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Things that make you laugh...

Oh! And speaking of clever plans:
I was stationed on a submarine tender for two years, while it was anchored in Scotland. That was the worst command i was ever at. The worst of the surface Navy met the worst of the submarine Navy.
People tried everything to get out of that command.
One trick was to get married without permission from the command.

The way it worked, the male would find a female with more time left at Holy Loch than he had, and desperate to get out. They would get married and announce it to their chain of command. Married people can't serve together on the same command, a firm Navy rule. So, since the guy had less time ahead, he'd get transferred to the states.
Once he was gone, the female turned up pregnant. The command was not one that was approved for pregnant sailors to serve on, so she'd get sent back to the states.
Once there, a quickie abortion and an almost-as-quick divorce, they were scot free.

Only, don't brag about it. If it just 'happens,' it happens. They can't prove any sort of intent if you just shut the fuck up.

One fire controlman in our department had gotten a gunner's mate pregnant, announced it to the chain, then bragged in the workshop about how he'd outsmarted the command. Laughed at how predictable the Navy could be.

The chief didn't take it anywhere near as funny. So he talked to people.

The guy was transferred to Squadron. Technically, it's a different command, although it's only four decks up from where he worked before.
Still in Scotland.
And the clock for his sea-shore rotation was reset, so he had a full tour yet to look forward to.

Oh, and his wife turned out to have misread the pregancy test. She was less than fully fertile. So she was still in Scotland, married to someone she'd had to get really drunk in order to screw.

Clever, clever plan.
 
Keith&Co. said:
Oh! And speaking of clever plans:
I was stationed on a submarine tender for two years, while it was anchored in Scotland. That was the worst command i was ever at. The worst of the surface Navy met the worst of the submarine Navy.
People tried everything to get out of that command.
One trick was to get married without permission from the command.

The way it worked, the male would find a female with more time left at Holy Loch than he had, and desperate to get out. They would get married and announce it to their chain of command. Married people can't serve together on the same command, a firm Navy rule. So, since the guy had less time ahead, he'd get transferred to the states.
Once he was gone, the female turned up pregnant. The command was not one that was approved for pregnant sailors to serve on, so she'd get sent back to the states.
Once there, a quickie abortion and an almost-as-quick divorce, they were scot free.

Only, don't brag about it. If it just 'happens,' it happens. They can't prove any sort of intent if you just shut the fuck up.

One fire controlman in our department had gotten a gunner's mate pregnant, announced it to the chain, then bragged in the workshop about how he'd outsmarted the command. Laughed at how predictable the Navy could be.

The chief didn't take it anywhere near as funny. So he talked to people.

The guy was transferred to Squadron. Technically, it's a different command, although it's only four decks up from where he worked before.
Still in Scotland.
And the clock for his sea-shore rotation was reset, so he had a full tour yet to look forward to.

Oh, and his wife turned out to have misread the pregancy test. She was less than fully fertile. So she was still in Scotland, married to someone she'd had to get really drunk in order to screw.

Clever, clever plan.
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Keith - have you thought of writing a James Herriot type book of your time in the Navy? I would buy it as it would be filled with humorous stories.
 
gmbteach said:
Keith - have you thought of writing a James Herriot type book of your time in the Navy? I would buy it as it would be filled with humorous stories.
Click to expand...
It's too much like work.
And i've read a LOT of autobiographical works that are mostly disappointing. Someone told the man or the woman, "YOu have lots of funny stories, you should write a book.' And it comes out as lots of funny or not quite funny stories. A lot of 'you had to be there' ones. And not much of a theme running through it.
But then, from what i hear, the first time Herriot published, that was what came out, until a good editor wrestled the material to the ground and forced a story line onto it, like a Christmas Sweater on a Siamese cat.

Thank you, really, for the compliment, but mostly i just write size-disparity-fetich fanfiction.
 
In the political forum, i was reminded of a shipmate of mine from the Navy.
Rand Paul said:
"I tell people, if you look like me and hop down from your truck, you shouldn't be on disability."
Click to expand...

I knew a missile tech who got discharged from the Navy and stayed in the city around the base. I ran into him at a shopping center. He pulled into the handicapped parking as my wife and i were walking past it. He hopped out of his truck and said 'hi.' I introduced him to my wife and asked how he was doing.
As we were talking, a little old lady walked up and said that he shouldn't abuse the handicapped parking space if he wasn't handicapped.
Red shouted, 'Abuse?' Then he took his prosthetic leg off and beat it on the hood of his truck. "How goddamned disabled do i have to be!?!?!" he cried. Then he charged after her, hopping on one foot, waving his leg and swearing at the top of his lungs.
I watched him go and turned to my wife. "It's sad, really, how much that traffic accident quieted him down." And we went on our way.
 
Keith&Co. said:
gmbteach said:
Keith - have you thought of writing a James Herriot type book of your time in the Navy? I would buy it as it would be filled with humorous stories.
Click to expand...
It's too much like work.
And i've read a LOT of autobiographical works that are mostly disappointing. Someone told the man or the woman, "YOu have lots of funny stories, you should write a book.' And it comes out as lots of funny or not quite funny stories. A lot of 'you had to be there' ones. And not much of a theme running through it.
But then, from what i hear, the first time Herriot published, that was what came out, until a good editor wrestled the material to the ground and forced a story line onto it, like a Christmas Sweater on a Siamese cat.

Thank you, really, for the compliment, but mostly i just write size-disparity-fetich fanfiction.
Click to expand...

Then write it all down, save it in a file, and pass the file to your children.

My dad was involved with the Brotherhood Association in Korea, which in part contributed to the transformation of race policies in the military into what we know today. I've tried to get him to write it all down, but to no avail. Believe it or not, the race reforms started with a race riot in the DMZ of all places.
 
Keith&Co. said:
Now the intern's afraid to go anywhere alone. I've started calling him 'Bart,' for that Simpson's episode where Bart kept mumbling 'Can't sleep, clown'll eat me. Can't sleep, clown'll eat me.' I'm trying to figure a way to play the JAWS theme near his desk...
Click to expand...
Evidently, the intern has revealed to a coworker that he had a nightmare.
He got a little drunk at college and saw the Daryl Hannah 'Attack of the 50 foot woman' movie. And confused it with another movie, so in his dream, a 50-foot tall assassin with an eye patch chased him around the campus.
And the fool told someone about that.

Just before lunch, this morning, the guys in Fleet Support turned off all the lights and started to whistle Twisted Nerve (which Daryl whistled as she walked in to kill Uma Thurman). intern bolted
I thought i'd have to give one of the guy's oxygen before he explained what he did or how they broke the intern.
 
You know, I'm starting to feel sorry for your intern.
 
Underseer said:
Deepak Chopra quote generator:

http://www.wisdomofchopra.com/
Click to expand...

LOL. Reminds me of a time years ago when Deepak was being interviewed on the radio and callers called in to talk to him. Most were star struck fans and "gushy" towards him. However, one smart ass called in with what sounded like one of those "wisdom of chopra" type random sayings.... just pure New Age gibberish. Something like, "Do you think the inner conscienceness can be applied against the free energy of the chakra without causing an imbalance in the yin and yang?" The caller could barely get it out without laughing. Anyway, Deepak replied back in his soothing, calm Indian voice, something like "Yes, my friend, I believe that wholeheartedly. You are so wise." Freakin' hilarious. The guy is such a fraud.
 
So, my son has figured out how to 'win' at Game of Thrones.

For fifteen years, almost all i've heard from fans of the series is people complaining about how their favorite character died. To the point where it' snot even a spoiler to say 'What's his face died.'

For Xmas we bought him the first two seasons on DVD. He watched it in marathon sessions.

But he didn't pick a favorite character.
He picked the character he hated most and wanted most to see him die.

When that happened, he felt vindicated and kinda lost interest in the show. As far as i know, never watched any more after that episode (something about a molten gold facial).
 
I forgot that we had a unit meeting today so i bought lunch (cheeseburger).
An hour after i finished the cheeseburger, i was in the conference room.
The boss bought several pizzas for the unit meeting.
People scrambled for their shares. I found a chair and sat in it.
The Boss was trying to be cheerful and friendly and encourge us to relax and enjoy the meeting.
"&Co.," he said, "get some of the pizza."
"You're not the boss of me!" i snapped.
Dead silence. He just stared at me, confused about my response.
My supervisor stage whispers: "Yes, he is!"
"Oh! Yeah!" I got up and got a single small slice. "Thanx!"
He retreated behind the podium, still a little confused.

After the meeting, boss asked supervisor if i had a problem at home or something. "I didn't mean to offend him with-"
"No, he just thinks he's funny. Ignore him." .....said the woman who purposefully fed me the straight line....
 
Keith&Co. said:
I forgot that we had a unit meeting today so i bought lunch (cheeseburger).
An hour after i finished the cheeseburger, i was in the conference room.
The boss bought several pizzas for the unit meeting.
People scrambled for their shares. I found a chair and sat in it.
The Boss was trying to be cheerful and friendly and encourge us to relax and enjoy the meeting.
"&Co.," he said, "get some of the pizza."
"You're not the boss of me!" i snapped.
Dead silence. He just stared at me, confused about my response.
My supervisor stage whispers: "Yes, he is!"
"Oh! Yeah!" I got up and got a single small slice. "Thanx!"
He retreated behind the podium, still a little confused.

After the meeting, boss asked supervisor if i had a problem at home or something. "I didn't mean to offend him with-"
"No, he just thinks he's funny. Ignore him." .....said the woman who purposefully fed me the straight line....
Click to expand...

I'm an Air Force brat. I grew up on military bases.

Needless to say, you frequently remind me of a number of grownups I used to look up to. ;)
 
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It was the first day of class. Big PharMonSatan owned the entire multiverse, including the schools. The instructor slammed his books down on the desk and gazed sternly out over the sea of students. "Now let's get one thing straight right now," he said menacingly: "I'm the boss here. So, you all are going to abandon your organic naturalistic fallacy beliefs and start stuffing your gullets with my employer's toxic chemikilllzzz and GMOs, and we're going to stick you with a bunch of autism inducing vaccines in the name of the great PharMonSatan!!!! Muhhuuhhhahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!"

One student stood up and said: "Hey! Why don't you drink a bath tub full of round up and stick those nasty vaccines in your eyeballs, you big bully!!"

"What?!" The teacher exclaimed? You dare speak to your new master that way?! Sit down and eat your toxic GMOs, boy!"

Then the student ran up, and punched the teacher right the face, and followed up with chair slam to the head, and finished with a flying atomic elbow, at which time the teacher transformed into his true reptilian form, and scurried away to Bohemian grove leaving chemtrails as he went, and screaming "You haven't heard the last of Big PharMonSatan!!!"

That student's name was Albert Einstein.







via The Credible Hulk https://www.facebook.com/therealcrediblehulk
 
A few nights ago, my wife reports that she was restless, i was sound asleep, snoring. She farted.
I stopped snoring.
"OMG," she thought. "I've finally farted bad enough to wake up the sub sailor."
But no. I rolled towards her, said "Nice tone," in the manner of a gratified coach, then rolled back and went back to snoring.

I don't recall that.
I do remember last night, though.

She was asleep, rolled onto her side and farted. It was a long and loud one, with an even, sharp sound, like someone turning on an electric carving knife. Elegant, the sound was even and continuous all the way through. No bursts, rises or tapering off. It started then it stopped. Truly a professional effort.

"Good one!" i said. "Yes," she said, pumping a fist in the air. Then she went back to snoring.
She does not remember that today.
 
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