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Things that make you laugh...

Angry Floof

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So, at the Eye Doctor, waiting to see if the Glaucoma Specialist has any argument with the Ophthalmologist.
First time i've ever been in this exam room. It's the one thry see ittty bittty kids in. So there's a teddy bear.
I observe, aloud, 'There's a teddy bear on that shelf!'
Nurse agrees and starts to explain how thry use the toy to assess the visionnnof vety young kids.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. "What's his name?"
She looks at me weird. "It...doesn't, um, have a name. It's a diagnostic tool, not someone's, um, friend."

I mutter, 'All the bears in MY house have names.'

She tries to nonchalantly look at my chart. Figured i would save her the math. "Yeah, I'm 58."

Next time you go there, give him a name. Teddy bears are friends to everyone.
 

gmbteach

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So, at the Eye Doctor, waiting to see if the Glaucoma Specialist has any argument with the Ophthalmologist.
First time i've ever been in this exam room. It's the one thry see ittty bittty kids in. So there's a teddy bear.
I observe, aloud, 'There's a teddy bear on that shelf!'
Nurse agrees and starts to explain how thry use the toy to assess the visionnnof vety young kids.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. "What's his name?"
She looks at me weird. "It...doesn't, um, have a name. It's a diagnostic tool, not someone's, um, friend."

I mutter, 'All the bears in MY house have names.'

She tries to nonchalantly look at my chart. Figured i would save her the math. "Yeah, I'm 58."

I have yet to name all of mine. But the important ones are Ted, Tina, Patches and Agnes.
 

Keith&Co.

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I mutter, 'All the bears in MY house have names.'

I have yet to name all of mine. But the important ones are Ted, Tina, Patches and Agnes.
Just bears, and just in our room, Cocoa, Tapioca (part of a set, the kids got Cinnamon, Honey, and Lemonade), Treeie, Gwivwey Bear, Gifty, Asterix, Devil, Panda, McTavish, Bearie, Small Bearie, Brown Bearie [no relation], and Scott.
 

gmbteach

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I mutter, 'All the bears in MY house have names.'

I have yet to name all of mine. But the important ones are Ted, Tina, Patches and Agnes.
Just bears, and just in our room, Cocoa, Tapioca (part of a set, the kids got Cinnamon, Honey, and Lemonade), Treeie, Gwivwey Bear, Gifty, Asterix, Devil, Panda, McTavish, Bearie, Small Bearie, Brown Bearie [no relation], and Scott.

Ted and Tina are married and take it in turns to sleep with me. Patches is my bear that Bilby bought me when I was in Hospital a few years ago. Agnes is a very sad looking Charlie Bear I bought in York, who begged me to bring her home.

I have so many others still. I should put them on the bed one day, and take a picture.

Oh and then there is Herman the Hedgepig who dangles from the light between Bilby and I in the lounge room.
 

Keith&Co.

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Ted and Tina are married and take it in turns to sleep with me. Patches is my bear that Bilby bought me when I was in Hospital a few years ago. Agnes is a very sad looking Charlie Bear I bought in York, who begged me to bring her home.

Treeie was bought when i was zbout as tall as he is. Birthday or Christmas, there's a Polaroid somewhere of me in footsie pajamas holding him like i am taking a drunk sailor back to the liberty van.

Asterix was my hospital gift. I got him when they took out my gall bladder so i named him after the Gaul in the comics.
Apparently i had a long, pleasant conversation with the hospital chaplain about the importance of a teddy bear in times of stress, i do not recall it. I mean, not a word.
I was wrecked on pain meds, but my wife described the conversation i, and Asterix, had with the woman about teddy bears and prayers.
I asked that she not pray for me, but did invite her to hug the bear.
 

Keith&Co.

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There was an adorable little moppet riding in her mom's shopping cart at the supermarket. Looking everywhere, curious, wondering about people, products, everything.

I was waiting for her mom to get eggs and move on so i could get eggs. Little tyke locked eyes with mine and asked, "Mommy, why are there so many old people at the store, today?"
Mom blushes. "No, no, dear, there are people of all ages at the store, and they all need to shop, it's a normal thing."
I said hi as they passed me. The gremlin then had to ask mommy, "What's a whippersnapper?"
"It means he heard you," she moaned, blushing almost invisible.
 

bilby

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Just bears, and just in our room, Cocoa, Tapioca (part of a set, the kids got Cinnamon, Honey, and Lemonade), Treeie, Gwivwey Bear, Gifty, Asterix, Devil, Panda, McTavish, Bearie, Small Bearie, Brown Bearie [no relation], and Scott.

Ted and Tina are married and take it in turns to sleep with me. Patches is my bear that Bilby bought me when I was in Hospital a few years ago. Agnes is a very sad looking Charlie Bear I bought in York, who begged me to bring her home.

I have so many others still. I should put them on the bed one day, and take a picture.

Oh and then there is Herman the Hedgepig who dangles from the light between Bilby and I in the lounge room.

Herman is there because I am an erinaceinophile.
 

Elixir

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There was an adorable little moppet riding in her mom's shopping cart at the supermarket. Looking everywhere, curious, wondering about people, products, everything.

I was waiting for her mom to get eggs and move on so i could get eggs. Little tyke locked eyes with mine and asked, "Mommy, why are there so many old people at the store, today?"
Mom blushes. "No, no, dear, there are people of all ages at the store, and they all need to shop, it's a normal thing."
I said hi as they passed me. The gremlin then had to ask mommy, "What's a whippersnapper?"
"It means he heard you," she moaned, blushing almost invisible.

Funny! We have met the enemy and it is loudmouth woopshits.

457B2998-1352-4957-A651-28394F3923D4.jpeg
 

bilby

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There was an adorable little moppet riding in her mom's shopping cart at the supermarket. Looking everywhere, curious, wondering about people, products, everything.

I was waiting for her mom to get eggs and move on so i could get eggs. Little tyke locked eyes with mine and asked, "Mommy, why are there so many old people at the store, today?"
Mom blushes. "No, no, dear, there are people of all ages at the store, and they all need to shop, it's a normal thing."
I said hi as they passed me. The gremlin then had to ask mommy, "What's a whippersnapper?"
"It means he heard you," she moaned, blushing almost invisible.

Funny! We have met the enemy and it is loudmouth woopshits.

View attachment 34452

It was the fashion in certain circles in the Eighteenth Century to wear shoes with lead soles. The idea being that it would give the wearer an advantage in a duel, where he would wear regular shoes and be faster and lighter on his feet.

It did have the unfortunate downside that many naval officers who fell overboard would sink like a rock due to their choice of footwear.
 

Keith&Co.

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Hmmm. May have whoopsed.

So, there's NO ONE in the office most days. We're slowly and incrementally bringing the work force back to the plant. For various reasons i am among the first. I've gotten used to being alone in here.

Software was being a little bitch, and i apparently voiced my frustration.

This person i never met before stops at my cube and says, "Hate to break it to you, but God's last name isn't 'Dammit.'"

I look up at them. "That wasn't a salutation. It's an invocation. I'm not saying, 'Hey, God, howdy!' I am literally casting a very short spell, requesting and requiring the divine force of the universe to intercede in human affairs and make the AIM software stop being a little bitch when i need it, and/or consign it to Hell as punishment." Then stared at him.

He 'hrmph'-ed and walked off. As he did, another team member arrived and came over to my desk. "So, what were you and our new Tech Manager talking about?"

"We have a new Tech Manager?" Whoops..
 

Loren Pechtel

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Hmmm. May have whoopsed.

So, there's NO ONE in the office most days. We're slowly and incrementally bringing the work force back to the plant. For various reasons i am among the first. I've gotten used to being alone in here.

Software was being a little bitch, and i apparently voiced my frustration.

This person i never met before stops at my cube and says, "Hate to break it to you, but God's last name isn't 'Dammit.'"

I look up at them. "That wasn't a salutation. It's an invocation. I'm not saying, 'Hey, God, howdy!' I am literally casting a very short spell, requesting and requiring the divine force of the universe to intercede in human affairs and make the AIM software stop being a little bitch when i need it, and/or consign it to Hell as punishment." Then stared at him.

He 'hrmph'-ed and walked off. As he did, another team member arrived and came over to my desk. "So, what were you and our new Tech Manager talking about?"

"We have a new Tech Manager?" Whoops..

Huh?

It's simply a bug report: You found a problem and are telling God what to do with it!
 

Keith&Co.

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... and are telling God what to do with it!

Which, since the operator is supernatural, would be an invocation spell.

It's not an evocation as i cannot directly affect the disposition of any non-corporeal component of the device, but need an intermediary.

Might be a divination, if i somehow detect or determine that at some future time, God is GOING to consign the device to eternal damnation....

But, yeah, directing occult beings to take action is definitely spell-casting.
 

Keith&Co.

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At least the new Tech Manager won't take as long to figure you out as they might otherwise have done. :)
Quite. I was looking on it as an efficiency in the next evaluation cycle. Always want the higher-ups to know who you are. Either by 'Oh! I know that guy's work!' or 'Oh....he's the one who did ___ that one time.'


Fortunately (or unfortunately), i was misinformed. He is _A_ new TM, but not OUR new TM. Our TM is not exactly leaving, they're going to move to another state and work remotely.
 

Keith&Co.

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Oh, crap.

The restroom near my desk was closed for cleaning. I walked farther than usual to find an open one.
On the way back, going thru the High Bay, where they used to assemble the turrets for the Bradley Fighting Vehicle, i saw someone waving at me.
Nearsighted without my glasses, i had no idea who this was, but they were excited to see me.

Well, every week i see someone i haven't run into for 18 months so i waved back. They waved some more, i waved some more. Got closer, closer, still waving...

I have no idea who this fucker was. I swear, never saw them before in my life. Ever. His ethnicity is rare for this end of Massachusetts, i would have remembered.

He'd just walked thru a cobweb.

And now, unable to return to that building, i have to put in the paperwork to go remote until i retire.
 

Loren Pechtel

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... and are telling God what to do with it!

Which, since the operator is supernatural, would be an invocation spell.

It's not an evocation as i cannot directly affect the disposition of any non-corporeal component of the device, but need an intermediary.

Might be a divination, if i somehow detect or determine that at some future time, God is GOING to consign the device to eternal damnation....

But, yeah, directing occult beings to take action is definitely spell-casting.

It's only spellcasting if you are using some sort of magical power to do it. No magical power, it's just a request. Perhaps a prayer.
 

Patooka

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aaa
... and are telling God what to do with it!

Which, since the operator is supernatural, would be an invocation spell.

It's not an evocation as i cannot directly affect the disposition of any non-corporeal component of the device, but need an intermediary.

Might be a divination, if i somehow detect or determine that at some future time, God is GOING to consign the device to eternal damnation....

But, yeah, directing occult beings to take action is definitely spell-casting.

Divination is spell casting? I thought it was unaffected by PPE?
 

Keith&Co.

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It's only spellcasting if you are using some sort of magical power to do it. No magical power, it's just a request. Perhaps a prayer.

Evocation is using the magic directly. Fireball. Using a grasshopper keg to jump.
Invocation is subcontracting the magic manipulation to a supernatural being. Rain of frogs sort of stuff.
 

Don2 (Don1 Revised)

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... and are telling God what to do with it!

Which, since the operator is supernatural, would be an invocation spell.

It's not an evocation as i cannot directly affect the disposition of any non-corporeal component of the device, but need an intermediary.

Might be a divination, if i somehow detect or determine that at some future time, God is GOING to consign the device to eternal damnation....

But, yeah, directing occult beings to take action is definitely spell-casting.

This is a tricky one. To confuse matters further let me throw two more schools in: conjuration and enchantment. Conjuring supernatural being and enchanting them to do your bidding (like charm).
 

Keith&Co.

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Not sure if God was ever conjured...except by accident, of course. Eat an apple, BAM!, there he is, reviewing the instructions posted on the apple tree.

Kinda like the only time the Commanding Officer seems to know there's a ship's lounge is when you're watching porn there...

As for enchanting Him... Probably the easiest way would be reverse psychology. "Gosh, I hope no one were to condemn the AIM software and all who wrote it, maintain it, and the brain dead booby that bought it to eternal damnation. That would be disappointing in the extreme."
 

Keith&Co.

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And now, unable to return to that building, i have to put in the paperwork to go remote until i retire.
My request to work remote again was disapproved. Manager says they need me and my special point of view around.

But then he tells a story about some character on a TV show he's watching. "And they've got genitalia hanging down to here." Taps his leg just above the knee. Before he can go on with the story, i ask, "Male or female?"
"Huh? What?" Everyone ELSE laughed, but he hasn't come out of his office since.

Gonna make our quarterly performance review difficult if he can't look me in the eye....
 

Keith&Co.

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Gonna make our quarterly performance review difficult if he can't look me in the eye....

I suspect that depends on where he looks instead.

Good point!
Just told the wife to put 'salami, suitable for trousers' on the shopping list.

ETA: Just explained why.
She has the same manager, but she does not want one.
 

Keith&Co.

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I may...have a problem.

So, my wife bought and assembled the Easter Sheep Lego set. A cute little sheep standing with flowers... She decided she wanted to make a Black Sheep version.

I was on the Lego site and wondering how hard it would be to find the parts necessary to change the sheep from white to black. Got the online building instructions, looked up the first part...
It's difficult to substitute parts on the Lego site. They list parts by part number, but they don't clearly spell out the name really easily. The dark purple and dark brown and black and dark blue pieces can look really similar.

But i know a hobbyist site that sells individual pieces in any numbers required, AND lists them by color. You look up a 601220, it'll tell you the official name is a plate, smooth, round 1x1, and all the colors available, and the part number of the same part in black is 49399. Very convenient.

So convenient, i went in to my wife's home office and said, "i don't mean to take away ANYTHING of you completing this project, or insinuating myself into your creative effort, but i appear to have created a spreadsheet. All the parts listed for the Eastersheep, quantity required, the part numbers for the black version where they exist (oddly, the spring flowers do not come in black), and a calculator for the total cost of ordering each part online. I looked up the prices for about the first 10 pieces before i realized i was intruding."

"You did all that, what.... By accident?"

"Pretty much. What? YOU never wake up out of a fugue state with a customized spreadsheet nearly completed, including notes in the margin for how the intended user should interpret the data?"

"............................................................................................................................................. No."

"Oh. How odd."

She SAYS i'm not in trouble. As long as i haven't actually ordered any of the parts. And i haven't. Yet.
 

Keith&Co.

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I am going to tell my coworkers, tomorrow, that i have kept my wife naked for 24/7.
She knows this, and works in the same office.
She is going to grudgingly tell them it is true - i stole all the bathroom towels during her shower yesterday.

On Saturday, the 24th of July.

Five god-damned minutes of nudity, threats and giggling. Well, one of us issued threats, one giggled.

Only one was nude, though i did offer solidarity... It was rejected in favor of a request that i come within arm's reach.

So she could kiss me because it was such a good joke. Ha, and ha.

I felt that closeness was contraindicated by the very short interval between the profanity and the more saccharine tone of voice.
 

Keith&Co.

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Two coworkers somewhere in the company got married. I'm not sure how they actually reached the conclusion they did, but she didn't want to change her name to his after the marriage, and he didn't want to change to her name... So they both filed to change to a completely new name they picked.
Now my manager doesn't ever remember the new name and refers to Mark as 'Name Change Guy.'

Now i'm tempted to change my name legally. To 'I Changed My Name.'

"I changed my name!"
"Really? What to?"
"I Changed My Name."
"I know... But what to?"
"I Changed My Name."
"God damn it, WHAT TO?"
"I Changed My Name."
 

Keith&Co.

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Who's on first?

You know, i came home to the wife, and mentioned the married couple, and said i was thinking about changing my name.
Her: To what?
Me: I Changed My Name.
Her: (silence, with....THAT look. And after a pause) "Who's on first, asshole."
 

hyzer

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Who's on first?

You know, i came home to the wife, and mentioned the married couple, and said i was thinking about changing my name.
Her: To what?
Me: I Changed My Name.
Her: (silence, with....THAT look. And after a pause) "Who's on first, asshole."

So I’m in a meeting at work in which the client keeps going around the same questions, getting the same answers from the professionals in the room, and the professionals are making the same considered recommendations - but the client can’t commit. . . . After an hour of this when the head of the client group brought up his same original question again, I straightened up and said “we have achieved third base.” ….. fortunately enough people laughed and I was able to move on to a summary of action items (all in the client’s basket).
 

Keith&Co.

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We have a new initiative in Strategic Systems. The Four Pillars. Concepts to help keep things in mind so the fleet doesn't keep screwing things up. Tools left in missiles, doors not bolted down, security violated, and people opening panels just to see what's inside them, interrupting monitoring power to nuclear weapons....

So, we got tasked with writing the introductory lesson. Meaning me.
One of th e pillars is basically learning from other's mistakes.
The three main resources are
) various collections of Lessons Learned, detailing trends and problems in the fleet
) Trouble and Failure Reports, (TFRs) which document specific problems in hardware, software, procedures, etc., and how the crew resolved the issue
) Strat Weapons System Personnel Incident Reports (SWSPIRs), which describe dumbshit decisions some sailor made to try his best to kill himself, or others, or otherwise forgot everything he knew about safety, security, gravity, electrical flow, water pressure, procedural compliance, whatever.

Anyway, i needed a graphic for that pillar. Found this.


Named, from left to right, "Lessons Learned", "TFRs", and "SWSPIRs."

The formal name of the pillar is Critical Assessment, so i named the graphic '4pill_SWSASS.jpg'

I just wanted to make my immediate superiors laugh. Handed it in Thursday, had a doctor appt Friday, expected to get feedback on Monday.
They approved my storyboard and sent it further up the chain for approval. They sent a copy to another contractor, so he could write his manager-level training, seeing what we covered.
ONE person questioned using the word 'ASS' in the title, my leaders defended it, as it's only a working title. The students will just see it on screen in the computer based training, not knowing the name.

All week, i kept waiting for feedback. Nothing. But we were busy, so maybe mine was a backburnered project?

Thursday, they finally thought to say, "Oh, yeah! Good job on the 4 pillar thing."

"Oh, thanks... Even the dragons?"

"The. What?"

Honestly, it's been 20 years. They shouldn't take anything i do for granted.... There's a re ason nothing i do goes directly to the customer...ever.
 

Keith&Co.

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My wife just farted.
For about forty years, i have said "gesundheit" when someone farts. It's to say, 'nothing to be embarrassed about, it's natural, no offense is taken.'
For about 36 years, i have said it around her.
She says it. The whole family says it.
Some coworkers have said it.
She tells about confusing high school students when she said it at school.
No biggie, right?
So, she farted. I said 'Gesundheit!'


Evidently...it's sending a completely different message if you respond when the farter was three rooms and a hallway away from you, and on a different floor.
 

Angry Floof

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Watching this video of an American comedian using an "Australian" accent, and I'm screaming inside that tHaT's a nEw zEaLaNd AcCeNt NoT aUsTraLiAn!!!!1111!!!
all_the_things.png
but thank fuck I was able to hold myself back from utilizing the comments section where the important opinions go until the video was over. :rofl:
 

Patooka

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My wife just farted.
For about forty years, i have said "gesundheit" when someone farts. It's to say, 'nothing to be embarrassed about, it's natural, no offense is taken.'
For about 36 years, i have said it around her.
She says it. The whole family says it.
Some coworkers have said it.
She tells about confusing high school students when she said it at school.
No biggie, right?
So, she farted. I said 'Gesundheit!'


Evidently...it's sending a completely different message if you respond when the farter was three rooms and a hallway away from you, and on a different floor.

The upside is you now have immunity if the "you never listen" accusation ever comes up.
 

Keith&Co.

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My wife just farted.
For about forty years, i have said "gesundheit" when someone farts. It's to say, 'nothing to be embarrassed about, it's natural, no offense is taken.'
For about 36 years, i have said it around her.
She says it. The whole family says it.
Some coworkers have said it.
She tells about confusing high school students when she said it at school.
No biggie, right?
So, she farted. I said 'Gesundheit!'


Evidently...it's sending a completely different message if you respond when the farter was three rooms and a hallway away from you, and on a different floor.

The upside is you now have immunity if the "you never listen" accusation ever comes up.
Sure. Because winning an argument is always worth another night on the sofa....
 

Keith&Co.

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So, Dad was telling me about the first year of being married. His mother was very competitive with my mother.
They got married, went on a honeymoon, Grandma made Grandpa take her on a vacation two states farther away.
They moved into a trailer, Grandma redecorated her living room.
They got a puppy, Grandma got a purebred.
They got a new washer, Grandma redecorated her laundry room.
Dad said, "We started to joke, what the hell is she going to do if we get pregnant?" He laughed, i laughed...
"Wait a minute," I said. "I'm the oldest. Did you have me just to call her bluff?!?!"

He hemmed and hawed, promised he loved me, i should never doubt his feelings for me, and we've both outlived her, so what did it matter. All that crap.
I kept asking. You just cannot turn your back on my father.

Finally, he said, "...................kinda."
Great. So all that bushwaw about dynasty and making a mark on the world? Total crap.
I'm the ultimate game of 'i fucking DARE you.'






....She bought a new car. A LUXURY car, Dad assured me. I should feel proud.
 

Keith&Co.

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Basic Beliefs
I'm here...
I submitted the 4 Pillars Training unit.
I included a picture i got off the internet. A generic graphic of 4 greek pillars holding up a roof.
I included instructions for the Developer to use their art department to create something LIKE this. Whip something up, based on this, like this, similar to this. But not THIS.

Two days later, my boss gets a call. They needed to point out that the image i submitted was copyright protected.
I know this. He knows this. We all are on the same page. That's why i expected them to use this merely as a guide....

My boss, who reviewed my submittal, pulls a copy up and READS THE DEVELOPER NOTE to THE DEVELOPER.
"Oh, yeah, cool, we can do that. Just wanted to say, if you guys were really committed to this image there's a problem..."

This would be really annoying if we were the ones who developed the Developer Note' box. But THE DEVELOPER created that box and instructions for its use and ignores it EVERY GODDAMNED TIME. So it's really REALLY really annoying....
 
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