Things that make you laugh...

[gmbteach]

A few nights ago, my wife reports that she was restless, i was sound asleep, snoring. She farted.
I stopped snoring.
"OMG," she thought. "I've finally farted bad enough to wake up the sub sailor."
But no. I rolled towards her, said "Nice tone," in the manner of a gratified coach, then rolled back and went back to snoring.

I don't recall that.
I do remember last night, though.

She was asleep, rolled onto her side and farted. It was a long and loud one, with an even, sharp sound, like someone turning on an electric carving knife. Elegant, the sound was even and continuous all the way through. No bursts, rises or tapering off. It started then it stopped. Truly a professional effort.

"Good one!" i said. "Yes," she said, pumping a fist in the air. Then she went back to snoring.
She does not remember that today.

 

[Keith&Co.]

The USS Rhode Island

Oh 08 October, 2000, on my last deterrent patrol, someone was passing around a list of reasons that woking at McDonalds was better than making patrols (for example: "If the deep fat fryer catches on fire, you LEAVE." On the submarine, the entire crew was part of the firefighting team.) This inspired me to come up with the following list:
Reasons that Patrols on the Rhode Island are better than cruises on Star Trek's USS Enterprise.

1. The Enterprise lost an average of one crewman a week.
2. On average, two personnel die during every security violation on the Enterprise.
3. When our computers work improperly, they stop. They do not become a threat to all life on board.
4. In 18 patrols, the Rhode Island had never been eaten by anything classified as biologics on the sensors.
5. Kirk's XO is smarter than a laptop. Imagine his qualification interviews.
6. Picard's third in command IS a laptop. See #5.
7. On the Rhode Island, the quartermaster's navigation errors do not lead to inadvertant time travel.
8. Food Replicators, Food Processors, Food Packs; on the Enterprise, meals are the responsibility of Engineering.
9. Stealthy as they may be, Russian vessels never actually turn invisible.
10. On the Rhode Island liberty ports can be enjoyed without worrying about the Prime Directive.
11. Life forms detected by the Rhode Island sensors are distractions, never a threat to all life on board.
12. Our ship's probes do not come back. They especially do not come back reprogrammed by alien machine civilizations to become a threat to all life on Earth.
13. On the Rhode Island, Alien means a movie to see after watch, not something that has a good chance of sucking our brains out with a straw.
14. On the Enterprise, if the department head can't do it, it can't be done.
15. On the Enterprise, some of the department heads are telepathic. See #5.
16. Shuttlecraft, Transporters, Runabouts: on the Rhode Island, no one has ever been killed for leaving the ship during an ion storm.
17. Nothing in the Access Hatch will scramble your molecules.
18. On the Rhode Island, they do not let engineering play with anti-matter.
19. On the Rhode Island, insane crewmen do not pilot the ship beyond the explored boundaries of human knowledge (They have, however, been known to lock themselves in the Officer's head).
20. Every single officer in Starfleet is an Academy Graduate. Usually the submarine's wardroom has no more than 3 Academy graduates.
21. None of the recreation facilities on the Rhode Island can become smart enough to become a threat to all life onboard.
22. In the Navy, your ID card is sufficient to verify your identity. No one has to use quantum physics to check your identity.
23. The Rhode Island seldom draws the attention of omniscient and omnipotent beings with time on their hands.
24. The Enterprise's deployment cycle is 5 years.
25. On the Rhode Island, nothing spilled in the storeroom has ever compromised reactor containment, threatening all life onboard.
26. On the Rhode Island, problems with identity usually come from typographical errors on the access lists. Not even the TRE Team is actually in the wrong universe.
27. On the Enterprise, the helm is smarter than the helmsmen, while on the Rhode Island...Um, wait...oh, never mind.
28. Our CO has never, ever, contacted, confronted, contradicted and then pissed off an actual GOD (of past or present worship) creating a threat to all life onboard.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

The USS Rhode Island

Oh 08 October, 2000, on my last deterrent patrol, someone was passing around a list of reasons that woking at McDonalds was better than making patrols (for example: "If the deep fat fryer catches on fire, you LEAVE." On the submarine, the entire crew was part of the firefighting team.) This inspired me to come up with the following list:
Reasons that Patrols on the Rhode Island are better than cruises on Star Trek's USS Enterprise.

1. The Enterprise lost an average of one crewman a week.
2. On average, two personnel die during every security violation on the Enterprise.
3. When our computers work improperly, they stop. They do not become a threat to all life on board.
4. In 18 patrols, the Rhode Island had never been eaten by anything classified as biologics on the sensors.
5. Kirk's XO is smarter than a laptop. Imagine his qualification interviews.
6. Picard's third in command IS a laptop. See #5.
7. On the Rhode Island, the quartermaster's navigation errors do not lead to inadvertant time travel.
8. Food Replicators, Food Processors, Food Packs; on the Enterprise, meals are the responsibility of Engineering.
9. Stealthy as they may be, Russian vessels never actually turn invisible.
10. On the Rhode Island liberty ports can be enjoyed without worrying about the Prime Directive.
11. Life forms detected by the Rhode Island sensors are distractions, never a threat to all life on board.
12. Our ship's probes do not come back. They especially do not come back reprogrammed by alien machine civilizations to become a threat to all life on Earth.
13. On the Rhode Island, Alien means a movie to see after watch, not something that has a good chance of sucking our brains out with a straw.
14. On the Enterprise, if the department head can't do it, it can't be done.
15. On the Enterprise, some of the department heads are telepathic. See #5.
16. Shuttlecraft, Transporters, Runabouts: on the Rhode Island, no one has ever been killed for leaving the ship during an ion storm.
17. Nothing in the Access Hatch will scramble your molecules.
18. On the Rhode Island, they do not let engineering play with anti-matter.
19. On the Rhode Island, insane crewmen do not pilot the ship beyond the explored boundaries of human knowledge (They have, however, been known to lock themselves in the Officer's head).
20. Every single officer in Starfleet is an Academy Graduate. Usually the submarine's wardroom has no more than 3 Academy graduates.
21. None of the recreation facilities on the Rhode Island can become smart enough to become a threat to all life onboard.
22. In the Navy, your ID card is sufficient to verify your identity. No one has to use quantum physics to check your identity.
23. The Rhode Island seldom draws the attention of omniscient and omnipotent beings with time on their hands.
24. The Enterprise's deployment cycle is 5 years.
25. On the Rhode Island, nothing spilled in the storeroom has ever compromised reactor containment, threatening all life onboard.
26. On the Rhode Island, problems with identity usually come from typographical errors on the access lists. Not even the TRE Team is actually in the wrong universe.
27. On the Enterprise, the helm is smarter than the helmsmen, while on the Rhode Island...Um, wait...oh, never mind.
28. Our CO has never, ever, contacted, confronted, contradicted and then pissed off an actual GOD (of past or present worship) creating a threat to all life onboard.

How about 29) The Rhode Island can actually destroy the enemy.

 

[Keith&Co.]

How about 29) The Rhode Island can actually destroy the enemy.

What?
The Enterprises have blown a lot of people to Hell.
Just, carefully, not in the same episode where a Starfleet Officer has made a 'we come in peace' speech.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

How about 29) The Rhode Island can actually destroy the enemy.

What?
The Enterprises have blown a lot of people to Hell.
Just, carefully, not in the same episode where a Starfleet Officer has made a 'we come in peace' speech.

The Enterprise can deal with most enemy ships. The Rhode Island could make Russia into a has-been.

 

[Underseer]

http://okcupiduser.tumblr.com/post/65953948074/i-try-a-different-tactic

 

[GenesisNemesis]

I saw the most bizarre Cheerios commercial. All you need to know is that a cartoon bird vomited a bowl of cheerios to its chicks in a nest. The thing I found hilarious is that they thought this was a good way to advertise the product.

Hopefully I'm not breaking the "no images or videos" rule.

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, it's pretty much a snow day here. People are home because roads are closed, or their kids' schools are closed, or their car can't make it out of the driveway...
So it's a bit more relaxed. A couple of feminists have been trash talking the sailors, both present and absent, and trying to decide which ones have oppressed womyn in foreign ports.

One looked at me and said, "Well, we know Keith has never paid for it.

"Factually," I had to admit, "I can no longer honestly say 'i never paid for sex.' I just wasn't aware of it at the time."

My roommate dated a stripper. She shared an apartment with a fellow stripper. The girl Mike dated was very territorial. She didn't want him so much as looking at her roommate.
But every so often, they'd be between stripping jobs and hard up for cash. So Misty would wink at her roommate, then ask Mike: "Hey, is your roommate still a virgin?"
"Yeah..."
"Would he like to lose his virginity to the two of us? You think he'd pay for that?"
"I'll go ask him!" Mike would say, then scramble back to our place.
"Keith!"
"What?"
"Can i borrow $50?"
"Sure."
Then he'd scramble back to the girls and sleep with the two of them as a transaction, not a date, so Misty would let him touch Cyndi.

So now, one of my coworkers has decided that since _I_ never got prostitute sex, i'm okay.
The other took it worse. I not only rewarded two women who turned to exploiting themselves, i contributed to the general social view of women as sex objects.

Apparently i'm a real scum bag. A virgin until i met my wife, and monogamous since Christmas 1984, but a card-carrying member of the Oppressorship....

 

[Keith&Co.]

I'm thinking about the mental abilities in this news article:

Fourteen employees of a Framingham, Massachusetts, pharmacy were indicted in December for defrauding the federal government by filling bogus prescriptions (despite an owner's explicit instructions to staff that the fake customers' names "must resemble real names," with "no obviously false names" that might tip off law enforcement). Among the names later found on the customer list of the New England Compounding Center were: Baby Jesus, Hugh Jass, L.L. Bean, Filet O'Fish, Freddie Mac, Fannie Mae, Harry Potter, Coco Puff, Mary Lamb, all of the Baldwin brother actors, and a grouping of Bud Weiser, Richard Coors, Raymond Rollingrock and, of course, Samuel Adams.

Clearly, there was no follow up on the owner's instructions.

But this just makes me imagine that the owner caught the Filet O'Fish prescription and fired that idiot.
I can see that guy taking the company to court for wrongful termination and blurting the whole scheme to anyone who'd listen. "I don't know what the problem was! My grandfather's name was Filet! I guess my boss is just racist against Irishmen!"

 

[Keith&Co.]

So i was at the Science Fair for my wife's school, entering the judge's tallies to determine the winners.
At one point i passed a couple of students discussing Planet of the Apes.
"What would you do if you woke up on a world where the dominant life form was apes?" one asked.
"Well, this morning," I said, "I hit snooze twice, then drove in to work."

They stared at me.

Oh, come ON! They're in the Science Academy! THey're supposed to be the smart ones!
One of the Science teachers tried to calm me down when i got back to the judges' room. "Oh, those two! It's not so bad. Their projects are Engineering, not Bio."
"So, what, the fact that humans are apes is a Biology class SECRET?"
My wife (English dept.) told me not to antagonize the Science teachers, that's who she eats lunch with...

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, i entered the judges' scores at the high school science fair. There were a few sheets that had me confused.

On some projects, there was paperwork missing, or fewer than the required number of samples, or not all the areas that were supposed to be on the presentation board were there.... And the overall scores suffered. There were a few, though, where those same deliquent scientists were given perfect scores on presentation and knowledge of their topic.

I commented to one of the science teachers and learned there was a reason for these nonintuitive results.

If my kids were still of an age to participate, i might suggest a science fair experiment to see if there's a correlation between male judges' scores and the perkiness of the teenager's tits. The Flirt Effect. "How Many Projects Would Qualify For District Again If The Presenter Wore A Burka?"

 

[Keith&Co.]

The 'expensive placebos' thread in science reminds me of Seaman Lewis.

When i made submarine patrols, there were certain trends i saw time after time after time.
But when you tell a first-time submariner what's going to happen, they don't believe you.

One patrol, before we started, i was on the mess decks fiddling around with tarot cards. I was pretty good at spinning a tale with them and that was my act at the cub Scouts Halloween Party. Of course, i took out the cards of death, the devil and naked people.

I was practicing my schtick when one of the cranks (a guy serving his mess decks duty similar to the KP duty that Beetle Bailey keeps getting). asked for his fortune.
I asked a few questions as i shuffled.

He'd been in the navy about 19 weeks. Boot camp, sub school and now the Carver.
His girlfriend was his high school sweetheart. He gave all his message forms to her, ones that allowed family to essentially send an email to the boat through the Navy's radio systems.

I spread the cards.
"Okay, this says that you're going to get depressed because your girlfriend isn't going to send you cards for a long time."
"Oh, no, no, she's going to send me one every other week!"
"Okay. But the card says you're going to get upset at the delay. You're also going to be upset when she finally sends the stupidest family-gram message anyone's ever seen. But it'll be okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay. See, when you tell your friends that you're not getting fgrams, they're going to tease you that she's run off with a biker, or a football player or a Marine. But stay firm, because she's waiting for you, she still loves you, but time passes differently out in the real world and she just kept forgetting to send you anything."

Sure enough, he got bupkes for about half of the patrol. The other guys in seaman gang teased him unmercifully. But every time he saw me, he said the cards were keeping him strong.

At the same time, we had a new guy in our division. I had told him pretty much the exact same thing, but witout tarot cards. It was 'I have made ten patrols and i know what i'm talking about.' The same things were happening to Losabia with his wife, but he didn't feel quite as strongly about my 'authority figure' assertions.

Lewis got, quite literally, the dumbest goddamned family gram i have ever seen. It was all about how many Grammy's Michael Jackson won that year. Even seaman gang stopped teasing him for a week or so after that.

At least Losabia's wife said 'i love you' in both of the two familygrams she managed to send.

Wife and girlfriend were among the family waiting for us when the plane landed, and all was well, and Losabia finally started believing i knew what i was talking about. Lewis forever thought i was Merlin....

Of course, his ACTUAL fortune was 'You will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger,' which i was not about to tell a sailor in the days before DADT. Not until his fourth patrol, maybe...

 

[Loren Pechtel]

If my kids were still of an age to participate, i might suggest a science fair experiment to see if there's a correlation between male judges' scores and the perkiness of the teenager's tits. The Flirt Effect. "How Many Projects Would Qualify For District Again If The Presenter Wore A Burka?"

Perkiness? At that age they're all perky. Size and exposure is what they should be considering.

 

[Keith&Co.]

So we're waiting for a meeting to start and someone starts up with Hitler.
If you had a time machine and it could take you to Hitler's crib when he was six months old, would you kill him? Knowing how much death and destruction you could stop, could you NOT kill him?

A guy across from me says no, he's read too many SciFi stories where killing Hitler opened the way for someone even worse.

A woman next to me says she couldn't kill a baby, it's just not in her to do so.

I said no, i wouldn't, because i'd look stupid at the trial. I mean, what would my defense be for such a heinous act? "He'd have grown up to be HITLER!" Then the judge would have looked across the courtroom at Hitler's father, Alois Hitler, Sr., and said, "Um, jah, dat is true. So vhat?"

 

[Keith&Co.]

If my kids were still of an age to participate, i might suggest a science fair experiment to see if there's a correlation between male judges' scores and the perkiness of the teenager's tits. The Flirt Effect. "How Many Projects Would Qualify For District Again If The Presenter Wore A Burka?"

Perkiness? At that age they're all perky. Size and exposure is what they should be considering.

I would have thought that apparent perkiness was quite clearly implied. They're still perky if they're under the burka, just not apparent. That's the whole point of the burka.

 

[James Brown]

I work in a bookstore.

A woman came in yesterday and asked if we sell church bulletins.

I laughed, but not in front of her, naturally.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

Perkiness? At that age they're all perky. Size and exposure is what they should be considering.

I would have thought that apparent perkiness was quite clearly implied. They're still perky if they're under the burka, just not apparent. That's the whole point of the burka.

I think the amount revealed will be of more importance than the apparent perkiness.

 

[repoman]

Meant for Images

 

[gmbteach]

I was teaching a science lesson yesterday on the Particle Model of Solids, Liquids and Gas. One student asked what an Arsehole was. I asked her to spell the word and she spelled A E R O S O L. Close, but not quite. Sad thing is, these were 13 year olds.

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, after a late-evening training exercise, my LPO was giving a bunch of sailors a ride home in his car. One guy was dumb enough to mention that his fiance was in town, staying at his house.

We hadn't known he was engaged. So, we figure he deserved a little punishment for keeping secrets from his shipmates.
We talked about holding himdown and putting hickeys all over his body. Like we'd done to another individual right before he went home on leave, after mentioning that his Marine father was convinced all sub sailors were fags.
We talked about kidnapping him, or her, until it was time for her to go back to her college.
A few other threats were thought up. He had the poor strategy of threatening retribution upon us, which made teasing him that much more fun.
So we pull up at his place, the door opens and his girlfriend is on the porch, waving, thinking she was going to be introduced to some of his friends.

Heh. "Friends."

He fights his way out of the car and starts running across the grass, ordering her to go back inside. She looks confused and a little hurt. JUST as he gets to her and grabs her arm, we all shout 'G'night, Sweet Cheeks!' and drive off.

Three day weekend, he shows up Monday, and all he'd say for about an hour was 'You motherfuckers.'

She'd asked, of course, how he got the name 'Sweet Cheeks.' He said it wasn't his nickname, just something the guys came up with as a joke.
She didn't see the humor in it, so she didn't believe it was a joke.

All weekend long, she kept asking for him to explain 'SC.' He kept saying there WAS no explanation.
"Don't you trust me?" she'd ask.
"You know i won't tease you if it bothers you, i just want to understand."
"Was there another woman involved?"

Finally, to convince her there was nothing going on, no secret being kept from her, he called our LPO. "Would you explain to her that....?" Geake just laughed and laughed and laughed... Which didn't help matters at ALL.

Neither did the chief's offer to call her and explain "Well, your fiance works with a bunch of fuckknuckles." We all thought that was a nice gesture on the chief's part, never understood why he wouldn't give him her number....