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Joke gallery

 
 
 
SLD said:
An atheist dies and finds himself in hell. The Devil says, “Welcome to Hell! You’ve wasted your entire life to find out you were wrong!”

The atheist shrugs his shoulders and replies, “Well, at least I’m not an adult still living in my father’s basement.”
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If God is your father you are living in his (overheated) basement.
 
Tigers! said:
SLD said:
An atheist dies and finds himself in hell. The Devil says, “Welcome to Hell! You’ve wasted your entire life to find out you were wrong!”

The atheist shrugs his shoulders and replies, “Well, at least I’m not an adult still living in my father’s basement.”
Click to expand...
If God is your father you are living in his (overheated) basement.
Click to expand...
Wasn’t that the point of the joke?
 
Can you lick the science?

Chemistry: NO!!! Do NOT!!!
Geology: Sometimes needed, sometimes dangerous.
Psychology: Best not.
Physics: WTF??? How???
Zoology: The science licks you.
Computer Science: The tingle of electricity through your tongue is how you know it's working.
Software Engineering: Nothing else has made the code work, so you might as well give it a try.
Astronomy: Look, if your dedication to lick Uranus is what it takes to get humankind to another planet, then so be it.
 
A downbeat-looking guy sits down at a bar counter and says, "Gimme three shots of your best whiskey."
The barkeep says, "Well, that would be Johnnie Walker Blue, and that will set you back $25 a shot."
The guy says, "I don't care. Just pour 'em out."
The barkeep pours the shots and the guy picks up each one and swallows it down, all in under a minute. The barkeep says, "You really are drinking with a purpose."
The guy says, "Yes, friend, and you'd drink 'em down fast, too, if you had what I had."
The barkeep takes a step backward and says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "Eighty-five cents."
 
A married couple walk into the departure lounge at the airport. The wife points to a man sitting on a bench at the far end of the room. She tugs her husband's arm and says, "Look, that's the Pope!"
He says, "What would the Pope be doing, sitting in an airport all alone?"
She says, "His helpers or whatever you call them are getting his luggage. I'm telling you, it's him!! Go over and ask him if he's the Pope."
She gives him a push, so he walks over and says, "Excuse me, buddy. Are you the Pope?"
The man says, "Fuck off."
He goes back to his wife. She says, "What did he say?"
The husband says, "He told me to fuck off."
She says, "Oh, great. Now we'll never know."
 
A married couple takes a vacation in Maine. The wife takes their boat out on the ocean, and when she isn't back by nightfall, he reports her missing. Next day a Coast Guard officer knocks on his door.
The officer says, "Sir, because this is a joke, I have some bad news, some good news, and some extra good news to tell you."
The husband says, "Let's start with the bad news."
The officer says, "We found the boat overturned, and your wife was drowned. I am ever so sorry."
The husband says, "How could there be any good news?"
The officer says, "Well, sir, when we pulled her up, there were 12 rock crabs and a half dozen lobsters hanging on to her, and we feel you are entitled to half the catch."
The husband says, "I guess I understand. But what is the extra good news?"
The officer says, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
 
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A man's wife has been missing for five days. A police detective comes to his house and says, "This is a hard thing to say to you, but you have to prepare for the worst. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"
The husband stares at the detective's face, heaves a long sigh, and says, "I think I do. I better drive over to Goodwill and get her clothes back."
 
ideologyhunter said:
A man's wife has been missing for five days. A police detective comes to his house and says, "This is a hard thing to say to you, but you have to prepare for the worst. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"
The husband stares at the detective's face, heaves a long sigh, and says, "I think I do. I better drive over to Goodwill and get her clothes back."
Click to expand...
Was that husband Al Bundy?
 
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