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Things that make you laugh...

Viral videos of last Wednesday's terrorists crying while being banned from flights or arrested at airports make me laugh.

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Also, I'd like someone with tech skills to create an audio mash-up of the cries and outrage of these people, so I can make it my new ringtone.
 
TV and credit cards said:
ZiprHead said:
Juno spacecraft discovers FM radio signal coming from Jupiter moon

Smooth jazz or classic rock?
Click to expand...

Thank god it wasn't AM. Some blowhard Jovian railing about "those little green men".
Click to expand...
Well, Jupiter is technically in International Waters. If Trump can find a way to piggyback that signal, no one here can stop him.
"Coming to you, live, from the bigliest planet! Trump Talk! Introducing... me! All me, all day! Starting with our call-in show. Go ahead.
...
...
...
...
...
What's wrong? What? Oh. Yeah, there's an hour forty minute delay due to light speed. So, not quite live. But that just means we fill up air time faster! Okay! Waiting for the first lucky caller to talk to me. Live!
...
...
...
...
I'm going out for a burger, write down his question when it gets here."
 
Doctor: "Mercury is in Uranus"

Patient: "Really doc?, How can a doctor believe in that Astrology nonsense!"

Doctor: "No, I mean, I broke the thermometer."
 
My wife read from the Bible at her sister's funeral. For some reason, she just could not pronounce Ecclesiastes correctly that day.
I made no special note of it. She's Catholic, went to Catholic school, she can damned well say the word.
But a few days later, she tried to use an aphorism based on a Bible passage. She could not remember it entirely. I suggested, "That's from Ecclesiastes, isn't it?" Ha ha, big laugh.

It's kinda evolved. Any cliche, i assume it's from Ecclesiastes. Or The Simpsons.
"Well, six of one..."
"Oh, i loved that episode!"
"Of the Bible?"
"No, Grandpa Simpson. The cops asked if he was senile or trying to distract them and... Why, was that episode based on a Bible passage?"



I don't know which bible translation includes death threats involving car batteries.
 
We're out and about and the drama-queen car announces we're about to DIE from the oil being down to 15% life remaining. Something MUST BE DONE!!

Okay, she has her phone, i have a book, we'll get it changed.

While we're in the socially-distanced waiting room, i think to myself, "This is 2021. So many artists and authors and movies promised me a flying car by now. Where the fuck is my flying car?"

About then, i notice a guy come in. He has none of the English. Gary, behind the counter, has only the English.
Customer speaks into his phone, then holds it to Gary. Phone asks for a car inspection. Gary tells the phone the price and how long it will take. Phone tells the customer. Customer hands over the keys.
The car fails inspection. The windshield wiper spray is not spraying. The phone handles negotiations for how this will be resolved.
I realize that our technology base, overall, is still pretty amazing, even without commuter flight.
I turn to the wife. "I guess the flying car was more cinematic, though."

She doesn't look up from her phone. "Was this an internal dialogue or did you just finish a conversation we had two months ago?"

"You were right there, the WHOLE TIME!!" I point out. She shrugs.
 
One of the things they teach in officer-school is that the biggest problem with leading enlisted is they don't know what they want, but thrry sure as fuck know what they do not want.

My company has made an effort to reduce this dichotomy to an algorithm. This is my team's summation of an example problem.

Consider the problem of literally leading a group of enlisted on travel between two identified points on a map, along a specified route.

The service unit knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn't, by subtracting where it is, from where it isn't, or where it isn't, from where it is, whichever is greater, it obtains a difference, or "deviation". The deviation will be marked in submission to the officer.
"Where the fuck are we?" Or perhaps, "Can _I_ hold the map for just a minute, LT?"
The officer uses deviations to generate corrective commands to drive the unit from a position where it is, to a position where it isn't, and arriving at a position where it wasn't, it now is. Consequently, the position where it is, is now the position that it wasn't, and it follows that the position where it was, is now the position that it isn't. In the event of the position that it is in is not the position that it wasn't, the trip has required a "variation". The variation being the difference between where the unit is, and where it wasn't. If variation is considered to be a significant factor, it too, may be corrected by the officer.
However, the unit must also know where it was. The unit satisfaction scenario works as follows: Because a variation has modified some of the information the unit has obtained, it is not sure just where it is, however it is sure where it isn't, within reason, and it knows where it was. It now subracts where it should be, from where it wasn't, or vice versa. By differentiating this from the algebraic sum of where it shouldn't be, and where it was. It is able to obtain a deviation, and a variation, which is called "the officer fucked us."
This part is seldom expressed directly to the officer, though it will be an unavoidable subcurrent to all interactions.
"Let's turn 30 degrees to port."
"Yes, LT, that will help. Uh huh."
 
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WAB's Recipe For Amazingly Scrumptious Cucumber Quiche With Frantoio Olives And Taleggio Cheese

4 large cucumbers, unpeeled, sliced to the width of Australian 50 cent coins
6 ounces of Frantoio olives, finely chopped
1 gallon of Half-N-Half, or heavy cream
1 white onion (about the size of a baseball, or an onion)
One-half Tbsp. garlic powder (yeah, powder! You got all day? I don't)
5 ounces of Taleggio cheese
One nose clip

Toss everything together, any old way. Pour a shot of Tequila. Put on some Pink Floyd.
Mix. Mix more. Come on, keep mixing. I didn't tell you to stop. You keep mixing or you'll get the...never mind, just mix.
You don't like Atom Heart Mother? Fuck you.
Throw everything out.
Get a divorce.
Cry.
Find a bridge.
Stand on bridge...
Don't look behind you, there's a monster coming!
aaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (back of the throat)
 
So, i tend to visit the same city in my dreams. Kind of afantastic version of my city. There are stores i've frequented, some neighborhoods i am sorta familiar with.
Last night, i dreamt one store had a loaner program. For whatever service they were providing, i got to use a fully articulated velociraptor costume until it was done.
I had several errands that day, so at some point i was running store-to-store in my raptor suit.

Towards the end of my dream, i realized i had forgotten which store i had to return the costume to.
And you can't ask, "Is this your velociraptor?" because of course they'll say, 'yes!' Who wouldn't?
I was getting frantic, walking into each store, waiting for someone to ssy, "brought the dino back, i see."
Then i woke up.

Woke up upset because dream people are going to be mad at me for not bringing the costume back. And i dread going to sleep tonight because it's not even unlikely that i'll end up in that store with some outrageus late fees....
 
Crap I forgot the eggs! Can't have quiche without eggs! And pie shells!

Addendum to above recipe: Two dozen eggs, and oh, I don't know, 3 pie-shells. Semi-bake pie shells and cool before adding mixture. And not Floyd. Make it Zeppelin, Houses of the Holy. Didn't you have to work today!?? Let's not cook. Hell, I'm going out. Yeah, yeah. [under breath:] Asshole...
 
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