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Things that make you laugh...

So, submarine battle flags came up in discussion. The ones where they would sew victory patches for warships sunk, shipping sunk, land units shelled, planes shot down. Every command I've been at for the last 25 years has had at least one WWII sub's flag on display, somewhere.
The only battle flag a coworker had ever heard of was the Confederate Battle Flag, and was confused. She went to google the term and came back very confused and upset.
She said her Surface-navy husband had told her a LOT of things about how submariners behaved, and she hadn't quite believed him, but the search had proven...unsettling.

Turns out she had a typo and spent twenty minutes surfing the 'net for battle fags...
 
Keith&Co. said:
So, submarine battle flags came up in discussion. The ones where they would sew victory patches for warships sunk, shipping sunk, land units shelled, planes shot down. Every command I've been at for the last 25 years has had at least one WWII sub's flag on display, somewhere.
The only battle flag a coworker had ever heard of was the Confederate Battle Flag, and was confused. She went to google the term and came back very confused and upset.
She said her Surface-navy husband had told her a LOT of things about how submariners behaved, and she hadn't quite believed him, but the search had proven...unsettling.

Turns out she had a typo and spent twenty minutes surfing the 'net for battle fags...
Click to expand...

She shouldn't feel bad. The first test of a new piece of code wouldn't work because I was trying to FagReports.
 
Loren Pechtel said:
Keith&Co. said:
So, submarine battle flags came up in discussion. The ones where they would sew victory patches for warships sunk, shipping sunk, land units shelled, planes shot down. Every command I've been at for the last 25 years has had at least one WWII sub's flag on display, somewhere.
The only battle flag a coworker had ever heard of was the Confederate Battle Flag, and was confused. She went to google the term and came back very confused and upset.
She said her Surface-navy husband had told her a LOT of things about how submariners behaved, and she hadn't quite believed him, but the search had proven...unsettling.

Turns out she had a typo and spent twenty minutes surfing the 'net for battle fags...
Click to expand...

She shouldn't feel bad. The first test of a new piece of code wouldn't work because I was trying to FagReports.
Click to expand...
Funny.

Main problem right now, though, is that she wants to wash her laptop with soap and water...
 
Keith&Co. said:
Loren Pechtel said:
Keith&Co. said:
So, submarine battle flags came up in discussion. The ones where they would sew victory patches for warships sunk, shipping sunk, land units shelled, planes shot down. Every command I've been at for the last 25 years has had at least one WWII sub's flag on display, somewhere.
The only battle flag a coworker had ever heard of was the Confederate Battle Flag, and was confused. She went to google the term and came back very confused and upset.
She said her Surface-navy husband had told her a LOT of things about how submariners behaved, and she hadn't quite believed him, but the search had proven...unsettling.

Turns out she had a typo and spent twenty minutes surfing the 'net for battle fags...
Click to expand...

She shouldn't feel bad. The first test of a new piece of code wouldn't work because I was trying to FagReports.
Click to expand...
Funny.

Main problem right now, though, is that she wants to wash her laptop with soap and water...
Click to expand...

Not bleach?
 
So, YEARS ago, a way to detect a pregnancy was to take the woman's urine and inject it into a rabbit. Then you autopsied the rabbit to see if its ovaries reacted to the pregnancy hormones in the urine. The euphemism arose that if the woman was pregnant, they said 'The rabbit died.' Kind of silly, the rabbit always died, but that's the term.

My Oldest son's fiancé told my Tallest son in passing that she was positively pregnant. He told my wife. My wife told me. I had told some coworkers that she might be pregnant, so I just leaned into their cubicle and said, "The rabbit died."


They had never heard that phrase. First, they were sure that I had lost a pet. I seemed happy for that, so maybe it was a kid's pet that I hated?
Then, one thought maybe a son's, um, marital aid's batteries died, and wondered how I came to know this.
I eventually connected the phrase to pregnancy, and they assumed I meant there was a miscarriage.

That's it, no more euphemisms in the office. From now on, all non-professional information will be transmitted through interpretive dance.
 
No, no, no, Rex is for OFFICIAL information. Like, "i accidentally emailed classified info to the unit, so now my trusty steed must devour your computer. Paragraph 72.3.5 of the SSPINST directs this."
 
Uncle Doodlebunny has once again offered me advice on how to ensure my whole family makes it into Heaven. He is very concerned that we wed in a Catholic ceremony, for one thing.

My reply: It is possible that at some point in my life, or perhaps a previous sojourn on this Earth, i committed a sin, the repercussions of which include me deserving your unsolicited advice on this matter. Asking for it, in this life, however, is not one of my sins."

His only reply was "Catholics believe in reincarnation?"
 
Youngest came by as i was almost finished dressing. He gabbed my shoes as if i had fetched them for him. "Thanks!" Started to put them on.
I just sat there. "You're going to regret that," i predicted.

"I'm too old for your threats!" he siad, then stood...
In my diabetic shoes...
With $700 insoles customized for my foot problems.
There's a ridge under the metatarsals, and a hollow spot to offload a problem area.
They tried to shape his feet into my therapeutic goals.
"It wasn't a threat," i said as his eyes went wide, and he tried to take his weight off both feet at the same time. "But it is a fact."

He's still asking if the Geneva Convention mentions these torture devices.
 
It's impossible for me to take anything any putatively religious conservative says as long as Donald Trump is the primary political leader of organized conservative Christian politics in America.
Click to expand...

--Matthew Yglesias
 
Fuck you all. I'm rich now!

I just got this email.:

Stephanie Smith Law Chambers
30 Bloomsbury Square London,
WC1A2LS, United Kingdom


I am the personal attorney to Steven Vandersande, a Dutch who was a consultant with Shell UK LTD here in London, who hereinafter shall be referred to as my client. Unfortunately My Client lost his life in a plane crash MH17 on the 17th July, 2014 during one of his trip from Netherlands (Amsterdam) to Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur) http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-28357880 and my client left no clear beneficiary to the fund deposited with a Security Company as Next of Kin except some vital documents related to the deposit that is still with me.

All efforts by me to trace his Next of Kin and relatives have proved abortive because he did not make any will prior to his death. Since then I have made several inquiries to locate any of my late client's extended relatives and this has proved unsuccessful. After my several unsuccessful attempts to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you.

I am contacting you to assist me in claiming the money left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unclaimed by the security company where this huge deposit was deposited. Particularly, the Finance Company where He had the said fund valued at US$15,500,000.00 (Fifteen Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only) deposited has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin. Consequent upon this, my idea is that we can have a deal/agreement and I am going to do this legally with your name as the true beneficiary of the amount in question as I have all legal document to back our claim, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased so that the proceeds of this account valued at $15,500,000.00 Million US dollars can be paid to your account abroad, note that 40% of this money will be for you, in respect to the provision of a foreign account and 50% for me, 10% will be used for the reimbursement of any expenditure we may incur in the cause of the transaction.

I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law; all I need from you is your utmost collaboration and sincerity for us to thrive in this deal. I want you to reply me immediately and include your direct phone number so that we can discuss more as regards to this transaction. Thank you and Please treat this matter with the utmost confidentiality. I wait for your urgent response.

Yours Sincerely,
Barr. Stephanie Smith.
Phone: +447937008914
Click to expand...

Later, losers!
 
My wife got something like this not long ago.

In the postal mailbox.

On paper.

I'm still trying to figure out which company in Canada is being ripped off by one of the employees who has the password to the Canada Post system...
 
ZiprHead said:
I just got this email.:

Stephanie Smith Law Chambers
30 Bloomsbury Square London,
WC1A2LS, United Kingdom


I am the personal attorney to Steven Vandersande, a Dutch who was a consultant with Shell UK LTD here in London, who hereinafter shall be referred to as my client. Unfortunately My Client lost his life in a plane crash MH17 on the 17th July, 2014 during one of his trip from Netherlands (Amsterdam) to Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur) http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-28357880 and my client left no clear beneficiary to the fund deposited with a Security Company as Next of Kin except some vital documents related to the deposit that is still with me.

All efforts by me to trace his Next of Kin and relatives have proved abortive because he did not make any will prior to his death. Since then I have made several inquiries to locate any of my late client's extended relatives and this has proved unsuccessful. After my several unsuccessful attempts to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you.

I am contacting you to assist me in claiming the money left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unclaimed by the security company where this huge deposit was deposited. Particularly, the Finance Company where He had the said fund valued at US$15,500,000.00 (Fifteen Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only) deposited has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin. Consequent upon this, my idea is that we can have a deal/agreement and I am going to do this legally with your name as the true beneficiary of the amount in question as I have all legal document to back our claim, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased so that the proceeds of this account valued at $15,500,000.00 Million US dollars can be paid to your account abroad, note that 40% of this money will be for you, in respect to the provision of a foreign account and 50% for me, 10% will be used for the reimbursement of any expenditure we may incur in the cause of the transaction.

I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law; all I need from you is your utmost collaboration and sincerity for us to thrive in this deal. I want you to reply me immediately and include your direct phone number so that we can discuss more as regards to this transaction. Thank you and Please treat this matter with the utmost confidentiality. I wait for your urgent response.

Yours Sincerely,
Barr. Stephanie Smith.
Phone: +447937008914
Click to expand...

Later, losers!
Click to expand...

Well, it's been lovely knowing you, Zip. Think of us occasionally when you're sipping champagne on your yacht.
 
I have a lot of Hawaiian shirts. After a military career, I find myself happily indulging in not wearing anything of any uniformity.
So, today's shirt is a white background, with aggressively pink flowers splashed across it. Bought it when someone had cancer and we all went pink for a day every month. I've gotten two reactions to it today.

An admin assistant was on the phone with one of our managers when I walked up to her desk. She does the travel arrangements for about 83 people, and this guy insists on filling out his travel request with 'Same hotel you put me in last time.' Like she has nothing better to do that maintain a log of this shit... Anyway, she hung up, looked up at me. "I should get a shirt like that. A take-charge, devil-may-care sort of thing, so people will listen to me."
I wished her luck with that, got the forms I needed and left.

Bounced off a manager (not Hotel Guy). He looked at my shirt. "I need to get a shirt like that. An I-could-give-a-fuck, no responsibilities, you-can't-make-me-care shirt. Then maybe people will stop bringing me their problems."

Man, the only superpower I know of in this shirt is that I sit under the air conditioner, and my nipples don't poke little tents in the material.
 
When I'm hiking I pick up trash I see if I can reasonably carry it. I carry doggie bags for the purpose. Sunday I picked up a Red Bull can in one. Does that mean I was carrying bullshit?
 
Today i wrote up my goals for the next evaluation year. Where i want to be, what i will do to get there, any support i need from my managers.

I hand it in tomorrow. I am making a YUUUUUGE folder for three sheets of paper, labeling it with an Eye of Horus and "My 2020 vision...."
 
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