned that increasing obesity in Kuala Lumpur may be symptomatic of wider Malays.

 

[Tigers!]

2 silkworms had a race. They ended in a tie.

 

[bilby]

I went to a Norwegian restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials.
He said: 'We've got fried whale meat, roast whale meat, or broiled whale meat... Or we've got the Vera Lynn.'
I said 'What's the Vera Lynn?'

Show

'Whale meat again.'

 

[jonatha]

I went to a Norwegian restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials.
He said: 'We've got fried whale meat, roast whale meat, or broiled whale meat... Or we've got the Vera Lynn.'
I said 'What's the Vera Lynn?'

Show

'Whale meat again.'

I guess if Wikipedia had existed long before a number of violent conflicts might have been avoided.

 

[bilby]

I went to a Norwegian restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials.
He said: 'We've got fried whale meat, roast whale meat, or broiled whale meat... Or we've got the Vera Lynn.'
I said 'What's the Vera Lynn?'

Show

'Whale meat again.'

I guess if Wikipedia had existed long before a number of violent conflicts might have been avoided.

Seriously?

There are people in the English speaking world who haven't heard of Vera Lynn??

Fuck, I must be even older than I think.

As Roger Waters put it:

Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn?
Remember how she said that
We would meet again
Some sunny day?
Vera, Vera
What has become of you
Does anybody else in here
Feel the way I do?

Please don't tell me you need Wikipedia to tell you who Roger Waters is.

 

[jonatha]

Seriously?

There are people in the English speaking world who haven't heard of Vera Lynn??

Fuck, I must be even older than I think.

As Roger Waters put it:

Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn?
Remember how she said that
We would meet again
Some sunny day?
Vera, Vera
What has become of you
Does anybody else in here
Feel the way I do?

Please don't tell me you need Wikipedia to tell you who Roger Waters is.

Is he Pink?

(Ever hear of Stringbean Akeman?)

 

[bilby]

Seriously?

There are people in the English speaking world who haven't heard of Vera Lynn??

Fuck, I must be even older than I think.

As Roger Waters put it:

Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn?
Remember how she said that
We would meet again
Some sunny day?
Vera, Vera
What has become of you
Does anybody else in here
Feel the way I do?

Please don't tell me you need Wikipedia to tell you who Roger Waters is.

Is he Pink?

No, this is Pink:

(Ever hear of Stringbean Akeman?)

From Grand Ole Opry?

No. Never heard of him

 

[bilby]

What do we want?

More maturity!

When do we want it?

Ha ha, you just said "tit"!

 

[angelo]

Why didn't the Irish mid tell his mother that he had been sucking a tube of super glue?

Because his lips were sealed.

 

[angelo]

What happened when two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident?
They were worried about the four casts.

 

[Tigers!]

Farmer Norm went to see his friend Bert.
When he reached the house he asked Bert's wife where Bert was.
In the shed she said.
When Norm got to the shed he found Bert prancing around his tractor with rose petals scattered on the ground.
"What are you doing Bert?" asked Norm incredulously.
"My wife has been distant to me lately" replied Bert.
"The marriage counselor said I should do something to a tractor"

 

[bilby]

That Matt Damon gets paid $15 million dollars per movie, to play a secret agent with amnesia.

The guy doesn't even know he's Bourne...

 

[bilby]

I was once involved in a secret genetic modification project; We were splicing crocodilian genes into a homing pigeon.

I expect it will come back to bite me one day...

 

[Tigers!]

I was once involved in a secret genetic modification project; We were splicing crocodilian genes into a homing pigeon.

I expect it will come back to bite me one day...

That joke has no teeth.

- - - Updated - - -

For Christmas 2016 I got my mother-in-law a cemetery plot.
Last Christmas I got her nothing.
When she asked why I said you hadn't used your previous gift.

 

[angelo]

I've always had this fantasy of making love to two women. Like in the same year!

 

[steve_bank]

How to keep Trump occupied, see next post.