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Things that make you laugh...

skepticalbip

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Finally, he said, "...................kinda."
Great. So all that bushwaw about dynasty and making a mark on the world? Total crap.
I'm the ultimate game of 'i fucking DARE you.'
Hey, you, at least, had a planned purpose and your mom's revelation didn't elicit an, "Oh shit, you're WHAT", from your dad.

On the down side, you apparently served your purpose quite a while ago. :D
 

Keith&Co.

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Finally, he said, "...................kinda."
Great. So all that bushwaw about dynasty and making a mark on the world? Total crap.
I'm the ultimate game of 'i fucking DARE you.'
Hey, you, at least, had a planned purpose and your mom's revelation didn't elicit an, "Oh shit, you're WHAT", from your dad.

On the down side, you apparently served your purpose quite a while ago. :D
PEAKED, six months before birth. Yep. Which does mean i can retire at any time....
 

Keith&Co.

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So, it has come to my attention that i have lost ALL patience with the developers of my company's training products.

The last storyboard i submitted, i was terse. Very specific. I tried to be very clear about exactly what i wanted on screen and what they were allowed to change, and what needed to be exact. I made some choices that were actually theirs to make. I submitted power points of how the test question should be arranged.

I went through before submitting it and removed explicit phrases of 'listen closely, morons,' and 'If you imbeciles can read.' Because i got manners and shit. But the mood of the piece is rather condescending.

Anyway, it's been received at the other end. My boss said, "I got great feedback on your storyboard. (Person) said you did a great job on the directions, made his job really easy. Clear, concise, very useful."
"Oh. That bit where i talked to them like they can't be allowed out with anything sharper than a bowling ball? They....liked that?"
"Evidently. Keep it up!"

"......................I think i can do that."
 

George S

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So, it has come to my attention that i have lost ALL patience with the developers of my company's training products.

The last storyboard i submitted, i was terse. Very specific. I tried to be very clear about exactly what i wanted on screen and what they were allowed to change, and what needed to be exact. I made some choices that were actually theirs to make. I submitted power points of how the test question should be arranged.

I went through before submitting it and removed explicit phrases of 'listen closely, morons,' and 'If you imbeciles can read.' Because i got manners and shit. But the mood of the piece is rather condescending.

Anyway, it's been received at the other end. My boss said, "I got great feedback on your storyboard. (Person) said you did a great job on the directions, made his job really easy. Clear, concise, very useful."
"Oh. That bit where i talked to them like they can't be allowed out with anything sharper than a bowling ball? They....liked that?"
"Evidently. Keep it up!"

"......................I think i can do that."

And Keith will do it with a certain style. Keep us posted.
 

bilby

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A friend of mine just posted this on Facebook. She didn't make the post public, so shall remain anonymous; But this is absolutely in character for her.

I swore mildly at the gym today (my excuse was an unexpected stabby pain). I apologised to by trainer immediately but he laughed and said “no-one’s here so it’s okay. What’s your favourite swear word?”

So I told him.

Apparently that _wasn’t_ the thing to do and he said “oh, you just went right there, didn’t you”

Now I have to find a new personal trainer 🤣

As I left I yelled “See you next Tuesday” which didn’t make things any less awkward.

As another friend commented, perhaps she should get an Australian trainer.
 

Keith&Co.

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Two days ago, i was in the plant with two other coworkers. Let's say Huginn and Muninn. our cubes are all in the corner.
So, Huginn had problems with his mike during the morning Skype meeting. Muninn and I could hear him talking in his cubicle, but nothing was coming across in the meeting.
So rather than shout across the office, i just said into my mic, "You're on mute, Huggy."
Thus, i normalized the ability to know people are unable to transmit.

TODAY, Muninn had microphone problems. Hecouldn't get anyone's attention, so he unplugged, replugged, fixed the problem. Asked, "Can anyone hear me?"
Well, naturally, My immediate response was, "No, sorry, you're still mute."
Muninn: "Dammit." Clicking sounds as he gets another headset.
Muninn: "NOW can you hear me?"
Me: "Nope, still mute."
Muninn: "Fuck. "
Then he rebooted his computer.
The next time he asked, "Can you hear me?" and i said, "Still no." he sagged. "I don't know what else to do...."
Huginn: "You could tell Keith to fuck off."
Muninn: "Why would...? Oh. OH! Oh, you BASTARD!"
 

Elixir

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Two days ago, i was in the plant with two other coworkers. Let's say Huginn and Muninn. our cubes are all in the corner.
So, Huginn had problems with his mike during the morning Skype meeting. Muninn and I could hear him talking in his cubicle, but nothing was coming across in the meeting.
So rather than shout across the office, i just said into my mic, "You're on mute, Huggy."
Thus, i normalized the ability to know people are unable to transmit.

TODAY, Muninn had microphone problems. Hecouldn't get anyone's attention, so he unplugged, replugged, fixed the problem. Asked, "Can anyone hear me?"
Well, naturally, My immediate response was, "No, sorry, you're still mute."
Muninn: "Dammit." Clicking sounds as he gets another headset.
Muninn: "NOW can you hear me?"
Me: "Nope, still mute."
Muninn: "Fuck. "
Then he rebooted his computer.
The next time he asked, "Can you hear me?" and i said, "Still no." he sagged. "I don't know what else to do...."
Huginn: "You could tell Keith to fuck off."
Muninn: "Why would...? Oh. OH! Oh, you BASTARD!"

Do all your coworkers eat stupid pills?
 

Keith&Co.

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Two days ago, i was in the plant with two other coworkers. Let's say Huginn and Muninn. our cubes are all in the corner.
So, Huginn had problems with his mike during the morning Skype meeting. Muninn and I could hear him talking in his cubicle, but nothing was coming across in the meeting.
So rather than shout across the office, i just said into my mic, "You're on mute, Huggy."
Thus, i normalized the ability to know people are unable to transmit.

TODAY, Muninn had microphone problems. Hecouldn't get anyone's attention, so he unplugged, replugged, fixed the problem. Asked, "Can anyone hear me?"
Well, naturally, My immediate response was, "No, sorry, you're still mute."
Muninn: "Dammit." Clicking sounds as he gets another headset.
Muninn: "NOW can you hear me?"
Me: "Nope, still mute."
Muninn: "Fuck. "
Then he rebooted his computer.
The next time he asked, "Can you hear me?" and i said, "Still no." he sagged. "I don't know what else to do...."
Huginn: "You could tell Keith to fuck off."
Muninn: "Why would...? Oh. OH! Oh, you BASTARD!"

Do all your coworkers eat stupid pills?
You know, everyone has one of Those Days. But not everyone NOTICES. Or comments. This is a service i grant.

A few towns over from here, a cemetery has a grave marker that depicts someone kneeling before Jesus, head in his lap. It really looks like a cut scene from Pornhub, actually. Known to schoolchildren through the Berkshires as the Fellating Jesus gravemarker.
They were discussing it at work. The people that grew up around here trying to convince the moved-in people that it was real.
One guy thought it was a cemetery decoration. Boss insisted it was an actual headstone.
I commented that it was very adult, the way he did NOT snicker at calling it a 'head' stone. I was surprised no one else made the connection....
 

Keith&Co.

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But speaking of stupid pills....

We're working on a long project. We have a shared Excel spreadsheet. If you start working a particular section, you put your name in the A column, highlight it in yellow (blue when we're done, green when it's reviewed, red for whattheholyshit).

Today, at one point, i typed 'Yellow' in the block and went looking all through the pulldown for the 'keith' color to highlight it...

….as the rest of the team watched on the shared screen....
 

Elixir

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But speaking of stupid pills....

We're working on a long project. We have a shared Excel spreadsheet. If you start working a particular section, you put your name in the A column, highlight it in yellow (blue when we're done, green when it's reviewed, red for whattheholyshit).

Today, at one point, i typed 'Yellow' in the block and went looking all through the pulldown for the 'keith' color to highlight it...

….as the rest of the team watched on the shared screen....

That is the kind of ... uh ... mislexia? that I can identify with!
 

ZiprHead

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Two days ago, i was in the plant with two other coworkers. Let's say Huginn and Muninn. our cubes are all in the corner.
So, Huginn had problems with his mike during the morning Skype meeting. Muninn and I could hear him talking in his cubicle, but nothing was coming across in the meeting.
So rather than shout across the office, i just said into my mic, "You're on mute, Huggy."
Thus, i normalized the ability to know people are unable to transmit.

TODAY, Muninn had microphone problems. Hecouldn't get anyone's attention, so he unplugged, replugged, fixed the problem. Asked, "Can anyone hear me?"
Well, naturally, My immediate response was, "No, sorry, you're still mute."
Muninn: "Dammit." Clicking sounds as he gets another headset.
Muninn: "NOW can you hear me?"
Me: "Nope, still mute."
Muninn: "Fuck. "
Then he rebooted his computer.
The next time he asked, "Can you hear me?" and i said, "Still no." he sagged. "I don't know what else to do...."
Huginn: "You could tell Keith to fuck off."
Muninn: "Why would...? Oh. OH! Oh, you BASTARD!"

:notworthy:
 

Keith&Co.

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It rained yesterday.

I left a little early. Got outside, no drops, went out the gate, no drops. Went through the parking lot, saw the clouds gathering, but no drops hit me.
Got in the car. There were drops on the windshield, which was odd. I mean, they came out of nowhere. The instant i put the car in drive, the sky opened up. It was raining hard enough that at one intersection, i only managed the left turn because i make that turn about 300 times a year and just dead-reckoned where the turn lane was. I couldn't see the lines on the road through the raindrops.


THAT was about the time my boss walked out, with his boss.

B-boss was an Ensign in the Navy, surface ships. Said he'd heard that the rain was pretty bad.
My boss was a Missile Tech Chief Petty Officer: "What sort of wimpy ship did you serve on? I'm a submariner. I don't fear water. Plus, i served in Bangor*, so i'm not afraid of any rain." This discussion raged from our office, through the high-bay, through the exit building, upstairs to the gate office.

They go through the gate and find a dozen people in the gate lobby, hiding from the weather.
Myboss: This is bullshit. It's just water! Outta the way. (MAY have said outta the way, pussies, stories conflict).


Walked straight out the doors, across the sidewalk, stepped down into the roadway.
And, okay, see, they're doing construction on the sewer system on the public road outside of our parking lot. And somehow, this translates to 'our sewers are full of water and not accepting any more water right now, okay, thanks, buhbye. Draining, but VEEEEEERRY slowly.
So the parking lot was flooded. My not-all-that-tall boss plunged into water that reached above his knee.

And had an instant, lightning realization: I have talked way too much shit to turn around, now.

So he slogged to his car, flopped his soaking wet lower half into the seat, and sloshed home. Said if he died this weekend it was a cold, not Covid.

*Seattle, not Maine
 

skepticalbip

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.... skip ....

My boss was a Missile Tech Chief Petty Officer: "What sort of wimpy ship did you serve on? I'm a submariner. I don't fear water.
.....
Odd that... I would think that a submariner experiencing being drenched by water poring down on them from above would be more panicked than someone on the deck of a surface ship.
 

Keith&Co.

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.... skip ....

My boss was a Missile Tech Chief Petty Officer: "What sort of wimpy ship did you serve on? I'm a submariner. I don't fear water.
.....
Odd that... I would think that a submariner experiencing being drenched by water poring down on them from above would be more panicked than someone on the deck of a surface ship.

Outside the people tank, that's where water is supposed to be.
Inside...that's a different story....

unnamed.jpg
 

Keith&Co.

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Two kinds of people in this world.

After they speak, I say, "Huh?" or "What?"

One type assumes i do not understand the comment and explains their reasoning that led to them making such a statement.

One type understands that by "What?" i mean i did not hear you clearly in the first place and have no god damned idea what you said, so explaining the logic that drove the comment is getting us no closer to completing any form of idea transmission. What's needed here is that you repeat yourself.

I, personally, reply to 'What?" with repetition.

Guess which type i married?

Guess.
 

Loren Pechtel

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B-boss was an Ensign in the Navy, surface ships. Said he'd heard that the rain was pretty bad.
My boss was a Missile Tech Chief Petty Officer: "What sort of wimpy ship did you serve on? I'm a submariner. I don't fear water.

Sounds like your boss isn't too smart. Submariners should fear water! Something is very wrong if the water touches a submariner.
 

Keith&Co.

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B-boss was an Ensign in the Navy, surface ships. Said he'd heard that the rain was pretty bad.
My boss was a Missile Tech Chief Petty Officer: "What sort of wimpy ship did you serve on? I'm a submariner. I don't fear water.

Sounds like your boss isn't too smart. Submariners should fear water! Something is very wrong if the water touches a submariner.

No, we get wet a LOT. Draining tanks or headers, first man up the hatch, cleaning bilges...most of the MTs are maneuvering watch line handlers, we are among the first and last to get spray from the waves topside...
Wet trainer, escape trainer, fire fighting trainers, missile maintenance, fresh water washdown of the deck....
 

thebeave

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.... skip ....

My boss was a Missile Tech Chief Petty Officer: "What sort of wimpy ship did you serve on? I'm a submariner. I don't fear water.
.....
Odd that... I would think that a submariner experiencing being drenched by water poring down on them from above would be more panicked than someone on the deck of a surface ship.

Outside the people tank, that's where water is supposed to be.
Inside...that's a different story....

View attachment 34857

That guy is lucky he has a third hand coming out of his chest. That certainly makes things a lot easier.
 

skepticalbip

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That guy is lucky he has a third hand coming out of his chest. That certainly makes things a lot easier.

See? Not all aliens are bad.
It is difficult to tell from the picture if the alien is good and trying to save the submarine or evil and is letting the sea in to sink the submarine.
 

Keith&Co.

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Outside the people tank, that's where water is supposed to be.
Inside...that's a different story....

View attachment 34857

That guy is lucky he has a third hand coming out of his chest. That certainly makes things a lot easier.

There are three people in that picture.
One of 'em's about to eat a crescent wrench if he doesn't get it out of the spray from the flange...
 

hyzer

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All-time best cabin pun:

Four friends are out in late October doing their annual West Virginia cabin camping. It is first thing on the first morning, it is cold, we want and need coffee. Water from the rainwater catchment is poured into the pot and heated vigorously on the camp stove – oh no, no one has remembered to bring creamer for the coffee!

But there might be a solution – looking in the kitchen cabinets we find one of those dispenser boxes of creamer pods that was “liberated” from an office coffee station many years before. The creamer in each of the little cups is pasteurized, it doesn’t “need” refrigeration. But this box of creamer pods has been in the cabin for so many years that there is mouse poop all throughout the box of pods. The poop is flicked off the first pod, the pod is opened, but the cream has separated. Oh no! Poop is flicked off the second pod and it is vigorously shaken and opened – success, it appears suitable for cabin coffee! The recipient of the creamer from the second pod, upon sampling his coffee, says “I prefer my creamer shaken, not turd.”
 

Keith&Co.

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My wife is clearing out her leftovers from her former job as a high school teacher. She has a bunch of interlocking trays that organize your drawers.
I didn't really have a use for them until i thought, i could fill these with crap and put them in my b-boss' office. Shared the thought. My family instantly rounded up a few items.

So, right now, there's a tray of spare nuts and bolts and safety scissors in his desk; bottles of glitter; a tray full of colored pens and pencils, sharpeners; one of erasers resembling food and make-up, erasers for 'Disney Princess' themes; more glitter; pez dispensers for two of the Frozen characters; a first-aid kid with all the bandaids replaced with anime-themed glitter-enhanced bandaids; Gummy Krabby Patties; two more glitter trays.

Odd how everyone in my house took to this idle thought with rather productive abandon....
 

Loren Pechtel

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B-boss was an Ensign in the Navy, surface ships. Said he'd heard that the rain was pretty bad.
My boss was a Missile Tech Chief Petty Officer: "What sort of wimpy ship did you serve on? I'm a submariner. I don't fear water.

Sounds like your boss isn't too smart. Submariners should fear water! Something is very wrong if the water touches a submariner.

No, we get wet a LOT. Draining tanks or headers, first man up the hatch, cleaning bilges...most of the MTs are maneuvering watch line handlers, we are among the first and last to get spray from the waves topside...
Wet trainer, escape trainer, fire fighting trainers, missile maintenance, fresh water washdown of the deck....

Wet trainers aren't submarines.

Why would you get wet on missile maintenance? Isn't everything stored inside the sub?
 

Keith&Co.

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No, we get wet a LOT. Draining tanks or headers, first man up the hatch, cleaning bilges...most of the MTs are maneuvering watch line handlers, we are among the first and last to get spray from the waves topside...
Wet trainer, escape trainer, fire fighting trainers, missile maintenance, fresh water washdown of the deck....

Wet trainers aren't submarines.
No. I said submariners get wet a LOT, thus we're not afeared of no water.
Why would you get wet on missile maintenance? Isn't everything stored inside the sub?
Some of the systems operate based on sea pressure, which requires a pipe that's open to the sea at one end. Draining that can get messy. We get wet.
Equipment is cooled by chilled water requiring a pipe that runs around the tube, or through the missile. Maintenance on thse systems can get messy. We get wet.
Idiots. Two of my shipmates managed to screw up purging guidance system water in such a way that they pumped Missile Heating And Cooling water into the 20 pound air header. Upon isolation of the mistake, they unplugged the hose and EVERYONE got wet.
Various tanks flood, headers pressurize, vents lift. Water goes places it really oughtn't've.
Idiots. We pressurize fire hoses when we pretend to fight fires. Sometimes they get discharged. Everyone in ten feet gets wet.


In the surface navy, flooding is defined as any time water enters a space that 's not designed to hold it. So if someone bumps the water fountain with the floor buffer and water sprays across the personnel office on the O2 level, they can call away flooding.
FOr subs, any time an uncontrolled amount of water enters a space where people expect to be able to breathe, that's flooding. So if water is coming out of a pipe, but there are valves to shut and make it stop, it's not flooding. Fire hoses, cooling headers, fresh or salt water tanks, all can leak, drip or spray into the people tank and it's not technically flooding. We don't care nearly as much about water that can be expected to be where we are. Like rain outside, or firefighting water in the bilge.

Of course, the other definition of flooding is 'if you're scared.' Like, if you don't know where the water is coming from, so you don't know if there's a valve to shut, so there's no telling how much water will be coming in, or you DO know what valve to shut and it doesn't help.

They wired a valve backwards on my first boat. We dove, water came in everywhere. They shut the hull and backup valves on the system. Or thought they did. But the 'shut' command actually 'opened' it. Water everywhere. The team at the site took local control and shut the valve. Water stopped. Maneuvering saw the valve indicated 'open.' So they shut it remotely. Water everywhere. Local control/remote control/local control until the CO said fuck it, and we surfaced.

This was my first day underwater on a submarine. Welcome to the Franklin! Try not to die!
Gods...
 

WAB

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Holy crap I'm famous! I'm on the FREAKIN' Internet!

Me! MEEEEMEEEEMEEEE! Lol.png

Just having some fun. It's just that that sidebar thingy from Amazon never came up before. My near-famous novel (and here I am using "near" extremely liberally) Fireflies of the Dusk, has sold all of three copies. Three.

Three.

I'm FREAKIN' famous! Steinbeck never had it like this! Suck it Steinbeck, and you too, Joyce, and you too, Faulkner! Suck it!
























:rimshot:
 

Keith&Co.

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The Rev. William H. Grimes has advice.

http://simplychristian.shoutwiki.com/wiki/Sermon_5

The sermon topic is 'Your Body Is A Temple.' God gave it to you, eat well, take care of it. But partway through, i think he loses the big picture.

WOULD YOU FEED CHRIST HIMSELF BURGER KING WHOPPERS AND ONION RINGS AND CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE?!!!!!!!!!! NO?!!!!!!
No?
What do you mean, no?
This is the Christ! The guy that cursed a fig tree for not producing fruit out of season, when Himself was hungry.

Jesus shows up at my house, saying he's peckish and wants a Whopper, you're fuck-n-A RIGHT he's getting a Whopper.

I'll pay. I'll drive. We'll go to the clean one down in Lenox, not the one downtown where the school kids tell each other 'You ordered a gay burger.' I hate eating at that one. That and the guy working the grill has his pants so low i can tell if he's wearing the polka-dot boxers today.

I wouldn't force anything on The Son Of Man, but if it's in my power, he gets what he asks for. The option is that he has a temper tantrum, curses me, my house, or my car, then tells a dozen credulous followers that it wasn't a fit of pique, there was symbolic meaning in his act. It's a parable, yeah, that's the ticket.

No. Jeez.
 

hyzer

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It is 1980, I’m in college, living off campus in an apartment building in Philly. The kind of apartment building with a classic bank of those tiny “fold-up-everything-except-letters” mailboxes. One weekend I take a trip back to the hometown of Silver Spring to see high school buddies. At one point we go have an ultimate frisbee game at the high school – grads vs kids (as we called it), 6 of us against current students that made up the school’s nascent team. I supplied the disc (165 gram World Class disc by Wham-0, state of the art back then). After the game I forget my disc and leave it in my friend’s car. I return to Philly and my friend decides to mail it to me.

My friend takes a paper shopping bag and realizing that of course a round disc should be in a square package, he cuts the bag down, folds over the open end making everything tight and tidy, then seals the whole thing up for addressing and mailing.

A week later I am coming into the apartment building where I live and checking my tiny mailbox I have a note saying to come to the management office to pick up a package. Upon arriving at the office I am greeted by a young woman, about my age, and after presenting my package-note, a large grin and a short chuckle passes her lips, then “oh, you’re 610A” . . . she stands and turns and retrieves my package from the back room, handing me a perfectly square but flat package, with a large perfect circle well embossed into the makeshift envelop with my friend’s location in the return address corner under the words: “ACME Condom Company”.
 

Rhea

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Daughter, laments that she felt stupid in class. Said something that made her look both dumb AND like a pro-lifer. Says she should drop it and take O-Chem instead, it would be easier.
I tell her that her question was fair and that the teacher will appreciate her participation in the “spirit of inquiry.”
Daughter replies, “The spirit screwed me worse than Mary.”
 

Keith&Co.

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Mom was supposed to drive up and visit us this week.

Mom got sick.

Mom apologized for failing to meet expectations, and said, "My sinuses are so backed up, i couldn't go anywhere if a cat o' nine tails were involved."

My immediate reply, "Hey, we won't kink-shame, here!" Because that's the sort of thing we say daily at work.

Mom: "...…………………………………….What?"

I hung up. That conversation was over. Maybe the relationship.

Ah, well, fun while it lasted.
 

Loren Pechtel

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Mom was supposed to drive up and visit us this week.

Mom got sick.

Mom apologized for failing to meet expectations, and said, "My sinuses are so backed up, i couldn't go anywhere if a cat o' nine tails were involved."

My immediate reply, "Hey, we won't kink-shame, here!" Because that's the sort of thing we say daily at work.

Mom: "...…………………………………….What?"

I hung up. That conversation was over. Maybe the relationship.

Ah, well, fun while it lasted.

Does a cat o' nine tails have any non-kinky use?
 

bilby

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Mom was supposed to drive up and visit us this week.

Mom got sick.

Mom apologized for failing to meet expectations, and said, "My sinuses are so backed up, i couldn't go anywhere if a cat o' nine tails were involved."

My immediate reply, "Hey, we won't kink-shame, here!" Because that's the sort of thing we say daily at work.

Mom: "...…………………………………….What?"

I hung up. That conversation was over. Maybe the relationship.

Ah, well, fun while it lasted.

Does a cat o' nine tails have any non-kinky use?

??? seriously ???

There's not much kinky about severe corporal punishment.

https://sydneylivingmuseums.com.au/convict-sydney/cat-o-nine-tails-flat-handle
 

ideologyhunter

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Patton Oswalt's story of The Polish Woman of Doom. It's about the most distressing/jolting/hilarious piece of standup comedy ever. He tells a shortened version of it in an online clip with Conan. It's essential Patton, and it's why I love this guy. He's fearless.
 

Loren Pechtel

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Mom was supposed to drive up and visit us this week.

Mom got sick.

Mom apologized for failing to meet expectations, and said, "My sinuses are so backed up, i couldn't go anywhere if a cat o' nine tails were involved."

My immediate reply, "Hey, we won't kink-shame, here!" Because that's the sort of thing we say daily at work.

Mom: "...…………………………………….What?"

I hung up. That conversation was over. Maybe the relationship.

Ah, well, fun while it lasted.

Does a cat o' nine tails have any non-kinky use?

??? seriously ???

There's not much kinky about severe corporal punishment.

https://sydneylivingmuseums.com.au/convict-sydney/cat-o-nine-tails-flat-handle

But that's an old use.
 

Keith&Co.

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I'm here...
Was reminded of my grandfather's worst day as the County Coroner.

There are a few natural hot springs in the hills around where i was born. Some have been developed into tourist attractions. The next town over, Lava Hot Springs, has a number of pools. There's also a bunch of places in the hills where kids hang out.
One night two guys talked two girls into skinny dipping in one of these pools. The only light was from the car's headlights, so it took them a bit to realize there were five people in the pond.
Some guy had had a heart attack while enjoying the sulferwater and turned it into soup.
Anyway, Grandpa and the guy that dug graves in the cemetery took the hearse up the road.
Getting this well-done meat sack out of the water was, apparently, quite the experience. Then he stunk through the first body bag. And the second body bag. With all the windows open and the back hatch propped open, the smell was still too bad to drive to the mortuary.

They ended up putting a big rock in the car that just leaned against the gas pedal, enough to make the car crawl forward.
And took turns running to the car, reaching into the window, and turning the wheel as necessary.

Knowing my grandpa, he probably made a few attempts, "Caesar, I'll give you ten bucks to turn the wheel on that curve up ahead."
Knowing Caesar, he probably replied with, "You got ten dollars? On you? Right now? Then shut the f*ck up."

The last time he told the story, i had seen Silence of the Lambs. "You know, the FBI deals with that scent by wiping their lips with a smellerant."
Turns out they had that trick. They were SNORTING Vick's Vapor Rub and still couldn't stand that smell...
 

ideologyhunter

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I live on the lake, so our coroners have to deal with bodies that come to the surface after long days down under, with the carp and the mayfly larvae. I mean, they study for this job and around here, run for the office. I'm not even trying to imagine...
 

Keith&Co.

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I'm here...
Dad's a little down. Health problems piling up.
I told him he cannot die just yet.
"Why?"
"People see 'd. 2021' on your urn, they'll assume you were an anti-vaxer, and say, 'Good riddance.'"
So now he's adding it to his will. No matter what he dies of, all geneologies, urns, tombstones, etc. will refer to his demise as 'hit by a bus.'
"Right. So the eulogy will be, 'the last time we spoke, as he lay in the hospice bed, just before the bus ran over him, he told me about....' Uh huh."
"What? _I_ won't be embarrassed by it. You have to keep a straight face."
"No, actually, i do not."
 

Loren Pechtel

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Dad's a little down. Health problems piling up.
I told him he cannot die just yet.
"Why?"
"People see 'd. 2021' on your urn, they'll assume you were an anti-vaxer, and say, 'Good riddance.'"
So now he's adding it to his will. No matter what he dies of, all geneologies, urns, tombstones, etc. will refer to his demise as 'hit by a bus.'
"Right. So the eulogy will be, 'the last time we spoke, as he lay in the hospice bed, just before the bus ran over him, he told me about....' Uh huh."
"What? _I_ won't be embarrassed by it. You have to keep a straight face."
"No, actually, i do not."

This bus? https://abc7ny.com/bus-crash-mta-brooklyn-prospect-lefferts-gardens/10757700/
 

Arctish

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[YOUTUBE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVPj0Q-gTOo[/YOUTUBE]
 
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