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Joke gallery

I probably have posted this one before.

A guy was drinking at a bar one day when he struck up a conversation with a fellow drinker. The conversation was going along fabulously when the subject of matrimony came up.

" I've been married 3 times exclaimed one, but all my wives died on me." " Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. How did your first wife die." The drinker replied. " She died after eating poisoned mushrooms. "

" That's bad, what about your second wife, how did she die?"

" Same thing, she ate some poisoned mushrooms." Wow " said his new drinking buddy. " that's a terrible coincidence!. What about your third wife, how did she die?"

" Oh, she died of a fractured skull."

" my god " said the new drinking buddy. " What happened." " She wouldn't eat the mushrooms." said the guy.
 
I too suffer from not being able to remember if I posted a particular joke. This is another joke I remember from my childhood which I originally read in the pages of a Playboy (the Playboy party jokes). I'd found my dad's stash and was enjoying the incisive political commentary, social humor and witty satirical farce. Seemed like there was some great photography in there too now that I think about it.

Anyway...

A guy regularly goes to "Granny's Whorehouse," an establishment run by a sweet little old lady who greets you on the front porch in her rocking chair. One day he shows up and Granny is very apologetic. "I'm sorry sonny, but all my girls are sick today. It's that danged old flu bug that's going around. Just happened to get 'em all down at the same time."

The guy was obviously disappointed.

"Awww," Granny consoled, "Don't look so sad. Maybe I can take care of you. Check this out!"

And with that she popped out her glass eye. He didn't even know she had one. "Now you just slip it in here and I guarantee you've never had anything better."

Well, he was skeptical to say the least, but he complied. Granny started rocking while she continued working on her needlework. After a bit she brought him to the most intense climax he'd ever had.

"Oh my god, Granny!" he exclaimed. "From now on when I come back here I'm just going to ask for you!"

"Why thank you sonny, glad you liked it. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for you..."
 
My wife's school is allowing Halloween costumes today, but for security purposes they aren't allowing masks.
My wife announced to her class that Taconic has been Emasculated.

I said they're taking steps so the school won't be defaced.
 
That reminds me of another house of ill repute joke.

A guy knocks on the door of a whorehouse. A little slider on the door opens and a female voice asks: " Yes can I help you?"

The guy says. " Yes, I want to get screwed." " Okay says the voice, just push a hundred dollar note through this slide opening."

Guy does as he's told and waits. After a five minutes and nothing happening, he knocks again, this time a little more urgently. Again the little slider opens and the same voice asks: "Yes, what can I do for you? "

The guy a little agitated responds. " Hey, I wanna get screwed!" The voice responds, " What, again?"
 
Reminds me of...
Bud Hawkins decided to go to Angela's whore house.
Sign on Angela's door:
BEAT IT BUDDY, ANGELA DIED
 
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.
 
Since we're apparently on the sexist sub-theme...
Q- How do you bring a woman to complete and overwhelming sexual satisfaction, in just twenty minutes?
A- Who gives a shit?
 
Teacher in H.S. Sex Ed
"Don't let 15 minutes of pleasure ruin your life."
"Teacher, teacher!" interrupts Joanne.
"Yes?"
"How do you make it last so long?"
 
ideologyhunter said:
Since we're apparently on the sexist sub-theme...
Q- How do you bring a woman to complete and overwhelming sexual satisfaction, in just twenty minutes?
A- Who gives a shit?
Click to expand...

You call THAT sexist? Try this:

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: You don't have to tell her nuthin' - you done told her twice already!
 
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
 
Agreed. My first reading was that the speaker was being whacked with the hat full of money.
 
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what ! !
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right.You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl,
'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!
She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!
 
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