Things that make you laugh...

[Jimmy Higgins]

That isn't "luck". That is science.

And that's why you wear safety glasses kids!

In a more serious tone, holy fucking shit was that guy lucky!!!

 

[George S]

It is indeed luck if luck means a small probability harmful event almost occurred. There is a bell curve of what safety glasses can protect from. This was so close to the small probability event -- something going through the safety glasses -- that the smallest quantum change in momentum of that spinning knife would have led to eye damage. Such damage would have been certain absent the safety glasses. It is planning for the small probability events. That is merely common sense. He was lucky.

 

[Keith&Co.]

They tell us to write Navy procedures with a 'lowest common denominator' in mind. Use words that every 19 year old will understand, to make sure they don't make mistakes from not understanding the directions.

So my supervisor finds a new procedure saying information should be recorded on the nameplate "with an indelible marker." He did not know what 'indelible' meant and had to look it up. As a former missile technician, he suspects that most MTs will not know this word. Probably should be changed to 'permanent.'

Anyway, he set out to prove that this is one of those high-falutin' words that is too rarefied for the rank and file, by asking retired MTs. Unfortunately, he started with me. "Keith, do you know what 'indelible' means?"
"Means it cannot be erased."
He stared at me.... Then, "You don't count, you're smart. Hey! Tony! Do you know...?"

 

[bilby]

They tell us to write Navy procedures with a 'lowest common denominator' in mind. Use words that every 19 year old will understand, to make sure they don't make mistakes from not understanding the directions.

So my supervisor finds a new procedure saying information should be recorded on the nameplate "with an indelible marker." He did not know what 'indelible' meant and had to look it up. As a former missile technician, he suspects that most MTs will not know this word. Probably should be changed to 'permanent.'

Anyway, he set out to prove that this is one of those high-falutin' words that is too rarefied for the rank and file, by asking retired MTs. Unfortunately, he started with me. "Keith, do you know what 'indelible' means?"
"Means it cannot be erased."
He stared at me.... Then, "You don't count, you're smart. Hey! Tony! Do you know...?"

It means you were charged for it at the deli.

 

[gmbteach]

 

[Keith&Co.]

My coworker is raising a ninja. And about to disown his wife...

Houses in this town are old, and every one I know of has poor electrical wiring. Randy's house, just about everything is wired to the same circuit. Except for the Jacuzzi, pool, porch lights, those are wired around the main breaker, so they don't turn off no matter what you do at the breaker panel.

Anyway, his 3-year old daughter managed to find an electrical outlet two feet back behind the sofa and stuck a metal barrette in it.

(imagine the purple one on the right, but open, and slightly melted at the charred tips)
No one knows why she's alive, why the house didn't burn down. The breaker blew, cutting out every light in the house except for one in an upstairs bathroom and the washing machine. Everything else went dark.
Trying to reset the breaker, they unplugged everything they could think of (except the barrette, hidden in an outlet they forgot existed). Finally decided the breaker itself was faulty.
Randy went to get a replacement at Home Depot. Came back to install it. Wife was worried he'd electrocute himself. He maintained he had sufficient skill to accomplish this task. SHe suggested he find a you-tube video.
He pointed out that the wifi was down along with everything else.

.....Oh.
Maybe they could plug the server in outside where the pool has power?
It's 10 degrees outside. I'm not surfing youtube in 10 degree weather to figure out something i alreadyknow how to do...

As these conversations tend to go, she eventually stormed off, an exit slightly marred by having to grope her way back down the stairs for a flashlight, which she accidentally pointed behind the sofa and saw something glitter...

ANd after all that worry about electrocution downstairs, she reached back and yanked the clip out with her bare hands, took it to Randy and asked, "Could this be the problem?"

THree year old readily admitted to playing with the barrette, but didn't understand any of the rest of the screaming and yelling until they told her THAT was why the TV didn't work. THAT she understood...

 

[Loren Pechtel]

My coworker is raising a ninja. And about to disown his wife...

Houses in this town are old, and every one I know of has poor electrical wiring. Randy's house, just about everything is wired to the same circuit. Except for the Jacuzzi, pool, porch lights, those are wired around the main breaker, so they don't turn off no matter what you do at the breaker panel.

Anyway, his 3-year old daughter managed to find an electrical outlet two feet back behind the sofa and stuck a metal barrette in it.
View attachment 20561
(imagine the purple one on the right, but open, and slightly melted at the charred tips)
No one knows why she's alive, why the house didn't burn down.

Actually, I would think the most likely outcome would be neither electrocution, nor fire. Most flooring materials are reasonably non-conductive, sticking a conductor in an outlet would not produce a dangerous level of current. Sticking one conductor into both sides of an outlet will produce a major current and blow the breaker but would not electrocute the person doing it. The heat would be considerable but for such a short time a fire is unlikely.

How you get hurt sticking things in outlets is if you stick two things in an outlet, one on the hot side, one on the neutral. (Or, as happens with electrically-caused wildfires, an object comes close enough to both the hot and the neutral on the transmission lines. Those do not have insulation, no sticking-in is needed.)

 

[thebeave]

 

[Loren Pechtel]

I have a Fitbit. It's got random messages that display when you pick it up. One of them starts out "Left foot"--but the display is not quite wide enough. The message starts out displaying looking like "Left fool".

 

[Keith&Co.]

Dads are fun.

Coworker got called at work, first-grader daughter was in the nurses' office, fever and nausea.
He grabs his coat, has a thought, asks another coworker, 'You just had your appendix out, did you have any fever?'

He replys, 'No... "
Dad, "Thank God!"
2nd, "...but that IS a common symptom of appendicitis."
"Crap!"

I said, "Hey, don't go borrowing trouble. Nausea and fever are symptoms of a lot of things. Hell, at her age, it could just be because it's Wednesday."

He started to nod, then looked at me. "Today's Thursday."

"Oh." I hand him his backpack. "You had better hurry." He ran out of the office.
The coworker still in the office said, "He's gonba beat the crap out of you tomorrow."
"Yeah, but that's tomorrow."

So today, he comes in, says it was just something she ate, and then came to my cubicle. "My wife says i should beat you up."

"What a coincidence! MY wife says you should beat me up. Or, if your wife beats me up, my wife'll probably help."

Which is a bit of poetic license. What she actually said was, "You kniw better than to come crying to me at the inevitable beat down, right?"

Known that for 29 years...

 

[mrzyphl]

So he took you literally on your word that just because it's not Wednesday it must be serious?

 

[hyzer]

We were visiting a relative's house with the kind of elderly couple that has those red 4" driveway reflectors on thin white metal stakes to mark the end of driveway lest they park slightly off the paving. The grandkids, ages 4 to 12 are all playing in the yard, and around the driveway. One of the older kids moves the 4" iron cover to the house trap - the house trap is a plumbing trap for the main connection to the sanitary sewer in the street. A vent pipe connects the trap to grade, for venting sewer gas. Otherwise flush with the grass, the cover is now off and trap pipe is now open . . . . later that day the toilet in the basement back ups into the house. Several days later we hear from the grandparents that the plumber identified the problem. One of the driveway reflectors had been dropped head first into the open pipe where it perfectly blocked the pipe like a closed valve. Next time we are visiting the same grandparents, my 4 year old says that the wants to play "swords" with the reflectors with his cousins again . . . . "son, what did you do with the reflector when you were done playing swords?" Yup.

 

[Keith&Co.]

So he took you literally on your word that just because it's not Wednesday it must be serious?

He was already halfway to panic. An easy mark for suggestion.
When he was over the panic, daughter okay, he was able to think it over and plan my painful, humiliating death.

 

[Elixir]

So he took you literally on your word that just because it's not Wednesday it must be serious?

He was already halfway to panic. An easy mark for suggestion.
When he was over the panic, daughter okay, he was able to think it over and plan my painful, humiliating death.

Have you taken over my life?
Another day, another painful, humiliating death...

 

[Keith&Co.]

Have you taken over my life?
Another day, another painful, humiliating death...

Eh, it's not a proper work week without a death threat.
And as far as the rest....

Ever see the movie, S*P*Y*S? Eliot Gould, Donald Southerland work for the CIA. Someone tries to kill them, they suspect Americans.
Their boss doesn't know why they would suspect an American assassin.
"Look, the Chinese are silent, the Russians are quick, we're sloppy, and this hit was sloppy!"

Could ad to the list that bubbleheads leave a humiliated corpse... and i work with lots of bubbleheads.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Tallest son just came home from the gay show at the drag bar... or something like that. He's a little drunk.
Not sure how he got home. Neither is he.

I asked how the show was. "Jaegermeister is just a fancy word for vomit," he said with perfect diction. Can't say "drag show" or "gay bar" but clear as a bell on Jaegermeister and Vomit.

Then ran into the bathroom and threw up in the washing machine. Five fucking feet PAST the toilet to reach it....

 

[bilby]

Tallest son just came home from the gay show at the drag bar... or something like that. He's a little drunk.
Not sure how he got home. Neither is he.

I asked how the show was. "Jaegermeister is just a fancy word for vomit," he said with perfect diction. Can't say "drag show" or "gay bar" but clear as a bell on Jaegermeister and Vomit.

Then ran into the bathroom and threw up in the washing machine. Five fucking feet PAST the toilet to reach it....

LOL he's going to enjoy cleaning that up with a hangover.

 

[Keith&Co.]

There's a meme I've seen a couple of times. A guy advising to always be polite. There's no disrespectful way to say 'Yes, sir.'

Moron. I laughed aloud at this, because it's quite easy to say 'yes, sir' disrespectfully. If nothing else, by doing exactly what you're ordered to do.

One refit, they had a problem out in the missile compartment. It wasn't my area, wasn't my equipment, wasn't my procedure. So I wasn't paying attention. I was over on Fire Control. Not missile.
Chief came in with a solution, the Launcher watch suggested a couple of improvements. "Okay," Chief said. Turned to me. As I didn't look to be too busy. "Write that up as a local procedure!"

I love local procedures, I really do. We have these documents for everything we do with nuclear weapons, every step we're allowed to take, exact tools to use, almost down to choreographing who does what. And when those procedures fail, we back out, write a new procedure, get the Captain and God's permission to deviate, and do what needs to be done.
But I had no idea what they were talking about. So I brilliantly asked, "Huh? What?"

It's 2300 or so, they've been working this problem for a few hours, they had to get the paperwork done before the Captain left for the night, the whole division is up... I understand why the frustrated Chief lost his shit at me.

"Write a LOCAL FUCKING PROCEDURE," he screamed, "to FUCKING put the FUCKING wrench in the FUCKING hole and FUCKING torque the FUCKING bolt to..." When he finished, I nodded, "Aye, aye, Chief."

Then he stormed out. So that's what I wrote. "USS Maryland Local Fucking Procedure 738-12-Fucking-3
Fucking Step 1: Set the fucking torque wrench to 38 foot pounds.
Fucking Step 2: Tighten the loose fucking bolt to 38 foot pounds.
Fucking Step 3: Return to the fucking procedure, ensuring...."

Hit print. Then find/replace " fucking " with " " and printed that.

Chief storms back in. "Have you fucking printed it, yet?"

"Yes, chief, here's your local fucking procedure." Handed him the first copy. He storms out again, made it about 20 feet down the passageway. His scream of outrage was all anyone could have asked for.
"that's what you told me to do, Chief." Then I gave him the smooth copy and we finished the job.

He had to admit, that's exactly what he ordered. Two months later, he was able to laugh about it. By the time we pulled back into port, he was bragging about how he 'demanded a local fucking procedure and that's what I got."

 

[ZiprHead]

Tallest son just came home from the gay show at the drag bar... or something like that. He's a little drunk.
Not sure how he got home. Neither is he.

I asked how the show was. "Jaegermeister is just a fancy word for vomit," he said with perfect diction. Can't say "drag show" or "gay bar" but clear as a bell on Jaegermeister and Vomit.

Then ran into the bathroom and threw up in the washing machine. Five fucking feet PAST the toilet to reach it....

LOL! Everyone's got to experience Jaeger once, then it's usually never again.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Two of my coworkers are bored with nuclear weapons and have decided to make a porno. But they have no new ideas, no angles that aren't already covered.

I suggested something like Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Create a bad porno, full of clichés, lousy sound, cheesy dialogue, but have Dr. Phil sitting in the audience, commenting on each scene. "Now, the reason we see this cliché in so many pornos is because people confuse sex for love. And they confuse food for love. So if they fuck a pizza delivery guy, they get twice the fake love..."

They wanted more celebrities in the discussion. Terry Cruze, Mr. T, Tonya Harding, Betty White...

I suggested Paul Reuben. Make it a running gag. Every so often someone turns to where he sits: "Paul, you've been quiet for a while, any comments on the Clumsy Nurse scene?"
"N-n-n-n-not...right...n-n-n-n-now."
"Oh. Eugh. Nevermind!"