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Things that make you laugh...

So, i want to be cremated.
I want someone to put a gliding eyeball in my urn, just at the top of the ashes.
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And I want the kids to talk up how weird grandpa's ashes were, telling my grandkids about the weird color, smell, texture, something. Maybe the mortician said they had to burn them twice or something. Anything to drive up curiosity.

So at some point, the curiosity will become big enough that they'll open the lid and there it'll be, an eyeball will be there, looking up at 'em.
And the kids will come home and find the living room has been vacuumed and a load of laundry done.

I shared this at work and one coworker asked, "Why would your kids agree to do that?" And before i could answer, another coworker observed, 'You obviously haven't met his kids."

Anyway, it occurred to me that i might need to get everything together before the end, leave as little as possible to someone else to accomplish. So i am looking into urns, and found the eyeballs and will wire a stand for the eye to mount it in the urn...

And the wife comes home and there are four people that live in this house. She's one, so you'd THINK that it'd be a 1 in 3 chance of guessing who owns the bag of sliding eyeballs on the table . But without hesitation, she shouts, "Keith! Why do you have a bag of eyeballs?"
And i asked, "Why do you assume they're mine?"
And before SHE can reply, my Youngest turns to say, "She's MET you!"
 
I have a cigar box full of rubber bands. Some are old, dried out, worthless. So I purchased two bags of rubber bands at the rubber band store, replaced the whole inventory.
Yestersay, JUST as I closed the box, someone shouted 'Rubber Band Fight!' a few cubicles down.
Today, that individual went to our manager with a handful of rubber bands. Twenty or thirty bands. Said, "This is what happens when you shoot one rubber band at Keith."
Manager said, "Well, yeah... Did no one tell you that?"
 
Keith&Co. said:
I have a cigar box full of rubber bands. Some are old, dried out, worthless. So I purchased two bags of rubber bands at the rubber band store, replaced the whole inventory.
Yestersay, JUST as I closed the box, someone shouted 'Rubber Band Fight!' a few cubicles down.
Today, that individual went to our manager with a handful of rubber bands. Twenty or thirty bands. Said, "This is what happens when you shoot one rubber band at Keith."
Manager said, "Well, yeah... Did no one tell you that?"
Click to expand...

You people are involved in our national defense? <Chills>

:laughing-smiley-014
 
ZiprHead said:
Keith&Co. said:
I have a cigar box full of rubber bands. Some are old, dried out, worthless. So I purchased two bags of rubber bands at the rubber band store, replaced the whole inventory.
Yestersay, JUST as I closed the box, someone shouted 'Rubber Band Fight!' a few cubicles down.
Today, that individual went to our manager with a handful of rubber bands. Twenty or thirty bands. Said, "This is what happens when you shoot one rubber band at Keith."
Manager said, "Well, yeah... Did no one tell you that?"
Click to expand...

You people are involved in our national defense? <Chills>

:laughing-smiley-014
Click to expand...

You must have a sense of humor to do that stressful kind of job, so as long as Keith is there, we're safe...:D

5240a40950d32f07e4d4a3ab4dcef8c0--good-ideas-god-bless-america.jpg
 
ZiprHead said:
Keith&Co. said:
I have a cigar box full of rubber bands. Some are old, dried out, worthless. So I purchased two bags of rubber bands at the rubber band store, replaced the whole inventory.
Yestersay, JUST as I closed the box, someone shouted 'Rubber Band Fight!' a few cubicles down.
Today, that individual went to our manager with a handful of rubber bands. Twenty or thirty bands. Said, "This is what happens when you shoot one rubber band at Keith."
Manager said, "Well, yeah... Did no one tell you that?"
Click to expand...

You people are involved in our national defense? <Chills>

:laughing-smiley-014
Click to expand...
Shock and awe!
 
A comment in the Social Sciences forum reminds me of something from a few years back.

Sarpedon said:
We have a lot of penis euphemisms. Were you aware that the common english last name "Johnson" is a penis euphemism? But no one has trouble distinguishing the two different uses?
Click to expand...
When I was on the Navy, they had a training program about substance abuse. Various levels, from an introductory 'Don't use shit!' course to full-on detox.

One of the exercises at one class I attended had us list all the penis euphemisms we could think of. Just to show how hung up our language was, and what that said about us...
One idiot in our class was just tickled pink about "Johnson." His glee came from the fact that he could be pretending to use a name, but he'd really be saying 'penis' and couldn't get in trouble for it.
So every time the rest of us slowed down in coming up with terms, he'd shout 'Johnson!' again, and giggle.

My fiancé was in that session, and sitting right beside this idiot. When we broke for the afternoon, I winked at her and walked halfway across the room. Then I turned around and called "Petty Officer Johnson!" Most of the class groaned, Idiot and a few others smiled.
Then my fiancé replied, "Yes?"
"Want to get dinner tonight, Petty Officer Johnson?"
"Why, yes, I would like that, Petty Officer &Co.," she said.
Could have heard a pin drop as she walked across the room. Idiot never spoke again in that class...
 
Thomas II said:
You must have a sense of humor to do that stressful kind of job, so as long as Keith is there, we're safe...:D
Click to expand...
Yeah... I complained about insomnia to my doctor, he suggested various ways I could reduce stress in my life.
I keep trying to convince him it's not stress. I take a lot of steps JUST to reduce stress.

I'd come to work in one of those t-rex costumes if I could figure out how to get through the turnstile with that tail....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54SBHobALBQ
 
Keith&Co. said:
A comment in the Social Sciences forum reminds me of something from a few years back.

Sarpedon said:
We have a lot of penis euphemisms. Were you aware that the common english last name "Johnson" is a penis euphemism? But no one has trouble distinguishing the two different uses?
Click to expand...
When I was on the Navy, they had a training program about substance abuse. Various levels, from an introductory 'Don't use shit!' course to full-on detox.

One of the exercises at one class I attended had us list all the penis euphemisms we could think of. Just to show how hung up our language was, and what that said about us...
One idiot in our class was just tickled pink about "Johnson." His glee came from the fact that he could be pretending to use a name, but he'd really be saying 'penis' and couldn't get in trouble for it.
So every time the rest of us slowed down in coming up with terms, he'd shout 'Johnson!' again, and giggle.

My fiancé was in that session, and sitting right beside this idiot. When we broke for the afternoon, I winked at her and walked halfway across the room. Then I turned around and called "Petty Officer Johnson!" Most of the class groaned, Idiot and a few others smiled.
Then my fiancé replied, "Yes?"
"Want to get dinner tonight, Petty Officer Johnson?"
"Why, yes, I would like that, Petty Officer &Co.," she said.
Could have heard a pin drop as she walked across the room. Idiot never spoke again in that class...
Click to expand...

I had a boss whose name was John Thomas, which is another of those euphemisms. Sometimes it was hard to keep a straight face, but I freely admit to being juvenile.
 
Keith&Co. said:
Thomas II said:
You must have a sense of humor to do that stressful kind of job, so as long as Keith is there, we're safe...:D
Click to expand...
Yeah... I complained about insomnia to my doctor, he suggested various ways I could reduce stress in my life.
I keep trying to convince him it's not stress. I take a lot of steps JUST to reduce stress.

I'd come to work in one of those t-rex costumes if I could figure out how to get through the turnstile with that tail....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54SBHobALBQ
Click to expand...

 
So, my wife HATES little tiny bits of paper in the Living Room trash. She can't pick up the bits easily, and if she pours the trash box into a bag, they flitter out and go all over the place, like cheap confetti or a dit-dot bomb.
Usually when I do the receipts and balance the checkbook, I put the leftover bits of paper inside an envelope so they're contained and I don't have to bribe the kids ("I'll give you a dollar to take the fall!"). Last night, I somehow had a whole bunch of little slips of paper but no envelopes, no little bags from the pharmacy, no containers whatsoever...

So, I figured that wet paper tends to stick together. So it won't turn into confetti. Well, I had no water. So I put all the bits onto the biggest bit of paper, licked one side and folded it over. So now I had a little lump of really cheap papier mache, but no confetti.
And looked up to see that my youngest son had entered the room.
And seen me lick half of an ATM receipt.
And was staring at me.

"I can explain..."
He turned to run. "What you do in your alone time is your business!" he cried.

Hours later, the wife is collecting the trash for trash day. She looks up from the trash box and asked why 'the pages are stuck together.' Youngest shouts "Dad's alone time!" and runs.

Why my children get this sense of humor, i'll never understand...
 
A coworker just suffered a heart failure. He was in the hospital as they stabilized him, and two coworkers went to visit him. One man, one woman.
His cardiologist came into the room during their visit, asked, 'Who's this?"
Heartman introduced them. "Oh, this is my wife, this is my husband."

Doc must have suspected he was being teased. "That would be bigamy."

Heartman denies this. "Bigamy would be two wives or two husbands. I have one of each."

Doc forgets the whole reason he came into this room and 'the law is written for 'spouses.' you can't have two SPOUSES!'

"No, Doc, it's okay! I married him, here, then married her in a state that didn't recognize same-sex marriages at that time. So there was no charge of bigamy THERE, because they don't believe I was married HERE. And Massachusetts law says they have to recognize marriages that are valid in other states! So it's all good!"

I hope he pulls through, we need more advanced thinking like that in the place...
 
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