Star Wars VII - The Revenue Awakens (spoilers, but I was the last human to see it so that shouldn't be trouble)
Okay, now when I heard that this film had taken bits and pieces of the first Star Wars chapter... I mean the fourth... the one with Luke Skywalker... what I thought that meant was that bits and pieces were taken, not the entire fucking film! It is one thing to hat tip a film... or make a few hat tips, but to use nearly the same exact outline? If the title of the film didn't have Star Wars in the name, there would have been a lawsuit!
The movie starts off badly. The local village is landed in with a few ships and storm troopers come out. And all I can think is "Oh my god! Stormtroopers, how will we
ever defend ourselves!"
Then we are introduced quickly to the new baddie, also known as McDonald's Drive Up Order Voice Guy. "I want to be real bad... that'll be $17.21, please pull up to the window." What is with the face shields and helmets?! Could they stick with one original thing here? Vader had a helmet because he was jacked up in the last chapter, I mean third chapter. He had too much Vader in him... the film had too much A New Hope in it.
Oh, and the storm trooper that was kidnapped as a kid and became a stormtrooper because apparently that is how it works now. He magically has an epiphany right at the start of the film and decides the murder and mayhem (this is the first time according to the Mommy Stormtrooper) just wasn't him anymore because someone smeared blood on his helmet, something he wouldn't have actually known, because you know... helmet. And seriously, seeing a Stormtrooper die is mentally debilitating? He should have been as used to it as waking up in the morning. Stormtroopers have the worst life expectancy in the Universe, worse than Haitians. According to the UN, a stormtrooper usually doesn't make it to see the age of 25. And the lucky ones get taunted by the leadership, putting them into higher positions of power with harder to see through helmets (think near the end of the film).
But back to the epiphanied stormtrooper, he quickly gets in cahoots with this great awesome pilot who apparently couldn't be found for 3/4's of the filming of the movie, because he just kind of disappears (you are supposed to presume he is dead, but you know he isn't because this is a poorly written film). Thankfully he did survive because he was thrown from the ship which had a primarily intact body where he was and the parachute was stuck inside it
(remember back when you were supposed to think he died? because that is why they showed that, to make you think he died, but he didn't! He was inexplicably thrown from a vehicle with no hole big enough to do so). Did the writers of 2012 get involved with this film?
The best thing about this movie, short of the plagiarizing it did of the first script was how shit just happened. How apparently using the force isn't that hard... and heck, a poor girl in the middle of nowhere that clearly didn't have a blu-ray player to watch the previous films would know that mind control was even possible forget a newbie thing that could be done.
And Luke will be pissed. She arrives to find him and all of a sudden learns that she knows everything... fuck, probably can cheat death too now! What is left to teach her?
And of course, the end of the film is a bit too celebratory despite the massive losses inflicted both in the final attack and oh yeah, the home world was blown to bits (you may have remembered that happening before).
Can we talk about Han Solo? It was nice while it lasted, but I was hoping that maybe he'd have a more definitive presence in the film primarily...
...well one where he doesn't puss out. Surprised he didn't suggest his son should take yoga. "Son, I love you. Try yoga, that could help for your anger issues." The film seemed to be clearly foreshadowing him knowing he won't make it back, so you are expecting some grand sacrifice for the cause. Nope... "Seriously, son, yoga will really help stabilize your mind." *stabby*
What a fucking waste of a character. It'd be like having Boba Fett getting cold cocked and eaten by a massive buried desert beast! And I'm not even going to get into how Solo just appears to steal back the Millennium Falcon. He was searching for it, and BOOM! right there? What, did the guy pass him? And then of course, the piece of garbage machine turns out to work just fine for the entire movie.
And where are the dead Jedi's? Remember how there are supposed to be four of them (despite the fact that Vader shouldn't have known how to evade death because that was a special thing Yoda taught Obi Wan (after Moo Goo Gai Pan... I mean Rae Don Chong... Quinoa Jinn, yeah I think that was it) taught Yoda how he did it?). Granted, I suppose ignoring that actual piece of plot line that could have legitimately been used (and not considered lifting) to help the hero in the script could have been an attempt to not entirely rip off the first film.
And of course, the ending, the final attack run (oh hey guys, remember we were attacking that thing? Apparently there is another hole in it now, maybe we should do something about that? Maybe blow that thing up?) And then they go in and repeat the ending of Star Wars IV. That would have been a hat tip to the original film, had they not stolen the remainder of the film:
- Young adult in desert world with nothing left there for them (I have to get back, I'm waiting for Godot.) This is a two-fer because it steals from IV and I!
- Another planet exterminating weapon.
- Runs into an unwilling partner (remember Han Solo from the IV? You may. I mean the bad ass smuggler guy, not the yoga instructor.) but becomes more willing eventually because The First Order is evil, which oddly was why he was unwilling in the beginning too.
- Bad guy with serious Force issues and really is as whiny as Vader... so yeah... too much Vader in him.
- Death of a significant character near the end. This film diverts a bit from it A New Hope because this death was fucking meaningless and stupid. It felt like that moment when pretty boy turns to the Dark Side and you think, that's fucking it?!? 'Yes Master, should I murder children now?'
- Main hero steps it up way too much, well past what their abilities should actually be. Our hero is a better Jedi than Yoda!
- Attack run on base to finally blow up the planet... which apparently happens much easier than you'd think.
What is frustrating is that elements in this film were there for a good pair of movies (start to the poofing of the first planet, then from the poofing to end of the attack). Instead of fleshing out two full and well explained plots, they smooshed together as much as they could squeeze in, in order to justify not having enough time to need to explain why anything happens in the film.
- Why stormtrooper just decides to give up?
- What the fuck is with this mommy stormtrooper (who also is easily captured and then just makes it easy to destroy the base)?
- How could that fragment of the galaxy be uncharted, yet the main character finds rather quickly?
- Another planet destroyer? Seriously?! I thought that was a joke by people.
- How did that woman get the lightsaber?
- How in the world did the piece of garbage Millennium Falcon work to start with and work the entire film?
I didn't watch the film in the theater because I thought the film wouldn't be worth it. A decent to watch movie, but nothing stellar. So I didn't have high hopes. What I didn't expect was a movie that was a remixed version of A New Hope, more so than the Into the Darkness Star Trek film was with Wrath of Khan. The one saving grace is that the Pretty Boy isn't in this film, and the acting at no real point, in the movie (other than Carrie Fisher) was bad. So the only thing making you (alright, a hypercritical me) roll the eyes is the transparent copied plot.
1.8 of 4 (0.2 star deduction for no Wedge Antilles, yes I know he said he didn't want to be in the film)
And that includes throwing away the map. 
