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Tigers!

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In memory of Father's day (in Aust. at least)

Q: What do you give the man who had everything?
A: More anti-biotics

Next I go to the golf course I must remember to take extra socks in case I get a hole in one.
 

SLD

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An old Soviet joke:

1937, two Soviet judges bump into each other just outside the courtroom. One is laughing out loud.
‘Hello, comrade, what you’re laughing at?’
‘Never mind, I just heard the funniest joke ever!’
‘Tell me!’
‘No, I can’t, I just sentenced a man to ten years in the Gulag for telling it…’
 

Tigers!

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Recently the UN launched one-question telephone survey. The question was,

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions for the food shortage in the rest of the world? "

The survey was a huge flop because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

and in Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent
 

Hermit

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An oldie.

Unfortunately, it's funny and it's true.
There is also a more concise and incisive version.

A-first-world-problem.jpg
 

SLD

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A chicken farmer went to the local bar.
He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, " It is a special day for me. I am celebrating."
"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating! " said the woman.
"What a coincidence." said the farmer.
While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."
"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is incredible," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," he said.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."
 

C_Mucius_Scaevola

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A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from a little bird poop."
"It was my first day with the hook."
 

hyzer

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SLD

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Sometimes, whenever I eat M&Ms, I like to hold two m&m's in between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one m&m cracks. I eat the cracked one, and the one that didn't crack becomes the champion. Then I grab the other m&m, and force it to compete with the champion in this deadly game of m&m gladiators. I do this until I run out of m&m's, and when there is only one m&m left standing, I send a letter to m&m's brand with the champion m&m in it with a note attached that reads: "Please use this m&m for breeding purposes."
 

Tigers!

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Sometimes, whenever I eat M&Ms, I like to hold two m&m's in between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one m&m cracks. I eat the cracked one, and the one that didn't crack becomes the champion. Then I grab the other m&m, and force it to compete with the champion in this deadly game of m&m gladiators. I do this until I run out of m&m's, and when there is only one m&m left standing, I send a letter to m&m's brand with the champion m&m in it with a note attached that reads: "Please use this m&m for breeding purposes."
You obviously have too much spare time. :)
 

TV and credit cards

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Sometimes, whenever I eat M&Ms, I like to hold two m&m's in between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one m&m cracks. I eat the cracked one, and the one that didn't crack becomes the champion. Then I grab the other m&m, and force it to compete with the champion in this deadly game of m&m gladiators. I do this until I run out of m&m's, and when there is only one m&m left standing, I send a letter to m&m's brand with the champion m&m in it with a note attached that reads: "Please use this m&m for breeding purposes."

I never got past delaminating a KitKat.
 

Jarhyn

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Androgyne; they/them
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Jarhyn

Wizard
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Androgyne; they/them
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If you neuter your pets it will make them less nuts.
I'll try it on a squirrel.
I was gonna say, it probably won't work. "You are what you eat and all". That was the other fork I was contemplating going down with ZiprHead. I went with the more, rather than less flattering interpretation about Mrs ZiprHead.

Not that it's unflattering to be gargling nuts, mind. But it is unflattering to be be told you gargle nuts
 

ZiprHead

Loony Running The Asylum
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I went to a disco last night. They played the twist, so I did the twist.
They played jump, so I jumped. Then they played "Come on Eileen"
...I got kicked out after that one!
 

Tigers!

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The CEO of Ikea in Idontgiveastan has just been electing president of his country.
Ask when he will take over he replies.

I am still assembling my cabinet
 

SLD

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A man comes home from work to find his best friend in bed with his wife. He shouts,”Harry, I have to fuck her . . . But why you?”
 

Tigers!

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Siri, Why do I have so much trouble keeping women interested?

I am Alexa



My wife says I do not listen to her enough. Or something like that.
 

SLD

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An Abraham Lincoln joke:

A young Abe Lincoln was splitting rails one day at his farm, when suddenly he heard a click. He looked up to see a man pointing a rifle at him. ”What in the blazes are you doing?” Cried Lincoln. The mas stared at him through a wrapped up face and said, “I swore if I ever found a man uglier than myself, I’d kill him!” Lincoln thought about it for a second and said, “Well, let’s take a look at you.” The man unwrapped his face, and Lincoln looked at him and said, “Damn, if I’m uglier than you, then blaze away!”

I’m sure it was true!
 

hyzer

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An Abraham Lincoln joke:

A young Abe Lincoln was splitting rails one day at his farm, when suddenly he heard a click. He looked up to see a man pointing a rifle at him. ”What in the blazes are you doing?” Cried Lincoln. The mas stared at him through a wrapped up face and said, “I swore if I ever found a man uglier than myself, I’d kill him!” Lincoln thought about it for a second and said, “Well, let’s take a look at you.” The man unwrapped his face, and Lincoln looked at him and said, “Damn, if I’m uglier than you, then blaze away!”

I’m sure it was true!
Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the joke?"
 
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SLD

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Another Lincoln joke:

When Lincoln was campaigning for Congress in 1846, he faced a popular Methodist preacher, Rev. Peter Cartwright. Lincoln decided to show up at one of his revivals held during the middle of the campaign. When Cartwright came to the altar call, summoning sinners to accept Jesus and be saved, he noticed that Lincoln was there and sitting down, declining to come forward.

”If you’re not going to repent and go to heaven, Mr. Lincoln,” he cried out for all to hear, “where are you going?”

Lincoln simply replied, “I am going to Congress, brother Cartwright!”

And sure enough, he did.
 
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