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Joke gallery

bilby said:
athee said:
The bank keeps calling me to give me compliments. They say I have an "outstanding balance."
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The Australian Taxation Office wrote me a nice letter, telling me that my 2022 Tax Return was outstanding.

I feel particularly proud, as I don't even recall sending it in.
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Sorry Bilby that was me what did it.
 
True story: I was feeling under the weather and wine to the doctor yesterday. He couldn’t find anything wrong so he gave me a steroid shot yesterday. Told me it might keep me up. Sure enough I woke up about 3:30 am. I quickly figured out all the worlds problems and their solutions. Unfortunately I didn’t write them down. Went back to sleep and forgot the solutions. . . . Sorry world.
 
The local religious organisations had a possum plague.
They asked each other how they dealt with it.

Catholic: Each possum was baptised and we only see them at Easter and Christmas
Baptist: Each possum was fully immersed, told to sit in the pew and givre generously. But we still can't get rid of them.
Methodist: We are all God's creatures and give them free run of the grounds. They brought all their wombat friends.
Anglican: We asked them to acknowledge the supremacy of the Archbishop of Canterbury and we only see them at Easter and Christmas.
Jewish: We circumcised the first one and have seen no others.
 
When my son's mother and I drove our only son to college, we became instant empty-nesters. But man oh man, what a long drive home that was. Oh my god, all the wailing and crying. It just wouldn't stop!

It finally got so bad she had to drive.
 
Three nuns are killed in a car accident. When they arrive at the gates of heaven, St. Peter greets them and tells them they each have to answer a question before he will admit them. He says to the first nun, "Who was the first man?" She smiles and says, "Oh that's easy, Adam." The trumpets blare and the heavenly choir sings, the gates open, and she is admitted. St. Peter then asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman?" "Oh that's easy, Eve." The trumpets blare and the heavenly choir sings, the gates open, and she is admitted. St. Peter then asks of the third nun, "And what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" She pauses, scratches her head, pauses again, and replies, "Hmmmmm, that's a hard one." ....And the trumpets blare and the heavenly choir sings, the gates open, and she is admitted.
 
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he discovered he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

I'm not a big Chuck Norris joke fan, but this was so silly, I couldn't stop laughing.
 
athee said:
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he discovered he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

I'm not a big Chuck Norris joke fan, but this was so silly, I couldn't stop laughing.
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I don’t get it. Chuck should have left voicemail, or text if voicemail was unavailable in Alex’s area code.
 
Elixir said:
athee said:
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he discovered he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

I'm not a big Chuck Norris joke fan, but this was so silly, I couldn't stop laughing.
Click to expand...

I don’t get it. Chuck should have left voicemail, or text if voicemail was unavailable in Alex’s area code.
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Chuck can't text.

His thumbs always crack the screen...
 
An ancient joke:

A husband had to travel away from his wife and a messenger asked her if she wanted to send him a note. She replied: “How can I write when my husband has taken his pen away with him and left my inkwell dry.”
 
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