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C_Mucius_Scaevola

Veteran Member
Joined
May 2, 2005
Messages
1,774
Location
Zaandam, NL
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Atheist
So there's this nun, and she gets stranded a looooooong way from her convent (don't ask how, it'd only spoil the story). After weighing up the situation, she reaches the conclusion that the only way to get home is to hitch a lift. So she stands at the side of the road with her thumb out, waiting for someone to stop.
Shortly thereafter, a car draws up beside her, and the driver winds down his window and asks where she wants to go. Having established that her convent is in the general direction of his own destination, the driver opens the door for her, and in she gets, whereupon they start off on the long drive conventwards.
After a few hours drive, they reach a service station, and the driver proposes stopping there for a bite of breakfast. "Oh, no,"says the nun. "Because of my vow of poverty, I have no money, so I couldn't possibly buy myself breakfast." "No problem," says the driver. "I'll buy you breakfast ... but it'll cost you, if you know what I mean ..."
So they have breakfast and drive on. An hour or two further along, feeling the pangs of conscience, the driver sheepishly asks, "What will you tell the Mother Superior when you get back to the convent?" The nun says, "Well, I shall simply tell her that I accepted a lift in good faith form what turned out to be a wicked man who had his way with me twice."
"Twice? says the driver. "But it only happened once!"
"Oh, I know," says the nun ... "But we are going to have lunch, aren't we?"
 

Bomb#20

Contributor
Joined
Sep 28, 2004
Messages
6,825
Location
California
Gender
It's a free country.
Basic Beliefs
Rationalism
hopefully not a repost (this is a long thread)

Scientists are testing the effects of cannabis on sea birds.
They have left no tern unstoned.
Did they write their paper while listening to that violinist who left no tone unSterned?
 

athee

Member
Joined
Mar 15, 2003
Messages
117
Location
Houston
Basic Beliefs
Atheist
hopefully not a repost (this is a long thread)

Scientists are testing the effects of cannabis on sea birds.
They have left no tern unstoned.
Did they write their paper while listening to that violinist who left no tone unSterned?
I told this to my wife, and she said: I hope someone nips this in the bud. It's getting worse! Not that it started out well, that is.

lol
 

Keith&Co.

Contributor
Joined
Apr 1, 2006
Messages
22,444
Location
Far Western Mass
Gender
Here.
Basic Beliefs
I'm here...
A destroyer is anchored off Hawaii, waiting for thrir tasxk force to form up. Further out to sea, a cruiser was conducting gunnery drills. The Signals division was on the side of the bridge, admiring the barrel flashes against the sunset.
The Signals officer saw the fladhes, assumed it was a message being sent, and ran to the bridge.
"Whst are they saying?"e he asked as he burst out the hatch.
The signalmen looked at each other, then the first turned to the Ensign and said, "They say, 'Boom! Boom! Boom!"
 

Arctish

Centimillionaire
Joined
Jul 30, 2003
Messages
6,447
Location
Alaska
Basic Beliefs
Agnostic Humanist
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”;
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
 

Tigers!

Veteran Member
Joined
Sep 20, 2005
Messages
3,274
Location
On the wing, waiting for a kick.
Basic Beliefs
Bible believing revelational redemptionist (Baptist)
I replaced my kitty litter with with an Amazon box.
When full I tape it up, put it outside my front door for someone to steal.
 

ZiprHead

Loony Running The Asylum
Staff member
Joined
Oct 23, 2002
Messages
33,019
Location
Frozen in Michigan
Gender
Old Fart
Basic Beliefs
Democratic Socialist Atheist
When I was in 9th grade the coach told me my sweater made me look gay. I replied that was good, as I was trying to get his wife to leave me alone.

And that's why I failed gym.
 
  • Haha
Reactions: SLD

athee

Member
Joined
Mar 15, 2003
Messages
117
Location
Houston
Basic Beliefs
Atheist
A man goes to the doctor
"What seems to be the problem," asks the Doc
"It's ummm, uhh, well I have 5 penises," replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doc ... " how do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove"
 

Hermit

Cantankerous grump
Joined
Nov 14, 2017
Messages
1,644
Location
Ignore list
Jason and Christian were two prawns living on the sea bed. Now as everyone knows, prawns are pretty low down in the food chain, and so, their lives are spent dashing from one hiding place to another to avoid being eaten. It was during one such hectic course of evasive action that Jason and Christian became separated, whereupon Jason suddenly found himself among some unfamiliar rocks, wondering how he was going to get back to his friends. At this point, while deciding whether or not to make a dash for another group of rocks, Jason heard a voice.

"Hello little prawn", said the voice.

Jason looked up. Hovering over him was a large cod. Immediately, Jason crouched as tightly as he could under the overhang of the rock, and squealed "Go away! You've only come to eat me!"

"Ahem", said the cod, "I assure you that I have no such intention, not least because I have just had a full meal, and in any case I prefer sprats. I have seen your plight, and I am here to help".

"Help?" Jason looked somewhat bemused.

"You see, I am a magic cod", continued the cod. "I can grant you any wish that comes to your mind. Have you never wished to live a life that doesn't involve running away from things trying to eat you? Well, I can make that happen".

"Really?" said Jason.

"Indeed I can - just step out, and I'll wave my tail over you, and grant you whatever you wish".

"In that case, I wish to be something that will never get chased to be eaten ever again", said Jason, and, gingerly, emerged from under the rock.

The cod then duly swished his tail over Jason, and in a flash of light, Jason suddenly found that he was no longer a prawn, but a large shark.

"There, I'm as good as my word", said the cod. "Now, if you don't mind, I have some errands to attend to - nothing personal, you understand, only you look a little hungry, and I think you would find those nice juicy young mackerel over there much more tasty than a leathery old cod like me ..." and in a panic-stricken burst of speed, fled for the nearest stand of kelp fronds to hide.

Jason spent some time cruising around the waters, rejoicing in being able to swim openly without any fear whatsoever: however, word had quickly spread (those anemones are such gossips you know) that Jason had become a shark, and consequently, all of the sea creatures that used to be his friends hid from his sight, lest he suddenly forget himself in his new guise.

After a while, Jason began to miss his old friends. Being a prawn had its disadvantages, certainly, but one of the great things about being a prawn was that you always had other prawns to talk to and play games with. Being a shark might mean that no-one tries to eat you, but then, no-one dares come near you either. So, after a while, wanting to be reunited with his friends, Jason went looking for the magic cod.

Eventually, Jason found the magic cod, and said, "Er, hello again - can you do me a favour?"

"Don't sneak up on me like that!" exclaimed the cod. "Especially now you're a shark!"

"Well that's what I came to see you about", said Jason. "Being a shark has its plus points, but it's prettly lonely - everything scatters in fear when I approach, and I miss all my friends among the prawns. So, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you turn me back into a prawn?"

"Hmm, somehow I thought something like this might crop up - usually does in these fables", replied the cod mysteriously, and with a swish of his tail, turned Jason back into his old self.

Jason, delighted at being able to reunite with his friends without them running in fear, immediately set off for the cluster of rocks where he knew they would all be waiting. Upon arrival, he heard a familiar voice.

"Hey, it's me, Jason!" he called out excitedly.

"Go away! You're a shark now, and you'll only gobble me up and eat me!" bleated the voice beneath the rock.

"No, no, it's all different now", called out Jason. "You see, I found cod, and I'm a prawn again Christian ..."
 

gmbteach

Mrs Frizzle
Joined
Apr 16, 2013
Messages
11,918
Location
At home, when I am not at work.
Basic Beliefs
On my journey :D
Jason and Christian were two prawns living on the sea bed. Now as everyone knows, prawns are pretty low down in the food chain, and so, their lives are spent dashing from one hiding place to another to avoid being eaten. It was during one such hectic course of evasive action that Jason and Christian became separated, whereupon Jason suddenly found himself among some unfamiliar rocks, wondering how he was going to get back to his friends. At this point, while deciding whether or not to make a dash for another group of rocks, Jason heard a voice.

"Hello little prawn", said the voice.

Jason looked up. Hovering over him was a large cod. Immediately, Jason crouched as tightly as he could under the overhang of the rock, and squealed "Go away! You've only come to eat me!"

"Ahem", said the cod, "I assure you that I have no such intention, not least because I have just had a full meal, and in any case I prefer sprats. I have seen your plight, and I am here to help".

"Help?" Jason looked somewhat bemused.

"You see, I am a magic cod", continued the cod. "I can grant you any wish that comes to your mind. Have you never wished to live a life that doesn't involve running away from things trying to eat you? Well, I can make that happen".

"Really?" said Jason.

"Indeed I can - just step out, and I'll wave my tail over you, and grant you whatever you wish".

"In that case, I wish to be something that will never get chased to be eaten ever again", said Jason, and, gingerly, emerged from under the rock.

The cod then duly swished his tail over Jason, and in a flash of light, Jason suddenly found that he was no longer a prawn, but a large shark.

"There, I'm as good as my word", said the cod. "Now, if you don't mind, I have some errands to attend to - nothing personal, you understand, only you look a little hungry, and I think you would find those nice juicy young mackerel over there much more tasty than a leathery old cod like me ..." and in a panic-stricken burst of speed, fled for the nearest stand of kelp fronds to hide.

Jason spent some time cruising around the waters, rejoicing in being able to swim openly without any fear whatsoever: however, word had quickly spread (those anemones are such gossips you know) that Jason had become a shark, and consequently, all of the sea creatures that used to be his friends hid from his sight, lest he suddenly forget himself in his new guise.

After a while, Jason began to miss his old friends. Being a prawn had its disadvantages, certainly, but one of the great things about being a prawn was that you always had other prawns to talk to and play games with. Being a shark might mean that no-one tries to eat you, but then, no-one dares come near you either. So, after a while, wanting to be reunited with his friends, Jason went looking for the magic cod.

Eventually, Jason found the magic cod, and said, "Er, hello again - can you do me a favour?"

"Don't sneak up on me like that!" exclaimed the cod. "Especially now you're a shark!"

"Well that's what I came to see you about", said Jason. "Being a shark has its plus points, but it's prettly lonely - everything scatters in fear when I approach, and I miss all my friends among the prawns. So, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you turn me back into a prawn?"

"Hmm, somehow I thought something like this might crop up - usually does in these fables", replied the cod mysteriously, and with a swish of his tail, turned Jason back into his old self.

Jason, delighted at being able to reunite with his friends without them running in fear, immediately set off for the cluster of rocks where he knew they would all be waiting. Upon arrival, he heard a familiar voice.

"Hey, it's me, Jason!" he called out excitedly.

"Go away! You're a shark now, and you'll only gobble me up and eat me!" bleated the voice beneath the rock.

"No, no, it's all different now", called out Jason. "You see, I found cod, and I'm a prawn again Christian ..."
Groan!
 

Tigers!

Veteran Member
Joined
Sep 20, 2005
Messages
3,274
Location
On the wing, waiting for a kick.
Basic Beliefs
Bible believing revelational redemptionist (Baptist)
Scientists recently put 10 tupperware containers with lids in a sealed box and buried it. When they disinterred it after 6 months they found 23 containers and only 6 lids, none of which fitted the containers.
 

Hermit

Cantankerous grump
Joined
Nov 14, 2017
Messages
1,644
Location
Ignore list
One of my neighbors owns several cats. On a recent visit, she introduced them to me: “That’s Astrophe, that’s Erpillar, that’s Aract, that’s Alogue.”
“Where on earth did you get such unusual names?” I asked.
“Oh, those are their last names,” she explained. “Their first names are Cat.”
 

SLD

Veteran Member
Joined
Feb 26, 2001
Messages
4,021
Location
Birmingham, Alabama
Basic Beliefs
Freethinker
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently.
A Bird Pathologist examined all the crows. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws.
It was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Truck.”
 

Hermit

Cantankerous grump
Joined
Nov 14, 2017
Messages
1,644
Location
Ignore list
France-is-Bacon.jpg
 

athee

Member
Joined
Mar 15, 2003
Messages
117
Location
Houston
Basic Beliefs
Atheist
Do you find it hard to pay attention during the election campaigns? Do none of the parties or candidates arouse you?

Perhaps you are suffering from electile dysfunction syndrome.
a similar one:

what do you call a chameleon that cannot change color?
A Reptile dysfunction
 

Tigers!

Veteran Member
Joined
Sep 20, 2005
Messages
3,274
Location
On the wing, waiting for a kick.
Basic Beliefs
Bible believing revelational redemptionist (Baptist)
Remember the days when parents would name their children after expensive items i.e. Mercedes, Dior, Chardonnay etc.?
Now they will call them Petrol, Food and Electricity.
 

Gospel

Unify Africa
Joined
Oct 22, 2007
Messages
3,771
Location
Florida
Basic Beliefs
Agnostic
How did the Knights Hospitaller know when the enemy would strike?
They were in the chain mail.
 

Elixir

Made in America
Joined
Sep 23, 2012
Messages
21,786
Location
Mountains
Basic Beliefs
English is complicated
Remember the days when parents would name their children after expensive items i.e. Mercedes, Dior, Chardonnay etc.?
Now they will call them Petrol, Food and Electricity.
I wonder how many will be named Toilet Paper.
 

SLD

Veteran Member
Joined
Feb 26, 2001
Messages
4,021
Location
Birmingham, Alabama
Basic Beliefs
Freethinker
When I went to the grocery store my wife told me to pick up six cans of Sprite. But I picked 7 up.

:LOL:

When you go into the bathroom you’re an American. When you come out of the bathroom, you’re an American. What are you while you’re in the bathroom?



European!
[\hide]

 
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