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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

-Stolen from a FB post.
 
A man with tourette's witnessed a road accident and was asked to testify in court. All went well until he was asked to swear on the Bible.
 
Went to a local prison today for a conjugal visit. Turns out you have to actually know someone.
 
Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table....

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.

The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

“I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.
 
In light of the frequency of human and grizzly bear encounters, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears.


They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.


Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
 
A farmer was distraught because his faithful sheepdog had gone missing. Hi wife suggested, " why don't you put an advert in the paper to get him back?"

" That's a good idea," said the farmer. So he placed the ad, but a month later there was still no sign of the dog.

The farmer's wife said : " I really thought that ad would work. What did you write in it?"

The farmer replied : " Here boy."
 
SLD said:
Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker
Click to expand...
Why are they six retired Italian Floridians? I don't see where that makes the joke...

This could be better told.

So, six respectable members of a small community used to share one vice: poker. They played together on a regular basis, and sometimes the betting got a little out of hand. WHen this happened, the economy of the community was rocked by the repercussions, so they tended to be coy about the very fact of the game, much less the amount that was wagered.

One night the president of the local bank, Sammy, drew four aces on the deal, glanced at his cards, had a heart attack and died. It was instant, no time for an ambulance. His friends immediately set to clearing away all evidence of the poker game that took Sammy's life. "It was just his time," they practiced saying.

But before they could call the authorities, someone had to go to tell his wife.

"I'll do it," Pasquale offered. The others stressed that he had to be discreet about the poker, the four aces, etc.

"Don't worry about it," Pasquale insisted. He set off and they called the cops.

At Sammy's home, his wife answered the door and asked Pasquale, "What are you doing here?"

"Well, Julia, your husband, he's had a bad night at the poker game."

"How bad? And why are you telling me?"

"Bad enough that he's afraid to come home."

"How bad is that?"

"Well," Pasquale sighed, "He's paid all the money he brought, and emptied his checking account and he's still $20,000 in debt."

"Jesus Christ," Julia muttered. "So why are you here?"

"He said we could get some of your jewelry to help square the debt."

"WHAT? That little shit is bad at poker, and _I_ have to give up _MY_ jewelry?"

"He said-"

"I don't care what he said! That little fucker can drop dead!"

"I'll go tell him!"
 
Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?

Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.

Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?

Man: No, I’m a barber
 
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.

Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”
 
A man told his doctor : " I've AIDS, syphilis, herpes and gonorrhea."

"Ah," said the doctor, " you've what we call an incurable romantic."
 
A US Navy destroyer pulled into Borneo, and the CO ordered maximum liberty. A skeleton watch was set and everyone else hit the beach.

Down the wharf, a ship was transporting live animals. An orangutang escaped and for some reason was attracted to the destroyer.
It made its way to the smoke stack, then down into the engine room. It wandered around for a bit, the came upon an electrical panel opened for maintenance.

Tearing through the safety barriers, it touched exactly the wrong contacts, electrocuting I the ape, and shorting out the lighting for the entire vessel.

Ten minutes later, two hull techs make their way thru the dark spaces, investigating, and find the dead ape.

They stare.
They look at each other.
They run their flashlights over the long arms.
They look at each other.
They run their lights over the short legs.

They scratch their heads. Finally, the 2nd class says, "Well, the arms are too long for a DC-man, the legs are too short for an engineman, and he's too hairy for an electrician."
The 3rd class says, "Yeah, I'll call the wardroom, see if any of the officers are misssing."
 
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a car key in his hand.

A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's tool is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"
 
A guy at a bar was telling his friend, " last night I confessed to my wife that I had cheated on her four times over the past year." Hey, that was a brave thing to do."

"Well, I believe that honesty is the most important thing in a relationship, besides, now we won't have any secrets between us when she comes out of the coma."
 
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