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Joke gallery

 
 
 
A rabbit was running happily through the forest, and comes across a giraffe rolling a joint. “Giraffe, why do you treat yourself so? It is a glorious day! Put down the drugs and come running with me! You’ll feel so much better.” The giraffe thinks for a moment, puts down the joint and goes running through the forest with the rabbit.

Soon the pair come upon an elephant cutting coke and getting ready for a snort. “Elephant, wait! Do not snort that! It is such a fantastically great day, come run through the forest with us! You will be so glad you did!” The elephant pauses, looks at the rabbit and giraffe, and puts down the coke. The three go running through the forest.

A few minutes later, the three of them come across a lion heating up heroin on a spoon, about to shoot up. "Lion, my friend, why do you do this?" the rabbit asks. "Think of your health! Come run with us through the beautiful forest!" The lion puts down his needle, walks over, and mauls the rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and ask, "Lion, why did you do that? He was just trying to help you!" The lion sighs and says, "That little bastard... Every time he takes ecstasy, he makes us run around the forest like ◊◊◊◊◊◊◊ idiots!”
 
A stoner finds a magic bottle on the beach. Out comes a genie who says, "What are your three wishes?"
The stoner says, "I just wanna smoke a joint with ya."
The genie snaps his fingers and two fat joints appear. They both smoke 'em down.
The genie says, "Time for wish number two."
The stoner says, "Let's smoke another joint." Snap! They smoke two more joints.
The genie says, "And for your third wish?"
The stoner says, "Let's smoke another joint."
The genie says, "But this is your very last wish."
The stoner says, "I know. Let's smoke another one."
The genie says, "Well, okay." He conjures up two more joints, they smoke 'em, and the genie vanishes into the bottle.
The stoner stands there for a long minute, looking at nothing in particular, thinking nothing in particular.
The genie comes out of the bottle and says, "Awwwright. What's your fourth wish?"
 
Instead of a condom, I keep a moist towelette in my wallet. The odds of me finding a delicious chicken wing are far greater than my chances of getting laid.
 
Trump dies and is being given a tour of heaven by St Peter to show him what he will miss. As they are walking along a corridor, Trump sees lots and lots of clocks.
He asks “What’s with all the clocks?”
St Peter replies “Everyone has one. Every time they tell a lie, the hand moves.”

As they get further along the corridor, Trump notices a clock where the hands haven’t moved.
Pointing to it, he asks “Is that one broken?”
St Peter answers “No, that’s Mother Teresa’s. That lady could not tell a lie. She’s a saint here.”

A little later in the tour, Trump sees a clock that’s moved only 2 minutes. He asks “Whose clock is that?” St Peter responds “Abraham Lincoln, also known as Honest Abe”.

Trump asks “Where’s my clock? It must he huge given how great I was. I wanna see it.”

St Peter says “It’s in God’s office.”

Trump is ecstatic: “That’s great. God knows how wonderful I am”.

St Peter says “Um, no. God uses it as a ceiling fan”.
 
A travelling salesman's car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door. A farmer answers and says, "What can I do for ya?"
The salesman looks past the farmer into the house and says, "Um, don't you have any daughters?"
The farmer says, "Nah. I'm gay, I got a hot boyfriend, and we don't want no kids."
The salesman says, "Oh, Jesus, I'm in the wrong joke."
 
A guy on the night shift gets sent home early. When he gets to his bedroom, he sees his best friend Brent in bed with his wife. He shakes his head and says, "Brent -- you? Seriously?? Oh, Brent, Brent, Brent...I mean, I have to...but you??"
 
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