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Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.
His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.

And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...

And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.

And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.

Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.

The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.

The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.

The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said.

"Sam sung Note 7."

 
Okay, so there were these two guys, Sam and Frank. They'd been childhood friends and as young adults they settled down in their same home town and bought houses directly across the street from each other. Then, in a magical coincidence both of their wives gave birth to sons on the same day. In honor of the occasion Sam named his son Sam Frank and Frank named his son Frank Sam. The two kids were inseparable and did everything together. Unfortunately they were crossing the street together one fine morning when BANG! They were both hit by a city bus. And for the first time in all their lives they were separated. Frank Sam went to heaven but Sam Frank went the other direction.

So one glorious morning in heaven St. Peter noticed that Frank Sam was sitting on a curb looking glum.

"It's Sam Frank. I miss him. I'd give anything to see him just one more time."

St. Peter thought about it for a minute. "Well, there's always the Harp Pass."

"Harp Pass? What's that?"

"We give you a Heavenly Harp which you take with you. You journey to Hell for a visit but remember to retain possession of your Harp at all times. There are 2 important conditions. You have to be back by midnight and you have to present your Harp to get back in. It will give you a chance to visit your friend.

"That's great, can I do it today?"

"Sure thing. Let's get you on your way. It's good to see you smiling again."

So they gave Frank Sam a Harp Pass and sent him on his way. When he arrived in Hell he looked everywhere but couldn't find Sam Frank. Finally he was about to give up and once again he was sitting on a curb looking glum.

This time ol' Beelzebub himself shows up and says, "Hey, I know it's Hell and all but why the long face?"

Frank Sam explains about his predicament. "I can't find Sam Frank. I've looked everywhere."

Beelzebub, in an uncharacteristic moment of helpfulness says, "I know who you're talking about. That guy showed up a few weeks ago and has opened up a disco down on Mephisto Lane. Head that direction and turn left after 3 blocks and you can't miss it."

So Frank Sam follows the directions and soon arrives at the disco. And inside he quickly locates Sam Frank. The two have a great time until suddenly Frank Sam realizes it's almost midnight and he has to head back. He quickly finds his way back to the elevator and arrives at the Pearly Gates with only seconds to spare.

St Peter looks at him with furrowed brow. "Where's your harp?"

Frank Sam quickly searches his pockets and feels around his shirt. "Oh no..."


I Left My Harp In Sam Frank's Disco!

 
Old Yosef was sitting on a downtown park bench looking glum. A stranger sitting nearby asked, "What's the matter?"

Yosef regarded him for a moment and said, "You're not from around here. You don't know who I am, do you?"

"No, I can't say I do."

"Well, you see those buildings over there along that road? I designed every one of them and supervised their construction from start to finish. But do the people of this town herald me as Yosef the Architect? No.

"For decades the people of this village were at war with the people in the next community down the road. But I managed to negotiate a lasting peace between the two factions that has withstood the test of time. Do the people of these towns call me Yosef the Diplomat? No.


"But fuck just one little goat..."

 
What's brown and sticky?


A stick.



******

Did you hear the one about the letter that didn't have a stamp?

Never mind. You wouldn't get it.

********


Here's something unusual about me. I never memorized the whole alphabet.

I really don't know why.

*******
 
I have a complex multiple-personality disorder.

Some days I think I'm a temptress in a Bizet opera, other days I'm convinced I am the head of the Luftwaffe during the Second World War.

I honestly don't know whether I'm Carmen or Göring.
 
I was talking to my shrink the other day about recurring dreams I keep having.

Some nights I dream I'm a tepee. Other nights I dream I'm a wigwam.

"Your problem," he replied, "is obvious. You're two tents."
 
There are people who can't remember the difference between entomology and etymology.

That bugs me in ways I can't even put into words.
 
A man and his wife went to the check in desk of a budget airline.
" Do you have reservations?" asked the check in clerk.
" Of course we have reservations," said the man. "But we're flying with you anyway."
 
THE BEAR HUNTER

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear hunting. The first morning out, Bill goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sites and fires. He then looks all around, but he can't find the bear.

All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and Bill stands there shaking in his boots.

The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives Bill an ultimatum. The bear tells him that he can either drop to his knees and blow him, or the bear will eat his face.

Bill immediately drops to his knees and obliges the bear. The bear walks away contented and Bill find his way back to the cabin.

The next morning, Bill takes an even bigger gun with him and goes to the same place he saw the bear before. And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. Bill gets all excited, gets the bear in his sites and shoots! He looks all around, but there is no bear. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder again. He turns around, and, surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at him, knocks the gun out of his hand, and says,''You know the routine.''

Bill drops to his knees and obliges the bear again. When he's done, the bear walks away smoking a cigarette and Bill stumbles back to his cabin.

Bill is all pissed off now. He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field again. He gets the bear in his sites, and says to himself, ''Now this bear's gonna fuckin' get it!'' He pulls the trigger and, "Ka-BOOM!" He looks all over again, but no bear. Then, just as before, he feels the same tap at his shoulder. He turns around, there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at Bill and says, ''You're not in this for the hunting are you?'''
 
An aging scientist began desperately trying to discover a way to stop the aging process. He wanted to live forever and realized time was running out for him to discover the means to do so. He'd had some success greatly increasing the lifespans of certain breeds of dolphin and even better results experimenting with their smaller cousins, the porpoise. But it wasn't enough. The treatment brought years, not decades of improvement.

He then discovered almost by accident a gene that was reversed in certain species of seagulls. He discovered a way to transplant that gene into the porpoise DNA and it appeared that he was getting really close to the answer. Unfortunately his first bout of experiments didn't work out right and all the treated porpoises died early. After painstaking analyses he realized there were two factors that resulted in the dismal results. First of all he needed to extract the DNA fresh from seagull hatchlings. Once extracted the DNA broke down quickly and only about three days after hatching the window of opportunity for extracting the needed chromosomes would close. The second problem was logistical. The seagulls with the best DNA were native to Washington state and the most promising porpoises thrived near the coast of Maine.

So he arranged it all one evening. Harvesting the hatchlings in Washington he quickly jumped in his car and began speeding across the country, desperate to reach the other coast within 50 hours he kept going, relying on caffeine pills to keep moving.

But somewhere around Ohio he got pulled over for speeding. The officer quickly assessed the situation and soon the scientist was behind bars. Locked up for transporting young gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises.
 
A guy gets hit by a bus and suddenly finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at his list frantically and then says, "There's been a clerical error! Someone accidentally put you on the calendar to get here tomorrow, not today. I'm sorry, but we have no place for you until tomorrow!"

"So what do I do until then? Hang around in purgatory?"

"C'mon, get real," St Peter responded disdainfully. "There's no such thing. You're going to have to spend a day in Hell. But not to worry, we'll have your place ready first thing in the morning."

With more than a little trepidation the guy heads down to Hell. When he steps off the elevator the first thing he notices is that it's really hot, that much is certain. Really hot. But there's a beach nearby with scantily clad ladies running around. There's beer, wine and whiskey everywhere. And every three hours just like clockwork the whole crowd bursts into an uninhibited orgy until everyone is laying around panting. After such a day he falls asleep soundly.

He wakes up the next morning and heads back up to Heaven. St. Peter says, "Ahhh, you're back! Sorry about the mix up yesterday. We're ready for you now, please come on in."

"Before I go in, can I ask you a couple of questions?"

"Sure, fire away."

"What's it like in there?"

"It's pure bliss. After 8 hours of church every day you get to go out and relax on clouds, play your harp and sing praises."

This didn't sound all that exciting. "Are there every any parties? Is there any drinking and revelry? Are there scantily clad women running around?"

"Oh, goodness no!" Peter exclaimed. "People who behave like that are the very ones who go to the other place!"

So he thought for a minute and asked, "Would it be a great bother if I just went back to the other place?"

St. Peter graciously replied, "Of course you have that choice. But the people in the other place don't have that choice. That's one of the things that makes Heaven so great. Are you sure you want to give up that liberty?"

"Yes, I think that's more my kind of place. So long!"

And with that he turned back to the elevator and hit the "Down" button. The doors opened and two big, smelly demons rushed in and grabbed him, dragging him by his legs across hot burning coals. Then they chained him to a rock and started poking at him with pitchforks.

"Where's the beach?!?" he cried, "Where are all the scantily clad women, the orgies and the beer?"

The demons laughed uproariously. "Oh, you mean the demo version!"
 
Atheos said:
A guy software salesman gets hit by a bus and suddenly finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at his list frantically and then says, "There's been a clerical error! Someone accidentally put you on the calendar to get here tomorrow, not today. I'm sorry, but we have no place for you until tomorrow!"

"So what do I do until then? Hang around in purgatory?"

"C'mon, get real," St Peter responded disdainfully. "There's no such thing. You're going to have to spend a day in Hell. But not to worry, we'll have your place ready first thing in the morning."

With more than a little trepidation the guy heads down to Hell. When he steps off the elevator the first thing he notices is that it's really hot, that much is certain. Really hot. But there's a beach nearby with scantily clad ladies running around. There's beer, wine and whiskey everywhere. And every three hours just like clockwork the whole crowd bursts into an uninhibited orgy until everyone is laying around panting. After such a day he falls asleep soundly.

He wakes up the next morning and heads back up to Heaven. St. Peter says, "Ahhh, you're back! Sorry about the mix up yesterday. We're ready for you now, please come on in."

"Before I go in, can I ask you a couple of questions?"

"Sure, fire away."

"What's it like in there?"

"It's pure bliss. After 8 hours of church every day you get to go out and relax on clouds, play your harp and sing praises."

This didn't sound all that exciting. "Are there every any parties? Is there any drinking and revelry? Are there scantily clad women running around?"

"Oh, goodness no!" Peter exclaimed. "People who behave like that are the very ones who go to the other place!"

So he thought for a minute and asked, "Would it be a great bother if I just went back to the other place?"

St. Peter graciously replied, "Of course you have that choice. But the people in the other place don't have that choice. That's one of the things that makes Heaven so great. Are you sure you want to give up that liberty?"

"Yes, I think that's more my kind of place. So long!"

And with that he turned back to the elevator and hit the "Down" button. The doors opened and two big, smelly demons rushed in and grabbed him, dragging him by his legs across hot burning coals. Then they chained him to a rock and started poking at him with pitchforks.

"Where's the beach?!?" he cried, "Where are all the scantily clad women, the orgies and the beer?"

The demons laughed uproariously. "Oh, you mean the demo version!"
Click to expand...

FTFY.
 
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