# Joke gallery

#### Tigers!

##### Veteran Member
Me: "Chewie, where is Han?"
Chewie: "jnaxjiuwihqfuhuh35u8t"
Me: "You ate him?"
Me: "Oh Chewie. That's a wookie mistake"

#### Tigers!

##### Veteran Member
Constable talking to his superintendent.
"Guv, you know that crime boss who was impersonating Sting?. We think he turned himself into the Police"

#### C_Mucius_Scaevola

##### Veteran Member
"People say that Steve Jobs died too soon. I think it was a fitting tribute ... to his company's attitude towards battery life.

I hope they buried him in a coffin with a crack in the lid."

Frankie Boyle

#### C_Mucius_Scaevola

##### Veteran Member
A woman died after drinking 18 litres of Coca Cola.

She ate a packet of Mentos, and her head was found 3 miles away.

Also Frankie Boyle

#### Hermit

##### Cantankerous grump
Christian: You worship Satan!

Satanist: You know, we don't actually believe in a literal Satan.

Christian: Then what do you call someone who believes in Satan?

Satanist: Christians.

#### Tigers!

##### Veteran Member
Yesterday morning it took me 30 minutes to get my wife's bra off.
I will never wear one of those damn things again.

#### C_Mucius_Scaevola

##### Veteran Member
So there's this nun, and she gets stranded a looooooong way from her convent (don't ask how, it'd only spoil the story). After weighing up the situation, she reaches the conclusion that the only way to get home is to hitch a lift. So she stands at the side of the road with her thumb out, waiting for someone to stop.
Shortly thereafter, a car draws up beside her, and the driver winds down his window and asks where she wants to go. Having established that her convent is in the general direction of his own destination, the driver opens the door for her, and in she gets, whereupon they start off on the long drive conventwards.
After a few hours drive, they reach a service station, and the driver proposes stopping there for a bite of breakfast. "Oh, no,"says the nun. "Because of my vow of poverty, I have no money, so I couldn't possibly buy myself breakfast." "No problem," says the driver. "I'll buy you breakfast ... but it'll cost you, if you know what I mean ..."
So they have breakfast and drive on. An hour or two further along, feeling the pangs of conscience, the driver sheepishly asks, "What will you tell the Mother Superior when you get back to the convent?" The nun says, "Well, I shall simply tell her that I accepted a lift in good faith form what turned out to be a wicked man who had his way with me twice."
"Twice? says the driver. "But it only happened once!"
"Oh, I know," says the nun ... "But we are going to have lunch, aren't we?"

#### Tigers!

##### Veteran Member
Do you get a sweat and tremble when approaching a petrol station?
Does your head throb as you fill up?

Maybe you have car owners virus.

#### Tigers!

##### Veteran Member
I am called 007 at work

0: motivation
0: talent
7: tea breaks/day

#### athee

##### Member
hopefully not a repost (this is a long thread)

Scientists are testing the effects of cannabis on sea birds.
They have left no tern unstoned.

##### Loony Running The Asylum
Staff member
What do you call an Irishman who sits on your deck all day?

#### Bomb#20

##### Contributor
hopefully not a repost (this is a long thread)

Scientists are testing the effects of cannabis on sea birds.
They have left no tern unstoned.
Did they write their paper while listening to that violinist who left no tone unSterned?

#### athee

##### Member
hopefully not a repost (this is a long thread)

Scientists are testing the effects of cannabis on sea birds.
They have left no tern unstoned.
Did they write their paper while listening to that violinist who left no tone unSterned?
I told this to my wife, and she said: I hope someone nips this in the bud. It's getting worse! Not that it started out well, that is.

lol

#### athee

##### Member
My wife was getting tired of my police puns, so I told her I'd give it arrest.

#### Keith&Co.

##### Contributor
A destroyer is anchored off Hawaii, waiting for thrir tasxk force to form up. Further out to sea, a cruiser was conducting gunnery drills. The Signals division was on the side of the bridge, admiring the barrel flashes against the sunset.
The Signals officer saw the fladhes, assumed it was a message being sent, and ran to the bridge.
"Whst are they saying?"e he asked as he burst out the hatch.
The signalmen looked at each other, then the first turned to the Ensign and said, "They say, 'Boom! Boom! Boom!"

#### Tigers!

##### Veteran Member
"We will put the charges here, here and there."

Nobody will drive into the centre of town with paying.

#### Arctish

##### Centimillionaire
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”;
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and$150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

#### Tigers!

##### Veteran Member
I replaced my kitty litter with with an Amazon box.
When full I tape it up, put it outside my front door for someone to steal.

##### Loony Running The Asylum
Staff member
When I was in 9th grade the coach told me my sweater made me look gay. I replied that was good, as I was trying to get his wife to leave me alone.

And that's why I failed gym.

SLD

#### athee

##### Member
A man goes to the doctor
"What seems to be the problem," asks the Doc
"It's ummm, uhh, well I have 5 penises," replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doc ... " how do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove"

#### athee

##### Member
You gotta admire herb gardeners that work long hours

They always get thyme and a half.

#### Tigers!

##### Veteran Member
Who says that gambling drives families apart?

Next week the eight of us are moving into a single bedroom flat.

##### Loony Running The Asylum
Staff member
Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him and he's the light of the world.

I do it and I'm "making Thanksgiving awkward."

#### Tigers!

##### Veteran Member
Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him and he's the light of the world.

I do it and I'm "making Thanksgiving awkward."
Depends upon what you do with said prostitutes.

#### Hermit

##### Cantankerous grump
Jason and Christian were two prawns living on the sea bed. Now as everyone knows, prawns are pretty low down in the food chain, and so, their lives are spent dashing from one hiding place to another to avoid being eaten. It was during one such hectic course of evasive action that Jason and Christian became separated, whereupon Jason suddenly found himself among some unfamiliar rocks, wondering how he was going to get back to his friends. At this point, while deciding whether or not to make a dash for another group of rocks, Jason heard a voice.

"Hello little prawn", said the voice.

Jason looked up. Hovering over him was a large cod. Immediately, Jason crouched as tightly as he could under the overhang of the rock, and squealed "Go away! You've only come to eat me!"

"Ahem", said the cod, "I assure you that I have no such intention, not least because I have just had a full meal, and in any case I prefer sprats. I have seen your plight, and I am here to help".

"Help?" Jason looked somewhat bemused.

"You see, I am a magic cod", continued the cod. "I can grant you any wish that comes to your mind. Have you never wished to live a life that doesn't involve running away from things trying to eat you? Well, I can make that happen".

"Really?" said Jason.

"Indeed I can - just step out, and I'll wave my tail over you, and grant you whatever you wish".

"In that case, I wish to be something that will never get chased to be eaten ever again", said Jason, and, gingerly, emerged from under the rock.

The cod then duly swished his tail over Jason, and in a flash of light, Jason suddenly found that he was no longer a prawn, but a large shark.

"There, I'm as good as my word", said the cod. "Now, if you don't mind, I have some errands to attend to - nothing personal, you understand, only you look a little hungry, and I think you would find those nice juicy young mackerel over there much more tasty than a leathery old cod like me ..." and in a panic-stricken burst of speed, fled for the nearest stand of kelp fronds to hide.

Jason spent some time cruising around the waters, rejoicing in being able to swim openly without any fear whatsoever: however, word had quickly spread (those anemones are such gossips you know) that Jason had become a shark, and consequently, all of the sea creatures that used to be his friends hid from his sight, lest he suddenly forget himself in his new guise.

After a while, Jason began to miss his old friends. Being a prawn had its disadvantages, certainly, but one of the great things about being a prawn was that you always had other prawns to talk to and play games with. Being a shark might mean that no-one tries to eat you, but then, no-one dares come near you either. So, after a while, wanting to be reunited with his friends, Jason went looking for the magic cod.

Eventually, Jason found the magic cod, and said, "Er, hello again - can you do me a favour?"

"Don't sneak up on me like that!" exclaimed the cod. "Especially now you're a shark!"

"Well that's what I came to see you about", said Jason. "Being a shark has its plus points, but it's prettly lonely - everything scatters in fear when I approach, and I miss all my friends among the prawns. So, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you turn me back into a prawn?"

"Hmm, somehow I thought something like this might crop up - usually does in these fables", replied the cod mysteriously, and with a swish of his tail, turned Jason back into his old self.

Jason, delighted at being able to reunite with his friends without them running in fear, immediately set off for the cluster of rocks where he knew they would all be waiting. Upon arrival, he heard a familiar voice.

"Hey, it's me, Jason!" he called out excitedly.

"Go away! You're a shark now, and you'll only gobble me up and eat me!" bleated the voice beneath the rock.

"No, no, it's all different now", called out Jason. "You see, I found cod, and I'm a prawn again Christian ..."

#### gmbteach

##### Mrs Frizzle
Jason and Christian were two prawns living on the sea bed. Now as everyone knows, prawns are pretty low down in the food chain, and so, their lives are spent dashing from one hiding place to another to avoid being eaten. It was during one such hectic course of evasive action that Jason and Christian became separated, whereupon Jason suddenly found himself among some unfamiliar rocks, wondering how he was going to get back to his friends. At this point, while deciding whether or not to make a dash for another group of rocks, Jason heard a voice.

"Hello little prawn", said the voice.

Jason looked up. Hovering over him was a large cod. Immediately, Jason crouched as tightly as he could under the overhang of the rock, and squealed "Go away! You've only come to eat me!"

"Ahem", said the cod, "I assure you that I have no such intention, not least because I have just had a full meal, and in any case I prefer sprats. I have seen your plight, and I am here to help".

"Help?" Jason looked somewhat bemused.

"You see, I am a magic cod", continued the cod. "I can grant you any wish that comes to your mind. Have you never wished to live a life that doesn't involve running away from things trying to eat you? Well, I can make that happen".

"Really?" said Jason.

"Indeed I can - just step out, and I'll wave my tail over you, and grant you whatever you wish".

"In that case, I wish to be something that will never get chased to be eaten ever again", said Jason, and, gingerly, emerged from under the rock.

The cod then duly swished his tail over Jason, and in a flash of light, Jason suddenly found that he was no longer a prawn, but a large shark.

"There, I'm as good as my word", said the cod. "Now, if you don't mind, I have some errands to attend to - nothing personal, you understand, only you look a little hungry, and I think you would find those nice juicy young mackerel over there much more tasty than a leathery old cod like me ..." and in a panic-stricken burst of speed, fled for the nearest stand of kelp fronds to hide.

Jason spent some time cruising around the waters, rejoicing in being able to swim openly without any fear whatsoever: however, word had quickly spread (those anemones are such gossips you know) that Jason had become a shark, and consequently, all of the sea creatures that used to be his friends hid from his sight, lest he suddenly forget himself in his new guise.

After a while, Jason began to miss his old friends. Being a prawn had its disadvantages, certainly, but one of the great things about being a prawn was that you always had other prawns to talk to and play games with. Being a shark might mean that no-one tries to eat you, but then, no-one dares come near you either. So, after a while, wanting to be reunited with his friends, Jason went looking for the magic cod.

Eventually, Jason found the magic cod, and said, "Er, hello again - can you do me a favour?"

"Don't sneak up on me like that!" exclaimed the cod. "Especially now you're a shark!"

"Well that's what I came to see you about", said Jason. "Being a shark has its plus points, but it's prettly lonely - everything scatters in fear when I approach, and I miss all my friends among the prawns. So, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you turn me back into a prawn?"

"Hmm, somehow I thought something like this might crop up - usually does in these fables", replied the cod mysteriously, and with a swish of his tail, turned Jason back into his old self.

Jason, delighted at being able to reunite with his friends without them running in fear, immediately set off for the cluster of rocks where he knew they would all be waiting. Upon arrival, he heard a familiar voice.

"Hey, it's me, Jason!" he called out excitedly.

"Go away! You're a shark now, and you'll only gobble me up and eat me!" bleated the voice beneath the rock.

"No, no, it's all different now", called out Jason. "You see, I found cod, and I'm a prawn again Christian ..."
Groan!

#### Tigers!

##### Veteran Member
Do you find it hard to pay attention during the election campaigns? Do none of the parties or candidates arouse you?

Perhaps you are suffering from electile dysfunction syndrome.

#### Tigers!

##### Veteran Member
Scientists recently put 10 tupperware containers with lids in a sealed box and buried it. When they disinterred it after 6 months they found 23 containers and only 6 lids, none of which fitted the containers.

#### Tigers!

##### Veteran Member
What music do fish like?

Catchy tunes

#### Loren Pechtel

##### Super Moderator
Staff member
What music do fish like?

Catchy tunes
Fishermen would like them, fish wouldn't!

#### Hermit

##### Cantankerous grump
One of my neighbors owns several cats. On a recent visit, she introduced them to me: “That’s Astrophe, that’s Erpillar, that’s Aract, that’s Alogue.”
“Where on earth did you get such unusual names?” I asked.
“Oh, those are their last names,” she explained. “Their first names are Cat.”

#### Tigers!

##### Veteran Member
The Bible is 100% accurate when thrown a short distance.

#### SLD

##### Veteran Member
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently.
A Bird Pathologist examined all the crows. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws.
It was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Truck.”

#### Tigers!

##### Veteran Member
I once stretched a calf before exercising. It didn't like it one bit.

#### athee

##### Member
Do you find it hard to pay attention during the election campaigns? Do none of the parties or candidates arouse you?

Perhaps you are suffering from electile dysfunction syndrome.
a similar one:

what do you call a chameleon that cannot change color?
A Reptile dysfunction

#### Tigers!

##### Veteran Member
Remember the days when parents would name their children after expensive items i.e. Mercedes, Dior, Chardonnay etc.?
Now they will call them Petrol, Food and Electricity.

#### Gospel

##### Unify Africa
How did the Knights Hospitaller know when the enemy would strike?
They were in the chain mail.

#### Elixir

##### Made in America
Remember the days when parents would name their children after expensive items i.e. Mercedes, Dior, Chardonnay etc.?
Now they will call them Petrol, Food and Electricity.
I wonder how many will be named Toilet Paper.

#### Tigers!

##### Veteran Member
I read a recent report that said that the universe is composed of electrons, protons and neutrons. What happened to the morons?

##### Loony Running The Asylum
Staff member
I read a recent report that said that the universe is composed of electrons, protons and neutrons. What happened to the morons?
They found IIDB and decided to run the place.

##### Loony Running The Asylum
Staff member
I got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing “Danger Zone” five times. Apparently I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

#### SLD

##### Veteran Member
When I went to the grocery store my wife told me to pick up six cans of Sprite. But I picked 7 up.

When you go into the bathroom you’re an American. When you come out of the bathroom, you’re an American. What are you while you’re in the bathroom?

European!
[\hide]

#### TV and credit cards

##### Veteran Member
When you go into the bathroom you’re an American. When you come out of the bathroom, you’re an American. What are you while you’re in the bathroom?

European!
[\hide]

Reminds me of a friend we nicknamed Liberace.

#### Tigers!

##### Veteran Member
My wife asked if our children were spoilt.
I said "No, they all smell like that"

#### SLD

##### Veteran Member
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.

. . .

Then the librarian told me to take it out!