Things that make you laugh...

[gmbteach]

I am wondering if those rules were written by you or because of you

I'm not the one that tied up the intern.

And while i purchased the bacon mints (which taste like bacon for 5 minutes and like bacon fat for 45 minutes), and the bacon jelly beans, and the gravy bubble gum, I did NOT bring the toxic-waste-sour-candy into the office.

And i did not bring the glitter into the building...

So maybe they STARTED the list because of me, but just kept on going so that i couldn't complain about being specifically persecuted to HR...?

Please come and visit my workplace. .

 

[Keith&Co.]

8. All representations of submarines shall be displayed on an even keel or in a rising trim. No down angles.

How about belly up?

Strangely, THAT was the pushback. The intern inverted one of the submarines and laughed.


He's been tied up for the coyotes. And the person he's actually interning for (his owner) is off for the Columbus Day Holiday....

 

[Keith&Co.]

Coworker is fantasizing about buying a boat and tooling around the Caribbean after he retires. Texted a friend to see if he wanted to pitch in, buy a yacht, both couples could bum around the islands for a while.

Due to autocorrect, he ended up telling his buddy, "If we pool our money, I'll bet we could get a sweet boy to take around the islands for some fun times."

He's been unfriended...

 

[ZiprHead]

Donald tried to get a first hand look at Steve Wynn's new resort back in the late 90s, but wanted to catch them off guard so went in with no advance people or entourage. As he's sitting down, a drunk comes over and slobberingly and loudly says "Hey, douche bag, how ya doing? Lemme buy you a drink."

The waiter interrupts the drunk and tries to get him to go back to his seat, but the guy keeps it up. "S'matta, my money not good? I said I wanna buy this douche bag a drink. You want a drink don't you buddy?" The waiter flags over the manager, who panics because he recognizes Trump so while waving over the bouncers, phones upstairs to Wynn's office to warn him that he better get there. "We've got an idiot drunk in here harassing Donal Goddamn Trump of all people. Just what you need during opening week."

Wynn comes in to the sounds of "But I jus' wanna buy that douchebag a drink. Why can't a guy buy a douchebag a drink?", as the drunk is being dragged out.

Steve goes over and says to his Maitre D', "Jacques. How did this happen? We don't allow anyone to treat our guests rudely. I expect you to be on top of this and offer Mister Trump our fullest apologies."

"Monsieur Trump??!! Alors! I am zo zorry. I was distracted for a moment and zis how you say, "riffle raffle" he slips into my lounge. Zis is horrible. We will make this up to you? Let me offer you a complimentary drink, s'il vous plait?"

"Well, thank you", says Trump, "I'll have a vinegar and water."

 

[ZiprHead]

Seen on another board.:

You know, kind of makes me wounder what 'The Donald's' secret service code name is...

"The Groper"

"Orange Fog"

"Sniffles"

"Lier McLier Face"

"DOA" (told to him as Don's Outrageously Awesome)

"Comb-over"

"Mussoteeny"

 

[Keith&Co.]

Mrs. &Co. teaches English. For some reason, her classroom is the only English classroom on her floor. So she doesn't hang out with the English department, much.
She hangs out with the Science Staff. She uses their break room, eats lunch with them, car pools to professional development.

Yesterday there was a fight. I have no idea how they got on the subject, ut the science people insist that the words 'be' and 'bee' do not rhyme.

They will admit that they sound the same, but they're uncomfortable callijng them 'rhymes.' For no reason they could express after she asked, "How the fuck are you defining 'Rhyme,' then?' (Her vocabulary is not my fault, she was a sailor for 11 years and has taught high school for 12).

Personally, I think they're obsessing on the structure. They don't like that 'e' should rhyme with 'ee.'

I suggested that she try association. Verbally get them to agree that that Be rhymes with Key. And Bee rhymes with Key. And if X=Y and Z=Y, then X=Z.

Then, just to blow their minds, show them that she was spelling 'key' as 'quay.'

 

[gmbteach]

I was teaching Geography to Prep students the other day, these guys are about 4 years old, and we were discussing their 'special place' in a lead up as to how we care for that special place.

So I start the lesson by talking about my 'special place' being my bedroom. It has a nice big comfy bed, nice blankies, my teddy bear (yes I do still have teddy bears). Then I asked the kids their special places.

I got the usual answers - my bedroom, the pool, the beach etc.....

Then one little one, who is known to have a bit of a rough background, one parent died of a drug overdose and the other is in jail for drug offenses and not likely to get out, and so he lives with poppy. Well, he put his hand up and said the 'pub' was his special place, 'well, poppy's pub'. He was adamant that the pub was his special place. Later, when we drew it, sure enough - he drew poppy's pub.

Yes, his regular teacher is aware and no, he is not in danger. He is actually being better cared for by poppy, pub and all, than his parents ever cared for him!

 

[Keith&Co.]

One of my coworkers calmly asked, "Did anyone else get the email saying that the network was down?"
Three of us said, "Hang on, I'll check," before the penny dropped. "You FUCK!"

he's still laughing.

 

[Keith&Co.]

I was stunned to be told, today, that my office division has a reputation around the company of being dour and solemn. A dismal place to work.

Beth grabbed her squirt gun and asked, "Who? Who says that?"

Katie had to console her inflated unicorn. "That makes Milkshake sad..."

Both interns said if we untie them, they'll tell everyone this is a fun office. We said, "Nice try."

The only thing I can think of is the swearing. We do swear. A lot. Some people may take this as a sign of dissatisfaction. But we're, like, 60% former military. So we just call it, Talking.

 

[RavenSky]

Seen on another board.:

You know, kind of makes me wounder what 'The Donald's' secret service code name is...

"The Groper"

"Orange Fog"

"Sniffles"

"Lier McLier Face"

"DOA" (told to him as Don's Outrageously Awesome)

"Comb-over"

"Mussoteeny"

I think one of my favorites so far has been "Sir Sniffs-a-lot"

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, i escort the wife to a Sheep And Wool festival in New York today. She's heavily into the fiber arts, I'm there for the food. And, you know, love and that sorta stuff.

Anyway, at one point, I'm sitting on the bench outside one of the barns waiting for her. An older guy sits next to me. "Anyone been thanking you?" He asks me.
"Um, no."
"All day long, people keep telling me, 'thank you.' I'm not doing anything, they just keep coming up and saying 'thanks.' What the hell, is it some new holiday?"
"I guess they're saying 'thank you for your service.' It's all the rage these days, thanking the military for not dying while we were in uniform."
"But how would anyone know i was in the service?"
"Sir, you're wearing a Korean War Veteran ball cap," I point out. I mean, literally, finger towards his forehead. He takes the hat off, reads it (his lips move) and puts it back on.
"Oh. I thought they were thanking me for bringing my wife here."

 

[thebeave]

I guess the Korean War vets are at the age now where senility is starting to really set in.

I like your attitude about the "thank you for your service" comments from strangers. I've always wondered myself how military personnel take that. Most seem gracious on the outside, but I've always wondered if they're just being polite. Is it meaningless, annoying, gratifying...or what? It always seemed like one of these "virtue signaling" things people say to make themselves feel good, without actually having to make a sacrifice or risk their own lives. Kind of like saying "I'm praying for you" to a guy screaming inside a burning van.

 

[RavenSky]

I had to meet customers at a vacant property this morning. When I arrived, their car was already in the driveway, but I didn't see them anywhere. I assumed they had walked to the backyard, so I figured I would open up the house and then go find them. I open the lockbox, and then unlock the door. Just as I start to turn the handle to open the door, a strange voice calls from inside the house asking who is at the door.

I reply that I am there to show the house. I am immediately alarmed because the house is supposed to be vacant. Split second thoughts include wondering if the house was sold and never taken off the MLS, that the property is occupied and the MLS was incorrect, that there was a squatter moved into the house...

The voice calls out that he was just finishing his breakfast and not dressed yet... as the door starts to open from the inside.

I'm backing up fast, expecting to see a naked homeless guy or a maniac killer or something...

It's my buyer and his wife.

Apparently a back door was wide open so they went in.

This isn't the first practical joke this buyer has played on me. I think he is Keith's doppelgänger.

 

[Keith&Co.]

I like your attitude about the "thank you for your service" comments from strangers. I've always wondered myself how military personnel take that. Most seem gracious on the outside, but I've always wondered if they're just being polite. Is it meaningless, annoying, gratifying...or what?

It's kind of gratifying to me. It beats the shit out of being spat on or being called a baby killer like some war and post-war periods.
It's nice, as long as they stop at 'thank you.' The ones that continue with something like 'Hey, we kicked ass in (name of conflict here)' remind me of NFL fans who pretend they're active members of the team. "Hey, we kicked ass in (name of other team's city here)."

 

[Keith&Co.]

Things Librarians Say:
http://awfullibrarybooks.net/things-librarians-say/

“No, I am not hiding the tax forms. They haven’t come in yet.”

“Yes, you must wear shoes, shirt and pants in the library.”

“What do you mean someone found a butcher knife in the toilet?”

“Yes, when there is an ‘out of order’ sign on the printer, it means it is NOT working.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t call another patron and tell them to ‘hurry up and finish’ their book so you can have your turn.”

“What is that smell?”

“No, I don’t know President Obama personally and cannot get him on the phone about your tax refund.”

“Email is not pushing a piece of paper into the disk drive.”

“No, I don’t know your password for email.”

“Guess what I found inside this book?”

“We have no plans to train kids on how to mug people. Our ‘Mug Me’ program is about decorating a coffee mug.”

“Someone better check on Porn Guy.”

“We can get you images of PAINTINGS of Jesus, but there are no PHOTOGRAPHS of Jesus.”

“It’s your turn to move the dead deer in the parking lot.”

“I know you paid a lot in 1986 for your chemistry text, but I am sorry we won’t be able to use it in the collection.”

“No, I don’t need to look at the rash on your chest.”

“Sexkitten1994 is not a good choice for an email when you are applying for a job. How about we make another one?”

“I am going to need the gloves and bleach again.”

“I’m sorry, we don’t have a special summer reading program for the gifted.”

“I’m so sorry you misunderstood that Boogie Nights is a movie not appropriate for children. It is our policy not to comment on patron choices.”

“I’m sorry you are sad, but it is not appropriate for us to put a warning label on a book if the main character dies.”

“No, I am sorry, the library staff cannot watch your baby while you run to Wal-Mart.”

“Is that blood?”

“I guess I am the ‘Head Bitch in Charge’. What can I help you with?

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, my birthday is in September. I was telling people at work about the birthday card from my oldest (A guy in a wheelchair watching a huge bonfire on top of a cake, caption: You're getting old, motherfucker.)(Now he's afraid to call and ask how I liked his gift...).
Someone looked confused.

"But on the division birthday list, you put that your birthday is April 1st."
"Yeah. That's an April Fools Joke."
"But this is October...?"
"Yeah."
"So it's not an April Fools Joke."
"Yes, it is. I SAID that my birthday is April first, so if anyone congratulates me, I get to say, 'April Fools!'"
"Yeah, on THAT DAY."
"No, on any day. If someone says it's an interesting coincidence that _I_ have a birthday on April Fools, _I_ can say, 'HA! April Fools!' Even in July. Or October."
"But then it's not April Fools DAY!" he insisted.
"But it's still an April Fools JOKE!" I insisted.
"That's against the rules!"
"SHOW ME THE RULE BOOK!" I snapped.






....another day, another appt. with the manager. Now the list reflects he birthday on my driver's license... He actually CHECKED.
In a few hours it will also include, by strange coincidence, the date each of the Star Trek series premiered (all six series), the day Star Wars opened in theaters, and the dates of Vincent Price's birth and alleged death.

I must remember to start a card on the appropriate days...

 

[ZiprHead]

[YOUTUBE]https://youtu.be/7SSOCabqCKI[/YOUTUBE]

 

[bilby]

So, my birthday is in September. I was telling people at work about the birthday card from my oldest (A guy in a wheelchair watching a huge bonfire on top of a cake, caption: You're getting old, motherfucker.)(Now he's afraid to call and ask how I liked his gift...).
Someone looked confused.

"But on the division birthday list, you put that your birthday is April 1st."
"Yeah. That's an April Fools Joke."
"But this is October...?"
"Yeah."
"So it's not an April Fools Joke."
"Yes, it is. I SAID that my birthday is April first, so if anyone congratulates me, I get to say, 'April Fools!'"
"Yeah, on THAT DAY."
"No, on any day. If someone says it's an interesting coincidence that _I_ have a birthday on April Fools, _I_ can say, 'HA! April Fools!' Even in July. Or October."
"But then it's not April Fools DAY!" he insisted.
"But it's still an April Fools JOKE!" I insisted.
"That's against the rules!"
"SHOW ME THE RULE BOOK!" I snapped.






....another day, another appt. with the manager. Now the list reflects he birthday on my driver's license... He actually CHECKED.
In a few hours it will also include, by strange coincidence, the date each of the Star Trek series premiered (all six series), the day Star Wars opened in theaters, and the dates of Vincent Price's birth and alleged death.

I must remember to start a card on the appropriate days...

Does anyone else envisage Keith&Co's office as looking something like this?

 

[Keith&Co.]

Does anyone else envisage Keith&Co's office as looking something like this?

Well, no. It looks like this:



Boss on the moment of discovering that her mosquito netting did not completely protect her office. Above her head, you can see an F-bomb waiting to drop. There are no windows, but we do have a little big of sunshine from my cubicle. And there's the glitter spreading fan....

 

[Elixir]

Does anyone else envisage Keith&Co's office as looking something like this?

Well, no. It looks like this:

View attachment 8458

Boss on the moment of discovering that her mosquito netting did not completely protect her office. Above her head, you can see an F-bomb waiting to drop. There are no windows, but we do have a little big of sunshine from my cubicle. And there's the glitter spreading fan....

Boss is cute. You can tell her I said so.