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We could ham this joke up a bit. If someone rediscovered The Cure for you, he could tell Gaynor...


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The Legend of Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Care to take a guess why?

C'mon, don't peek, you can do this! Hazard a guess!


You can't kill two birds with Onestone.

 
A husband was late home from work one evening.
"I'm sure he's having an affair. " wailed his wife to her mother.
"Why do you always think the worst." Said the mother. " Maybe he's just been in a car crash."
 
My 'confirmed bachelor' uncle, Jimmy always tells me he's asexual. But to that I would add that he's: B. Gay.



Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.



So a relative called and asked me if I could loan her $400 to help her pay her rent. I told her...give me a minute let me check my account and I'll call u right back." Before I could check my funds, my mom called and said, "Don’t give her any money because she's lying, My mom proceeded to tell me that she wants to use that $400 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for the holidays!!!
So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give her the $400.
I called and said, "Come on, I got you cuzzo." A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, and it was her.
Q: why did you give me counterfeit money?!"
A: So you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for the holidays. You’re welcome.



Some light holiday reading for you;

HOW TO WRITE BIG BOOKS by Warren Peace.

I LOST MY BALANCE by Eileen Dover and Phil Down.

THE GERMAN BANK ROBBERY by Hans Zupp.

I HATE THE SUN by Gladys Knight.

PRISON SECURITY by Barb Dwyer.

"Irish Heart Surgery", by Angie O'Plasty.

"Split Personalities", by Jacqueline Hyde.

"On The Mitch", by Marcus Absent.

"I Was a Cloakroom Attendant", by Mahatma Coate.

"Mystery in the Barnyard", by Hu Flung Dung.

"The Philippine Post Office", by Imelda Letter.

"Come on In!", by Doris Open.

"Cry of Innocence", by Ivan Alibi.

"How I Won the Marathon", by Randy Holway.

TOMCAT'S REVENGE by Claude Balls.

BABY'S REVENGE by Norah Titoff.

AFTERTHOUGHT by Adeline Extra.

THE WIND FROM THE SOUTH by I.C. Blast

EMBARRASSING MOMENT by Lucy Lastic.

"The Pendulum Swings" by Ivor Biggen
 
Other books for your reading consideration:

HATEFUL RELATIONSHIPS by Annie Moss-Seti
RAISING CHILDREN by Luva Little-Schitz
FALLING IN LOVE by Hedova Hiels
 
A man is walking into the woods with a little boy. The boy says "Mister, it's getting dark and I'm scared."

"How do you think I feel?" says the man, "I've got to walk back alone!"
 
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
 
A young man is walking the streets of Paris. Suddenly he sees a rottweiler attacking a young girl. He jumps on the dog, struggles with it and strangles it to death. Both he and the girl escape with minor scratches.

Immediately, a gaggle of excited reporters surround him and wave their notebooks. “What is your name? What a story! All of Paris will hear of you, and the headlines will be ‘Parisian hero saves little girl from savage dog.’”

The man says, “But I am not Parisian.”

The journalists say “OK, fine, so all of France will hear of you and the headlines will be ‘French hero saves little girl from savage dog.’”

The man shifts uncomfortably in his shoes. “But I am not French.”

The journalists scribble furiously. “Sure, whatever, so all of Europe will hear of you and the headlines will read ‘European hero saves little girl from savage dog.”

The man stands up straight and declares proudly: “But I am not from Europe. I am a citizen of this planet and an atheist.”

The journalists put their notebooks away. “OK, so the entire world will hear of you and the headlines will read ‘Atheist kills little girl’s dog.’”
 
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