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Joke gallery

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
 
The sergeant major growled at the young soldier. " I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."
" Thank you very much sir!" replied the soldier.
 
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : " Do you serve women in this bar?"

" No, replied the barkeep. " you have to bring your own!"
 
Speaking of bar jokes...

I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

“Really?” she said. “Go on then… Try.”

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

“Come on,” she demanded, “What day was I born on?”

“Yesterday?” I replied.
 
These are the finest groan worthy jokes I’ve ever seen.
 
A customer walked into a bar and said: " I'll have a pint of less please."

" Less? What's that?" asked the barman.

" I don't know either, my doctor told me to drink less." Said the customer.
 
A newly-married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!"

She kissed him and said,

"First let's hear you play that harmonica."

 
During the Financial Crisis, President Bush [junior] said he was saddened to hear about the demise of Lehman Brothers. He said his thoughts went out to their mother as losing one son is hard but losing two is a tragedy.
 
My wife asked me to give her a tube of lipstick.

I accidentally gave her a glue stick.


She still isn't talking to me.

 
Speaking of hypochondriacs......................
Brian, one of the worlds greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket. “Doc!” Brian exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!” “Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy for you!” his Dr. exclaimed. “Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!
 
An elderly persons home ran a series of mystery tours. The residents were invited to guess where they would be going.
the bus driver, Bert, has won 5 weeks in a row now.
 
Donald Trump looking for a new accountant.

Trump says I'm looking for the best accountant as only the best will do for the Trump Organization. So please answer this last question very carefully. How much is 2+2?

The first accountant replies well 4 of course. Trump thanks him and says he'll get back to him.

The second accountant says 5? Trump thanks him

The third accountant scratches his chin and looks Donald straight in the eye and said 'What figure did you have in mind?

Trump smiles and says,

'You're hired!'
 
Darren Lockyer, the Pope, John Howard and a school boy were all on the same airplane when the engine failed and they realised there was four of them but only three parachutes.

Darren Lockyer got up and said, I am a sporting superstar and must live so that I can continue my career to beat the Kiwis and the Poms in the tri-nations series. He grabbed a parachute and jumped off the plane.

John Howard got up and said I am the smartest Prime Minister Australia has ever had and I have to live to continue to govern the country.

Then the Pope said to the school boy, well I am old and have lived my life so you should take the last parachute.

The school boy replied, “No, it's ok, the world’s smartest Prime Minister just took my school bag so there’s one for each of us!”
 
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