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Joke gallery

What is Trump's favorite desert?

A Nutty Buddy.
 
How do you know Jesus was Irish?

1. He was over 30 and single.
2. He hung around with 12 guys drinking.
3.. His mother thought he was god.
 
Funny As

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.

Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,

'F*** me...
how much water did you drink!?'
 
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird.
 
A couple was out for a romantic stroll in St Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve, they feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining", he says.

"No, it's definitely snowing", she retorts.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here, he's always right!", exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining", replies officer Rudolph before sprightly goosestepping away.

"See, told you" says the man....


"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

 
This is the story of Penny, a simple hen who altered the course of the American Revolution.

Penny lived in a barn with all the other animals on a farm owned by Farmer Jones, who had three big boys. All of them had joined the militia as Minutemen. Unbeknownst to the Jones boys a British Tory had stowed away in their barn on the night Paul Revere was going to make his historic run to warn the townspeople. He was going to snipe Revere before he had a chance to sound his alert.

But Penny was surprisingly clever for a simple hen. She figured out what the soldier was up to and before he could carry out his mission she managed to get all the animals in the barn into an uproar, attracting the attention of Farmer Jones and his boys. They rushed out to the barn carrying their muskets and subdued the British soldier without incident. The soldier wound up in the stockade while the small village erected a statue to the noble hen who had saved them all. The placard on the bottom reads...

(I hope you're ready for this ...)


The world's first chicken-catch-a-tory

 
Our neighbour had an extension built and our daughter, then aged four, was fascinated. From her window she watched the builders digging trenches and pouring concrete. Eventually she asked if she could go and watch from up close. I thought there'll be no harm in it. She gathered up her little bucket and spade to help with the construction.

The builders took little time warming to her. The contractor, ever aware of public liability issues, fashioned a hard hat from an ice cream container and a plastic strap, the painter coloured it fluoro pink, the carpenter made her fetch nails, the brickie showed her how to add water to the stuff in the cement mixer, and in that vein she was fully occupied for the rest of the week. On Friday afternoon everybody chipped in a dollar or two, folded some paper to make it look like a pay packet and gave it to her.

I thought, this is a good opportunity to encourage frugality. I suggested we go to the bank with her first ever wages and open an account just for her. She thought that was a good idea. Once she had enough money, she'd be able to buy her pony, but first she wanted to spend a little of her hard earnt cash on a few lollies.

The bank, when we finally got to it, was very busy. By the time we advanced to the head of the queue, dozens more customers were waiting behind us. The teller looked at me. I pointed down at my princess, who was clutching her pay envelope with sticky fingers, but the teller could not see her. So I lifted her up on to the counter. "Oh! What have we here?" he asked. "My wages," she told him. "I'm a builder." "Oh, have you been building something?" he continued. "Yes. I'm building my neighbour's entertainment area," she announced proudly, "but it's not finished yet." "So, you'll earn more money next week?" The teller was getting into the swing of it. "Sure," said my darling, and then raised her voice: "but only if the cunts from Dunstone's deliver the fucking bricks on time."
 
spikepipsqueak said:
I'm starting to regret getting a U2 sat nav.

Now the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
Click to expand...

It could be worse; I bought the Bonnie Tyler model. It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.
 
An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired military officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbucks to meet a friend for coffee. While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband responded:

"I'm taking a dump. Please advise.”

 
A man went into a florists and asked for a very big bunch of flowers.
" How big exactly?" Asked the flower seller.
" He replied: " Caught in bed with wife's sister size."
 
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