Joke gallery

[bilby]

According to the BMI tables, I am at my ideal weight.

My target height is 7'5".

 

[Elixir]

According to the BMI tables, I am at my ideal weight.

My target height is 7'5".

"A 150lb stack of plutonium 6 feet high would have the same BMI as a 150lb stack of Cool Whip 6 feet high."
- Ryan Atwater (at another forum)

 

[Tigers!]

My wife was going through her wardrobe.
This still fits me she exclaimed.
That's a scarf I replied.

 

[angelo]

Did you hear about the astronaut who broke the law of gravity?

He got a suspended sentence.

 

[Tigers!]

I used to go out with a woman who lived on a houseboat.
Unfortunately we drifted apart.

 

[Atheos]

Times were hard and a farmer decided to take his 5 female pigs to town and sell them. The only vehicle he had was the family station wagon so he hosed them off before loading them up.

When he got to town he encountered another farmer who'd also fallen on hard times who had 5 male pigs he wanted to sell. They both thought about it a bit and decided to let the two groups mate and hopefully split the profits 50/50.

"How will I know if they're pregnant?" asked the farmer with the females.

"Tomorrow morning if they're laying in the grass they're pregnant. If they're wallowing in the mud they aren't. So if they're in the mud bring them back to town and we'll try again.

The next morning to his chagrin the sows were wallowing in the mud. So he hosed them off again, loaded them in the station wagon and drove to town for another try.

This went on for two weeks.

Finally one Saturday morning the farmer, too exhausted to get out of bed asked his wife to go to the window and check if the sows were in the mud or in the grass.

"Neither," she replied. "They're all in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."

 

[angelo]

. What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.

 

[C_Mucius_Scaevola]

What do perjury and cunnilingus have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.

 

[ZiprHead]

Cunnilingus. If you can say it, you can probably do it.

 

[Atheos]

What's the difference between a lesbian couple and a crafty group of lexicographers?

The lexicographers are the cunning linguists.

 

[ZiprHead]

 

[Atheos]

Why did Helen Keller always only use one hand to masturbate?

She needed the other one to moan.

 

[angelo]

A man ended up in hospital, covered in wood and hay, with a toy horse lodged in his butt.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

 

[ZiprHead]

 

[James Brown]

My pet snail was doing rather poorly in my neighborhood's Snail Races.

I thought that if I took off his shell he might perform better, but...

Show

if anything, he was even more sluggish.

 

[bilby]

My pet bear's diarrhoea problem is really starting to worry me.

The vet says he's getting better, but he's not out of the woods yet.

 

[angelo]

An off duty doctor walks into a chemist [drug store] and asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

 

[Tigers!]

Walking through the park I noted to my wife that that frisbee was getting larger.
Then it hit me.

 

[ZiprHead]

Opinion without

3.14159

is just an onion

 

[ZiprHead]