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Joke gallery

Warning, politically incorrect.

A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”
 
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
 
William Shakespeare?

He was in the distant past. Shouldn't he be WouldIwas Shookspeared?
 
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
 
Confucius sayings.............[probably none are true]

Man with one chopstick go hungry.
He who put face in fruit drink get punch in the nose.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas.
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's sink.
Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
Man become old when he watch food instead of waitress.
Man who dream of eating giant mushroom - wake up with no pillow.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.
 
Confucius says, "Women need be careful standing on head. Often have crack up."
 
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A housewife pushes her son into a closet when her lover comes over. One day, as they're getting dressed, she hears her husband coming home. She pushes her fuck buddy into the closet.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" says the kid.
"Yeah, it's dark."
"I have a baseball here that I'll sell to you for $25."
"What are you, nuts?"
"Maybe, but I can have a real big mouth."
The man curses but fumbles around and gives the kid $25.
About a week later, the same thing happens, and they're in the closet together.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"What's your point?"
"My point is, I got a baseball bat, and you can have it for $50, and remember, I got a big mouth."
The next day, the kid's dad asks if he wants to play catch, and the kid tells him he sold the ball and bat.
"What did you get, two bucks?"
The kid pulls out $75 and says, "No, I got all this."
The dad frowns and says, "You obviously cheated someone, son. That's the same as stealing. Come with me."
He drives the kid to church and marches him to the confessional.
The kid goes in and says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
The priest says, "Now don't start that shit in here!"
 
There was this golfer who played his golf in the next town where no one knew him. He hit his ball into the out-of-bounds swamp.
As he went to retrieve his ball a snake hissed at him, "I am a sorceress trapped in this snake's body. Cut off the tail to free me and I shall
give you my blessing."
He cut that snake's tail off and *poof* a beautiful sexy female appeared.
"I am the Goddess of Love. I will improve your sex life 10-fold!" she says as she vanishes.
One month passes and he hits the ball into the same place. As he and his pals walk along to get
his ball he tells them the above story, and brags "I had sex 3 times this month!" "How can that be 10-fold?"

Hey, 3 is pretty good for a priest in a small town.

 
George S said:
There was this golfer who played his golf in the next town where no one knew him. He hit his ball into the out-of-bounds swamp.
As he went to retrieve his ball a snake hissed at him, "I am a sorceress trapped in this snake's body. Cut off the tail to free me and I shall
give you my blessing."
He cut that snake's tail off and *poof* a beautiful sexy female appeared.
"I am the Goddess of Love. I will improve your sex life 10-fold!" she says as she vanishes.
One month passes and he hits the ball into the same place. As he and his pals walk along to get
his ball he tells them the above story, and brags "I had sex 3 times this month!" "How can that be 10-fold?"

Hey, 3 is pretty good for a priest in a small town.

Click to expand...

The version I tell involved a leprechaun. The man accidentally hit him with a golf ball and knocked the L out. When he came to, the L offered the man 3 wishes which he declined, saying his life was great.

As the guy left, the L was wondering who turns down three wishes. After some consideration he gave him 3 wishes anyway.

A year later, they met up again and the L questioned him on how things were going.

The man said, he's rich (everytime he puts his hand in his pocket, he pulls out $100) and the L said that is was due to him giving him that wish.
The man then said he's now a great golfer may even turn pro and the L said that was him again.

Then the L asked how the fellow's love life was and the fellow said maybe 3 times a week. The L was astonished and said that his wish was for the guy to be a stallion!

The fellow replied, "well what do you expect for a catholic priest in a small parish"
 
Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday and my wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday in the morning before I went to work. My parents forgot too and so did my kids. I got into work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. I was really sad because everyone had forgotten my birthday!

But then as I walked into my office, my secretary smiled and said to me, “Happy birthday, boss!”

Because everyone else had forgotten, I felt so special so when my secretary asked me if I wanted to go for lunch with her I jumped at the chance.

After we’d eaten lunch, she invited me back to her apartment and again I jumped at the chance. When we got there, she asked, “Do you mind if I just go into the bedroom for a minute?”

“No problem, I’ll just wait here,” I said.

Five minutes later my secretary came back out of the bedroom with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!”…

While I was waiting on the sofa… naked.
 
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