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Joke gallery

A guy said to his buddy. " I'm going to organize a group sex session in my apartment tonight, do you want to come?"
" Sure, count me in. How many people are coming?"
" Three, if you bring your girlfriend."
 
To get sincere personal advice and the correct time, try calling a random telephone number in the early hours of the morning.
 
An elderly man goes to the pharmacy and asks for Viagra.
The pharmacist tells him : "I'm all out of the 50 mg, I'll give you the 100 mg instead. Tonight, you're gonna split 'er in half !"
The man replies : "My wife ?!?"
Pharmacist replies : "No, just the pill."
 
Sad news, the man who played Waldo in the popular "where's waldo" books died today. The tragic part is that he was killed in a barbershop pole assembly plant in Hoboken N.J. so the body has not been found as of yet. R.I.P. Dougary "waldo" Lipshitz. You will be missed, until you're found. Then you'll be missed again.
 
bilby said:
I have sycic powers.

For example, a second ago, you thought, “This idiot doesn’t even know how to spell psychic.”
Click to expand...
If you drink the blue fluid in a Magic 8 Ball, you see the future.
My friend Josh did that. He cracked it open, drank it down, moaned, "Man, I'm gonna die..."
And sure enough, he died!
 
[Warning not political correct]

The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe.
Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman?
 
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite kitchen bench-tops"
 
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