Things that make you laugh...

[spikepipsqueak]

Youngest loses it: "Can we PLEASE, as a generation, move beyond referring to an erection to indicate anger issues? I don't know WHY your generation felt a need to invent a new way to say 'that person has specific anger for this person,' but i can show you to the Urban Dictionary, for a bunch of options, just please, please, please don't make me think about that 70 year old man's penis, ever, much less in some sort of context that includes my father!"

She stared at him for a moment. "So, anyway, there he was, chewing my ass..."
"AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

That's good. Youngest is really articulate.

Not sure how he managed squeamish in your family. He must have been really determined.

... tie-dye his yippy little dog...

No. No, no, no. Die dying, or any other form of dying that involves boiling is not acceptable.

But you could probably paint him.

 

[Keith&Co.]

That's good. Youngest is really articulate.

He really is. I take full credit for that fact.

Not sure how he managed squeamish in your family. He must have been really determined.

It's a very small blind spot, Septuagenarian erections. Not a general squeamishness as evidenced by what happens after he asks 'Can i show you a rather offensive gif?"
Or 'horrific jpeg?'
Or 'Terrifying website?'

 

[spikepipsqueak]

This reminds me of the time ...


Sitting fully clothed on my beach, which doubles as a nudist beach beach for them as wants it, and a casual acquaintance walks up and stands talking to me - way too close - for about quarter of an hour. Then puts his shorts on as he walks away.

I can laugh about it now.





Something that did make me smile the other day.

Driving on a major arterial (Punt Rd, appropriately, for those who know Melb.), traffic starts to pile up and I see that a tradie's ute has been oddly parked. As I pass it, the tradie in question is kicking the football back over the road and the fence to the school kids.

 

[Keith&Co.]

I learned a magic trick!

My blood pressure has been hovering about 140/91 for the last week.

When i lie on the gurney in the Emergency Room, My blood pressure tops out at 114. When i stand up it instantly drops to 81.

For some reason, the ER staff did not compliment me on mastering this trick. I guess it was the special effects. They couldn't see how cloudy they looked when i stood up, or how the room spinned. I think they'd have been impressed if they could have seen the visuals associated with the trick.

PUmped full of fluids and sent home to NOT take my blood pressure medicine for a day or two, seems to have ruined the trick. Now i gotta go back to work tomorrow.

 

[James Brown]

The Thoughts and Prayers App: When you want people to know that you care, without having to actually do anything.

[YOUTUBE]UXrB7Y6gVN8[/YOUTUBE]

 

[Keith&Co.]

I met one of my doctors today!
When my gall bladder went gangrenous, one of the stones blocked the bile duct. The gastroenterologist had to clear the duct. He put a stent in. From what i hear, he discussed the procedure with me. I have no recollection of the entire day. I had an appointment today to discuss surgery to remove the stent he left in place to support the duct.

So, HE said, "You're looking a lot better."
_I_ said, "Nice to meet you."

Since this is a follow-up visit, the staff saw that on my ticket and assumed i'd been in this office before. That I knew Doctor B.

I had to explain: I was already being prepped for the gall bladder surgery when the doctor did the endoscopy. I wouldn't be able to recognize him if he walked up and stuck a knife in my belly.

Since that's exactly what he does for a living, the staff wasn't at all sure how to take the remark... They all reacted like my grandmother did any time she asked what i did for fun. She didn't understand the answer, so she just pretended no one had spoken...

 

[paladin.oa]

They all reacted like my grandmother did any time she asked what i did for fun. She didn't understand the answer, so she just pretended no one had spoken...

So, should I risk asking what you like to do for fun?

 

[Keith&Co.]

They all reacted like my grandmother did any time she asked what i did for fun. She didn't understand the answer, so she just pretended no one had spoken...

So, should I risk asking what you like to do for fun?

Oh, back then I would just start talking about Star Trek. Or Buck Rogers. Star Wars. Space 1999.
Her eyes would roll and she'd ask if I'd done any fun activities at my church....

Replying 'Grandma, I turned atheists four years ago,' got a similar eye roll and a shift to what I wanted to be when I grew up.

 

[Keith&Co.]

William Taft was the 27th president of the US.
Before he was elected to that office, President McKinley appointed him as the governor of the Philippines. One day he sent a telegram to the White House stating that 'Just went for a horseback ride. Feeling great.'

Since Taft generally weighed in at 350 pounds, one of the members of the cabinet immediately replied with a worried: "How is the horse?"

 

[James Brown]

Read this this morning, and it described my formative years so well it made me laugh--because it's true.

I was a youth-group-attending evangelical teen in the 1980s, and that’s where I first began to understand the way our tribe functions. We build up celebrities, then rip into them as a warning and a reminder to others that the same can happen to them if they step out of line. Follow the rules, or else. And pay attention, because the rules keep changing.

The rules are also different for members of the tribe and for outsiders. If an outsider — a politician, football player, actor or “secular” musician — said anything positive about God, no matter how vague, we would celebrate them as a champion of Christianity as though they had just recited the Athanasian Creed and then stood before us to be baptized. Thus their fame and accomplishments became ours vicariously by virtue of that single statement. But if someone who was one of us — an evangelical — said anything that might possibly be interpreted as half-a-degree off from the acceptable line of dogma, that person would be anathematized as an apostate.

That’s why Jimmy Carter was treated like a heretic while Ronald Reagan was revered as a saint.

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, many years back, the weapons department on my first boat had training at the simulator. It ran late and some of us were stranded (my roommate had driven home hours before, the buses had stopped running, etc.). So one guy offers to give a ride to everyone who lived along his way home. Seven of us climb into his Volkswagen and off we go. On the way, someone points out that one of the guys in the car owned his own car. Why was he hitching a ride?
"Oh," he said, "my fiance is in town, so i left the car with her."
So, to show our love and respect for our shipmate, we start talking about ways we can have fun with this situation. Hold him down and give him an inexplicable hickey, lipstick on his uniform, steal his underwear, the usual stuff.
He threatens all sorts of dire consequences, like they all do. We get more and more outrageous as he gets more upset.
But we were tired after training and in the end did nothing. We pull up in front of his house, his fiance steps out onto the porch and waves. Ted starts running towards the house, waving her inside. "NO! No! Go back! Get clear!" He lookss like the only person in the movie who knows a bomb is about to go off... She stands there, confused.
We roll down the windows and shout, in lovely chorus, "Good night, sweet cheeks!" And off we went.

Monday morning, he comes in, calling each of us downright motherfucking assholes.

I guess he spent the ENTIRE weekend NOT explaining his nickname, SweetCheeks.
His fiance kept asking, "Why do they call you that?"
"They don't. They just made it up on the spot."
"I don't understand. Why would they give you a nickname like that?"
"It's not my nickname. They were teasing me."
"I don't get it."
"There's nothing to get."
She seemed hurt that he didn't trust her enough to explain how he earned the nickname. He couldn't get her to understand our humor. I can still imagine him, at midnight, screaming, "THIS! This is EXACTLY what they were hoping for!"
"If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to, but i would hope you know you COULD tell me..."
"AAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

We ended up sending her flowers. "Dear Cheryl, Ted's nickname is 'Boxer.' But that's boring. Love, the Cheeky MT's."

 

[Keith&Co.]

We ended up sending her flowers. "Dear Cheryl, Ted's nickname is 'Boxer.' But that's boring. Love, the Cheeky MT's."

Oh.
Honesty compels me to add that we 'let him off the hook' because our Chief threatened to rip our heads off if we didn't.
The fact that our chief was in the middle of a divorce might have had something to do with that...

 

[Keith&Co.]

Someone has posted a set of Rules for the office in my office.

1. Enter your time daily.
2. Turn off the lights and monitors at your desk when leaving for the day.
3. Turn off the office lights if no one remains at the end of the day.
4. Do not tie up interns and leave them for the coyotes. We do not have coyotes.
5. Do not leave classified materials unattended.
6. Do not leave proprietary materials unattended.
7. Do not leave food unattended. That's how you get coyotes.
8. All representations of submarines shall be displayed on an even keel or in a rising trim. No down angles.
9. There is a limit of 15 inflated balloons per person in all occupied spaces.
9a. For unoccupied spaces, if there are no persons, there can be no 'per-person' limit. Use your best judgment. Or whatever judgment is available..
10. Do not accuse submariners of superstition with regard to the display of submarines. You'll get left for the coyotes.
11. Any food or food-like substance with an after-taste lasting more than 45 minutes shall be pointed out to visitors.
12. Report workplace violence to Security at extension 5555. Unless it's a response to a submarine display altered to reflect a down angle, or an excess of balloons.
13. Own your own farts. Especially if they are capable of repelling coyotes.
14. Office fans are not installed for the purpose of spreading glitter.


There may be pushback on the one about interns being tied up...

 

[Loren Pechtel]

8. All representations of submarines shall be displayed on an even keel or in a rising trim. No down angles.

How about belly up?

 

[RavenSky]

Someone has posted a set of Rules for the office in my office.

1. Enter your time daily.
2. Turn off the lights and monitors at your desk when leaving for the day.
3. Turn off the office lights if no one remains at the end of the day.
4. Do not tie up interns and leave them for the coyotes. We do not have coyotes.
5. Do not leave classified materials unattended.
6. Do not leave proprietary materials unattended.
7. Do not leave food unattended. That's how you get coyotes.
8. All representations of submarines shall be displayed on an even keel or in a rising trim. No down angles.
9. There is a limit of 15 inflated balloons per person in all occupied spaces.
9a. For unoccupied spaces, if there are no persons, there can be no 'per-person' limit. Use your best judgment. Or whatever judgment is available..
10. Do not accuse submariners of superstition with regard to the display of submarines. You'll get left for the coyotes.
11. Any food or food-like substance with an after-taste lasting more than 45 minutes shall be pointed out to visitors.
12. Report workplace violence to Security at extension 5555. Unless it's a response to a submarine display altered to reflect a down angle, or an excess of balloons.
13. Own your own farts. Especially if they are capable of repelling coyotes.
14. Office fans are not installed for the purpose of spreading glitter.


There may be pushback on the one about interns being tied up...

I am wondering if those rules were written by you or because of you

 

[Angry Floof]

Someone has posted a set of Rules for the office in my office.

1. Enter your time daily.
2. Turn off the lights and monitors at your desk when leaving for the day.
3. Turn off the office lights if no one remains at the end of the day.
4. Do not tie up interns and leave them for the coyotes. We do not have coyotes.
5. Do not leave classified materials unattended.
6. Do not leave proprietary materials unattended.
7. Do not leave food unattended. That's how you get coyotes.
8. All representations of submarines shall be displayed on an even keel or in a rising trim. No down angles.
9. There is a limit of 15 inflated balloons per person in all occupied spaces.
9a. For unoccupied spaces, if there are no persons, there can be no 'per-person' limit. Use your best judgment. Or whatever judgment is available..
10. Do not accuse submariners of superstition with regard to the display of submarines. You'll get left for the coyotes.
11. Any food or food-like substance with an after-taste lasting more than 45 minutes shall be pointed out to visitors.
12. Report workplace violence to Security at extension 5555. Unless it's a response to a submarine display altered to reflect a down angle, or an excess of balloons.
13. Own your own farts. Especially if they are capable of repelling coyotes.
14. Office fans are not installed for the purpose of spreading glitter.


There may be pushback on the one about interns being tied up...

I am wondering if those rules were written by you or because of you

I'm guessing it's the latter.

 

[gmbteach]

I am wondering if those rules were written by you or because of you

I'm guessing it's the latter.

That's what I was going to say.

 

[Keith&Co.]

I am wondering if those rules were written by you or because of you

I'm not the one that tied up the intern.

And while i purchased the bacon mints (which taste like bacon for 5 minutes and like bacon fat for 45 minutes), and the bacon jelly beans, and the gravy bubble gum, I did NOT bring the toxic-waste-sour-candy into the office.

And i did not bring the glitter into the building...

So maybe they STARTED the list because of me, but just kept on going so that i couldn't complain about being specifically persecuted to HR...?

 

[RavenSky]

I am wondering if those rules were written by you or because of you

I'm not the one that tied up the intern.

And while i purchased the bacon mints (which taste like bacon for 5 minutes and like bacon fat for 45 minutes), and the bacon jelly beans, and the gravy bubble gum, I did NOT bring the toxic-waste-sour-candy into the office.

And i did not bring the glitter into the building...

So maybe they STARTED the list because of me, but just kept on going so that i couldn't complain about being specifically persecuted to HR...?

 

[bigfield]

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