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A husband and wife leave a session of couples therapy. He says, "Honey, I think what he said is right. We need to communicate more. A lot of times, I can't tell if you're happy. For instance, why don't you tell me when you've orgasmed?"
She says, "You said not to call you at work."
 
A college student gets a job as a room attendant at a nursing home. On his first day, his supervisor says, 'I'm sending you to straighten up Sarah's room, number 34."
He says, "Is there something special about her?"
The supervisor says, "Yes. She's 96, and she's very special. If you can handle Sarah, you'll do okay at this job."
He knocks at Sarah's door and goes in. She's lying in bed, and she looks him up and down and gives a low whistle. Then she holds up a clenched fist. She says, "Just so you know, I'll have sex with anyone who can guess what's in my hand."
He says, "A giraffe!"
Sarah says, "Close enough."
 
Three gay guys get in a stretch limo to go clubbing. They all have street names.
The first guy is Doe.
The second guy is Ray.
So quick, who's the third guy? ......

.....Cool. Be out and proud!
 
A man tells his rabbi, "My wife is trying to poison me."
The rabbi says, "My God! I hardly know her, but are you sure of what you're saying?"
The man says, "I'm just about positive. I've seen the little bottle in the kitchen. I can taste something funny in my coffee. God knows what she's putting in the casseroles."
The rabbi says, "We must not jump to conclusions. Here's what we'll do. You spend the day out of the house, just go to the mall or something. I'll go talk with your wife and sort this out. Meet me back at temple at six o'clock."
The man goes back to temple at six and the rabbi says, "Well, I had a good long talk with your wife and I think we covered everything. We must have talked for three hours."
The man says, "So, what is your advice?"
The rabbi says, "Take the poison."
 
Ben: Doctor, how is he? Is he gonna make it?
Doctor: Oh, yes, we stabilized him. He has four broken ribs and a nasty contusion on his head.
Ben: So, can I ask him a question?
Doctor: No, he's under sedation. If it's important, I can ask him when he comes out of it.
Ben: Great. Can you ask him if I passed my driver's test?
 
A rabbit and a bear get drafted and now they're waiting for their MEPS physicals. The rabbit says, "I don't wanna be a soldier. Bear, could you kick me real hard so that they'll think I'm lame?"
The bear says, "Yeah, but when you come out, you gotta do the same for me." So he lands a terrific kick and sends the rabbit flying into the wall. When they call for the rabbit, he's walking crooked and one of his legs looks out of joint. The doctor looks him over and says, "You belong in a hospital, not the army. You're dismissed."
The rabbit goes into the waiting room and says, "Okay, here comes your kick." But he's so messed up, the kick is more like a love tap.
The bear says, "That aint for shit. You have to beat me up!" The rabbit hauls himself up on the bear's shoulder and gives him about a hundred rabbit punches to the face. The bear says, "I could barely feel that. Do something else."
The rabbit grabs a waste basket and says, "Lean your head this way." He clunks the bear over the head, again and again, with the waste basket. The bear straightens up and says, "It's hopeless."
The nurse calls his name and he walks slowly into the exam room. The doctor says, "Dismissed."
The bear says, "You mean I get to go home?!"
The doctor says, "Yes. Beat it. We don't want you. My nurse just saw you get your ass handed to you by a lameass rabbit."
 
A boy and girl whale are swimming in the ocean when they spot a boat.
The boy whale says, "Let's sink it!"
The girl whale says, "No siree."
The boy says, "I'm not kidding, it looks just like the boat that killed my mom. They've got it coming. We'll swim under it, we'll both exhale straight at the ship, and we can tip it over."
The girl says, "Dammit, here's another of your dumb ideas. But okay."
They swim under the boat and let out tremendous blasts from their blowholes. The boat does tip over and start to sink. Both whales surface and have a look. The boy whale is outraged to see the crew members swimming toward shore. He says, "They're getting away. I need your help again. We'll swim after them and eat them up one by one. You ready?"
The girl says, "Dammit to hell!! I went along with the blow job, but I will not swallow seamen!"
 
ideologyhunter said:
A boy and girl whale are swimming in the ocean when they spot a boat.
The boy whale says, "Let's sink it!"
The girl whale says, "No siree."
The boy says, "I'm not kidding, it looks just like the boat that killed my mom. They've got it coming. We'll swim under it, we'll both exhale straight at the ship, and we can tip it over."
The girl says, "Dammit, here's another of your dumb ideas. But okay."
They swim under the boat and let out tremendous blasts from their blowholes. The boat does tip over and start to sink. Both whales surface and have a look. The boy whale is outraged to see the crew members swimming toward shore. He says, "They're getting away. I need your help again. We'll swim after them and eat them up one by one. You ready?"
The girl says, "Dammit to hell!! I went along with the blow job, but I will not swallow seamen!"
Click to expand...
Are these sperm whales?
 
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