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Ran into our postman at the bar. He was bragging that he had slept with every woman on our street except one.
Told that to my wife.
"Probably that snooty bitch at 1093," she said.
 
A lucky bastard..

A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill.
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $5000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.
'Fuck me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !! :)
 
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Laura’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.

“Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my bulldog, Bob. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I repeat, do not talk to my parrot!”

When the repairman arrived at Laura’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally, the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Bob!”
 
I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

While sniffing and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention. So I called the hotel concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "We'll send our own hotel doctor up to your room right away."

The doctor strolled into the room within seconds and while I stuttered and tried to understand the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "H-how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head, cracked a smile, and replied:

"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
 
bilby said:
A lucky bastard..

A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill.
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $5000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.
'Fuck me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !! :)
Click to expand...

:hysterical:
 
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."

The man says: "You go right back up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 
An old blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day.
Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.
He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender.
“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
“No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
 
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him. He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant, so he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto:

'To Fly. To Serve'?

The woman looks at him blankly

He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'?

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'?

The woman looks at him sternly and says, 'What the fuck do you want?'

'Aha!' he says, "Qantas".
 
Bob left work one Friday evening.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 
“The doctor walks in: ‘Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.’

Patient: ‘I don’t understand, doc. Why?’

Doctor: ‘Because I’m trying to examine you.'”
 
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
 
Kusa said:
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Click to expand...

Should be in the Profound thoughts thread. ;)
 
Blatantly stolen from Facebook:



Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery.

Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
 
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