Joke gallery

[Atheos]

I used to reply, "No worries, I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

 

[hyzer]

How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult?

Idioms can be really hard to comprehend to the non-native English speakers. I worked with a woman who grew up in the USSR. She constantly got these mixed up:

When some one was joking with her she would say "You are really pushing my leg".

And then that person would laugh and say, "you mean "pulling my leg"" to which she would reply "you are pulling your luck now!"

 

[Tigers!]

I've been reading a book about making a happy marriage.

In it they say to treat your wife like you used to do on the 1st date.

Splendid idea.
After tea I will take my wife back to her parent's place.

 

[Tigers!]

It was raining heavily.
In the tree what did the female owl say to the male?

Show

To wet to woo

 

[Tigers!]

Q: What sounds like a sneeze but is made of leather?

Show

A shoe

 

[Tigers!]

When daylight savings comes into Britain how do they reset Stonehenge?

 

[gmbteach]

The NBN!

 

[Politesse]

When daylight savings comes into Britain how do they reset Stonehenge?

They don't, because Stonehenge is a more accurate solar clock than the modern calendar to begin with.

 

[Keith&Co.]

When daylight savings comes into Britain how do they reset Stonehenge?

Having witnessed the quartermaster setting the Zulu-time clocks to Daylight Savings more than three times, i cannot say this is a stupid question.
I mean, it _is_, but i have seen some shite, and can no longer respond from the position that the necessary knowledge is to be expected.

 

[ZiprHead]

Just left Walmart where a lady with a basket full of TP asked me what kind of dog I had. I said a service dog. Very rudely she yells what type of service? I said he is a BLD. What's a BLD? She asked as she is allowing my dog to lick her face. With a straight face I said "He is my butt licking dog ( BLD ). I can't find any toilet paper anywhere because of people like you hoarding the TP so he licks my ass clean... The cashier lost it and walked away from the register.

 

[ruby sparks]

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading towards his Limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret agent, new on the job, shouts, 'Mickey Mouse!'

This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and says, 'what made you shout Mickey Mouse?'

Blushing, the agent replies....

Show

'I got nervous. I meant to Shout Donald Duck!'.

 

[George S]

The three stages of aging:
Tri-weekly
Try weekly
Try weakly

 

[Tigers!]

Cheesy Dad jokes

Q: What is the best cheese to get a bear out of a tree?

Show

Come-on-bear

Q: What cheese can hide a horse?

Show

Mask-a-pony

 

[Loren Pechtel]

Why are locomotive such sluts?

Show

Because they're always pulling trains

 

[Keith&Co.]

Why are locomotive such sluts?

Show

Because they're always pulling trains

I thought it was because they were linking up all over the country.

 

[Atheos]

... or maybe because "everyone can take a ride."

 

[Elixir]

... or maybe because "everyone can take a ride."

Something about a caboose ... never mind.

 

[WAB]

Why are locomotive such sluts?

Show

Because they're always pulling trains

Because they're steamy and fast?

 

[ZiprHead]

Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Show

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

 

[Tigers!]

Putin send a condolence letter to the family of Sir Sean Connery upon his recent dying.

It was signed "From Russia with love".