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If there is a War on Christmas, it is a defensive one. Christmas is the aggressor. Thanksgiving has already fallen, and Halloween is barely holding the line.
 
James Brown said:
If there is a War on Christmas, it is a defensive one. Christmas is the aggressor. Thanksgiving has already fallen, and Halloween is barely holding the line.
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Thirteenth Night: Established 2028, Thirteenth Night (January 6th) is the traditional day of the year when no Christmas products or decorations are displayed in stores. The new decorations for the upcoming Christmas are traditionally installed on the evening of Thirteenth Night, and shoppers queue in the freezing cold for hours to have a chance to see these decorations, and to snap up early Christmas bargains as soon as stores open on the First Day of Christmas (January 7th). In more recent years, shops have started to open their 7th January displays at midnight, to reduce waiting times for customers; Some retailers have proposed that the opening time should be moved back 24 hours, and that Christmas decorations could thereby become a permanent fixture in stores, reducing staffing and storage costs.
 
The freeway near a major city was blocked for three hours after a truck driven by a three legged man crashed into a car driven by bearded lady.

The police called it a freak accident.
 
Which reminds me of this. Sorry if I posted it before.

A Rabbi, a Catholic priest and an Irishman walk into a bar. The barman looks up from wiping the glasses and exclaims: " Is this a joke?"
 
How can you tell if you've bought lemon of a car?

You notice that the free car phone that came with it as part of the deal has the number of the local breakdown company on speed dial.
 
An elderly couple walked in to the lawyer's office. The lawyer greeted them, invited them to be seated and asked how he could help them. The elderly gent says, "We'd like a divorce." The lawyer looks at the couple and asks the old guy his age. The old guy says, "I'm 94 and my wife is 92." The lawyer asks, "How long have you been married?" The man says, "71 years."

Amazed, the lawyer looks at the couple. "You're 94, your wife is 92 and you've been married 71 years. Why do you want a divorce after all this time?"
The elderly gent replies, "We've wanted a divorce for a long time. We didn't want to upset the kids, so we waited until they were dead.
 
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about the living conditions in a circus, but the couple produces photos of their 50-foot luxury motor home, which is clean and well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers also raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age and gender child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
 
While the World Cup is still vivid in our memory..............................

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
 
If a group of crows is called "a murder", what do call a group of fratboy dude bros?


a rape




(you are my first and probably only audience for this ronburgundy original)
 
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’
 
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