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Things that make you laugh...

The VP in charge of our business unit presented our new mission statement; It contains a lot of words, but as far as I can tell, it boils down to "To infinity, and beyond!".

The whole thing has been carefully crafted to contain absolutely nothing whatsoever. But it is important for us all to take it to heart and use it to inspire our daily work. :rolleyesa:
 
My uncle and aunt like to visit historical recreation venues. If the house was built before Melville discovered the run-on sentence, they'll pay money to walk through it.

A lot of vintage stuff is kinda sensitive, so they're used to signs saying 'Please do not touch the ' curtains, upholstery, tapestry, maid, etc.
One house they went through had big signs by every window: Warning: Wash hands IMMEDIATELY after touching curtains!

After the tour, they asked the tour guide about those signs. Was there some form of fabric preservative involved? Was it dangerous?
"Oh, no," he assured them. "We just got tired of people ignoring the 'please don't touch' signs. These work way better."
 
At my grandmother's memorial service, i recalled my most striking memory of her. The day she was almost wrong.

I'd gone on leave before tranferring to Scotland, so i visited my mom in Atlanta and the rest of my family in Idaho.
Mom had been looking at time shares and she as a little upset at how often people misused 'unique.' Something can't be slightly unique, so there's no real way to say 'very unique.' It is or it isn't.

When i got to Grandma and Grandpa's, one of the first things they asked was 'how's your mother?'
I said, "She's a little ticked because i came up with an adverb for 'unique.' " And i kept walking towards the bathroom.

Now, Grandma had been an English teacher for longer than i'd been alive. And Grandma was never, ever wrong.

Ever.

So after i dropped that little bon mot, i noticed the skies got a little darker.
The air stilled, the house settled, and grandpa's footsteps as he withdrew from the line of fire were a soft shuffle across the linoleum.
I turned and saw Grandma in a classic pose. i wasn't aware that grandma had ever seen a samurai movie. but there she was, lacking only a katana, ready to leap into battle and cut my head off.
"Well," she said. "We're waiting." I don't know who 'we' was because grandpa was out in the kitchen headed for the back door, and picking up speed.
But i faced her fully and said, "Presently."
Her head whipsawed back and forth for a second. Then, because Grandma Was Never Wrong, she took it and owned it.
"Ah," she said. "Well, when you think of it THAT way, then several come to mind."

By 'several,' she meant three. Because three is what she came up with right then and there. At dinner, she told me four more.
At breakfast, she had a final seven.

And even when she was deep in Alzheimer's, just before her death, she's sometimes look at me suspiciously and say "to our knowledge," or "locally."

Of course, by that time, she'd also look at me suspiciously and say 'buck toothed elephant,' so, take the rest with a grain of salt.

But that was grandma.
 
And speaking of that grandpa....

My cousin, Shari, joined the family about 12 years after i did.
There was one famous fight over her. Grandpa insisted she had a nose that came from his side of the family. Her father, Frank, insisted that she was clearly sporting a nose from HIS side of the family. They argued for half an hour.
Tired of this shit, her mother stormed into the room thinking to shut them up. "Did you idiots both forget that Shari is ADOPTED?"
They did shut up.
At least long enough to go outside and continue the fight, away from the crazypants woman....
 
My wife's students keep using their cellphones in class despite her room policies against them.
One said, "Well, how are we supposed to go for an hour without answreing texts?"

Wife put tape around her phone and had two students write their initials on the tape. Thus sealed, she put the phone in her safe, intending not to use it for 48 hours.

"But what if your husband texts you?" they asked, shocked.

"My husband doesn't own a cell phone," she said.

They were and remain, absolutely stunned at this revelation. Like finding out that Columbus didn't use GPS...
 
Keith&Co. said:
My wife's students keep using their cellphones in class despite her room policies against them.
One said, "Well, how are we supposed to go for an hour without answreing texts?"

Wife put tape around her phone and had two students write their initials on the tape. Thus sealed, she put the phone in her safe, intending not to use it for 48 hours.

"But what if your husband texts you?" they asked, shocked.

"My husband doesn't own a cell phone," she said.

They were and remain, absolutely stunned at this revelation. Like finding out that Columbus didn't use GPS...
Click to expand...

Some day, you'll have to explain to me how you are able to make posts on this forum through a teletype, grandpa. And no, I will not get off your lawn.
 
Underseer said:
Some day, you'll have to explain to me how you are able to make posts on this forum through a teletype, grandpa. And no, I will not get off your lawn.
Click to expand...
First, you encode the punch tape, making holes for the Octal command and the hexidecimal content.
Then you warm up the handcrank....

My kids aren't embarrassed that i don't have a cell.
They reserve that emotion for the days i demonstrate the power of binary to allow me to count to 1023 on the fingers of two hands (their friends giggle at 4, 128 and 132....)
 
So we were playing "Cards Against Humanity" last weekend with a bunch of 50-somethings and 60-somethings, and the funniest play of the night came when one of the 60-somethings couldn't figure out what "assless chaps" were. She had assumed they were "blokes without much butt or something."
 
Just heard from my son.
He's in the deck division of a Cruiser. He's not having a warm and wonderful winter. He's spent a lot of time sweeping snow off of the weatherdecks and standing freezing watches.

He overheard a shipmate moaning about how 'NCIS did not prepare me for this."
 
Keith&Co. said:
Just heard from my son.
He's in the deck division of a Cruiser. He's not having a warm and wonderful winter. He's spent a lot of time sweeping snow off of the weatherdecks and standing freezing watches.

He overheard a shipmate moaning about how 'NCIS did not prepare me for this."
Click to expand...

That makes no sense; surely the captain of a ship at sea could arrange matters better than that. "Send to the Admiralty: ON STATION OFF ARCHANGELSK STOP GPS MALFUNCTIONING AGAIN STOP DO NOT WORRY IF SHIP APPEARS TO BE BERTHED AT RIO DE JANEIRO ENDS".

Perhaps this aptitude for unconventional problem solving is why the RAF considered me unsuitable for a commission, and the medical stuff was just a cover...
 
A group of tourists spent hours Saturday night looking for a missing woman near Iceland's Eldgja canyon, only to find her among the search party.

The group was travelling through Iceland on a tour bus and stopped near the volcanic canyon in the southern highlands Saturday afternoon, reports the Icelandic news organization mbl.is.

One of the women on the bus left to change her clothes and freshen up. When she came back, her busmates didn't recognize her.

Soon, there was word of a missing passenger. The woman didn't recognize the description of herself, and joined in the search.

About 50 people searched the terrain by vehicles and on foot. The coast guard was even readying a helicopter to help.

But the search was called off at about 3 a.m., when it became clear the missing woman was, in fact, accounted for and searching for herself.





Somebody responded to that with "That's amazing, Grace."
 
Veritass said:
So we were playing "Cards Against Humanity" last weekend with a bunch of 50-somethings and 60-somethings, and the funniest play of the night came when one of the 60-somethings couldn't figure out what "assless chaps" were. She had assumed they were "blokes without much butt or something."
Click to expand...

I got that game for my brother for his birthday. Is it any good?
 
bilby said:
That makes no sense; surely the captain of a ship at sea could arrange matters better than that. "Send to the Admiralty: ON STATION OFF ARCHANGELSK STOP GPS MALFUNCTIONING AGAIN STOP DO NOT WORRY IF SHIP APPEARS TO BE BERTHED AT RIO DE JANEIRO ENDS".
Click to expand...
Well, they're part of a task force, so telling the carrier 'AM ON STATION OFF YOUR PORT BEAM' would only work as long as no one looks to port.
Of course, knowing you, you'd probably constantly send "HEY ARE THEY FILMING THE SWIMSUIT ISSUE ON THAT SHIP TO YOUR STARBOARD?" or the like...
 
Keith&Co. said:
bilby said:
That makes no sense; surely the captain of a ship at sea could arrange matters better than that. "Send to the Admiralty: ON STATION OFF ARCHANGELSK STOP GPS MALFUNCTIONING AGAIN STOP DO NOT WORRY IF SHIP APPEARS TO BE BERTHED AT RIO DE JANEIRO ENDS".
Click to expand...
Well, they're part of a task force, so telling the carrier 'AM ON STATION OFF YOUR PORT BEAM' would only work as long as no one looks to port.
Of course, knowing you, you'd probably constantly send "HEY ARE THEY FILMING THE SWIMSUIT ISSUE ON THAT SHIP TO YOUR STARBOARD?" or the like...
Click to expand...

CAMOUFLAGE TESTING PROCEEDING AS PLANNED STOP RESULTS SO FAR VERY PROMISING STOP MORALE HIGH ENDS
 
One thing i like about this time of year is the steam. Driving to work, everyone's in their shower and the hot water runs down to the sewers and steam rises from the storm drains.
I dunno why, but it always amuses me to see this.

Well, this year, the snow plows have built up battlements of snow along the sides of the roads. They've plugged allthe storm drains and there's three to five feet of snow above them. Someone either takes lots of showers or runs their dishwasher a lot, because near the school bus stop on our street, the steam has finally melted a chimney. So there's a column of steam pouring out of the top of a bank of snow.

And a dozen school kids standing around the steam, staring at it... I just hope they don't sacrifice a 5th grader to the volcano to bring on the spring....
 
So i have a 20 sided die mold for baking.
I made red velvet cupcakes last night.
The wife came into the kitchen during the clean-up. Batter had gone everywhere...
The sink looked like a Keebler Elf Snuff Flick was filmed in it...
 
I once took a day off from work to participate in my kid's (and my wife's) school's Career Day. I signed up to speak for anyone interested in a Navy career, ended up as the only person at the Military Career table.

Some of the questions that came up:

What's better, Army or Air Force pilots?
Since they're both afraid to land a plane on an aircraft carrier I'd have to say Navy.

What do you guys do for fun on submarines? There's no GIRLS!
Movies, card games, video games, bridge tournaments, pinochle tournaments, fantasy football leagues, a weight room

Do you have to be an officer to be a sniper?
Do snipers have to go into combat?
Have you ever shot anyone?
Have you ever been shot at?

Do you know Miss &Co.?
Yes.
Are you related to Miss &Co.?
Yes, I married her.
Are you Adrian's dad? How'd that happen?
Um....ask your parents.
What's the food like?What happens if you swear at an officer?
What are the rules for women's hair in the military?
(a question I referred to my wife, who spent 11 years enlisted)
How about cornrows? (another question I referred to my wife)
Can girls have tinted hair in the military? (another question I referred to my wife)
Don't you go nuts out there?
What does it mean if you get an '8' on the ASVAB?
I hope it means you misunderstood the instructions. You get 10 points for getting your name right...
Is the Coast Guard the military?
Why did that guy on M*A*S*H wear dresses? Does that work?
Is everyone in the Air Force a pilot?
In bootcamp, do women have to shave their hair bald? Do guys?
What's your favorite submarine movie?
Anything where the number of submergings equals the number of surfacings.

Do you need to know English to be in the Marines?
Twenty years? Why would you be in the military for 20 years?
How hard is it to quit?
How deep have you gone?
The answer is classified.
Have you ever been scared?
Stone cold convinced we were about to die as water came into the people tank.

Do you know anyone like that cook on Down Periscope?
How about the weird guy?
Or the guy that farted?
 
American Airlines To Phase Out Complimentary Cabin Pressurization

FT. WORTH, TX—Explaining that the costs of the service have grown too high in recent years, American Airlines announced Tuesday that it will no longer offer free cabin pressurization to passengers starting March 15. “Unfortunately, to stay competitive as a legacy carrier in today’s air travel market, it no longer makes economic sense for us to provide breathable air at altitude,” said American Airlines CEO Doug Parker, noting that despite the cutbacks, air pressurization would still be available to first- and business-class travelers as well as those willing to pay an additional fee. “While we regret any altitude sickness, blood problems, dimmed vision, or hyperventilation that may result from air pressure less than a third normal levels, we remind our customers that such effects will diminish as soon as the aircraft descends below 10,000 feet​

Air travel used to be fun. :mad:
 
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