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Reminds me of this.........................

Edward took his blonde girlfriend to a test match. Not only did she not understand the game, she was completely bored. After tea, a batsman hit a powerful six over the long on boundary. "Thank heavens! Now they got rid of the ball!" she shouted in delight. "Now we can all go home!"
 
It's 1962. A nerdy teenager drives to his date's house and her dad sizes him up while they wait for her to come downstairs.
The dad smiles at him and says, "So, Bud, do you enjoy screwing?"
"Sir?"
"Do you like to screw? Because Barbie likes to. We always say she could screw all night. You'll have trouble keeping up with her."
"Uhh..."
Barbie comes downstairs and they leave. Dad sits down with the paper. About a minute later a car comes down the street, the brakes screech, and Barbie runs in the house.
"Daddy, it is called THE TWIST."
 
An oldie but a good one..........................

Three women were sitting in a bar, (brunette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a baby boy". The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, Oh no, I'm going to have PUPPIES!".
 
In similar gross fashion.....................

Q. What's the difference between zits and a priest?

A. They both come all over a choir boy's face.
 
The bartender said to one of his customers. " Do you always drink your whisky neat?"

The guy replied. "No, sometimes my shirt's hanging out."
 
Trump and the Pope die at the same instant. Trump has the system rigged so that the Pope goes to Hell and he goes to Heaven. But after two hours, there are mass protests among the progressive angels, and Trump's scheme is undone. Now, as the Pope rises up through the heavens, he sees Trump coming down. He spreads out his arms and shouts, "Hallelujah!! I am going to meet with the Holy Virgin!" As Trump plummets past, he mutters, "You're twenty minutes late, my friend."
 
“guy walks into a bar, and another guy says, "I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?" The other guy says, "I don't know...what was her maiden name?”
 
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
 
A girl at my work has an incredibly unfortunate family. First, her mother's sister got knocked over by a cyclist and broke her leg. Then her uncle's wife fell down the stairs and broke her hip.

The following week, her father's sister tripped over a loose paving stone and broke her arm. And a few days after that, her mother's sister-in-law broke her wrist playing squash.

Not surprisingly, with all this worry, she's lost about two pounds in the last couple of months.

On the plus side...


...she's now low in fat, and rich in auntie-accidents.

 
Last week a guy tried to sell me a coffin.



I told him that was the last thing I needed.
 
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