• Welcome to the new Internet Infidels Discussion Board, formerly Talk Freethought.

Joke gallery

I recently bought myself a pair of camouflage pants, but now I just can't find them.

I was going to wear them whilst I installed a trailer load of portable holes -
the kind where you dig a hole in the ground, toss one in and you have a hole.

To keep myself hydrated whilst digging, I had even prepared a bottle of
dehydrated water - the kind of dehydrated water where all you need do
is add some water and there you have it - water.

These are just some of the thoughtful and useful products that are now available.

Which reminds me, I bought myself a carton of juice last week. Helpfully, printed
on the top was the instruction: "See base for opening instructions".
And on the base I read: "Open other end".

:facepalm2:
 
After 9 years of marriage, a wife suddenly announced " I'm bored with our sex life. It's always the same. Why don t we try the other hole?
"Yuk! No way! Exclaimed her husband " And risk you getting pregnant!
 
A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
 
angelo said:
A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
Click to expand...

:hysterical:
 
angelo said:
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’
Click to expand...
I'm certain the first time I heard that joke, it was shit they were buried in.
 
Politesse said:
angelo said:
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’
Click to expand...
I'm certain the first time I heard that joke, it was shit they were buried in.
Click to expand...

That's before hell became unionised!
 
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.

The sinking of the Titanic must have been seen as a divine providence to the lobsters in the kitchens.

Last night my friend asked to use a USB port to charge his cigarette, but I was using it to charge my book. The future is weird.

Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you.

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super rad if you don’t know what either of those things are.

The person who proof-read Hitler's speeches was literally a grammar Nazi.
 
An "oldie" I was reminded of this morning:

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The pope has one but he never uses it.
Bill Clinton has one and he uses it all the time!

What is it?


A last name



Well, I really screwed that one up. Edited to correct it. :blush:
 
Last edited:
Atheos said:
An "oldie" I was reminded of this morning:

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The pope has one but he never uses it.
Bill Clinton has one and he uses it all the time!

What is it?


A penis

Click to expand...

You're wrong about the pope never using his......... where do you think he pees out of, his ear!
🤑
 
Bill's best mate's wife left him after telling him she was going to get some milk.
Bill went to visit him to see how he was coping.

I'm alright he said. 'That powdered stuff isn't half bad.'
 
It's not well known that penguins bury their dead which explains why nobody has ever seen a dead one on the ice. Using their vestigial wings, the adult males break a hole in the ice and nudge their fallen comrade into it. Then they all gather round and sing.

Freeze a jolly good fellow..




2 cats are having a swimming race. One called One Two Three, and one called Un Deux Trois.

Which cat won?


One Two Three. Because the Un Deux Trois cat sank.






Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?


Because one is un oeuf.
 
I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom