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Joke gallery

bilby said:
When I was in America I really got into the culture.

I went into a shop and the guy said, 'have a nice day!'

I didn't, so I sued him.
Click to expand...

He should have counter-sued. He TOLD you to have a nice day, and you disregarded his instruction.
Recalcitrant roos...
 
The other day, my coworker asked who Blaine The Monorail was. As part of the explanation we discovered that he'd never heard of dead baby jokes.

Why did the dead baby cross the road?


It was stapled to the chicken.



What's worse than a pile of dead babies?


The live one at the bottom chewing his way to freedom.

 

What is funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.

What is the difference between a baby and a onion?
No one cries when you chop up the baby.

What is the difference between a dead baby and a water melon?
One's fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one's a water melon.

What is the difference between a baby and a dart-board?
Dart-boards don't bleed.

What is the difference between a baby and a mars bar?
About 500 calories.

Why did the family take the dead baby along on the cookout?
So they could light it and toast their marshmallows.

Why was the dead baby kept in the kitchen drawer?
The family used it to crack nuts.

Why do people keep dead babies in the rec. room?
They cut off one leg and use it as a ping pong paddle.

Why do you put babies into blenders feet first?
So you can see the expression on their faces.

Why do they boil water when a baby is being born?
So that if its born dead they can make soup.

How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
It depends on how hard you squeeze them.

How many babies fit in a blender?
Depends on how powerful the blender is.

How do you know when a baby is dead?
It doesn't cry if you nail its feet to the ceiling.

How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.

How do you save a drowning baby?
Harpoon it.

How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Pour gas over it and light a match. Woof.

How do you turn a baby into a cat?
Freeze it solid, then run it through a bandsaw. Meeow.

How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
With a blender.

How do you get them out again?
With Doritos.

How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off its head.
or:
A glass of soda water and 2 scoops of baby.

What do you call two abortions in a bucket?
Blood brothers.

What is red and is creeping up your leg?
An abortion with homesickness.

What is a foot long and can make a woman scream?
Stillbirth.

What is a foot long, blue, and makes women scream in the morning?
Crib death.

What do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall?
Art.

What is red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.

What is blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool?
Baby with slashed floaties.

What is red and yellow and floats at the top of the pool?
Floaties with a slashed baby.

What is red and hangs around trees?
A baby hit by a snow blower.

What is green and hangs around trees?
Same baby 3 weeks later.

What is pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.

What is pink and goes black with a "hiss."?
A baby thrown into a furnace.

What is brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.

What is purple, covered in pus, and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

What is black and goes up and down?
A baby in a toaster.

What is red and hangs out of the back of a train?
A miscarriage.

What is red and goes round and round?
A baby in a garbage disposal.

What is red and swings back and forth?
A baby on a meat hook.

What is red, screams, and goes around in circles?
A baby nailed to the floor.

What is red and sits in the corner?
A baby with razor blades.

What is blue and sits in the corner?
A baby in a baggie.

What is black and sits in a corner?
A baby with it's finger in a power socket.

What is green and sits in the corner?
Same baby two weeks later.

What is black and charred?
A baby chewing on an extension cord.

What is black and white, runs around the room, and smokes?
A baby with his hair on fire.

What is blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.

What is cold, blue and doesn't move?
A baby in your freezer.

What is pink, flies and squeals?
A baby fired from a catapult.

What do you call the baby when it lands?
Free pizza.

What is red and has more brains than the baby you just shot?
The wall behind it.

What is white and glows pink?
A dead baby with an electrode up its ass.

What is more fun than nailing a baby to a wall?
Ripping it off again.

What is more fun than throwing a baby off the cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.

What is more fun than swinging babies around on a clothesline?
Stopping them with a shovel.

What is more fun than shoveling dead babies off your porch?
Doing it with a snow blower.

What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.

What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.

What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.

What is red and pink and can't turn round in a corridor?
A baby with a javelin through its throat.

What is little and can't fit through a door?
A baby with a spear in its head.

What is the definition of fun?
Playing fetch with a pitbull and a baby.

What has 4 legs and one arm?
A doberman on a children's playground.

What has 10 arms and blood all over it?
A pitbull in front of a pile of dead babies.

What is red and pink and hanging out of your dog's mouth?
Your baby's leg.

What present do you get for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.

What is grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to ten trees.

What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
100 dead babies in a trash can.
What is worse than that?
There's a live one at the bottom.
What is worse than that?
It eats its way out.
What is worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.

Know what's gross?
Running over a baby with a truck.
Know whats worse?
Skidding on it.
Worse than that?
Peeling it off the tires.

What is the worst part about killing a baby?
Getting blood on your clown suit.

 
You left off my personal favorite?

Q. What is the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?
A. You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.
 
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At the next Olympic Games, all women are to run the 100 meters race in short skirts and white stilettos. Reason?
To make it more of a spectacle sport!
 
Two nuns are riding their bikes on a cobbled stone street somewhere in Europe. One nun says to the other: "do you often come this way?"
The other replies: " no, it must be the cobbles!"
 
I decided to trace my family tree because I'm not very good at drawing.

Or......

Two young men were discussing their fathers. One said: "I recently split up with my gf, and my father really helped me get over her."

He said: " Forget about her son. She wasn't even any good in bed!"
 
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