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Things that make you laugh...

Today I learned that if a Muslim farts during prayer, the prayer doesn't count.

HOWEVER, vaginal farts do not affect the validity of the prayer.

(A bit surprising, coming from a misogynist ideology.)
 
I can't do anything 'normal.'

I got a LOT of fluids pumped into me during my gallbladder surgery and post-op. I think i was about 20 pounds heavier coming home. The swelling above my waist went down fairly quickly, but i'm still bloated in the legs.
So, the day after i came home from the hospital, i get a water blister. One. Just one, on the back of my calf. It was about the size of my palm, and two fingers deep. It popped and has been leaking clear water ever since.

The next day, i got up and dressed and four hours later noticed a water blister on my other calf. Just the one. It wasn't there when i got dressed. So now i'm kinda freaking. Is this normal? Natural? What? It's even bigger than the other one was (and grew to be 3 fingers deep, and wider across then the palm of my hand before popping).

Went to the emergency room. I was REALLY hoping that when i showed them what was going on, they'd 'Pshaw. Everyone gets those.'

No.

I surprised the nurse. I surprised the emergency room triage nurse. I made an ER nurse's eyes bug out at the sight of my enormous water blister.

But, okay, it's outside HER experience. Just one woman, right?

When the doctor saw me, HIS eyes popped.

I do not mind when my coworkers are unprepared for stories about eyeball injections or amputations or whatever.
I don't like living a life where i can surprise hardened veterans of ER. I'm the one THEY are supposed to be telling stories to, weird shit they've seen while they treat me, so i feel like i'm in the hands of professionals who've seen the elephant. I'm not supposed to be a story they're going to tell someone else to calm THEM down.

THey ended up giving me a shit-ton of gauze and wraps to keep the fluids (as my tape-job was dripping onto their floor), andsend me home with 'Hope everything turns out okay!"

So, i've got two HUGE packs of gauze taped to my shins. I've got a smaller pack of gauze on my belly where the post-operative drain used to be, which still leaks the tiniest bit... Then i get a nosebleed.
I have to pee but right now i'm afraid to move... Something else'll pop, I just know it.
I hate my life....
 
Did you swallow a plum pit or something? You know those things can be sharp.
 
Actually, the meal before it all went poopies was Wendy's. I had the chicken instead of a burger because i was thinking: Healthy..... Or healthiER, anyway.

That'll learn me...
 
My sister's company has 'bring a pet to work day.' She's complained bitterly for two years that they only allow DOGS. I mean, it says 'pets' but the restrictions are canines. Not everyone's a dog person, dammit.

Someone was finally tired of her shit and announced 'bring your cat to work day.' Crap. Now she had to bring MacLean in.

MacLean is a maine coon, which is like a cross between a lynx and a 'holy shit it's coming right at us!' He's about 30 pounds. Stalked the office, allowed a few people to marvel at his grandeur... Then someone brought in a kitten. Frightened MacLean, who ran and hid under my sister's desk for the rest of the day. Someone made a poster, announcing next year's second annual bring your scaredy cat to work day...
 
My oldest son called. Dumb guy asked "How you doing?"
"I MADE A POOP!"
"DAD!"
"It was a good one. Started out pretty solid, then softer, finally a liquid."
"Um... Why are you telling me this?"
"I've been constipated since i came home from the hospital. I'm telling EVERYONE."
"Aw, jeez."
"Hey, this is the sort of thing that becomes important in post surgical conversations. Docs are all the time asking if you've made wee or had a poop. Your mom won't talk to me right now. And your youngest brother threw himself out the window right after i said, "Hey, you know how i've been constipated all week?""
"Smart guy..."
"Yeah, I'm kinda proud of him. And he managed to land on his feet, too."
"Well, I just wanted to see how you were doing, so..."
"And then there's the scab i peeled off my belly incision. It was as big as my thumbnail...."



I'm not sure that i made him puke. I mean, there were SOUNDS of puking, but he may have been trying to make a point. He certainly made an exit.
 
So, I was on some powerful narcotics while i was in the hospital. Narcotic hallucinations are weird....

I was, for a long time, convinced that the interns and nurses were an alien race and i was on the First Contact team. The interns were all alien males in my mind (not an accurate impression), and they communicated by urinating. The nurses/females were socially restricted from this form of communication. We had no Prime Directive and for some reason we were intent on convincing the alien females that they should pee in public, too.

This not only explains why i wet my bed at one point, freely and without hesitation, but also why i bragged to the nurse that i had done so, encouraging her to join me. I remember that part of the conversation clearly, but not her reaction. Of course, she was the one injecting me with the narcotics, so she really shouldn't have been terribly surprised...
 
I shared that and a few other hallucinations with my son. He turned to me: Your organs are literally dying and you STILL have too much time on your hands.
 
My year old neighbor has some problem with me. He's got a litany of things i've done that piss him off, but I'm not sure what caused him to start the list.
He's got issues with the fact that i don't wave when i see him, that i have used swear words around his family 5 times (which my kids find a laughably low number)(Unless, "Like, does he mean 5 times last Thursday or something like that?"), and so on. Yesterday, he caught my wife taking out the garbage and yelled at her about me.

Wife told the story at dinner. "So, you know how the neighbor has a hard-on for your father?"

Youngest loses it: "Can we PLEASE, as a generation, move beyond referring to an erection to indicate anger issues? I don't know WHY your generation felt a need to invent a new way to say 'that person has specific anger for this person,' but i can show you to the Urban Dictionary, for a bunch of options, just please, please, please don't make me think about that 70 year old man's penis, ever, much less in some sort of context that includes my father!"

She stared at him for a moment. "So, anyway, there he was, chewing my ass..."
"AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"
 
Oh my goodness, whatever could you have done to piss him off...

Considering this thread is 1000 posts long and every other post seems to be about you pranking or mocking someone.
 
Sarpedon said:
Oh my goodness, whatever could you have done to piss him off...

Considering this thread is 1000 posts long and every other post seems to be about you pranking or mocking someone.
Click to expand...
Yeah, relatives and coworkers.

Him I've mostly left completely alone for 16 years... Maybe that's it? Maybe i should prank him? Fifty pounds of jello mix into his pool or tie-dye his yippy little dog...
 
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