Joke gallery

[ideologyhunter]

Bless their little hearts. And fuck their feelings.

 

[Wiploc]

Luke cut open a tuantaun and climbed inside to stay warm until he could be rescued.
The tuantuan's internal temperature and Luke's temperature thus became the same, Luke warm.

Pedantic mode - it was Han who cut open the Tauntaun with Luke's light sabre, as Luke was unconscious

and you noticed the misspelling of tauntaun too. (chuckle)

No, sorry, Luke was inside the tauntaun, so from there it looked like tuantuan.

 

[Elixir]

No, sorry, Luke was inside the tauntaun, so from there it looked like tuantuan.

No worries - he was just tuanting you.

 

[bilby]

I just learned that Steffi Graff has a sister called Polly.

I'm not lying.

 

[Tigers!]

Congrats to Noah for getting 2 of each animal onto the ark in a day.

Took me 3 hours to get my cat to the vet.

 

[SLD]

My friend says he is a compulsive liar. . . . I don’t believe him.

 

[Tigers!]

I was bored last week so I relabelled the wife's spice rack. She has'd noticed yet.

Her thyme is cummin.

 

[Tigers!]

My father is a chemist, my mother is a maths teacher.
My nickname is 'iron59'
What is my real name?

Felix

 

[unapologetic]

Certain libertarians (totally not Trump supporter) might find such a joke offensive.

It's suposed to be.

 

[unapologetic]

All I bought was the lazer sight.
If a burgler breaks into my house I'll put a red dot on his chest ... and let the cat do the rest.

 

[SLD]

I accidentally drank some Holy Water with my laxative.

I'm about to start a religious movement.

 

[hurtinbuckaroo]

I accidentally drank some Holy Water with my laxative.

I'm about to start a religious movement.

Or maybe exorcize a demon.

 

[ideologyhunter]

What happened when Jesus Christ went to Mount Olive?
Popeye kicked the living shit outta him.

 

[Wiploc]

What does the H stand for in Jesus H Christ?
Haploid

 

[SLD]

Little Johnny Joke:

Little Johnny farts inside the classroom, and his teacher makes him sit outside the classroom as punishment.

The principal walks by and he sees little Johnny sitting outside with a big grin on his face and laughing.

"Why are you sitting outside the classroom laughing, Johnny?" the principal asks.

"The Teacher made me sit outside because I farted in the classroom," replied Johnny.

The principal responds, "OK, but why are you laughing?"

"Because," says Johnny, "They're inside smelling my fart, while I'm outside enjoying the fresh air!"

 

[ideologyhunter]

Unfortunately, Little Johnny died from the effects of cirrhosis and advanced syphilis. He was 12 at the time. RIP.
(Which also means that we got the last laugh on his chubby little ass.)

 

[Tigers!]

The cemetery has raised the price on maintenance of my wife's and I grave spot (not used yet).
They blame it on the cost of living.

 

[SLD]

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who was the better cyclist.

 

[ZiprHead]

If Shania Twain married Desmond Tutu, their kids could be Tutu-Twains.