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Joke gallery

A young man said to his friend. " I got a right goer back to my place last night. "
" Yeah?" said his friend.
"Yes she took one look at me naked and said"
I'm going!
 
So, these two old ladies escape the supervision of their retirement home every so often and go grab a smoke somewhere off the grounds.
One day, they're out there, puffing away, when it starts to rain. Gladys whips out a little plastic cover for her cigarette. She cuts the end off of a tube and rolls it over her cigarette and keeps on puffing away.
Muriel is amazed. "What is that? A cigarette rain cover? That's ingenious. I've never seen such a thing?"
"It's called a condom," Gladys explains. "You can get them at any drug store."

A few days later, Muriel is downtown on some errands and makes her way to a drugstore. She asks the young woman at the counter for a condom. The pharmacists up in the pharmacy hear this and stand up to peer over the top of the pharmacy wall, looking down to see this tiny, wizened, 83 year old woman standing at the counter. They're confused.
The clerk was taking it in stride, though. "Certainly, ma'am. How many do you want?"
Muriel isn't sure if you can reuse them, so she says, "Well, I go through about a pack a week." One of the pharmacists had to sit down, his mind reeling with the images flowing through it.
The clerk nodded. "Alright, what size would you like?"
"Oh, I don't really care," Muriel replies. "It just needs to fit over a Camel."
There was a thud as the other pharmacist fainted.
 
That reminds me of this one............ The deaf mute wanted to buy a packed of condoms, so walks into a chemist and walks up to a counter maned by a male. He places a ten dollar note on the counter and whips out his penis next to it. The assistant looks at it, whips out his bigger penis, picks up the tenner and walks away.
 
Apologies to the men!

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Not exactly a joke, but a comment I heard today WRT the Kentucky Court Clerk case: "Church ain't over til all the snakes are back in the bag!"

I need to find the approriate venue to really use that!

SLD
 
A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "do you serve women in this bar?"
"No you have to bring your own." said the barkeep.
 
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"
 
it's fun to ride a Harley
it's fun to ride a crotch rocket
but it's more fun to own a Ducati
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But it's not fun to do a desmodromic valve adjustment. And it's even less fun to pay someone else to do it for you. But this is a joke thread, so...

Q: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

A: On a Hoover the dirt bag is on the inside.
 
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
 
A bank robber walked over to one of hostages and said. "Did you see my face?
" Yes," said the hostage. And the robber shot him dead.
Then he turned to the next man and asked: "Did you see my face?"
"No" he said. " But I think my wife did."
 
I used to date a midget. I was nuts over her.

You know you're getting old when your dreams are dry and your farts are wet.
 
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