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Things that make you laugh...

"But magicians have calculated that million-to-one chances crop up nine times out of ten." Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man
 
So, i was raised Mormon. It didn't take, but the rituals i am familiar with did not prepare me for my wife's Catholic family.
Last week, we attended her sister's funeral in Philadelphia, and ended up sitting by the casket.
Mormons don't really respond to the sermon except 'amen,' so responsorials, where the priest says domething and the congregation says something different, that's beyond me. I don't know the codes.
We drank grape juice, not wine, and had dry white bread, not crackers, but i didn't participate, so no big deal.
We never set things on fire during the godstuffs, so the whole bit about the incense and smoking the casket seemed...weird. was she supposed to "follow the smoke" the way some might say "go to the light"?
The bending a knee every time anyone sat at a pew or stood, or enterred the room...seemed redundant. And genuflecting strikes me as a secret handshake.

Anyway, after it was all over, out in the car, my wife asked if i had any questions about the service, the rittuals. Just one i really needed answered. "When do i stop smelling incense?"
She thought i was being smart-assed (hard to understand why) and just slapped my arm.

The next day, halfway back to Massachusetts, we stopped for lunch. Put on the masks we'd worn in the church. Which we inundared with the smell of the incense.

"Not a fucking word," she growled.
 
Wife and I spent some time out in public yesterday, wearing masks, as were most people. While walking and talking, we started to ad lib suggestions for improving the mask wearing experience. Hers: add child's binkie on the inside. Mine: add a dog-toy squeaky on the inside.
 
While out in public yesterday, the wife and I spotted a young woman with a very distinctive print on her way too tight pants.

Me: "Look at those animal print pants"
Her: "Leopard?"
Me: (struggling to correctly pronounce) "I think is ocelot"
Her: "Are you trying to say those are ass-a-lot pants?"
 
So my wife an I are having some cocktails . . . and we have the following exchange:

Her: "We need to create the cocktail recipe for the "2020"
Me: "It will be a type of Quarantini"
Her: "start with 3 parts Chinese liquor" (after Googling we decide it is Ming River Baijiu)
Me: "add 1 part American Moonshine"
Her: "bitters, 5 ml, in a syringe that comes with the drink so the patron, not the barkeep, adds the bitters" (after Googling we decide Fernet Branca, cause it is blood-red and, well, bitter)
Me: "and the syringe comes with cocktail onion garnish stuck on the needle"
Her: "and the onion has been soaked for 9 months in smoky Mezcal"
 
hyzer said:
So my wife an I are having some cocktails . . . and we have the following exchange:

Her: "We need to create the cocktail recipe for the "2020"
Me: "It will be a type of Quarantini"
Her: "start with 3 parts Chinese liquor" (after Googling we decide it is Ming River Baijiu)
Me: "add 1 part American Moonshine"
Her: "bitters, 5 ml, in a syringe that comes with the drink so the patron, not the barkeep, adds the bitters" after Googling we decide Fernet Branca, cause it is blood-red and, well, bitter)
Me: "and the syringe comes with cocktail onion garnish stuck on the needle"
Her: "and the onion has been soaked for 9 months in smoky Mezcal"
Click to expand...

We all know a drink called "2020" is gonna be prison toilet hooch.
 
hyzer said:
Mine: add a dog-toy squeaky on the inside.
Click to expand...
I like that. I'm fairly friendly to strangers while shopping, esp. with small kids, but no one can see my smile.
A cheerful squeak effect would come in handy. Since the kazoo is contraindicated...
 
Just remembered a test on my third sub.

The USS Maryland was just built and we loaded the first missile ever put on that sub.
One of the tests we do is to make sure the system can communicate with the warhead position, preparing it to be armed and go boom. We don't actually arm it, we just send gibberish up, and prove we could have done it, if we wanted to.
It's kind of a big deal. If it doesn't work, the multi-million dollar system is broke, the deterrence is lost, the ship is assessed 'downtime,' and the terrorists win. And 8 hundred officers swarm the ship and ask what you did wrong. Blame the operator, not the system.

So, we had never done this before on this ship. A little tension in the room as we watched Taylor select the equipment, the test, hit start... i swear, five of us held our breaths watching the damn printer for pass or fail.
The sixth guy in the room suddenly belts out a PERFECT imitation of Marvin The Martian. "Where's the kaboom? There's supposed to be an Earth-shattering kaboom!"

We lost it. All the tension of the moment released in belly-laughs. Paralyzed missile techs rolling on the floor, screaming laughter.
Which is of course when Weps walked in, asking if we'd run the test, yet.

We could not talk for a good minute. Then, it just fell flat.

"You, uh, you had to be there, sir."
 
According to the legendary (and geriatric) Cohen the Barbarian, the three best things in life are hot water, good dentistry, and soft lavatory paper.
 
Angry Floof said:
According to the legendary (and geriatric) Cohen the Barbarian, the three best things in life are hot water, good dentistry, and soft lavatory paper.
Click to expand...

But definitely not shoop.

All anyone gives him to eat is bloody shoop.

It's always "shit down here by the campfire, granddad, and have some shoop".
 
Interestingly, the man upon whom the carol is based was not named 'Wenceslas', but 'Václav' ('Wenceslas' is a latinization of his name); And he wasn't technically a king - his highest aristocratic rank in life was that of Kníže of Bohemia - Kníže is usually rendered as 'Prince', 'Duke', or 'Count' in English. The Holy Roman Emperor, Otto I, made him a King posthumously, in recognition of his popularity and good works.

Presumably the songwriters felt that 'Good Count Václav looked out' didn't scan well, and nobody knew how to pronounce 'Kníže' without someone else calling out 'Gezundheit!'.

Kníže Václav the Good was assassinated in 935AD by his brother, the wonderfully named Boleslav the Cruel. They didn't mince words in the tenth century, and called their rulers' characters as they saw them (although presumably few dared call Boleslav 'the Cruel' to his face, and I imagine he probably thought of himself as more Boleslav the Always-Sends-His-Mum-Flowers-On-Her-Birthday).
 
"Good King Wenceslas" is indeed an odd choice for a Christmas carol. I remember being taught to sing it at school without a word of explanation about the lyrics. Is it one of those "Christmas carols" that are actually appropriate all winter, but never gets a minute of airplay after December 25th, like "Winter Wonderland" and "Jingle Bells"?

I believe the makers of 7-Up made a holiday-themed commercial with the tune of GKW playing, albeit with more contemporary lyrics.
 
Keith&Co. said:
Just remembered a test on my third sub.

The USS Maryland was just built and we loaded the first missile ever put on that sub.
One of the tests we do is to make sure the system can communicate with the warhead position, preparing it to be armed and go boom. We don't actually arm it, we just send gibberish up, and prove we could have done it, if we wanted to.
It's kind of a big deal. If it doesn't work, the multi-million dollar system is broke, the deterrence is lost, the ship is assessed 'downtime,' and the terrorists win. And 8 hundred officers swarm the ship and ask what you did wrong. Blame the operator, not the system.

So, we had never done this before on this ship. A little tension in the room as we watched Taylor select the equipment, the test, hit start... i swear, five of us held our breaths watching the damn printer for pass or fail.
The sixth guy in the room suddenly belts out a PERFECT imitation of Marvin The Martian. "Where's the kaboom? There's supposed to be an Earth-shattering kaboom!"

We lost it. All the tension of the moment released in belly-laughs. Paralyzed missile techs rolling on the floor, screaming laughter.
Which is of course when Weps walked in, asking if we'd run the test, yet.

We could not talk for a good minute. Then, it just fell flat.

"You, uh, you had to be there, sir."
Click to expand...

So we are sitting in a packed conference room at the architecture firm where I worked, participating the 'pre-presentation' (practicing the slides and verbal bits before the client sees it) for a new destination beach front community. The big idea the client has, and we have drawn and planned, is that all of the rooms are separate tree-houses (this is long before the accessibilities act) set among the palm trees. Rendering after beautiful rendering is shown with these great views down through the high palms, with the rooms up on stilts and see through stairs, with families walking in swim suits, some of them right under the rooms, out to the perfect beach beyond. The presentation is finished, the design team turns for comments, wiping their collective brows when out of the back, a lone voice asks "Where are the shit pipes?"
 
Keith&Co. said:
Just remembered a test on my third sub.

The USS Maryland was just built and we loaded the first missile ever put on that sub.
One of the tests we do is to make sure the system can communicate with the warhead position, preparing it to be armed and go boom. We don't actually arm it, we just send gibberish up, and prove we could have done it, if we wanted to.
It's kind of a big deal. If it doesn't work, the multi-million dollar system is broke, the deterrence is lost, the ship is assessed 'downtime,' and the terrorists win. And 8 hundred officers swarm the ship and ask what you did wrong. Blame the operator, not the system.

So, we had never done this before on this ship. A little tension in the room as we watched Taylor select the equipment, the test, hit start... i swear, five of us held our breaths watching the damn printer for pass or fail.
The sixth guy in the room suddenly belts out a PERFECT imitation of Marvin The Martian. "Where's the kaboom? There's supposed to be an Earth-shattering kaboom!"

We lost it. All the tension of the moment released in belly-laughs. Paralyzed missile techs rolling on the floor, screaming laughter.
Which is of course when Weps walked in, asking if we'd run the test, yet.

We could not talk for a good minute. Then, it just fell flat.

"You, uh, you had to be there, sir."
Click to expand...

That is so perfect. Sometimes the perfect spot for the perfect quote comes along - we all should be that good to be ready!
 
hyzer said:
Keith&Co. said:
Just remembered a test on my third sub.

The USS Maryland was just built and we loaded the first missile ever put on that sub.
One of the tests we do is to make sure the system can communicate with the warhead position, preparing it to be armed and go boom. We don't actually arm it, we just send gibberish up, and prove we could have done it, if we wanted to.
It's kind of a big deal. If it doesn't work, the multi-million dollar system is broke, the deterrence is lost, the ship is assessed 'downtime,' and the terrorists win. And 8 hundred officers swarm the ship and ask what you did wrong. Blame the operator, not the system.

So, we had never done this before on this ship. A little tension in the room as we watched Taylor select the equipment, the test, hit start... i swear, five of us held our breaths watching the damn printer for pass or fail.
The sixth guy in the room suddenly belts out a PERFECT imitation of Marvin The Martian. "Where's the kaboom? There's supposed to be an Earth-shattering kaboom!"

We lost it. All the tension of the moment released in belly-laughs. Paralyzed missile techs rolling on the floor, screaming laughter.
Which is of course when Weps walked in, asking if we'd run the test, yet.

We could not talk for a good minute. Then, it just fell flat.

"You, uh, you had to be there, sir."
Click to expand...

That is so perfect. Sometimes the perfect spot for the perfect quote comes along - we all should be that good to be ready!
Click to expand...

It really was. I quip a lot, but seldom so perfectly.
 
My son's game, Grand Theft Auto, has added a submarine. Not James Bond's Lotus submersible, or a drug cartel's smugglemarine, but it looks to me like the SSBN USS George Washington, or of that class. Maddd in the late 1950's.

I toured one almost that old one time.
When i was on the Franklin we pulled into New London for some liberty. They parked us WAY the hell down the wharf, near the end farthest from the gate. As we walked to where we could ride a bus into town, we passed bunches of Fast Attack subs, and one SSBN. That was unusual, as boomer subs didn't patrol out if that port. We noticed it was Lafayette class, then went on.
Horrible day. Had lots of fun, but it was raining cats and arks. Came back, trudged up the wharf, found our boat...
Duty officer tasked us with going to the Lafayette.
Seems one of our Navigation techs had infiltrated their sub and we had to escort him back.
We were picked because at that point we could not get any wetter.

Shipmate had not noticed the other boomer on his way off base. So as he slogged thru the rain, saw a boomer, assumed he was home.
The topside watch didn't really want to come out of their little shack, so they shouted, "You on the gold crew?"
Now, every four months, there was a three-day overlap when crewmen from both blue and gold crews were on board. One owns the boat, one is preparing to take the boat. So, not unusual to be asked what crew you were on.


WE had done turnover two months before this. OUR blue crew was in Charleston. There would be no reason for the blueies to come up and stand topside. This should have been a clue.
But he just nodded, "Yeah!" And they let him aboard. He was stone sober by the way.
Down in Machinery One, he goes go descend the ladder to the middle deck, but the ladder is missing. It's a different internal arrangement, different class. Clearly NOT OUR BOAT.
He gets upset that someone stowed the ladder when it should be out for crew use. Still sober.
Goes thru a door that's centerline on our boat, slightly to port on this one. Finds the ladder, move to the other side of the bulkhead, with a new hole cut in the deck.
Goes thru the boat asking people "Why'd they move the ladder out of AMR1?" And people just ask him, "Who the hell are you?" Eventually taking him into custody. "What? I live here! I'm on this crew!"
"How long have you been on the Lafayette?"
"The what?"

They explained this to us in great detail when we arrived. They never asked, just assumed he was drunk. Nah, he was Mormon. Just stupid.... he kept arguing with us that anupyone could have made that mistake.
Yeah. 60 guys on liberty, only one returns to the wrong boat.
 
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