Words you do NOT want in your obituary

[ideologyhunter]

"...killed by the surviving captive in his basement..."

 

[athee]

"..due to a self inflicted .."
".. from an untreated .."
".. failing to control his car .."
"..an allergic reaction to .."
"..due to cancer of the.."

 

[ZiprHead]

"alien parasite"

 

[hurtinbuckaroo]

"Explosive diarrhea"

 

[bilby]

"...after he forgot to pay the accommodation bill for their wedding by the deadline. Police are yet to charge his fiancée, citing mitigating circumstances..."

 

[Deepak]

With a melon!?

 

[Crowcause]

"after living in a nursing home for the last several years..."

 

[spikepipsqueak]

"... with fava beans and a nice chianti."



" ... an area of several meters."



" ... launched into space to protect the environment."



" ... remains returned in a canister."


" ... by ducks."

 

[bigfield]

"Several organisations have claimed credit..."

"The manufacturer has issued a recall of the faulty..."

 

[Thomas II]

"Transporter malfunction"

"re-materialization failed"

 

[Keith&Co.]

"...the survivors were said to envy the dead..."

"...inspired at least four country-western songs by the end..."

"...paralyzed from the neck up..."

 

[Elixir]

"junctional tourniquet"

 

[Hickdive]

"...with a half-life of 50,000 years..."

 

[Keith&Co.]

"...despite a dozen restraining orders and a pinky-swear to avoid confrontation with the group..."

"A familiar face in News of the Weird, his last entry..."

"...died peacefully from a stroke so massive doctors insist he felt no pain. The patient he was performing surgery on at the time, however..."

 

[spikepipsqueak]

" ... when the brackets securing her bookcases to the wall ..."


" ... laughed so hard while eating a hard boiled egg ..."

" ... washed up, naked."

 

[bilby]

...washed up...

(in any of the senses of the phrase)

 

[Thomas II]

...survived by his collection of porcelain dolls and Maurice, his frog...

 

[Keith&Co.]

"... unsuccessful penis transplant ..."

I'm going to say, I don't even want my name connected to a successful penis transplant.

 

[prideandfall]

"husband"

"father"

"kind" or any variation on that including "generous" and "charitable"

"good works"

... actually make that just any words whatsoever.
i want people to react to my death the same way they'd react to the news that water successfully passed through a water pipe: just an acknowledgment of a thing that happened that was supposed to, so who cares.

 

[Keith&Co.]

So you don't want an obituary as much as a status update so people won't get upset waiting for you to reply to their emails.