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As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I sang from my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost….
 
ZiprHead said:
View attachment 28018
Click to expand...

/not a derail
The shape suprises me.
In Australia in my neighbourhood in the 70s we started to remove septic tanks after the city was finally sewered.
My church set up a scheme to help the older members and those who could not afford it, a tank removal working bee.
We removed at least 2 dozen and all were cylindrical.
My rellies had these done to and I cannot remember any of that shape or non-cylindrical.
Cultural or manufacturing perhaps?
 
Tigers! said:
ZiprHead said:
View attachment 28018
Click to expand...

/not a derail
The shape suprises me.
In Australia in my neighbourhood in the 70s we started to remove septic tanks after the city was finally sewered.
My church set up a scheme to help the older members and those who could not afford it, a tank removal working bee.
We removed at least 2 dozen and all were cylindrical.
My rellies had these done to and I cannot remember any of that shape or non-cylindrical.
Cultural or manufacturing perhaps?
Click to expand...

Looks like a 2-piece... never seen that either. When we built our current house I had an oversized tank (1800gal iirc) installed. It's oval and has two compartments and two access holes...
 
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Swan's season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card bill!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold"
 
An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
 
A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."
 
I sell pies out of my car. $10 dollars for a pecan pie, $8 for a key lime.

These are the pie rates of the car I be in.
 
So it was a real summer storm, a hot day with sudden wind, rain, and some hail too! But the dog really had to go out. The husband and wife argue, he says that the dog can wait, but the wife says the dog has to go, so she grabs her umbrella and the leash and takes the dog out. She barely keeps a hold of the umbrella and the dog, but the dog empties out and the wife is heading back when her umbrella suddenly inverts and water pours down her backside and into her shorts. The husband, standing at the door watching all this says upon her return . . . "well, you were determined come hail or hind water . . . . "
 
I am so glad the kids are back at school.
It took me a while to get on top of their maths.
I think I got 3/4 right but the other .66666 had me stumped.
 
Old Goat Quiz - Great mental exercise for the over- 60 crowd.
With which of the following names are you familiar?
1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You had trouble with #5, didn't you?
You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?
 
angelo said:
Old Goat Quiz - Great mental exercise for the over- 60 crowd.
With which of the following names are you familiar?
1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You had trouble with #5, didn't you?
You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?
Click to expand...

Because he's referred to as "The Pope" much more than he's referred to by name.
 
Loren Pechtel said:
angelo said:
Old Goat Quiz - Great mental exercise for the over- 60 crowd.
With which of the following names are you familiar?
1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You had trouble with #5, didn't you?
You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?
Click to expand...

Because he's referred to as "The Pope" much more than he's referred to by name.
Click to expand...

If you don't know the Pope, then you don't know ALL the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters.

The Pope is certainly the first, and may well be one or more of the rest of these things.
 
That reminds me of this classic.

Paddy was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery. He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whisky was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

He turned towards the priest and asked, “Father, what causes arthritis?”

“Well my son,” looking down his nose at the inebriated Paddy. “It's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well I'll be damned!” Paddy muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, “I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
 
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