Godless Raven
Member
Wasn't sure what to title this thread, where to place it or whether or not I should really post it, but I've made some major changes in my life in the last 2 months and I need to get it off my chest and would be interested in any thoughts/comments/questions anyone has. I'm going to give you a bunch of background info about my experience with the topic (some of the info I've shared over the years on FRDB, some I have never shared with anyone). I'm open to any thoughts or opinions and I expect some will have a challenge understanding where I'm coming from.
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Here goes...
I'm 43 years old. I've always been a big person, I'm around 6'5, weigh anywhere from 250-275lbs over the past 15 years. I've enjoyed the fuck out of being bigger and naturally stronger than other people. I've never taken advantage of it and bullied small people, but it's meant certain advantages that are hard to explain...little things...like never being picked last for physical sports (regardless of a lack of talent in many cases
), being asked to reach for things, small psychological advantages (including a slight advantage in job interviews and other ridiculous situations).
On the down side...I can also carry a high body fat content very easily if I don't watch diet and don't work out. I can stay strong and big but it...don't look good...and it don't feel great. Yet, for many years through my life I've cruised like that too. But then there were other times...for example:
Ages 19-23 I became very serious about power lifting and physique building. I was obsessed like a machine. I worked out with weights 6 days a week, and did cardio 7 days a week. At one point, I went almost 2 months with less than 100g of carbs a day, many days with zero all to lose the last bits of body fat I had. But...even with all my natural advantages and a pretty decent frame for bodybuilding...I could not look anything like the bodybuilders I was idolizing at the time. I didn't realize it at the time, but a almost every single one of my heroes were taking massive amounts of performance enhancing drugs to get the look they had.
At the age of 21 I was in the best shape I'd ever attained. I weighed 245lbs and had about 9-10% body fat. I started working in security at a casino in its first year and I was hired along with about 12 other big meatheads. There were 3 or 4 guys that were naturally bigger than me. There were power lifters (provincially ranked ones), body builders (with way better physiques than me) and a bunch of bouncer types that worked out a lot. We would often go to a 24 gym together after shifts in groups of 4-6. I was blown away. Over half the guys could out lift me, had better stamina and could work out for several hours where I was burned out after 1-2. Their workouts were more intense. Their results...superior.
I started getting close with two of these guys, probably the two strongest in the group...one was a favorite to win his class in powerlifting that year and possibly set some records (I'll call him Paul). The other was an bodybuilder who prided himself in being completely drug free and competitive strength wise with steroid users (I'll call him Darren). Paul revealed to me that he was taking anabolics and other drugs to enhance his abilities and he had been for about 3 years. (He also went bald in his early 20's and looked like he was 35 but that's another story). He told me he could get me a variety of steroids if I was interested. I told him no. Secretly, I thought about it...a lot. Darren would also talk to me about drugs...he was constantly tempted with them at the gym...he felt enormous pressure to represent the drug free lifters but saw guys with less talent surpass him in record time. He also told me if I ever decided I wanted to try them, he could get them for me.
Months went by, I worked out with these two and others and my progression was slowing down significantly...it appeared I'd flat lined with my natural talents. (Or looking back...I convinced myself of this regardless of how true it was) and I got 200 dianabol pills 5mg's each. I knew approximately how to "cycle" them, but I had zero education or plan for how to return my natural testosterone back to normal after using or what side effects might happen. The results were mind blowing. In 2 months I went from 245lbs to 265lbs and couldn't fit most of my clothes anymore. My strength went through the roof. I got big so fast I remember horrible pain in the skin of my arms because it couldn't expand fast enough. There were side effects. Nose bleeds, blood pressure up, near the end of month two minor erectile dysfunction (when at that age I could keep a hard on for an hour easily before) and my blood started getting very dark due to strain on my organs. I stopped taking them and continued lifting. I was able to keep about 5lbs of muscle after water and fat were reduced and some of the gains went away without the added steroids.
Unfortunately...during that time...I got so many gawd damned compliments and had surpassed nearly all my coworkers (minus Paul, Darren and one other guy) in lifts...I was addicted. I knew I'd never be a competitive bodybuilder..that's not why I was doing it...I wanted to be big and strong...that's it. Well...after a few months, most of that was gone along with the drugs, so I decided to take more risks...through Darren I ordered vials of intramuscular steroids (testosterone, equipoise - which is for horses!) and some proper med's to support my natural testosterone after cycles as well as something to prevent mass production of estrogen during cycle. But I was now injecting myself with oils without any clue what I was doing. I researched what I could (without the internet) and just did it.
I won't go in to details on this post, but I nearly killed myself with my first injection...no big deal. After that it went better, but after 2 months I'd developed abscesses in my glutes, backne, and more nose bleeds. My technique with the injections was horrible in retrospect, but I just had no clue what I was doing. My physique transformation was mind blowing and easily beat what I'd achieved with my first experimentation. I looked great and I was so strong I felt like a superhuman. Then my dad caught me. Found the gear and needles in my room. He was so hurt and upset and angry he wanted to kick me out. He was convinced it was heroin!!! When I told him what it really was, he was relieved but at the same time nearly as horrified. I promised to quit and I did. I also got out of weight training about 6 months later.
Okay...so fast forward to age 27. I'm living with my girlfriend (now my wife) and I decided I want to get back in to weight training again. She'd seen photos and I liked to talk about it, so she encouraged it. Went out and bought me $1500 worth of gym equipment as a surprise!!!! I trained for 2 years. No drugs, only legal supplements and good food. I started to get in to decent shape. When I started though, I was like 260lbs with at least 20% body fat which looked awful. After 2 years, I was around 235lbs (the lightest I'd been since aged 17) and was actually kinda skinny for the first and only time in my life. Again I got so many compliments (and female coworkers desperately seeking weight loss advice to the point where I started an lunch group to discuss and support them lol). I got addicted again.
Then I had a really bad slip and fall off of the roof of our house while cleaning eavesdroughs. I landed on my back/neck and it took me half a decade of therapy to get to the point where I could comfortably grocery shop without pain meds. weight training was done. I got so down on myself physically I got fatter than last time. About 270lbs with 99.9% bodyfat I was really depressed about it, but eventually just gave up and didn't care.
Fast forward to 2 years ago. I tried starting it up again on 3 occasions but unlike the rest of my life I wasn't strong the same way anymore. Eventually that natural gift diminished. So slow I hadn't really noticed. I assumed, if I wanted to, on call I could be as strong as a moose. I was wrong. One thing I didn't mention, is growing up I had an uncanny ability to heal, both from intense work outs but also from serious injury. I could take it easy lifting weights for a couple of weeks then jump right back in to heavy weights. Well...that's all gone now. Fucking all of it. If I lift, I can't lift heavy. If I have a light intensity work out, my muscles hurt for days and my motivation is ziltch.
My favorite sport is mixed martial arts and two years ago there was enormous discussion and controversy about something called TRT (Testosterone Replacement Therapy) in the sport. This is therapy prescribed by a doctor to give a patient regular testosterone to add to their body's lack of natural production. The results in the MMA fighters using TRT was amazing. Their physiques never looked better. 40 year olds were winning titles. Things called "Wellness Clinics" and "Anti-aging Clinics" started popping up all over the US using testosterone and Human Growth Hormone Therapy as anti-aging therapy. This had already been going on across Europe for decades.
Canada, where I'm from has next to none of this. The education on TRT and GH therapy is next to zero. Most doctors think "Ben Johnson" when they hear "steroids". There does appear to be an exception in Calgary, where they do have a couple of these clinics.
I spent many many hours this last two years researching the therapy. Everything from the exact meds used, the types of shots, the proper way to do them, combating side effects etc etc hoping one day my province would allow the therapy.
There's one other issue I haven't mentioned...my wife knows I used anabolics in my 20's and she had a physically/psycholically abusive bouncer ex and told me if I ever did them again, she'd leave me...no questions asked. So there's that.
Well...about 3 months ago something happened that shook me and changed me in ways that are hard to articulate. I was driving home from picking my wife up from work in heavy traffic. At one point, the vehicle in front of me dropped its speed by about 15mph for no apparent reason. My vehicle caught up to him and he hit his breaks as a "back off" warning. We were approaching a traffic light that was going to be changing soon and I couldn't figure out why this guy was slowing down so much since he wasn't turning. He slowed down even more. Now I had a line up of vehicles riding up my tail, horns honking etc. We got through the light and this guy slowed down to around 5-10mph barely passed an idle. more traffic built up behind us and he slowed own to idle speed. The traffic was so heavy going both ways there was no way to pass, everyone was stuck behind this idiot.
I just repeatedly shook my head at him as he stared/glared at me in his side mirror and rear view mirror. Finally traffic coming the other way opened up and I floored it in an attempt to pass him. He floored it in his car and attempted to drive me in to oncoming traffic and swerved at my vehicle a couple of times. My wife began recording this with her cell phone. He then slammed on his breaks and parked diagonal blocking traffic in both directions and preventing me from leaving the situation and jumped out of his car. I could tell my wife was scared. She's never been scared with me anywhere. I always felt like she felt safe with me in any scenario...not this one. The guy was about 22-25ish. He was in good shape. He appeared to be raging way beyond anything appropriate for what had just happened and...he tried opening my car door...I assume to try drag me out of the car.
I should say...if this were 10 years ago...20 years ago...25 years ago...I would have been out of the car before he made it to mine and would have beat the fucking shit out of him for trying to kill me playing road games. But I didn't get out. Something inside told me it was potentially dangerous if I did. So I told him through the window "get back in your car or your day is going to get a lot worse" and he kept screaming...actually making himself more and more angry. He wouldn't leave. Cars were still all bumper to bumper trying to figure out what was going on. My wife motioned to him that she was recording him and he mumbled something and told her to fuck off. At that point, I took off my seat belt. My concern/fear left me and I was ready to confront him. I just can't let someone openly disrespect the love of my life like that.
Yet...I didn't get out. I couldn't explain it. It was like I was paralyzed with fear and felt zero confidence in my physical ability to protect myself or my family. This devastated me. I didn't show it outwardly, but inside, it affected me in unexpected ways. I couldn't sleep at night, I replayed the scenario a billion times trying to end it differently. But nothing. On the way home after the incident my wife said "he's lucky I wouldn't let you out of the car or you'd have smashed him". I wasn't sure if she believed it. I knew she thought I believed it and had no idea that I was second guessing myself.
So...a month of that went by, where I haunted myself with the realization that my feeling of being strong and safe were a mirage, a facade. That was the old me, this was...the OLD me. I knew throughout my life (because of blood work and my behavior) that I had a fairly high testosterone level. I also knew that through nature this declines every year after around the age of 25-30 in males and continues until death. I knew it would assist in recovery times working out, stamina, strength, confidence, as well as huge list of other functions testosterone plays in the male body. I decided I was going to get a hold of a theraputic amount of testosterone, the same exact type the wellness clinics use, and apply that amount to myself to see how it affected me. I acquired said products (this is, it goes without saying, all hypothetical and for educational purposes, I would never acquire any of these things). I gave myself my first dose. Nobody on the planet but me knew I did this.
Within a week I started having dry heaves and they got progressively worse. I don't like lying or keeping secrets from my wife. She trusts me 100%, and I was doing something I had reason to believe would really, really upset her and would get me in serious hot water...possibly even effecting our relationship...WTF WAS I DOING!??
It got to the point where she noticed and suggested I go to the doctor.
Anyway...I should add, I had struggled through workouts from the night the incident happened with road rager in traffic, same results, lots of pain and not much more. So...the first sign of effect was on day 2...out of nowhere I got an erection like nothing I'd seen since my teens! I couldn't believe it, but thought it was pretty freaking awesome. Unfortunately, I couldn't really share that with my wife, since...for other reasons, our sex life has been nearly non-existent for a decade. So I kept that result to myself. My workouts still hurt like a sonofabitch and of course, you don't get muscles overnight. Even with chemical assistance.
By the end of week one, I was able to add 20 min of cardio daily to my routine and noticed I wasn't feeling as tired and weirdly my lungs were taking in more air than normal. By the end of week two I started noticing some other changes...erections continued throughout this time and by the end of week 2 I would do 30-40 min of cardio, get off the machine and my legs would instantly feel like they hadn't worked out at all. I could get back on and it was like I was starting new. I'd never felt that in my life. Not even in my 20's with my chemical experiments. The dry heaves continued.
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So one night, I confessed to my wife. I told her there was a reason for the dry heaves, I'd been keeping something from her and that I felt that horrible. I apologized profusely before realizing I hadn't said what it was I was feeling so bad for. Then I told her "this isn't steroids, but it's enough like it that I am worried you'll feel the same and not want me around any more". I told her about some of my body changes and how I was starting to feel huge surges of energy that I hadn't found before.
We talked for 2 straight hours. She asked what my goal was, how I was doing it, the legalities, the physical risks, the benefits. She asked me to show her my research including administration of the drugs and how to properly monitor effects. I did. I confessed to her that for the first time in my life age was really bothering me. That I was feeling depressed and I confided in her how the road rage incident made me feel as "a man".
I figured...at best, she'd tell me to quit and I'd be in the dog house majorly for a long time. She completely shocked me and told me after seeing everything was under control and relatively risk free that she supported me 100%. You can never know how much those words meant to me that day. It took an ENORMOUS weight from my shoulders and finally it meant I could try combat the effects of aging and change my body to what I want it to be. To take it to the limits it can go and then some.
So it's been a couple of months. I forgot to mention but the time of the road rage incident I had reached a dangerous point weight wise and was shocked when I weighed in at 298lbs (estimated body fat 125%). So here I am two months later. The TRT has continued to have benefits on a near daily basis. I can run cardio as long as I want, twice a day if I feel like it. I clean up around the house more and have energy to do tons of things I would have passed on. My diet is clean, REALLY clean. I don't drink alcohol at all. I stopped smoking marijuana (I'd been using daily for 15 years). I have been able to drop an anti-depressant/painkiller med I've been on since my fall and have never felt happier or more pain free! My back and neck are more flexible than I can ever recall. My temper? Anger? Nearly non-existent. My mood in general has been so elevated and my confidence level has been so much higher for the first time in my life, I don't get stressed in traffic!
And...and this is a BIG and...somehow, through all of this, partially by coincidence, my wife had already decided emotionally she wanted the two of us to try be intimate again and try to do it somewhat regularly (I'm guessing once a month, maybe). Since I've been open with her and she's seen my body transformation taking place...we have been fucking, sucking like teenagers experimenting. It's not just the ability to have erections when I want, for as long as I want now...it's something I can't quite explain...growing up I was always very attracted to women, but there were certain things I knew my friends really liked that I did not get turned on by...for example "the scent of a woman" as Pacino called it. Never got it...in fact often was turned off by it. Now...I swear, I can smell my wife's coochie upwind from 50 yards away and it's the most intoxicating thing I've ever experienced. I feel like a hunter when I see her, like I'm a lion in the Savannah and she's some poor unsuspecting gazel that has no idea. I've explained this to her and it seems to excite her so...BONUS! There's other things too...going down on her. I've gone down on lots of girls in my life, but never really got anything out of it myself...I knew guys that did, and always thought that was weird. Now...I could do it for 10 hours straight and still not get enough. I'm addicted to everything...even just touching her skin feels like touching a partners skin for the first time when you're younger and dating.
Oh yeah...and weight training? I went from struggling with a 150lbs bench press (I used to be able to do 300lbs without working out) to being able to pump out 275lbs for 12 reps easily. I've had to buy new weight plates every 3 or 4 days since this started. Even my connective tissues seem to be healing slightly faster than normal.
And that guy from the road rage incident? Couldn't care less. If I saw him tomorrow, I wouldn't look twice. If he ever tried dragging me out of his car again...he might have a different experience, but other than that...it's done as far as I'm concerned. I'm too high on life to care about stupid shit like that.
So here's the thing...I don't ever want to stop. I don't ever want to go back to feeling the way I did. The only thing I'd like to do is possibly start doing HGH therapy in a few years when it's more practical financially.
I do really want to emphasize I'm not promoting anyone else do what I do (nor am I discouraging it).
Thoughts/suggestions/concerns/questions?
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Here goes...
I'm 43 years old. I've always been a big person, I'm around 6'5, weigh anywhere from 250-275lbs over the past 15 years. I've enjoyed the fuck out of being bigger and naturally stronger than other people. I've never taken advantage of it and bullied small people, but it's meant certain advantages that are hard to explain...little things...like never being picked last for physical sports (regardless of a lack of talent in many cases
), being asked to reach for things, small psychological advantages (including a slight advantage in job interviews and other ridiculous situations). On the down side...I can also carry a high body fat content very easily if I don't watch diet and don't work out. I can stay strong and big but it...don't look good...and it don't feel great. Yet, for many years through my life I've cruised like that too. But then there were other times...for example:
Ages 19-23 I became very serious about power lifting and physique building. I was obsessed like a machine. I worked out with weights 6 days a week, and did cardio 7 days a week. At one point, I went almost 2 months with less than 100g of carbs a day, many days with zero all to lose the last bits of body fat I had. But...even with all my natural advantages and a pretty decent frame for bodybuilding...I could not look anything like the bodybuilders I was idolizing at the time. I didn't realize it at the time, but a almost every single one of my heroes were taking massive amounts of performance enhancing drugs to get the look they had.
At the age of 21 I was in the best shape I'd ever attained. I weighed 245lbs and had about 9-10% body fat. I started working in security at a casino in its first year and I was hired along with about 12 other big meatheads. There were 3 or 4 guys that were naturally bigger than me. There were power lifters (provincially ranked ones), body builders (with way better physiques than me) and a bunch of bouncer types that worked out a lot. We would often go to a 24 gym together after shifts in groups of 4-6. I was blown away. Over half the guys could out lift me, had better stamina and could work out for several hours where I was burned out after 1-2. Their workouts were more intense. Their results...superior.
I started getting close with two of these guys, probably the two strongest in the group...one was a favorite to win his class in powerlifting that year and possibly set some records (I'll call him Paul). The other was an bodybuilder who prided himself in being completely drug free and competitive strength wise with steroid users (I'll call him Darren). Paul revealed to me that he was taking anabolics and other drugs to enhance his abilities and he had been for about 3 years. (He also went bald in his early 20's and looked like he was 35 but that's another story). He told me he could get me a variety of steroids if I was interested. I told him no. Secretly, I thought about it...a lot. Darren would also talk to me about drugs...he was constantly tempted with them at the gym...he felt enormous pressure to represent the drug free lifters but saw guys with less talent surpass him in record time. He also told me if I ever decided I wanted to try them, he could get them for me.
Months went by, I worked out with these two and others and my progression was slowing down significantly...it appeared I'd flat lined with my natural talents. (Or looking back...I convinced myself of this regardless of how true it was) and I got 200 dianabol pills 5mg's each. I knew approximately how to "cycle" them, but I had zero education or plan for how to return my natural testosterone back to normal after using or what side effects might happen. The results were mind blowing. In 2 months I went from 245lbs to 265lbs and couldn't fit most of my clothes anymore. My strength went through the roof. I got big so fast I remember horrible pain in the skin of my arms because it couldn't expand fast enough. There were side effects. Nose bleeds, blood pressure up, near the end of month two minor erectile dysfunction (when at that age I could keep a hard on for an hour easily before) and my blood started getting very dark due to strain on my organs. I stopped taking them and continued lifting. I was able to keep about 5lbs of muscle after water and fat were reduced and some of the gains went away without the added steroids.
Unfortunately...during that time...I got so many gawd damned compliments and had surpassed nearly all my coworkers (minus Paul, Darren and one other guy) in lifts...I was addicted. I knew I'd never be a competitive bodybuilder..that's not why I was doing it...I wanted to be big and strong...that's it. Well...after a few months, most of that was gone along with the drugs, so I decided to take more risks...through Darren I ordered vials of intramuscular steroids (testosterone, equipoise - which is for horses!) and some proper med's to support my natural testosterone after cycles as well as something to prevent mass production of estrogen during cycle. But I was now injecting myself with oils without any clue what I was doing. I researched what I could (without the internet) and just did it.
I won't go in to details on this post, but I nearly killed myself with my first injection...no big deal. After that it went better, but after 2 months I'd developed abscesses in my glutes, backne, and more nose bleeds. My technique with the injections was horrible in retrospect, but I just had no clue what I was doing. My physique transformation was mind blowing and easily beat what I'd achieved with my first experimentation. I looked great and I was so strong I felt like a superhuman. Then my dad caught me. Found the gear and needles in my room. He was so hurt and upset and angry he wanted to kick me out. He was convinced it was heroin!!! When I told him what it really was, he was relieved but at the same time nearly as horrified. I promised to quit and I did. I also got out of weight training about 6 months later.
Okay...so fast forward to age 27. I'm living with my girlfriend (now my wife) and I decided I want to get back in to weight training again. She'd seen photos and I liked to talk about it, so she encouraged it. Went out and bought me $1500 worth of gym equipment as a surprise!!!! I trained for 2 years. No drugs, only legal supplements and good food. I started to get in to decent shape. When I started though, I was like 260lbs with at least 20% body fat which looked awful. After 2 years, I was around 235lbs (the lightest I'd been since aged 17) and was actually kinda skinny for the first and only time in my life. Again I got so many compliments (and female coworkers desperately seeking weight loss advice to the point where I started an lunch group to discuss and support them lol). I got addicted again.
Then I had a really bad slip and fall off of the roof of our house while cleaning eavesdroughs. I landed on my back/neck and it took me half a decade of therapy to get to the point where I could comfortably grocery shop without pain meds. weight training was done. I got so down on myself physically I got fatter than last time. About 270lbs with 99.9% bodyfat
I was really depressed about it, but eventually just gave up and didn't care. Fast forward to 2 years ago. I tried starting it up again on 3 occasions but unlike the rest of my life I wasn't strong the same way anymore. Eventually that natural gift diminished. So slow I hadn't really noticed. I assumed, if I wanted to, on call I could be as strong as a moose. I was wrong. One thing I didn't mention, is growing up I had an uncanny ability to heal, both from intense work outs but also from serious injury. I could take it easy lifting weights for a couple of weeks then jump right back in to heavy weights. Well...that's all gone now. Fucking all of it. If I lift, I can't lift heavy. If I have a light intensity work out, my muscles hurt for days and my motivation is ziltch.
My favorite sport is mixed martial arts and two years ago there was enormous discussion and controversy about something called TRT (Testosterone Replacement Therapy) in the sport. This is therapy prescribed by a doctor to give a patient regular testosterone to add to their body's lack of natural production. The results in the MMA fighters using TRT was amazing. Their physiques never looked better. 40 year olds were winning titles. Things called "Wellness Clinics" and "Anti-aging Clinics" started popping up all over the US using testosterone and Human Growth Hormone Therapy as anti-aging therapy. This had already been going on across Europe for decades.
Canada, where I'm from has next to none of this. The education on TRT and GH therapy is next to zero. Most doctors think "Ben Johnson" when they hear "steroids". There does appear to be an exception in Calgary, where they do have a couple of these clinics.
I spent many many hours this last two years researching the therapy. Everything from the exact meds used, the types of shots, the proper way to do them, combating side effects etc etc hoping one day my province would allow the therapy.
There's one other issue I haven't mentioned...my wife knows I used anabolics in my 20's and she had a physically/psycholically abusive bouncer ex and told me if I ever did them again, she'd leave me...no questions asked. So there's that.
Well...about 3 months ago something happened that shook me and changed me in ways that are hard to articulate. I was driving home from picking my wife up from work in heavy traffic. At one point, the vehicle in front of me dropped its speed by about 15mph for no apparent reason. My vehicle caught up to him and he hit his breaks as a "back off" warning. We were approaching a traffic light that was going to be changing soon and I couldn't figure out why this guy was slowing down so much since he wasn't turning. He slowed down even more. Now I had a line up of vehicles riding up my tail, horns honking etc. We got through the light and this guy slowed down to around 5-10mph barely passed an idle. more traffic built up behind us and he slowed own to idle speed. The traffic was so heavy going both ways there was no way to pass, everyone was stuck behind this idiot.
I just repeatedly shook my head at him as he stared/glared at me in his side mirror and rear view mirror. Finally traffic coming the other way opened up and I floored it in an attempt to pass him. He floored it in his car and attempted to drive me in to oncoming traffic and swerved at my vehicle a couple of times. My wife began recording this with her cell phone. He then slammed on his breaks and parked diagonal blocking traffic in both directions and preventing me from leaving the situation and jumped out of his car. I could tell my wife was scared. She's never been scared with me anywhere. I always felt like she felt safe with me in any scenario...not this one. The guy was about 22-25ish. He was in good shape. He appeared to be raging way beyond anything appropriate for what had just happened and...he tried opening my car door...I assume to try drag me out of the car.
I should say...if this were 10 years ago...20 years ago...25 years ago...I would have been out of the car before he made it to mine and would have beat the fucking shit out of him for trying to kill me playing road games. But I didn't get out. Something inside told me it was potentially dangerous if I did. So I told him through the window "get back in your car or your day is going to get a lot worse" and he kept screaming...actually making himself more and more angry. He wouldn't leave. Cars were still all bumper to bumper trying to figure out what was going on. My wife motioned to him that she was recording him and he mumbled something and told her to fuck off. At that point, I took off my seat belt. My concern/fear left me and I was ready to confront him. I just can't let someone openly disrespect the love of my life like that.
Yet...I didn't get out. I couldn't explain it. It was like I was paralyzed with fear and felt zero confidence in my physical ability to protect myself or my family. This devastated me. I didn't show it outwardly, but inside, it affected me in unexpected ways. I couldn't sleep at night, I replayed the scenario a billion times trying to end it differently. But nothing. On the way home after the incident my wife said "he's lucky I wouldn't let you out of the car or you'd have smashed him". I wasn't sure if she believed it. I knew she thought I believed it and had no idea that I was second guessing myself.
So...a month of that went by, where I haunted myself with the realization that my feeling of being strong and safe were a mirage, a facade. That was the old me, this was...the OLD me. I knew throughout my life (because of blood work and my behavior) that I had a fairly high testosterone level. I also knew that through nature this declines every year after around the age of 25-30 in males and continues until death. I knew it would assist in recovery times working out, stamina, strength, confidence, as well as huge list of other functions testosterone plays in the male body. I decided I was going to get a hold of a theraputic amount of testosterone, the same exact type the wellness clinics use, and apply that amount to myself to see how it affected me. I acquired said products (this is, it goes without saying, all hypothetical and for educational purposes, I would never acquire any of these things). I gave myself my first dose. Nobody on the planet but me knew I did this.
Within a week I started having dry heaves and they got progressively worse. I don't like lying or keeping secrets from my wife. She trusts me 100%, and I was doing something I had reason to believe would really, really upset her and would get me in serious hot water...possibly even effecting our relationship...WTF WAS I DOING!??
It got to the point where she noticed and suggested I go to the doctor.
Anyway...I should add, I had struggled through workouts from the night the incident happened with road rager in traffic, same results, lots of pain and not much more. So...the first sign of effect was on day 2...out of nowhere I got an erection like nothing I'd seen since my teens!
I couldn't believe it, but thought it was pretty freaking awesome. Unfortunately, I couldn't really share that with my wife, since...for other reasons, our sex life has been nearly non-existent for a decade. So I kept that result to myself. My workouts still hurt like a sonofabitch and of course, you don't get muscles overnight. Even with chemical assistance. By the end of week one, I was able to add 20 min of cardio daily to my routine and noticed I wasn't feeling as tired and weirdly my lungs were taking in more air than normal. By the end of week two I started noticing some other changes...erections continued throughout this time and by the end of week 2 I would do 30-40 min of cardio, get off the machine and my legs would instantly feel like they hadn't worked out at all. I could get back on and it was like I was starting new. I'd never felt that in my life. Not even in my 20's with my chemical experiments. The dry heaves continued.
- - - Updated - - -
So one night, I confessed to my wife. I told her there was a reason for the dry heaves, I'd been keeping something from her and that I felt that horrible. I apologized profusely before realizing I hadn't said what it was I was feeling so bad for. Then I told her "this isn't steroids, but it's enough like it that I am worried you'll feel the same and not want me around any more". I told her about some of my body changes and how I was starting to feel huge surges of energy that I hadn't found before.
We talked for 2 straight hours. She asked what my goal was, how I was doing it, the legalities, the physical risks, the benefits. She asked me to show her my research including administration of the drugs and how to properly monitor effects. I did. I confessed to her that for the first time in my life age was really bothering me. That I was feeling depressed and I confided in her how the road rage incident made me feel as "a man".
I figured...at best, she'd tell me to quit and I'd be in the dog house majorly for a long time. She completely shocked me and told me after seeing everything was under control and relatively risk free that she supported me 100%. You can never know how much those words meant to me that day. It took an ENORMOUS weight from my shoulders and finally it meant I could try combat the effects of aging and change my body to what I want it to be. To take it to the limits it can go and then some.
So it's been a couple of months. I forgot to mention but the time of the road rage incident I had reached a dangerous point weight wise and was shocked when I weighed in at 298lbs (estimated body fat 125%). So here I am two months later. The TRT has continued to have benefits on a near daily basis. I can run cardio as long as I want, twice a day if I feel like it. I clean up around the house more and have energy to do tons of things I would have passed on. My diet is clean, REALLY clean. I don't drink alcohol at all. I stopped smoking marijuana (I'd been using daily for 15 years). I have been able to drop an anti-depressant/painkiller med I've been on since my fall and have never felt happier or more pain free! My back and neck are more flexible than I can ever recall. My temper? Anger? Nearly non-existent. My mood in general has been so elevated and my confidence level has been so much higher for the first time in my life, I don't get stressed in traffic!
And...and this is a BIG and...somehow, through all of this, partially by coincidence, my wife had already decided emotionally she wanted the two of us to try be intimate again and try to do it somewhat regularly (I'm guessing once a month, maybe). Since I've been open with her and she's seen my body transformation taking place...we have been fucking, sucking like teenagers experimenting. It's not just the ability to have erections when I want, for as long as I want now...it's something I can't quite explain...growing up I was always very attracted to women, but there were certain things I knew my friends really liked that I did not get turned on by...for example "the scent of a woman" as Pacino called it. Never got it...in fact often was turned off by it. Now...I swear, I can smell my wife's coochie upwind from 50 yards away and it's the most intoxicating thing I've ever experienced. I feel like a hunter when I see her, like I'm a lion in the Savannah and she's some poor unsuspecting gazel that has no idea. I've explained this to her and it seems to excite her so...BONUS! There's other things too...going down on her. I've gone down on lots of girls in my life, but never really got anything out of it myself...I knew guys that did, and always thought that was weird. Now...I could do it for 10 hours straight and still not get enough. I'm addicted to everything...even just touching her skin feels like touching a partners skin for the first time when you're younger and dating.
Oh yeah...and weight training? I went from struggling with a 150lbs bench press (I used to be able to do 300lbs without working out) to being able to pump out 275lbs for 12 reps easily. I've had to buy new weight plates every 3 or 4 days since this started. Even my connective tissues seem to be healing slightly faster than normal.
And that guy from the road rage incident? Couldn't care less. If I saw him tomorrow, I wouldn't look twice. If he ever tried dragging me out of his car again...he might have a different experience, but other than that...it's done as far as I'm concerned. I'm too high on life to care about stupid shit like that.
So here's the thing...I don't ever want to stop. I don't ever want to go back to feeling the way I did. The only thing I'd like to do is possibly start doing HGH therapy in a few years when it's more practical financially.
I do really want to emphasize I'm not promoting anyone else do what I do (nor am I discouraging it).
Thoughts/suggestions/concerns/questions?
